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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He’s forfeited our support bubble to keep ex happy

131 replies

Nononoandno · 13/11/2020 10:25

I’m in a relationship with a guy and we both have an older teen each (both under 18yrs) we don’t live with each other, we are each other’s support bubble. His son has a girlfriend that he sees at college but is not happy about not being able to see her at weekends due to Covid rules. So the sons argument is why can his dad see me (sat nights) and he can’t see his GF. Also my partners ex wife is saying she won’t see her son while my partner see me and their son sees GF out of college. My partner has rolled over for an easy life and said he won’t see me if son doesn’t see GF, I only see him one day/night a week he’s said he shouldn’t see me this weekend due to what feels like to keep his ex and son happy! Is this relationship doomed (6 months in)... his son sits next to his GF at college mon-fri. Feel like his ex is pulling his strings, I know she’s jealous about us, due to things she’s said to my partner. Advice please

OP posts:
ZoeTurtle · 13/11/2020 11:39

Sounds like an awful lot of drama for what should be the fun stage of a relationship.

FortunesFave · 13/11/2020 11:40

Almost 18 is 17. I have a 16 year old...no WAY would a partner of 6 months come before them. Dream on.

SproutTime · 13/11/2020 11:40

@MilkTwoSugarsThanks

He has made sure his son can see both of his parents and that is absolutely the right thing to do.
I'm talking about his son saying if I can't see my girlfriend then Dad shouldn't see his. I think that's wrong and manipulative personally and I wouldn't let my teen dictate that to me given he does see his girlfriend in college 5 days a week.

Obviously his ex refusing to let their son round if he sees OP is different and I can understand why he'd choose to see his son. But I'd be arguing it with my ex, not just accepting it. He is entitled to a support bubble like anyone else.

Original poster
Nononoandno · 13/11/2020 11:42

@SproutTime

I'm not sure in what way this is 'putting his son first'. His son does see his girlfriend, 5 days a week? Confused he can also meet his girlfriend outdoors on a Saturday if he wants.

This is not about kids coming first imo.

Exactly my point is that my partner is letting his son call the shots not about putting anyone first. And the fact my partner initially agreed for his son to still see his GF at weekends until his ex got involved (he did ask her before he agreed it if she had an opinion on it and she refused to get involved) then after he told him he could see her at weekends the ex decided she DID have an opinion on it.
OP posts:
Original poster
Nononoandno · 13/11/2020 11:45

Just to clarify my partner lives with his son, his sons ex is saying she doesn’t want to see her son if son is seeing GF at weekends and if my partner sees me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nononoandno · 13/11/2020 11:46

My partner gets to see his son anyway as he lives with him

OP posts:
Sirzy · 13/11/2020 11:49

I think saying “they see each other all day at college” is really unfair on them. It’s hardly the same as actually being able to spend quality time together.

I think a case of neither seeing their partners is fairest because it’s meant to be household bubbles so otherwise it’s saying his relationship is more important than his sons

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 13/11/2020 11:53

It's got absolutely NOTHING to do with 'putting his son first'

It's not either seeing @Nononoandno OR his son, it's his 17 yo stomping about, telling his Dad 'it's not fair' that his Dad can see his gf at the weekend but he can't.

Jesus wept, yes your kids needs should come first, but that doesn't mean being told how to live your life by them.

@Nononoandno

Walk away. He's allowing his 17yo & ex to come between you. If he wants her to tell him who he can & can't see, let him crack on, you don't have to be a part of that nonsense.

MzHz · 13/11/2020 11:54

6m isn’t a partner

It’s a boyfriend

Stop kidding yourself by making out that this is a more stable and established relationship than it is.

Have fun, see him, don’t see him, but don’t expect anything of each other until at least a year in.

Enko · 13/11/2020 11:54

Cant you and bf meet on a Saturday for a walk together?

Right now I think he did the right choice he put his son above you.

RedskyAtnight · 13/11/2020 11:54

If I told my teen son he couldn't see his girlfriend at weekends (he doesn't actually have a girlfriend, but hypothetically) I have absolutely no doubt that he would ignore me. (He would use the "but we see each other 5 days a week, what's the difference, argument").

So I find the amount of control that ex has over her son, and that he's prepared to do some strange sort of deal with his dad to make it ok, extremely worrying.

