Teen bedrooms -AIBU?

[tactum]

I have 2 late teenagers, boy & girl. Both seem to have similar levels of slovenliness. Now I'll admit I'm a bit of a neat freak (although not a clean freak), and there's many a time I'll just shut the door and sigh, but what is reasonable to expect?

• I ALWAYS have to ask them to bring cups and bowls down from thier bedroom - never proactively done
• clean piles of clothes don't get put away for weeks and then invariable end up being mixed up with dirty clothes and going through the wash
• endless make up/art marks on carpets
• wrappers etc shoved down the sides of beds

I could go on. Now I don't expect them to keep their room to my standards, much as I would love it! But I do think there is a point where it's about respecting the house you live in - and they both have beautiful large bedrooms with lovely things in, and lots of room for storage etc - and adhering to basic family levels of living.

AIBU to expect this? If not, what are your household's basic rules? And what do you let them get away with? Do you make them tidy it every weekend? Tell me, tell me! At the moment we just seem to wait until I get so cross, they sulk and the minimum gets done.

We have one of them too and I don't understand.

My partners daughter is 23, her room is just disgusting. Plates and cutlery disappear into her room. If we ask for cutlery she buys new rather than look in her room.
Her dad has to ask her to bring towels down and put in the wash when we run out of them. I keep my own in my bedroom and don't use family ones. She does her own washing but it's usually about 8 loads in one day every 8 weeks after she can't find anything clean to wear.

Then it all goes back on her floor till next time.
Her dad has always been in the habit of doing it for her when it got too bad but now he has stopped doing that it's just awful.

I do have to have little victories and last Sunday I noticed we only had 4 dinner plates left so cooked a roast for the 5 of us and dished her up a side plate of dinner.

Mine have/ had awful rooms but I left them to it. We don't have eating upstairs but I ask re mugs if I notice we are running low in the kitchen. I do the washing if it is in the dirty clothes basket . We have a cleaner but she only goes in if most things are off the floor. They change their own beds every 1-2 weeks. It's not worth a fight .

@KiposWonderbeasts

Pick your battles.

I do a closed door policy and they do their own laundry. Plates/glasses to be brought down daily. Other than that, what the eye doesn’t see , the heart doesn’t grieve over.

No drugs, drinking, sex, truancy, fights, money trouble, but the rooms are a tip? You’re winning.

Spot on. If the room being a tip is the only problem then you really are winning. DS2 (18) has a FT job, pays towards household bills, and we have a great relationship with him. So his room's a bit of a mess but in the big scheme of things...

If plates and cups are not brought down daily, they are banned from eating in their bedroom.

@KiposWonderbeasts

Pick your battles.

I do a closed door policy and they do their own laundry. Plates/glasses to be brought down daily. Other than that, what the eye doesn’t see , the heart doesn’t grieve over.

No drugs, drinking, sex, truancy, fights, money trouble, but the rooms are a tip? You’re winning.

Totally agree with this. I have two DS. The 17 year old keeps an immaculate bedroom because he just likes things to be tidy. The 18 year old's is chaos but he keeps the door shut so we don't have to look at it. They both do their own washing/change their own sheets etc.

As long as it's not really unhygienic as well as being untidy, I don't get worked up over it. It's their space in the house.

16yo DS here, he only really uses his room to sleep and do weight training in so we don’t have the “food upstairs” issue unless he has mates over (in which case everything has to come down as soon as mates have left otherwise no more mates over, although of course none of this currently applies In lockdown!).

Don’t mind his room being a bit messy but rule for all 3 kids is that 80% of the carpet (ie carpet not covered by furniture) has to be visible.

He has a computer and desk in the family room downstairs and he does eat and drink in there but he brings all cutlery, crockery and rubbish out once finished. (Probably helps that he has limited room on the desk so can’t use the pc if there’s too much crap hanging around!). He does need to be reminded that food wrappers etc should be put in the bin not just left on top of it and I need to get out of the habit of just doing the washing up rather than reminding him to do his own.

He also makes his bed daily, strips it once a week (though has to be reminded to do this), puts dirty laundry in the linen basket (most of the time), cleans shower screen daily after use and returns towel to bathroom after use (but doesn’t hang it up).

