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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He’s forfeited our support bubble to keep ex happy

131 replies

Nononoandno · 13/11/2020 10:25

I’m in a relationship with a guy and we both have an older teen each (both under 18yrs) we don’t live with each other, we are each other’s support bubble. His son has a girlfriend that he sees at college but is not happy about not being able to see her at weekends due to Covid rules. So the sons argument is why can his dad see me (sat nights) and he can’t see his GF. Also my partners ex wife is saying she won’t see her son while my partner see me and their son sees GF out of college. My partner has rolled over for an easy life and said he won’t see me if son doesn’t see GF, I only see him one day/night a week he’s said he shouldn’t see me this weekend due to what feels like to keep his ex and son happy! Is this relationship doomed (6 months in)... his son sits next to his GF at college mon-fri. Feel like his ex is pulling his strings, I know she’s jealous about us, due to things she’s said to my partner. Advice please

OP posts:
Cheeseboardandmincepies · 13/11/2020 13:01

YABU and you know it. I’d put my kids first over a 6 month relationship too. It’s not like it’s serious at that stage.

AryaStarkWolf · 13/11/2020 13:01

@SproutTime

Yes, everyone knows teenagers can be selfish. I think people are taking issue with the fact that so many see this as OPs partner admirably putting his son first.

When in actual fact he's just given in to a selfish teenager tantrum. It's completely different.

My parents put me first in every single way that was important. I'd have been told no very quickly if I'd also tried to tell them they couldn't see who they wanted on a Saturday because someone I'd seen all week couldn't come over.

Exactly
SunshineCake · 13/11/2020 13:02

It would have put a completely different spin on the answers if you had said in your OP that your boyfriend lives with his son.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 13/11/2020 13:07

@SproutTime - again, under normal circumstances I would actually agree with you but these aren't normal times 🤷🏼‍♀️

I can see it in my own teenager that many are struggling with the mixed messages they're getting about what is and isn't allowed (thanks Boris et al. Hmm)

Having re-read, I think it's the ex throwing the tantrum more than the son tbh.

Lovemusic33 · 13/11/2020 13:09

Sorry but the lockdown is possibly only 4 weeks, can’t you just go without seeing each other for 4 weeks so he can see his son?

AryaStarkWolf · 13/11/2020 13:10

@Lovemusic33

Sorry but the lockdown is possibly only 4 weeks, can’t you just go without seeing each other for 4 weeks so he can see his son?
His son lives with him, he won't not be seeing his son
RoseTintedAtuin · 13/11/2020 13:11

He isn’t prioritising his son he’s caving into a tantrum and setting himself up for misery with any new partner. This ones not worth the effort OP. Anything for an easy life is deadly in blended familys

YesItsMeIDontCare · 13/11/2020 13:12

His son lives with him, he won't not be seeing his son

His son won't being seeing his mum though. And that's the problem.

helloitsme4432 · 13/11/2020 13:14

@MrsSpringfield

Why can't the son see the gf on a Saturday, since he will have seen her / swapped germs with her the rest of the week anyway. I don't get it?
Exactly
GabsAlot · 13/11/2020 13:20

the length is irrelvant i moved in with dh within 4 months of meeting weve been married 20 years next week

his ex didnt like it tough and ye si know werent dealing with covid then

it sounds maniputaitve from her to say it so that she gets her way

Letsgetgoing888 · 13/11/2020 13:27

His ex sounds very manipulative.

The son sounds like he takes after his mum...

Daisymaze · 13/11/2020 13:28

Hmmm, although everyone has had a rubbish time with Covid, some more than others, for 18 years olds it has been savage as well, and I remember being that age and relationships seeming like the biggest thing. I wouldn't say he's 'thrown a tantrum', but more than your partner assumes you will be an adult about it and able to understand more so why he is making that decision. If he said nah but I'm seeing you OP, it would create resentment between you and DS, and if you want this to go somewhere that's not good as he will always put him first. It depends really, it won't be the last time you are second on his list, and it's not really for you to judge whether it's being selfish or he is just stomping his feet or not; if you don't want to then perhaps it's time to move on. I don't think teens should get everything they want, but at the moment when things are monumentally crap I would try to understand.

Original poster
Nononoandno · 13/11/2020 13:32

What I have with my partner is very very good, this is the first blip/disagreement we’ve had. I messaged him this morning to say I’m disappointed and feel he’s been manipulated etc. I’ve had a response back .... he’s gutted and think he’s losing me 🙈

OP posts:
Original poster
Nononoandno · 13/11/2020 13:39

I know we are good and very solid so early in our relationship but we are a fantastic match and I’m not letting him go over this. The kids grow up and move on...eventually 😐.

