To call him my husband?

[WingingItMumma]

My partner and I are engaged and have been for over 2 years now. We have been together 5 years and were friends for 4 years before that. Towards the beginning of the engagement, we lost a baby and then fell pregnant again and my mind was all over the place with anxiety because of the previous loss. We then had the baby and 4 weeks later, lockdown happened. Otherwise we would probably be married by now. (I don't want a huge, takes years to plan wedding). The only reason we haven't popped to the registry office when it was safe to during COVID is that his 2 brothers live abroad and he doesn't want to get married without them there (which I totally get!).

But, we are living like we are married. Everything is the same between us as it would be a happily married couple, apart from a piece of paper. I hate referring to him as my partner, or worse, boyfriend (he's in his 40s, hardly a boy!) and the term fiancé gives me the ick. If people refer to him as "your husband" (trades people, shop staff etc) then I don't correct them. But is it weird to actually refer to him as my husband if we're not technically married?

Just to note, I don't call him my husband at the moment. I just want to put feelers out to see if it's socially acceptable. I also realise I'm a chronic over thinker and in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter.

@BarryWhiteIsMyBrother

There we go again - marriage equals security. So a woman should get married to ensure she can make a claim on her husband's assets should they break up? What are these: the fifties? The OP might well be earning ten times her partner's income. But lots of PPs are assuming she doesn't earn as much. Sad and distasteful.

It may be sad and distateful. It's the sad reality of the world we live in. It's not the 1950s but in 2020 the majority of men do earn more than the majority of women. Having children has a greater negative impact on a woman's earnings, career and pension than it does on a man's.

It is sad indeed that society hasn't become more equal in the last 70 years, and it's even more tragic that some people are labouring under the disillusion that we have somehow achieved equality by now. Far from it.

@BarryWhiteIsMyBrother

There we go again - marriage equals security. So a woman should get married to ensure she can make a claim on her husband's assets should they break up? What are these: the fifties? The OP might well be earning ten times her partner's income. But lots of PPs are assuming she doesn't earn as much. Sad and distasteful.

Did you miss the bit where op stated that a) women often end up worse off financially as a result of having kids in a heterosexual relationship, b) that lower-earning partners (male or female) are also protected in a marriage.

I hate to break it to you but as a pp stated, marriage is not about romance.

@SentientAndCognisant

Regard Next of Kin, that has no legal status.

You can nominate any capacitous adult eg your partner to be your nok
But get it recorded
Simply write to GP to get it recorded on notes

Exactly. Never assume these things. If you are not married, you must think about all of these things and actually take the necessary steps. You can either marry, have a civil partnership, OR, sit down and think carefully about every possibility and plan for it, legally and in writing. The latter is a perfectly good choice.

@SentientAndCognisant Yup. The best solicitor and barrister I could afford. But even they couldn't match a psychopathic narcissist Finance Director / Chartered Accountant setting up his own business.

@Choccylips

Yes he is a Common Law husband so he is her husband.

Nope.

@AnotherEmma you said it far better than me.

I genuinely don’t think @Choccylips will be disavowed of the common law spouse myth

I don't see why his brothers who live abroad should have to attend. The legal and financial commitment that marriage entails is of course very important and significant to you and him, but I doubt it's a big deal to anyone else that two people who already "live as if married" (your words,) are formalising their relationship. You're not some blushing young bride and groom introducing your families and friends to each other, there's no need for a big statement of commitment or celebration of a "new" life together. You're just sorting out your legal protections.

I think some previous posters have hit the nail on the head and that your fiance is dragging his feet but you don't want to confront the issue.

This pandemic is actually the perfect time for people who can't be bothered with a wedding to get married. I know several couples who have done so because there's no pressure to please anyone but themselves.

I don’t often need to refer to the fact that I have a husband.

In a context where I might need to mention him, I’d normally just say his name.

People would then either ask who “Dave” is or just assume he’s my husband/boyfriend/significant other based on the context.