I am definitely guilty of still doing a bit too much for him (ie hanging up damp towel, putting clean linen on bed, putting away clean laundry etc) but we are working on it. I am naturally super tidy so it can be all too easy to just get on and do stuff.

Definitely agree with pick your battles though. And acknowledge that some teens are just harder work than others. DS1 has by and large been easy. DS2 is, I predict, going to be a complete nightmare!!

I taught my children how to keep on top of their rooms from an early age.

Now they are teenagers, they do it themselves without much prompting. May not be exactly to my standards, but good enough.

No food or drink (apart from a sports bottle of water) are allowed in their rooms.

I remind in the morning when I'm doing laundry that they should have anything they want washed in the basket.

They strip and change beds when they want new bedding. DS sometimes needs reminding, but DD does it pretty much weekly.

They put their own clothes away. We wash/dry/fold for them, so it only seems fair! I'd be really cross if they threw clean clothes on the floor as that's really disrespectful.

I hoover their rooms/empty bins/basic clean of surfaces once a week, and warn them the day before. If there is stuff on the floor or the surfaces then I won't do it and they have to do it themselves (and I enforce that) so its in their interest to make sure surfaces are clear.

They often don't make their beds, or leave piles of school books on the floor/bed, but it all gets sorted in a day or so, and in general their rooms are tidy. Because the rooms are cleaned weekly, nothing gets damaged or dirty to the point of being unhygenic.

I've taught them this since they were little. We probably had a bit of whinging and push back at around 9-11 age, but by the time they'd reached their teens they'd got a good grasp of how to manage their own spaces and stay organised and clean and tidy. Don't really have a problem with it at all now - they self manage with the odd reminder.

I should probably get them to do their own cleaning/laundry now their older - but our system works, and they are deep in exam years (and are good kids who work hard generally) so I'm happy to keep doing it for now!

I have a 14 year old who doesn't do those things. Might have chocolate wrappers but in his backpack and he will put them in the bin before he next uses it. I don't think it's too much to expect.

Mine are 11&12, so I’m not quite there yet. I’ve come on to ask if they were allowed plates/glasses up there when younger? All of us only have a glass/bottle of water upstairs so I’m hoping that will continue and I won’t have the battle re the plates.
Currently mine let a bit of clutter develop, but will spend some time clearing it away if I want to clean their (laminate) floor or dust surfaces, probably every couple of weeks.

I think early teen years were easier and they were probably tidier then. I was in and out of their rooms more back then too. Also they would entertain friends up there.

As the mum of a 15yr old boy i completely get this. I expect plates and glasses every day after tea so they can be cleaned (i do have to remind him) and if he doesnt bring anything down i give him 5 mins before i quit the kitchen and he has to clean and put his own away. Occasionally if i am passing i will pick up a couple of glasses. Washing every 2 days so i can keep on top of the 15 towels he has used in 2 days :( .

Sometimes I think some people so ineffectual that they assume everyone else is like them. I’m not

Sometimes I think some people are so arrogant they assume they're better than everyone else.

OP I have 4 teens and a 12 year old and two of the teens have their rooms exactly as you have described/ I despair and have given up but it still really annoys me and every so often i erupt about it, they tidy it a bit but then it all goes to shit again and the cycle starts again.

I have a teen Ds. He was brought up to respect where he lived, and that mess, dirty plates cups etc is not acceptable to leave lying around.

He is now 18, and tidied up as he goes, as soon as plates are finished they are left to the sink. Clothes are hung when taken off and fresh clothes put away. He does not go to bed at night untul everything is as it should be for the next day.

I am a cleaner. I do not understand how some parents allow their teens to live in such a tip. House yesterday, 2 older teen girls. I opened their room doors to clean. Insight them both again. Litter on floor, used unwrapped sanitary towels, clothes and make up everywhere, stuff pulled out of wardrobes, basically no thought for where they live.

In my opinion, you teach your children when they are young to pick up their own stuff and look after what they have been given.

My DS is in his 20’s and still like this.

Mine do all the above. I dont like them eating in rooms but they often buy stuff when out and stuff wrappers down bed.