I 100% know how we feel about each other, and I’m not going to let this be the end of us, but it is well and truly is mentally logged... flagged.... and ready for anything similar to crop up again. Yes be been second best in relationships in the past and definitely not entertaining it again.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 13/11/2020 13:40

I don't see this as a son vs new girlfriend situation to be honest.
There's putting your child's needs first, and I would almost always agree there, and then there's rolling over because an 18 year old throws a strop about only seeing his girlfriend 5/7 days a week.

I know you say what you have with your partner is good, but you're 6 months in, don't live together,
are basically boyfriend and girlfriend with no ties. He seems to respond based on what his ex says and is allowing an 18 year old to dictate his private life because his son only gets to see his go 5/7 days. I'd leave whilst you can. It's a lot of drama for 24 weeks.

NiceandCalm · 13/11/2020 13:45

Children from a split relationship can see both parents, doesn't have to be one or the other - that is separate and aside from other rules.
As your DP is living alone (with his son) he's allowed to form a support bubble with one other person/family. So, that could be you, unless you are in someone else's support bubble. The ex can have her own support bubble.
So, the DS and Ex are wrong to demand your DP don't see you. Kids can't form bubbles! Whatever next, lol. DS can't go off and see his g/f or mates. End of. Unless he really doesn't like you, sounds like the ex is just sticking her oar in to cause trouble to your DP.
I'd tell him that when he can grow a backbone, maybe you'll see him when this (Covid) is over but with an ex like that, I'd be very wary.

Coyoacan · 13/11/2020 13:47

I'm sorry, OP, when my dd was 8, I had a bf and she freaked out. I'm afraid it was not hard to break with him and put her first because he was not the love of my life. I think it is the same here.

If he was really into you and going to miss you too much, he would realise that they have no right to dictate who he sees.

PuddinThePuffin · 13/11/2020 13:48

@Coyoacan

I'm sorry, OP, when my dd was 8, I had a bf and she freaked out. I'm afraid it was not hard to break with him and put her first because he was not the love of my life. I think it is the same here.

If he was really into you and going to miss you too much, he would realise that they have no right to dictate who he sees.

Your daughter was 8... Not 17 Confused
Onpause · 13/11/2020 13:52

Thai isn't about kids coming first, to me this teenager is ruling three roosts and stamping his feet to get his own way.
There is no need to put the son first, he sees his girlfriend. There are rules, set by the Government, you are following them. The teenager is being a brat.

I would knock this on the head personally. The "kid" obviously is acting out because of your relationship and is being enabled by both parents.

I also don't like that your bf has told you want ex said, unless you're open about her. He sounds like a wind up merchant.

You only see each other once a week? Not much support in that bubble. I'd pop it and find another.

kateandme · 13/11/2020 13:52

@CakeRequired

Why can't the son see the gf on a Saturday, since he will have seen her / swapped germs with her the rest of the week anyway. I don't get it?

Welcome to the government's rules where kids can see hundreds of other kids in school, because covid knows not to infect loads of people at once of course, but as soon as it hits 4pm, that's when covid breaks all rules and will attack anyone, so they can only then see a set amount of people outside of school. Change set amount for whatever area you're in.

no its about limiting the exposure to others in any way you can.in school its school.home is then whatever and wherever he goes and sees. from the shop to the park is then her too. and all shes come into contacvt with .from being home from 4pm. every time you doint see them is another amount of time and a lesser exposure or rsik.its really not hard.
dontdisturbmenow · 13/11/2020 13:56

YABU and you know it. I’d put my kids first over a 6 month relationship too. It’s not like it’s serious at that stage
Haha because teenage romance is?

Reborn2020 · 13/11/2020 13:57

Sounds like the almost adult child is throwing a strop backed by manipulative ex....

Reborn2020 · 13/11/2020 13:59

So teenage romance where they see each other 5 days a week at college should come before any other relationship....

Ignore posters who say not serious relationship.....I had one tell me that my almost 2 year relationship was 'new' even though we had moved in together..... it's not the number of years that matter @Nononoandno ...some do 30 years and barely seem to really 'know' each other going by the dipstick question on here

grapewine · 13/11/2020 14:00

So he's gutted and worried about losing you? But is he going to do anything about it, that's what matters.

PodgeBod · 13/11/2020 14:01

Only you can say if its doomed. Really, it was the sons choice to see his girlfriend on weekends or see his mother. Given that he is 17, I think that decision should be left up to him. There was no need for you DP to sacrifice seeing you at all. Now that he's given in to this, I think the ex will continue to meddle and make ultimatums.
However if she's willing to threaten not to see her own son to make a point, you're probably better off out of it now.

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