Teen bedrooms -AIBU?

[tactum]

I have 2 late teenagers, boy & girl. Both seem to have similar levels of slovenliness. Now I'll admit I'm a bit of a neat freak (although not a clean freak), and there's many a time I'll just shut the door and sigh, but what is reasonable to expect?

• I ALWAYS have to ask them to bring cups and bowls down from thier bedroom - never proactively done
• clean piles of clothes don't get put away for weeks and then invariable end up being mixed up with dirty clothes and going through the wash
• endless make up/art marks on carpets
• wrappers etc shoved down the sides of beds

I could go on. Now I don't expect them to keep their room to my standards, much as I would love it! But I do think there is a point where it's about respecting the house you live in - and they both have beautiful large bedrooms with lovely things in, and lots of room for storage etc - and adhering to basic family levels of living.

AIBU to expect this? If not, what are your household's basic rules? And what do you let them get away with? Do you make them tidy it every weekend? Tell me, tell me! At the moment we just seem to wait until I get so cross, they sulk and the minimum gets done.

Plates and glasses need to go downstairs daily. Plus bin emptied. Washing put in the laundry basket or it doesn’t get washed.
Other than that I shut the door.

Haven’t got a teenager yet but I wouldn’t be having that. Sounds like a midden.

No eating in your room and do your own washing? Would that work?

I think you have to have a teenager to appreciate these situations.
Picking your battles and all that.

What are the consequences for not doing the things expected of them?

sounds very familiar

plates/bowls/glasses - restrict them, if they run out they'll eventually have to bring their existing ones down. i wouldn't get too hung up on daily, letting an evening sandwich plate sit overnight is unlike to do any harm unless you have an existing pest problem, but don't let it build up. if you think they'd adhere to it consider assigning things, ie ds has red mugs dd has blue ones (better if you let them pick styles they like so they want to use their stuff) but don't bother if it's likely to descend into taking each others' stuff and bickering over it

laundry, putting away laundry can definitely feel like a waste of time - could use baskets to keep clean laundry separate rather than just leaving it in a pile where it's likely to get mixed up with stuff that's not clean. if they're clearly putting a lot clean things back through the wash then stop doing their washing/restrict how many washes they're allowed to put on.

carpets are a battle i wouldn't fight. it's unfortunate if you put in expensive carpets but chalk that one up to experience. if their art is spilling over onto the carpet consider it letting them decorate their own space.

wrapper shoved down the sides of the bed is just lazy - make sure they have a bin in their room (within reaching or throwing distance so they have no excuse about not getting out of bed) and this is a thing you may have to keep reminding them about until it becomes habit (i've found explaining '🎵rubbish goes in the bin🎵' like teaching a toddler can embarrass a bit of compliance, but that depends on your kids).

basically, at least for stuff like laundry and plates make it so they have to get organised or face the natural consequences of their action (not you inflicting discipline or rules they can argue about, just if they don't clean they don't have clean things)

When my two DS were teenagers, I used to have a cleaner. I said to both of them that the cleaner would not do anything in their rooms unless they were tidy. One son did keep his room tidy, the other didn't. The one who didn't, without fail, would get sick of living in his tip of a room and every three weeks he'd disappear up there with bin bags and re-emerge with rubbish, plates, cups, bed linen and dirty clothes. He'd then wash his own stuff and make up his bed again. He'd then keep it beautifully neat for about two days and then the cycle began again. It was actually quite hilarious! They've both left home now!

I've kept it up from around age 9 but DS empties room of any washing and rubbish each morning. Including cup, glasses etc if he has had any night before.

Keeps his room tidy, puts washing away and hoovers and dusts it once a week.

I've always said if he doesn't keep it tidy he doesn't get to have snacks and drinks up there

Plates and stuff need to go downstairs. Nothing that can cause damp or mould or smells to stay in the room, so takeaway boxes, wet clothes , food wrappers, bins emptied regularly.
If clothes aren't in the washing basket they dont get washed. Otherwise it's their business. They'll realise when they have people round.

Haven’t got a teenager yet but I wouldn’t be having that. Sounds like a midden

Haha good luck when you do.