It’s a bit like women who change their Facebook names to their future married names when still engaged - it’s a bit weird & would just make me think you were desperate to get married but he didn’t really want to marry you.

The other very important thing to be aware of is that a marriage invalidates a will.
You could make a will leaving everything to your children, then you could marry your partner the next day and your will is invalid.
My grandad and my uncle, both widowers, remarried late in life. Their second, younger wives inherited everything, even though both men thought they had left their estates to their children.
This happens frequently because people just don't know until it happens to them.

Interestingly when I met my now exh I was earning more than him.

My eldest ended up being autistic and for a variety of reasons (not least because my exH refused to request flexible working) my career took the hit.

I'm glad I had the protection of marriage to ensure that I didn't end up homeless and unable to home myself or my kids.

Call it shameless if you like but that's still the female reality

[quote Nicknamegoeshere]@PixelatedLunchbox I was married and neither did I. He changed the locks after I left and never let me have anything. "Joint assets", apparently.[/quote]
My friend lost in court. "Not married, no claim."

Lose the wishy-washy and own your choices.
If you want a husband then get married. If you’re not bothered about getting married then own it and call him your partner.

Sorry but YABU, he isn’t your husband. There’s no stigma about whether he’s your boyfriend, fiancé, partner, brother , friend or whatever, so why lie?

Marriage isn’t the only way to be a happy couple (and I’m married) so it’s a bit weird to pretend.

Well in my case it's my fiancé that is keen to marry but I'm like no you're OK thank you. Made that mistake before!

How about the Australian 'de facto'?

You're not married. Therefore you are not a wife. He is not a husband. That's it!

So do they have the same rights as married/civil union couples if one of them passes away or leaves?

Pretty much, as long as they have lived together for at least three years.

Op has left in a huff wishing us all happy fucking Friday

That poster wasn’t judging you for being an unmarried mother.

You’re not unreasonable to not correct people who mistakenly refer to him as your husband. But it would be quite silly to call him that yourself. Firstly, it’s not correct. But more importantly it means that when you do get married you won’t be able to have the pleasure and enjoyment of legitimately calling him that.

I’d talk to your DP again, btw, and suggest to him that actually it would probably be best not to delay for too long. Ultimately marriage is about the two of you and your child(ren) and although it would be nice to have your and his family there to witness it, they can always share in the celebrations at a later date.

@Nicknamegoeshere

Well in my case it's my fiancé that is keen to marry but I'm like no you're OK thank you. Made that mistake before!

Then why are you engaged?

Not being pissy, just curious as to why you are engaged to someone you are not that keen to marry!

@Nicknamegoeshere given you have misgivings about marriage don’t get engaged
Engaged implies a progression to marriage. You don’t want to get married

@eaglejulesk

Genuine question - why is marriage such a big "thing" in the UK? I'm in NZ and lots of people here never get married, once they've lived together for a certain number of years it makes no difference.

Do you mean 'no difference' legally?

If that became the situation here in the UK, then I would never risk living with anyone. If I'm living with them, that's because I don't want to be married to them.

Marriage and all its rights and responsibilities should always be an active choice and those rights and responsibilities shouldn't just happen because a certain number of years have passed. It's like marriage by stealth!

What would happen to say a widow who wanted to pass her goods on to her children but moved in with someone? Would that mean in 15 years or whatever, he would have as much claim on her estate as if she'd married him?

@SentientAndCognisant

Op has left in a huff wishing us all happy fucking Friday

It doesn't matter, Op's little huff. What matters is that this thread will be information for people who might not have known that marriage is a legal contract that bestows certain financial and legal rights and protections on the couple and on their children.

This REALLY should be taught in schools. There is still far too much of the 'Common Law' and 'it's only a bit of paper' myths about.

I wouldn't call my partner my husband but usually I just call him twat face anyway (light hearted of course ).

We have a child, known each other since 11&12 and been together 8 years. We are engaged but honestly. It's just effort to sort out a wedding and we've been engaged 2.5 years and I haven't looked at one single thing .