To call him my husband?

[WingingItMumma]

My partner and I are engaged and have been for over 2 years now. We have been together 5 years and were friends for 4 years before that. Towards the beginning of the engagement, we lost a baby and then fell pregnant again and my mind was all over the place with anxiety because of the previous loss. We then had the baby and 4 weeks later, lockdown happened. Otherwise we would probably be married by now. (I don't want a huge, takes years to plan wedding). The only reason we haven't popped to the registry office when it was safe to during COVID is that his 2 brothers live abroad and he doesn't want to get married without them there (which I totally get!).

But, we are living like we are married. Everything is the same between us as it would be a happily married couple, apart from a piece of paper. I hate referring to him as my partner, or worse, boyfriend (he's in his 40s, hardly a boy!) and the term fiancé gives me the ick. If people refer to him as "your husband" (trades people, shop staff etc) then I don't correct them. But is it weird to actually refer to him as my husband if we're not technically married?

Just to note, I don't call him my husband at the moment. I just want to put feelers out to see if it's socially acceptable. I also realise I'm a chronic over thinker and in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter.

@PyongyangKipperbang We will marry eventually. But I personally don't see the hurry.

To add we're in our late twenties now!

@SentientAndCognisant No mandatory time frame between engagement and marriage though.

I’ll be blunt and accept that it’s most likely not a popular view but I would have never had a child with a man unless we were married.

Why? Either you’re in or you’re out. No fence sitting for me. I have so many friends who are pushing 50 (yeah it’s been that long) who have children with lover boy and engaged. My best friend has been with her partner for 15 + years and I can’t tell you how many discussions we had over the years about their erstwhile wedding. I finally realised last year that it was never ever going to happen. He’s happy the way things are and wasn’t even put off by her getting her ‘own’ will. He has zero intentions of marrying her. Back in the day, I remember her saying she wanted to get married before DD started school so they can have the same surname. 13 years later...ya get my drift.

Unless you are totally cool with being unmarried - many are - please ensure you get that sorted ASAP. I wanted a wedding - not even a big one - and a honeymoon (that’s where most of our money went) and ticked it off my list before I had children.

Don’t do things back assed and then complain.

Can I be honest with you... The only one who is worried about it is you. In the nicest possible way, it doesn't even matter what you call him to other people. Those who know you know the situation. Why are you worried about what random strangers etc think?

Not at our doctors. My sons where Mr from the day they were born. DD's were all Miss. I dont remember stating a preference (most certainly wouldnt with the youngest three as I had found my feminism by then) so it seems to be assumed.
Funny that Master has been largely forgotten while Miss is still the assumed title for girls.....
Oh fair enough, just looked at the kids red books and son is down as Mister and girls both Miss, I don't remember ever being asked a preference either for some reason I'd assumed he was Master!

Mister and Master are abbreviated the same way, aren’t they? I’m quite sure that’s the case. I used to work in a field loosely related to finance/banking and we certainly saw reference to ‘master’ quite often.

There's was a similar thread a few months back on MN and I was surprised the amount of people who do this. One poster had been telling people for 20 years that her BF is her husband!!

I find it a bit weird TBH.

@Kingsley08 Why is it most often the case that it is the woman keen to get married and less so the man? Genuine question. It's the other way round with us!

@Nicknamegoeshere you’re absolutely right there’s no specific timeframe just an implied progression to marriage

@SentientAndCognisant Agreed. We will marry. Eventually!

@Nicknamegoeshere fair enough, I thought I’d read you had misgivings

It’s fine until you then get married and people realise you’ve lied and are a bit bonkers. It’s weird, he’s not your husband so why say he is? He’s your Fiancé - why can’t you say that?

@SentientAndCognisant Nothing a prenup won't resolve. I have two kids (not his) and main earner.

Seems a bit like you didn't get your way, and you've thrown your toys out of the pram and left 😬
What did you expect? He's not your husband, you aren't married. Living like you're married isn't a thing! You aren't married until you are. People choose not to marry and live happily for years - it's not a big deal. Just say partner or
Other half! It will be so embarrassing explaining he's not really your husband When someone catches you out. For your own sake re read what you've said. All sounds like a very odd tantrum. If you're happy why does it matter??

No judgement here. marriage is obviously important to you, is it important to your DH? I get he wants his close family at his wedding but if thats not likely to happen anytime soon and neither of you want a big do why not just pop down to the registry office? Silly to.let it become an obstacle to getting wed,anyway he could invite them.and then the balls in their court, you can't plan your life around his siblings! Saying he's your husband when hes not is a bit odd imo and could lead to confusion if and when you do get married!
Whats wrong with calling him your partner or other half? . I refer to DH by name , I cant remember the last time I referred to him as my husband , it very rarely comes up.
However if it makes you happy then call him husband , no ones business but yours , however I would be having a conversation with him and setting a date asap because its clearly and not unreasonably important to you ( and it does offer you legal protection, next of kin rights etc, have you both written wills??)

That piece of paper is and equal footing in a relationship, a price of paper to say you have rights to be heard, a piece of paper to say you’re a family and come first

So much more is written between the lines of a marriage or civil partnership that protects everyone in that family

@Nicknamegoeshere get good advice as marriage invalidates a prenuptial agreement. However increasingly the prenup is being considered when the marriage breaks down

[quote Nicknamegoeshere]@SentientAndCognisant Nothing a prenup won't resolve. I have two kids (not his) and main earner.[/quote]
Prenups have no legal standing in the UK. Another misconception that can sit next to Common Law Marriage in the "Myth" section.

It's weird because he's not your husband
. I knew a woman who did it and everyone thought it was odd. I also ,same as PP, knew a woman that changed her surname to her partners. Weird too.

Didnt mean that to sound as snotty as it came across, sorry

Marriage invalidates the prenup. Marriage is the superior contract

@SentientAndCognisant Yes we'd arrange an agreement that stipulates who would have / be entitled to what should we divorce.

@Nicknamegoeshere you cannot rely on a binding prenuptial agreement, to apportion assets as prenup is superseded By marriage
Plus, and I’m stating the obvious here, in the event of a divorce he may dispute the prenup and wish to apportion assets under divorce

Quite frankly if I was wealthy with assets I’d not get married