Teen bedrooms -AIBU?

[tactum]

I have 2 late teenagers, boy & girl. Both seem to have similar levels of slovenliness. Now I'll admit I'm a bit of a neat freak (although not a clean freak), and there's many a time I'll just shut the door and sigh, but what is reasonable to expect?

• I ALWAYS have to ask them to bring cups and bowls down from thier bedroom - never proactively done
• clean piles of clothes don't get put away for weeks and then invariable end up being mixed up with dirty clothes and going through the wash
• endless make up/art marks on carpets
• wrappers etc shoved down the sides of beds

I could go on. Now I don't expect them to keep their room to my standards, much as I would love it! But I do think there is a point where it's about respecting the house you live in - and they both have beautiful large bedrooms with lovely things in, and lots of room for storage etc - and adhering to basic family levels of living.

AIBU to expect this? If not, what are your household's basic rules? And what do you let them get away with? Do you make them tidy it every weekend? Tell me, tell me! At the moment we just seem to wait until I get so cross, they sulk and the minimum gets done.

@flaviaritt

Haha good luck when you do.

Sometimes I think some people so ineffectual that they assume everyone else is like them. I’m not.

You can report back when the time comes. 😂

You can report back when the time comes. 😂

I’m sure there’ll be plenty of issues to report! But I wouldn’t have food and dirty plates in bedrooms without addressing it, and I am quite happy to report that right now.

No eating upstairs, and water bottles only drinks ( as they need them for school they always come back down) each child has their own washing basket, and a set day to bring it down for washing, if they don't it doesn't get done. Bins provided for general mess, and every weekend they get told to have a tidy up. Rooms are not spotless, but tidy enough to see the floor and I am happy

I bought mine laundry baskets once they finished GCSEs they do their own washing and soon learnt it didn't happen by magic. I did not allow food in bedrooms (we had a second living room they could entertain/avoid parents in admittedly). Both left home now, both tidier than me!!!

I have an older teen....
Everyday bring all pots,washing and rubbish down.
Turn duvet back and straighten sheet and pillow.
Open blind and window.
Get in the shower.

Once a week strip bed,hoover mattress and leave room to air with window open for a couple of hours.
Make bed ,hoover and polish.

He doesnt like doing any of this but my house ,my rules.

I tried to make it a 5 minute daily routine - either when they got home from school, or just before dinner. Bring down washing up, dirty clothes on the basket, clean clothes away. It stuck better with some than others!

Mine are 16 and 18. 16yo DD keeps her room pretty tidy and takes pride in decorating it (she has painted a mural and has all sorts of displays of photos and tickets and stuff. DS is the total opposite, his room is a shit show and he doesn’t have posters or displays.

They both do their own washing. Both guilty of leaving plates, glasses and wrappers despite our ‘no food upstairs’ policy. I don’t really stress about it. We have a crockery amnesty every couple of weeks.

My DSS is the same, and I just don't understand it - but that's just because I was the complete opposite as a teenager.

We no longer allow him to eat upstairs because he doesn't bring the plates down, but even so he somehow ends up with plenty up there - I don't actually know when he's getting it, but I have a suspicion he comes downstairs for food at night after we're in bed.

It's the washing that does my head in the most.

I have tried asking him to do his own washing. I do all of our washing once a week on a Saturday, and get everything washed and dried. When he has been asked to do his washing, you can guarantee he'll have put it in the wash and then done nothing about it. So it will have sat there for days, and obviously there's a smell to it then. So I have to put it through the wash again and then dry it, and THEN do our washing. He's at his mum's at the weekends so it's either that or don't do our washing. Asking him to do his own actually makes it harder for me.

He's the same in that he's too lazy to put clothes away, so he'll just dump them somewhere, and then the clean ones will end up back in the wash. You can tell if a t shirt has been worn by a sweaty teen or not.

It's towels that do my fucking head in the most, though. To be fair, he does shower quite a lot for a teenage boy, so that's good. BUT, he will take a new towel every single time, but they just build up on his floor and he doesn't put them in the wash. So then I end up having to go round his shithole of a room to find the towels to wash them, or else we don't have any to use. I've told him he's not allowed to take a new towel unless the other one is in the wash - he says okay, but it's ignored. I've then bought some grey towels (our others are all black) and said that those three are the only ones he's allowed to use, and if he runs out because he's not done his washing then that's tough - again, he says okay but just takes ours when it comes to it. I've even tried storing them in our room instead of in the bathroom, but again - he will just go and help himself.

