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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He’s forfeited our support bubble to keep ex happy

131 replies

Nononoandno · 13/11/2020 10:25

I’m in a relationship with a guy and we both have an older teen each (both under 18yrs) we don’t live with each other, we are each other’s support bubble. His son has a girlfriend that he sees at college but is not happy about not being able to see her at weekends due to Covid rules. So the sons argument is why can his dad see me (sat nights) and he can’t see his GF. Also my partners ex wife is saying she won’t see her son while my partner see me and their son sees GF out of college. My partner has rolled over for an easy life and said he won’t see me if son doesn’t see GF, I only see him one day/night a week he’s said he shouldn’t see me this weekend due to what feels like to keep his ex and son happy! Is this relationship doomed (6 months in)... his son sits next to his GF at college mon-fri. Feel like his ex is pulling his strings, I know she’s jealous about us, due to things she’s said to my partner. Advice please

OP posts:
Original poster
Nononoandno · 13/11/2020 10:29

My ex had said he’s trying to keep everyone happy... I’ve told him it’s impossible to keep everyone happy. I feel like I’m way down his list of priorities due to this decision. I feel like I’ve lost respect for him and I know in the past that kills my feeling when I’m a relationship 😞

OP posts:
CakeRequired · 13/11/2020 10:39

Hmm tricky one as your partner can't just choose you over his son, he's only known you 6 months.

However his son already sees his gf 5 days a week and he's a teenager, he should be a bit more grown up about this and not have a tantrum about not seeing his gf for another day. Plus the ex shouldn't really be refusing to see her own son unless your partner doesn't see you.

MordredsOrrery · 13/11/2020 10:42

I think YABU because he should put his son first - it's a new relationship and I'd struggle to respect a man who didn't.

But I'm not clear on if his ex is now the support bubble? Is she vulnerable health wise and that's making her uncomfortable about the extra people coming into your boyfriend's home?

Nottherealslimshady · 13/11/2020 10:46

He's prioritised his son over his girlfriend. That's what parents are meant to do.

OrigamiOwl · 13/11/2020 11:10

@CakeRequired

Hmm tricky one as your partner can't just choose you over his son, he's only known you 6 months.

However his son already sees his gf 5 days a week and he's a teenager, he should be a bit more grown up about this and not have a tantrum about not seeing his gf for another day. Plus the ex shouldn't really be refusing to see her own son unless your partner doesn't see you.

I agree with all this.

He does need to put his son first, as a parent. But if I was that low down someone's pecking order, below the ex, it wouldn't be a relationship I'd be bothered about staying in.

Sirzy · 13/11/2020 11:11

After 6 months I wouldn’t expect to be put ahead of his child.

HepLaurenceLB · 13/11/2020 11:15

I would say it is doomed because you only see each other once a week.

MrsSpringfield · 13/11/2020 11:16

Why can't the son see the gf on a Saturday, since he will have seen her / swapped germs with her the rest of the week anyway. I don't get it?

FlibbertyGiblets · 13/11/2020 11:16

What they all said. He's a decent father. Putting his son first, over a brand new relationship.

Why do you think it is the ex instigating? Do you feel that she is trying to cause a rift?

Original poster
Nononoandno · 13/11/2020 11:16

I agree with kids coming first completely.

But for his son (almost 18) to say to his dad if his dad doesn’t see me at weekends (the only time I see him) then he won’t see his GF at weekends ... just feels like his son is calling the shots. Where his dad should be saying I know it feels unfair but the rules are the rules and life is just like that sometimes. Originally we discussed it and agreed he could see his GF at weekends as they sit next to each other at college but his mum put a stop to that.... I think to cause angst between my ex and his son due to me seeing his dad x

OP posts:
Original poster
Nononoandno · 13/11/2020 11:18

Last week the ex said “it’s ok for you and your new family” she clearly is jealous and no doubt finding these times hard like everyone

OP posts:
CakeRequired · 13/11/2020 11:19

Why can't the son see the gf on a Saturday, since he will have seen her / swapped germs with her the rest of the week anyway. I don't get it?

