Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He’s forfeited our support bubble to keep ex happy

131 replies

Nononoandno · 13/11/2020 10:25

I’m in a relationship with a guy and we both have an older teen each (both under 18yrs) we don’t live with each other, we are each other’s support bubble. His son has a girlfriend that he sees at college but is not happy about not being able to see her at weekends due to Covid rules. So the sons argument is why can his dad see me (sat nights) and he can’t see his GF. Also my partners ex wife is saying she won’t see her son while my partner see me and their son sees GF out of college. My partner has rolled over for an easy life and said he won’t see me if son doesn’t see GF, I only see him one day/night a week he’s said he shouldn’t see me this weekend due to what feels like to keep his ex and son happy! Is this relationship doomed (6 months in)... his son sits next to his GF at college mon-fri. Feel like his ex is pulling his strings, I know she’s jealous about us, due to things she’s said to my partner. Advice please

OP posts:
ChloeCrocodile · 13/11/2020 14:07

I agree with you OP.

Putting the son first when necessary (eg if he was an adult had DP had to choose whom to form a support bubble with) - absolutely 100% right.
Giving in to a teenage tantrum - absolutely not.

However, I don't think DP is likely to change. He gives in to unreasonable demands in order to have an easy life. I can't be doing with such weak people so I'd walk away tbh.

Dancemonkeydance · 13/11/2020 14:11

Op IMO mumsnet is full to the brim of bitter ex wife's who no matter what their EXH does for the kids it will never ever be enough. So when it comes to "step kids/partners with kids" they will always jump on the woman poster because they're so bitter about their person situation (I'm not saying all and I'm not saying some woman don't have reason to be bitter) so bear this in mind when reading some of the comments as I've been on the receiving end too!
But in reply to your post, I think your relationship only holds a chance of surving is if your partner can see what you can see. I was in a very similar position to you once. My partner is a wonderful father and was a great guy when we met (he had kids, I didn't) but as soon as they two paths crossed my life I started being treated awfully. I saw it as his kids coming first for a long time until I realised I matter too and it wasn't OK for me to be treated the way I was. His kids wanted him at their total beck and call when suited them and couldn't handled him having a life of his own. When he saw it himself things began to change. In a married couple kids wouldn't be able to dictate every move their parents made so it shouldn't be any different for separated parents, but often it is.
Now I'm a mother myself I could never imagine a partner to come before my kids because the two don't compare. They are very different relationships that of a couple and that of a parent and child. The constant comparison on here is mad to me.
Hope your ok OP because I know how shit it can be. Xx

Skysblue · 13/11/2020 14:15

Sounds like son and ex are trying to get rid of you. So don’t decide anything in a hurry OP. I agree with you, but you can see from the responses on this thread that not everyone feels that way, so I guess the dad isn’t being crazy unreasonable (although if I was the Dad I would have told the son to stop being a dick).

Lockdown won’t last forever, the son will move out soon, relationships can last a lifetime... Up to you how you feel, but I wouldn’t make him choose between the two of you at such a pressured time. You can say things like “I don’t think it’s the correct decision, I want to see you and I feel that your ex and son are being manipulative to try to break us up, but I can see they’ve put you in a horrible position and I don’t want to put any more pressure on you, let’s just chill out for a few weeks and catch up after lockdown.”

lioncitygirl · 13/11/2020 14:18

You’re not his priority - sorry.

AryaStarkWolf · 13/11/2020 14:21

@YesItsMeIDontCare

His son lives with him, he won't not be seeing his son

His son won't being seeing his mum though. And that's the problem.

An unnecessary problem engineered by his mother not doubt to cause problems in his fathers new relationship
AryaStarkWolf · 13/11/2020 14:24

@Nononoandno

I know we are good and very solid so early in our relationship but we are a fantastic match and I’m not letting him go over this. The kids grow up and move on...eventually 😐.

I 100% know how we feel about each other, and I’m not going to let this be the end of us, but it is well and truly is mentally logged... flagged.... and ready for anything similar to crop up again. Yes be been second best in relationships in the past and definitely not entertaining it again.

I think that's the best way forward tbh but definitely keep it in mind, it sounds like the ex seems eager to cause issues between you two
Milkshake7489 · 13/11/2020 14:26

I don't think it's a case of putting his son over you (which would be a good thing). I think he's putting his ex over you...

If you, DP, and his son were all happy with him seeing you and his son seeing his gf that should have been the end of the discussion, surely? Unless I'm missing something?

GoJoe2020 · 13/11/2020 14:27

I suggested this at the start but his ex put a stop to it

Probably because its her business what her son does, and not even a tiny bit anything to do with you.

AryaStarkWolf · 13/11/2020 14:28

Oh yeah actually OP, a question will his mother see him if he see's his g/f on the weekends? If the answer is yes then it's quite clear she's only trying to sabotage your relationship because what's the difference to her son forming a bubble with his g/f and your B/f forming one with you?

YesItsMeIDontCare · 13/11/2020 14:30

An unnecessary problem engineered by his mother not doubt to cause problems in his fathers new relationship

Absolutely. I don't think the son is to blame to be honest.