Mine do their own washing.

No food or drink is allowed upstairs here. Occasionally I'll let them eat upstairs if they have friends over but it's on the strict understanding that plates etc come down as soon as they've eaten. DS (15) makes his bed every morning, always puts his clothes away as soon as they've been ironed, puts dirty clothes in to wash, vacuums his room every weekend. DD (14)....well she's a completely different kettle of fish 😂 DH has started taking her phone away until it's tidy/beds made/clothes put away which was working for a while but now she just half makes her bed and her clothes are all shoved in drawers instead of hung up. She does have to iron anything that I've already ironed if it needs doing though

I don’t care about the odd dirty plate, they have nice friends and don’t take drugs, so we’re happy 😀

Haha good luck when you do.

Sometimes I think some people so ineffectual that they assume everyone else is like them. I’m not.

Don't clean up after them, if they don't wash their plates then they won't have any left. Likewise don't wash their clothes, they can do their own.

I am very much my house my rules! I have always expected my teens to push boundaries and try to create as much mess as humanly possible, and me to constantly fight about it, and my eldest haven't disappoint so far

I would nag to make them tidy up

but dirt and marks on carpet etc are unacceptable.

I tell mine that it's not my job to sort through their bedroom - and they don't want me to put my nose in there. So either they maintain a certain standard, or their allowance is used to pay for the cleaner to do it.

The lessons they are learning now will be useful when they move in their own place. Most messy teens and students tend to be very house proud later on!

Mine only get in trouble for dirt, and if mess spreads around the entire house.

if they don't wash their plates then they won't have any left.

No one will have any left!

Sounds normal. I help mine out putting their clothes away and taking plates downstairs sometimes as I don't want them to live in a complete midden. Sometimes they remember to bring plates and glasses down, and sometimes they even do their own laundry! It's a gradual process. I was untidy until I was about 21/22 and doing my finals, and realised I didn't work very well if my room was a mess.

Three teenagers here. Two are tidier than the other but they will put laundry in the basket and bring down cups when asked!!

I think you have to have a teenager to appreciate these situations.
Picking your battles and all that.

This.
All mine had a couple of years or more with rooms like that. 2 (so far) have come out the other side. One, in particular now likes his room pristine.

I never wash clothes unless they need washing though - I'd hold a garment up, and look at it, if it looked clean I'd smell it, and then put it back on their pile to put away if it didn't need a wash. (Would like to hope that it is presumed by this statement I'm talking about jeans and hoodies, not pants and socks etc which just go in, I'm not sniffing all washing, just differentiating ).

Close the door and repeat under your breath "It's just a phase" like not sleeping through the night or like having tantrums when they were little.

Pick your battles folks.

No food or drink allowed upstairs.

Pocket money is transferred after a weekly room inspection.

Any ruined items (dd and her make-up) are replaced at their own expense.

If all else fails I go in with a big black bin bag, scoop everything up and it goes by the back door. Anything not sorted within a reasonable period of time goes in the bin.

I agree with 'pick your battles'. I try, as much as possible, to limit eating and drinking in my teenager's bedroom and generally mugs/glasses are returned to the kitchen but the room is a mess, I just shut the door and ignore it.

Yeah mine at least bring their laundry down when asked. DD (15) tidies up her room every now and then without being asked. DD (11) tidied her room and did her own laundry last weekend and syays she enjoys it (I helped quite a lot with folding and so on). They will get there in the end.

I just left them to it , if they wanted to live in a mess that's up to them . My dd would/does ( she's at uni now) have a big tidy up once a week then gradually let the room get a mess again then tidy it again. My sons bedroom is in the loft I never go up there.

@Sparklingbrook

I think you have to have a teenager to appreciate these situations. Picking your battles and all that.

This. I don't like them eating in their room but when they have exams they often take snacks up to their room as they revise. I'd rather they revised and had snacks in their room than didn't revise so I let them crack on with it. Plates etc have to come downstairs daily, if they have accumulated a collection in there when I am about to do the online shopping order (which is when they are at school/college) then I don't order the foods that they tend to take to their room.