I have a closed door policy with the following rules.
I can get in to clean once a month
If he is asked to bring it down/put it out he does
If it goes moldy he washes it himself
If his washing isn't out or he wants it doing when it is not convenient to me he does his own
Communal spaces are kept tidy and treated with respect
he helps to cook

The teen's room is a disaster, but he regularly puts out his bedding ad remakes it himself, his bin gets emptied periodically and there is an agreement that a raid for laundry or crockery can happen without him shouting about his privacy. He also picks up the slack and if I haven't done the thing in the time frame he wants - he does it (eg finish cleaning bathroom / put stuff in dryer cos i am busy etc)

I can't really say anything really because the house is a complete disaster of a building site and a messy bedroom the least of the issues. I would always rather have a kid who is messy but can step up in a crisis to help without being asked than an always tidy room. It is one thing to know how to and another to do.

@flaviaritt

Haha good luck when you do.

Sometimes I think some people so ineffectual that they assume everyone else is like them. I’m not.

This made me laugh, i think the exact same thing almost every thread on this site!

Both of mine have complete responsibility for theirs - hoovering, dusting, changing sheets, emptying laundry basket. Pocket money is paid at weekend but only if room is properly clean - no debate. Apart from that, I shut the door and don't engage.

My issue is plates, mugs etc. I have a rule of no food but they completely ignore it! I am trying to pick my battles at the moment so I am making an effort not to get too annoyed about it.

DS is 23 now and still no better when he's at home. DH will usually shout up the stairs when the dishwasher is about to be switched on so DS can bring crockery down. He has a bin in his room within reach of his bed but still the carpet is littered with wrappers. Clothes don't get washed unless they're in the laundry basket - runs out of clean clothes it's not my problem. He has a habit of taking a full cafetiere of coffee up to his room but he will get disturbed by DH knocking on his door at 6.30am to retrieve it if he forgets to return it to the kitchen. Thankfully I don't have to walk past his room to get anywhere so it's his tip to live in.

Never allowed any drink in my bedroom, at all no food nothing. No posters.

My dds bedroom was like Ikea, anything you needed was in her room.

Now she is older, she does her own room, washing and putting away.

Ok so a wide range of responses - glad to know we're largely within the 'normal range'.
I'm not working at the moment and largely at home due to current restrictions, so I don't really want to force them to do their own laundry or room cleaning - just tidying. Obviously they know how to clean and put a load on!
But in the current circumstances when they're studying in Y12 & 13 with multiple mock exams in this current climate, and they both have jobs, I'm happy to take all that off them so it's one less thing in this weird world for them to worry about.

What I think I will do:
Instigate a daily 'crockery, dirty washing, clean washing away' 5 mins STRAIGHT after school - which is all it would be! That's the time they most want to flop so if they want to get ahead and do it in the morning so much the better.
Tell them their rooms will be cleaned every Friday if they are in a reasonable state. Otherwise I won't touch them. (or maybe if it misses a week or two they then have to clean them at the weekend)
Set a day every week for bedding wash and obv they strip and re-make.

I don't want to ban food and drink from upstairs as a. they're both revising and take snacks and hot drinks upstairs with them b. I don't want to forego my cups of tea in bed either thank you! Although the difference is mine go downstairs as soon as I get up!

I don't like making things too complicated or sanction driven and wouldn't know where to draw the line about what does/doesn't constitute acceptable as we'd just get into arguments. So I think non-negotiables every day for 5 mins plus the offer of a free clean might be a good half way house.

Thanks all - mostly v reasonable (although flaviaritt will actually come back and post when hers are teenagers?!)

Interestingly though when DD had a boyfriend she used to clean and tidy a lot!

Plates etc need to be brought down daily.

If I give them clean clothes to put away, I generally say "if they appear on the floor or back in the washing basket, there'll be trouble!!"...which is enough to make them put them straight away

I don't care what state their floors are in, if they want to live like slobs that's their problem. They know that I won't pick up laundry, so if it's not in the basket it isn't getting washed.
I was going to say mine aren't too bad...but they consistently wee over the back of the toilet, flood the bathroom when showering, leave the lid off the toothpaste etc etc....so......

Holothane no posters??!! Wow [shocked]