Welcome to the government's rules where kids can see hundreds of other kids in school, because covid knows not to infect loads of people at once of course, but as soon as it hits 4pm, that's when covid breaks all rules and will attack anyone, so they can only then see a set amount of people outside of school. Change set amount for whatever area you're in.

FlibbertyGiblets · 13/11/2020 11:20

Ah I see your boyf has reported what the ex has said* about being jealous and what not, he's not a keeper as he wants you both dancing to his tune. I retract my prev post.

*or not said, you have no way of knowing if he's telling the truth. Get rid.

Hayeahnobut · 13/11/2020 11:21

You're not his new family.

VettiyaIruken · 13/11/2020 11:23

He had to make a choice and he chose his son.
Only a pretty shit parent would do otherwise.
This whole thing is hard on us all. We just have to do the best we can. Use Skype and stuff. This won't last forever (even though it bloody seems like it already has!)

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/11/2020 11:24

“it’s ok for you and your new family”

Well hardly. You haven’t known each other long and barely see each other anyway. But it’s nothing to do with her.

If you think he’s prioritising his son that’s one thing. If he’s prioritising his ex it’s another.

If you’re not happy then find someone less conflicted and complicated. You don’t need permission to walk away.

Original poster
Nononoandno · 13/11/2020 11:25

@Hayeahnobut

You're not his new family.
I agree, the ex’s words not mine
OP posts:
MzHz · 13/11/2020 11:26

You’ve known him 6m and you’re trying to create a situation where family doesn’t see each other?

No. Not on your nelly.

YOU should have OFFERED to let them see each other over you and shouldn’t blindly demand/expect him to drop them for you.

It’s 6m, it’s not even a big thing yet, you don’t know each other well yet.

If not for Covid, you wouldn’t have been thrown together so much creating a false intimacy

Back off, back away and look after yourself and your son. You can still see friends outside for walks or a natter, so do this and let him look after his family

movingonup20 · 13/11/2020 11:30

To be honest we have not stuck strictly to the rules re teens partners, mine are over 18 and see both us and their dp's and their respective other parents as needed and I say needed because 2 have significant mental health issues and universities are not offering the support they usually do, nothing in person yet this term so no I'm not going to blindly follow rules set in Westminster whilst our barely adults struggle. I would suggest allowing young adults in established relationships (over 3-6 months ish) to see them discretely as long as they aren't socialising elsewhere and it's none of the ex's business!

Original poster
Nononoandno · 13/11/2020 11:31

@MzHz

You’ve known him 6m and you’re trying to create a situation where family doesn’t see each other?

No. Not on your nelly.

YOU should have OFFERED to let them see each other over you and shouldn’t blindly demand/expect him to drop them for you.

It’s 6m, it’s not even a big thing yet, you don’t know each other well yet.

If not for Covid, you wouldn’t have been thrown together so much creating a false intimacy

Back off, back away and look after yourself and your son. You can still see friends outside for walks or a natter, so do this and let him look after his family

Who have I said or am I expecting to not see each 🤷‍♀️
OP posts:
Original poster
Nononoandno · 13/11/2020 11:32

@movingonup20

To be honest we have not stuck strictly to the rules re teens partners, mine are over 18 and see both us and their dp's and their respective other parents as needed and I say needed because 2 have significant mental health issues and universities are not offering the support they usually do, nothing in person yet this term so no I'm not going to blindly follow rules set in Westminster whilst our barely adults struggle. I would suggest allowing young adults in established relationships (over 3-6 months ish) to see them discretely as long as they aren't socialising elsewhere and it's none of the ex's business!
I suggested this at the start but his ex put a stop to it
OP posts:
SproutTime · 13/11/2020 11:36

I'm not sure in what way this is 'putting his son first'. His son does see his girlfriend, 5 days a week? Confused he can also meet his girlfriend outdoors on a Saturday if he wants.

This is not about kids coming first imo.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 13/11/2020 11:38

He has made sure his son can see both of his parents and that is absolutely the right thing to do.

SproutTime · 13/11/2020 11:38

Also have I missed it or is there a reason why he can't see his GF at his mum's or does she already have someone in her bubble/house meaning he can't? Is it only his dad who isn't allowed to have a support bubble?

flaviaritt · 13/11/2020 11:39

I would just have to live with it. How long is it for, a few weeks?