I know if you're parents of teens you'll probably think I'm being dramatic but I think it's just because I've been thrown in at teenage level without having the slow build up and progression from a child (and without having the unconditional love a parent would have) and the messiness, selfishness, laziness and thoughtlessness actually makes me want to move out sometimes.

DP has been working absolutely ridiculous hours since the start of covid so it's me here when these things have to be dealt with, DP does his absolute best but there's nothing we can do about the fact that it's me here all day and not him - and then DSS goes to his mum's before DP comes home on a Friday so no chance for a chat even then.

I can't take it anymore.

After far too many rows with mine as teens I decided that their rooms wasn't my problem and generally left them to it.
I can still remember the stress leaving my body, and it must be 10 years ago now.
If the washing isn't in the basket, don't wash it.
The carpet will need replacing when they move out anyway if it already has stains, so why worry about a few more?
The one thing I did was collect cups/glasses most days, was less frustrating than running out.
If their stuff spilled out onto the landing I put it back in their rooms.
They shared a bathroom, I cleaned it when I cleaned ours and I'd only vacuum the bits of the floor that were clear.
As they got older they both got much better and tidier/more organised.
You have enough stress with teenagers, I say pick your battles and try to relax and leave them to it - closed the door.

@flaviaritt

You can report back when the time comes. 😂

I’m sure there’ll be plenty of issues to report! But I wouldn’t have food and dirty plates in bedrooms without addressing it, and I am quite happy to report that right now.

You could tell them before they become teenagers? Just so they know. 😃

DS1 is away at the moment and I kind of miss him and his mess.
His Uni rooms were always very tidy which was impressive and unexpected!
My room as a teenager was very messy but I have turned into a very tidy adult too.

Plates and glasses need to go downstairs daily. Plus bin emptied.

They do their own washing.
Other than that I shut the door.

I have 4 who are between 17 - 22

pick your battles the one about the state of their room is not worth it.

I won't allow a build up of plates, cups etc, so I'm firm on that. Same goes for dirty washing it must be brought down regularly to keep on top of it. We have arguments almost daily with the 12yo whose room is very messy. He seems to be able to look through the mess, so I have to give him a list of instructions.

I need to learn to chill out about it a bit. I cant face 6+ years of this!

@flaviaritt you know before people have a baby and they think they know all there is to know...

I put a washing basket in their rooms. Clothes in there I would wash. Clothes on floor were left there. They did their own ironing from maybe 15. Or wore crumpled clothing.
No food in bedrooms, but a plate and glass amnesty at the weekend to collect it back in.
Would change beds and tidy when asked.
DSS kept his room ok. DSD was a bit grim.
We never argued about it, but I often closed the door
She got nail varnish on her bedding, which I did refuse to replace. It got washed but the nail varnish was a permanent mark. I chucked it out once she went to Uni. Since being in her own place she's much improved but will never be a Mrs Hinch type

No food upstairs, although they occasionally sneak stuff up but have to return their plates. I never pick stuff up off their floors and I don't put their washing away.

I don't go into my DDs room really, its up to her how she 'lives'. If she has friends around then she does it. DS is tidier than DD but has less stuff.

We have an eufy so they just clear their floors and let him go when they want it hoovered.

DS 21's room is terrible....have now adopted close the door policy. It's his choice and as PP said the state of their rooms isn't worth the battle, certainly at 21. It doesn't bother him.

Doesn't even use his bin. Room looks like a burglar has been through it cos the drawers of the chest of drawers are always left open.
A Costa cup has been in there for almost 2 weeks now.
There is a small pathway from door to bed that doesn't have clothes on it.
His wardrobe is empty cos everything is on the floordrobe.
He pays rent but has to iron his work shirts.
He will bring down the glasses/plates/bowls when asked.
My other DC 19 & 18 are the opposite!

Are you doing their laundry for them? If so, stop and let them do their own.

Insist they bring down used cups/plates, etc. If you’re still supporting them financially, then hold back pocket money/phone bills/buying snack food they like until they keep their bedrooms tidy.

You’ve tried asking nicely, now it’s time for more drastic action.

I have a 17 year old dd.