CodenameVillanelle · 13/11/2020 11:55

@Nottherealslimshady

He's prioritised his son over his girlfriend. That's what parents are meant to do.
He's not seeing you so that his son can see his mum. That's the right thing for him to do, regardless of whether the mum is reasonable or not.
Cheeseandwin5 · 13/11/2020 11:56

@Sirzy
*I think saying “they see each other all day at college” is really unfair on them. It’s hardly the same as actually being able to spend quality time together.

I think a case of neither seeing their partners is fairest because it’s meant to be household bubbles so otherwise it’s saying his relationship is more important than his sons*

Totally this - I think seeing each other at school is totally different from actually spending quality time with a person.
Maybe if you feel it is that school and going out is the same you can zoom call your partner to get a similar fix.

Ellmau · 13/11/2020 11:57

The guidelines say you aren't allowed to switch your bubble. If he wants to stop being in one with you he can - but he can't then join another one.

PizzaForOne · 13/11/2020 11:57

His son needs to accept those are the rules, or convince his mum to let him see his girlfriend (no doubt they are hugging/holding hands/kissing at school/on the bus/whatever anyway so whats the extra risk?). Not in line with government guidance but lets be honest very few families are following every rule 100%

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 13/11/2020 11:59

@SproutTime - I would agree with you if the relationship was more established.

Teenagers are selfish. They lack emotional maturity and see things in black & white. They also need help and guidance to grow out of it and slamming down "the law" is unlikely to work well.

My partner gets to see his son anyway as he lives with him is a bit petulant tbh.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 13/11/2020 11:59

His son has a point.

This is for 3 more weeks.

Many people observed lockdown for months.

His son will be off to Uni in due course.

He hasn't 'forfeited' anything, he is making an impossible decision and has listened to his son.

Either you can hack it or you can't.

Original poster
Nononoandno · 13/11/2020 12:00

@Enko

Cant you and bf meet on a Saturday for a walk together?

Right now I think he did the right choice he put his son above you.

His son isn’t happy about us meeting at all... and quizzed his dad if he was going to have tea with me and how long spending together etc!!
OP posts:
LadyOfTheImprovisedBath · 13/11/2020 12:01

@Nononoandno

Just to clarify my partner lives with his son, his sons ex is saying she doesn’t want to see her son if son is seeing GF at weekends and if my partner sees me.
If she was asked said it was nothing to do with her and then came back with this it does sound irritating.

If lads at collegue is is Dad trying to keep him on track after a very difficult year rather than appease the ex?

If it's a couple of weeks and this is the oly issue I'd probably wait it out and see how things pan out afterwards - if it's part of a pattern then at 6 months I'd walk away.

VinylDetective · 13/11/2020 12:03

@MrsSpringfield

Why can't the son see the gf on a Saturday, since he will have seen her / swapped germs with her the rest of the week anyway. I don't get it?
I don’t either. Is Covid more virulent at weekends?
Azerothi · 13/11/2020 12:05

You're calling him your partner at just 6 months in, you sound way more overinvested in him than he is in you.

At 6 months you should be dating and having fun. Not trying to compete with his son and ex and calling him a partner.

SproutTime · 13/11/2020 12:06

Teenagers are selfish. They lack emotional maturity and see things in black & white. They also need help and guidance to grow out of it and slamming down "the law" is unlikely to work well

Then surely it's our job as parents to not give in to them being selfish and immature? I understand perfectly well how selfish teenagers can be. I wouldn't call it 'putting them first' to allow them to continue to be and have my life dictated by said selfishness when I didn't agree with it.

The length of the OPs relationship is a red herring imo. The father is allowed a support bubble. If the son wasn't seeing his girlfriend at all I could understand. But he is, 5 days a week.

puffinkoala · 13/11/2020 12:07

@SproutTime

I'm not sure in what way this is 'putting his son first'. His son does see his girlfriend, 5 days a week? Confused he can also meet his girlfriend outdoors on a Saturday if he wants.

This is not about kids coming first imo.

This.
thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 13/11/2020 12:15

He says that now. Wouldn't be surprised to find him back tracking when he wants sex. It's only been 6 months, you're not his priority, sorry.

TheLastStarfighter · 13/11/2020 12:15

I don't get this at all. It seems to be all down to the risk-aversion of the ex. There is nothing in rules or guidance to stop you from continuing as you were.

People in established relationships don't have to distance from each other, so that covers OP and partner, but also the boy and his girlfriend. They can all carry on.

And children with a shared custody agreement can continue to move between households, so that covers the son and his mum.

There is no "bubble" here, so that bit is misleading. This is really just the ex saying that she's not happy with the arrangement.