To call him my husband?

[WingingItMumma]

My partner and I are engaged and have been for over 2 years now. We have been together 5 years and were friends for 4 years before that. Towards the beginning of the engagement, we lost a baby and then fell pregnant again and my mind was all over the place with anxiety because of the previous loss. We then had the baby and 4 weeks later, lockdown happened. Otherwise we would probably be married by now. (I don't want a huge, takes years to plan wedding). The only reason we haven't popped to the registry office when it was safe to during COVID is that his 2 brothers live abroad and he doesn't want to get married without them there (which I totally get!).

But, we are living like we are married. Everything is the same between us as it would be a happily married couple, apart from a piece of paper. I hate referring to him as my partner, or worse, boyfriend (he's in his 40s, hardly a boy!) and the term fiancé gives me the ick. If people refer to him as "your husband" (trades people, shop staff etc) then I don't correct them. But is it weird to actually refer to him as my husband if we're not technically married?

Just to note, I don't call him my husband at the moment. I just want to put feelers out to see if it's socially acceptable. I also realise I'm a chronic over thinker and in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter.

My husband is my husband cause I married him.

My boyfriend, now he's something completely different

Get a ring on it OP 😜

What if you are the one that has more money than your spouse?

Then that spouse is protected as marriage is a two way thing.

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g

Just one more thing which I'm not sure anyone else has said.

Marriage is not romantic, it's a practical legal arrangement protecting the interests of both spouses, but it's especially beneficial to the lower earner, regardless of whether that person is male or female. I'm delighted to hear that so many women are the higher earners in their relationships. Long may that continue, and here's to a steady growth in your numbers.

Sadly, though:

(a) You are in a minority. Most women who have children earn less than their male partner.

(b) Some high earners become ill and are unable to work. This can happen to anybody at any time. As with making a will, when considering whether to marry or not, you have to think through every possible eventuality.

This!

What if you are the one that has more money than your spouse?
Then that spouse is protected as marriage is a two way thing

As Tamara ecclestone is likely to find out

My advice would be only marry if you are sure he is not a narcissist. Well, as sure as you can be. Otherwise he'll have control and rights thst he wouldn't have had if you were not married. Esp if you have kids together.

A couple of thoughts on not getting married as it's just a piece of paper

In the event of a medical emergency you are not the NOK. Your wishes may be superseded by their family who are NOK. What if their views clash with yours ?

In the event of sudden death you won't be able to access their bank accounts, if the haven't made a will you will actually have to make a claim on the estate. Common law partners have no automatic rights to an estate. And then if the estate is over inheritance tax threshold you will have to pay tax on it. Spouses don't.

@eaglejulesk

Genuine question - why is marriage such a big "thing" in the UK? I'm in NZ and lots of people here never get married, once they've lived together for a certain number of years it makes no difference.

Because sadly, you can live with someone for 50 years in the UK and have no more rights than someone who kipped over after a ONS.

You will get half of the house if you are on the mortgage but thats about it. No rights over their estate, pension etc. You will only get what is left to you in a will, if there is one. If you have not been named as such then any kids you share will be their next of kin, not you.

I think that there should be a similar law over here but sadly we are still a very conservative country in that respect. I cant see it changing any time soon, especially as there is now the civil partnership option available for all.

If boys are "Mr" from birth I don't see why girls should first be "Miss" and then "Mrs", they should be "Ms" from birth and not have to change it. As with surnames, no one should have to change
Boys are Master not Mister aren't tbey?

I'm OK then. My fiancé has zero savings and we don't own property! 😂

Boys are Master not Mister aren't tbey?

Not at our doctors. My sons where Mr from the day they were born. DD's were all Miss. I dont remember stating a preference (most certainly wouldnt with the youngest three as I had found my feminism by then) so it seems to be assumed.
Funny that Master has been largely forgotten while Miss is still the assumed title for girls.....

What's wrong with using his name?

You know like an actual person with his own identity.

"I'd like to paint the lounge pink but I don't think Dave/Gary/Nigel would like it"

What's wrong with that? Shorter and more efficient than being a dick and calling him "The Husband".

A friend of mine did this. I think it was to avoid inviting her new work colleagues to her wedding. But then it turned out one of her work colleagues was also a friend of mine and I mentioned I was going to her wedding. Friend was like 'but she's already married', all got a bit odd and embarrassing.

Take it from a friend of mine who split with her unmarried partner after 20 years together and didn't get anything out of her half of "his" house (which she paid half the mortgage on) that "piece of paper" matters. A lot.

Regard Next of Kin, that has no legal status.

You can nominate any capacitous adult eg your partner to be your nok
But get it recorded
Simply write to GP to get it recorded on notes

@PixelatedLunchbox I was married and neither did I. He changed the locks after I left and never let me have anything. "Joint assets", apparently.

I find it unhelpful on here on relationship threads as legally the advice can be very different.

I find it also odd to use a married title when not but don’t give it much thought

Thanks @PyongyangKipperbang. I've seen it referenced a few times and wondered. We have the civil union partnership option here also, but lots of people just live in a de facto relationship, even with children.

There we go again - marriage equals security. So a woman should get married to ensure she can make a claim on her husband's assets should they break up? What are these: the fifties? The OP might well be earning ten times her partner's income. But lots of PPs are assuming she doesn't earn as much. Sad and distasteful.

@Nicknamegoeshere did you instruct a solicitor to dispute his account?

@PyongyangKipperbang

Boys are Master not Mister aren't tbey?

Not at our doctors. My sons where Mr from the day they were born. DD's were all Miss. I dont remember stating a preference (most certainly wouldnt with the youngest three as I had found my feminism by then) so it seems to be assumed.
Funny that Master has been largely forgotten while Miss is still the assumed title for girls.....

This

The vast majority of forms have the options of Mr, Mrs or Miss (and often Dr, sometimes others too) but never "Master".

I have a friend who does this. I find it strange. She also changed her surname to his. They definitely aren't married.

@eaglejulesk

Thanks *@PyongyangKipperbang*. I've seen it referenced a few times and wondered. We have the civil union partnership option here also, but lots of people just live in a de facto relationship, even with children.

So do they have the same rights as married/civil union couples if one of them passes away or leaves?

@BarryWhiteIsMyBrother Agreed. I have savings whereas my fiancé doesn't and my earning capacity is far greater than his.

Also a man who calls marriage "just a piece of paper" is a man who is planning to run away and leave you high and dry. Take note and leave before you are in too deep or plan your life on the basis that you will be abandoned in the future.