I'm not sure I'd want to be in a relationship with someone with a um... difficult(?) ex.

AryaStarkWolf · 13/11/2020 14:33

@YesItsMeIDontCare

An unnecessary problem engineered by his mother not doubt to cause problems in his fathers new relationship

Absolutely. I don't think the son is to blame to be honest.

I'm not sure I'd want to be in a relationship with someone with a um... difficult(?) ex.

Yeah I wouldn't blame the son either, he's 17, he's the most important person in his own life at the moment like most teenagers and it makes it nice and easy for him to get what he wants when his mother is willing to help him ......which is entirely her fault
LolaSmiles · 13/11/2020 14:34

Ignore posters who say not serious relationship.....I had one tell me that my almost 2 year relationship was 'new' even though we had moved in together..... it's not the number of years that matter
2 years and living together isn't the same as 6 months not living together.

Like it or not 6 months is a short period of time, they don't live together and have no ties. It is a new relationship.

The OP has said that the relationship is good and it's ok because kids will grow up and move out. That doesn't sound like great foundations for a relationship (it's ok because once his child is an adult he'll be out the way). If she's in a relationship with a man who has an almost adult child then that child is part of the package. Given the family dynamics between her partner, his son and his ex, it's not unreasonable to suggest cutting her losses might spare her heartache and drama down the line.

DumplingsAndStew · 13/11/2020 14:39

It still amazes me how many MNers seem to have been able to start new relationships whilst the country was in a national lockdown Confused

Littlepaws18 · 13/11/2020 14:42

This is the start of unreasonable demands his ex will put on you and your relationship. What is important is not the hissy fits she creates "for the benefits of her children" (which it never is the main motivation is for her own self interest) is how your partner reacts.

Now he's never been in this situation before, so he is going to mess up at first, but he needs to remain firm with her. This is a power struggle and she is trying to exert dominance and influence over situations that are none of her concern. She manipulates stating she has her children's interests at heart. He needs to see that and if he can't it's going to be a miserable ride.

This I found a great website, and these stages of grief I think are spot on! www.bswc.co.uk/trouble-with-the-ex/

Original poster
Nononoandno · 13/11/2020 14:48

Such a contrast of views 🙂 I’m fully aware of bitter folk too, I’ve been single in and off for 12 years and been in similar situations before.... for me the next 6 months will be about if my partner has a backbone not how much his ex interferes, I do feel sorry for her actually as think she’s Finally realised she’s lost him. And I remember how that felt 12 years ago

OP posts:
Original poster
Nononoandno · 13/11/2020 14:53

@DumplingsAndStew

It still amazes me how many MNers seem to have been able to start new relationships whilst the country was in a national lockdown Confused
We started dating so socially distanced walking .... then bubbles were introduced!
OP posts:
Original poster
Nononoandno · 13/11/2020 14:54

Although date 3 wasn’t totally socially distanced 😜.... what can I say... I needed to know my bubble was a good one 😃

OP posts:
Stantons · 13/11/2020 19:41

YANBU OP but your OH being bossed about by his ex and son like this are massive red flags to me

Original poster
Nononoandno · 13/11/2020 20:06

Yes red flags I agree

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 13/11/2020 20:10

Good on him for choosing his son over a new GF. Given lockdown and SD have been in place for more than six months clearly rules have been broken so it’s good he’s now doing the same as his son and following them.

ReneeRol · 14/11/2020 01:50

He's showing you how weak and pathetic he is. Nobody worth getting into a relationship with allows themselves to be manipulated and dictated to by an ex and spoilt near adult child.

Get out of there and find a man with the ability to run his own life.

Original poster
Nononoandno · 15/11/2020 09:44

Update.... his son’s seen GF for a socially distanced walk (yeah right as if a teenager isnt going to kiss his girlfriend) and I’ve seen his dad. Absolutely nothing was achieved this weekend

OP posts:
SecretSpAD · 16/11/2020 15:37

Ignore posters who say not serious relationship

Yup, this. I met and moved in with my husband within 6 months. 12 months later we married and we've been together now for over 16 years. I knew it was meant to last at 6 months. If people don't at that point then I'd be very sorry for them and wonder about their ability to commit Wink

Hopefully the thought of losing you will open his eyes to this manipulation and tantrumming. Good luck.

Jroseforever · 16/11/2020 15:42

I say it’s not a serious relationship not because of duration
But because partner clearly not bothered and OP asking anonymous mumsnetters if her relationship is “doomed.

Doesn’t exactly indicate “serious” to me.

LolaSmiles · 16/11/2020 16:08

I say it’s not a serious relationship not because of duration
But because partner clearly not bothered and OP asking anonymous mumsnetters if her relationship is “doomed.
Doesn’t exactly indicate “serious” to me.
Exactly. It's one thing to hit a road bump after a while, and quite another to have this much conflict and drama after 6 months.
Some people can be a serious relationship after 6 months, but I doubt they're couples living separately, with no shared ties, drama with the ex, drama with his almost adult son, where one partner decides it's a great relationship because the child will grow up and move out soon etc.

Swipe left for the next trending thread