I don’t go in her bedroom except to hoover once a week. She’s not allowed to have hot food upstairs, so no eating pizza or dinner in her room. Snacks etc fine but no glasses or plates to be left upstairs. If I find any when I go in to Hoover I’m not happy! She changes her bed once a week and once a while I will ask her to dust/ have a de clutter.

She doesn’t have a bin in her room - or a washing basket. I find it just causes just to be left longer. So all rubbish comes downstairs and all washing gets put into the family wash basket in the corner of the kitchen. If it’s not there I don’t wash it.

Mine are past their teens now but the hard work of training them was done before the teen years. I have boys so I feel it is important that they learn from a young age that everyone in the house does their share. Picking up after them is not women’s work.
If they want clean clothes than the dirty has to be put in the laundry basket and every second day it has to be emptied into the utility room washin basket.
If you want a dry towel for after your shower you have to hang it on the heated towel dryer after you have used it. Same with a clean bathroom. You leave it in the condition you found it so you wipe the sink after use and give the shower a spray of vialkal.
If you want food and drink in your room then plates must be returned to the kitchen after use.
If you want a clean bed to sleep in then you must change the bedding and If you want friends in Your room then you need to keep it clean( this one got easier to enforce once they had girlfriends)
Bins and recycling must be emptied into the relevant bins on the day before collection is due or I won’t be buying anymore as I don’t have room to store new if I also have bags of recycling that takes up space.

It started from tidying their toys as young children and as they got older more tasks were added and by 12 they were pretty much trained. No way was a bring up young men who thought it was women’s work to keep a house clean and pick up after them.

Mine don’t have their xboxes in their bedrooms so they don’t tend to eat up there. I send them up with the hoover and cleaning stuff on a Sunday and they have to strip their beds other than that I don’t get to bothered about it.

mine are expected to bring down their plates and cups.
I don't get the 'no food allowed in their room' thing.
We eat meals at the kicthen table, but they often take a mug up, or a late night snack when revising etc, seems a bit rigid not to allow that.

They must empty bins when full.

I only wash things in the laundry basket in the bathroom. Last week, all week, dd2 was complaining about lack of school socks.
I shrugged. They are either dirty under a heap in her room, or clean on a pile of clean clothes that she hasn't put away.
On a Friday night I remind them to put school uniform in the wash, if they forget, their problem, not mine. (we've done this since they were small, they used to have to get their clean stuff/pe kit out for the next day too, so they coudl discover if they were missing anything.)

But I have 3, and 1 became tidy aged about 14 when he decided he liked having a clean space.
1 has gradually got better over the years, at 15 she is reasonably tidy, at least her stuff has spaces eg The Clean Clothes Pile.

but no 3 lives in a midden. Every couple of weeks, I insist that she picks up what is on her floor, partly to sort herself out (last Saturday that is where she found her missing school socks, in a pile of clean stuff) and partly because if I didn't she would just pile it higher like a hoarder. But her version of 'finished picking up' is not mine! It jsut means the worst has been dealt with

From being babies my children, now all adults with their own children. The rule was. “No food, no drink, no shoes allowed upstairs”

Your house, your rules, implement this immediately.

If laundry isn’t in the proper place, it doesn’t get done.

You need to make sure your children know the house rules, and you all stick to them. Parenting is fucking hard work, but the trick is to start early, you can’t suddenly expect a teenager to start doing things a different way to how they’ve always lived.

Yanbu at all! Those are the very basics I’d expect.

I’ve got a 12 yo, so a bit younger, but I’d expect those things as the base line. She does leave cups, plates and wrappers about and has to be pulled up on it. Also don’t get me started on leaving the lights on! She’s generally very well behaved but I think these sort of things don’t come naturally until you nag them into the habit of it! Then it’s a good habit for life - I didn’t have these good habits when I went to uni and was surprised when people didn’t enjoy sharing with me!

I expect her to put her own clothes away, which I think is standard. At the age of your two, they should probably be doing their own washing, unless you prefer to do everyone’s together.

My other problem is my dd can hold herself to the standards of my 6yo if not reminded that there’s a huge gap and she has privileges that he doesn’t!

Pick your battles.

I do a closed door policy and they do their own laundry. Plates/glasses to be brought down daily. Other than that, what the eye doesn’t see , the heart doesn’t grieve over.

No drugs, drinking, sex, truancy, fights, money trouble, but the rooms are a tip? You’re winning.