So fed up with my life

[onandon8]

I live in London and am just so fed up with the people, the busyness, the noise, the pollution and the cost of everything, particularly housing. It’s really getting me down.

I want to sell up and buy a cottage by the sea in Devon or Cornwall, but DH will only consider counties close to London as there are always employment opportunities here.

I know what he’s saying but I don’t want to carry on with the rat race for the rest of our lives, living in an average area with a massive mortgage to pay each month.

I also read threads on here saying London schools are the best, and wonder in which part of London these posters live? Primaries near us are good/outstanding but the secondaries are dire - I can’t consign my DC to a life of that.

I would love to send them private but we don’t have anywhere near that kind of money. All the local private schools offer bursaries, but surely they must be inundated with applicants - does anyone know how easy it is to get one?

AIBU to want to leave London behind and have a different, simpler life in a small seaside town, with a mortgage of about £400-£500 per month?

I do recommend Exeter. Not useful I know (I’d love to move back to Exeter)

Thinking further about Cornwall, OP. Do you know it well? Do you have an idea of which town you might want to live in? There aren't that many 'towns' in Cornwall, and Truro is not right by the sea. Anything with a TR2 postcode that's close to the sea is very, very expensive.

I lived in Cornwall for years, and came to love it (after intitially hating it). When it came to having children, though, I moved out of the SW because the disadvantages outweighed the advantages.

Advantages were: lovely places, fresh air, seaside, community.

Disadvantages were: lack of opportunities for work (farming, building and handyman-ing were the only real options). Being reliant on driving absolutely everywhere. The lanes are lovely, but you don't want to walk around them because they are hellishly dangerous. Public transport is virtually non-existent (there was one bus a day where I lived). Schools are problematic. It's very difficult for family and friends to visit. As a PP mentioned, the railway beyond Dawlish often suffers storm damage.

If I were you, and if I were dead set on Cornwall, I'd try renting first, and see how it works with your husband's job.

@VanGoghsDog sure, of course, I'm just proving the point that "they offer very little for teenagers" is not true.

Off the top of my head, the seaside town that I live in has sea-based watersports, beaches, a swimming pool (with various clubs), sports centre with various team sports, yoga studios, a cinema, bowling alley, drama and music clubs, teen focused music events/gigs, a high street with shops/coffee shops etc. Surely most teenagers would find something of interest in all that.

Move up North!

Lots of good advice on here. You probably need to have a long term plan including having a second income and moving to what you want in stages. And it all involves some compromises along the way. I think you’re trying to get from A to Z in one move. If it was that easy everyone would do it. I’m really not criticising you in any way. I never had a life plan and I realise now I was lucky how things worked out but it might not have gone that way. I probably have what you want. We moved to the sea via Home Counties. BUT my husband did end up commuting a lot even though we were relocated to a seaside town. Things change. He wouldn’t have had the income here. Also my grown up children have moved to London for the work opportunities! So basically there’s no easy answer apart from having an ultimate goal but be flexible along the way. Good luck to your family. I’m sure you’ll get there.

Cornwall and Devon have their own problems, employment being one. Also house prices in popular coastal areas are surprisingly expensive so you'll have to get somewhere less Doc Martin. Another thing to consider is there is only one General Hospital in Cornwall. Devon is slightly different because you have Plymouth and Exeter which aren't so reliant on tourism. You also have to consider your kids, where are they going to work - London probably !. I guess if you have secure employment WFH or in the professions then you may have a plan but I'd really think about it. I knew somebody who thought they could run the local shop and petrol station - turned out to be 7am - 7pm, 7 days a week. In the end they sold up, lost a lot of money and had to come back to start all over again.

I am going to be brutally honest, with the risk of offending someone/possibly more than one person.

Both my sister in law and I wanted to move to the country, and only one of us did. I moved when my dc were young to an idyllic spot - think picture postcard village with beautiful rolling countryside and friendly locals. My sister in law stayed in London. So we can and do compare the two:

The upshot of coastal/country relocation:

Advantages:

• Depending on the age of your dc, if they are young enough they will have the most lovely childhood, building dens, climbing trees, nature based fun like riding and freedom, beach days and swimming in the sea - sailing etc. They will stay 'younger' for longer, and there is no hot housing going on here at all. *It is peaceful and safe, nothing bad ever happens here. It will make the village news if a cat goes missing for a day or two. *It is civilised, school behaviour here is very good on the whole, grades are very good. *It is very relaxed, most people are relaxed. There is very little/no stress. *There is very little access here to drugs and zero drugs culture here. Teens tend to be quite wholesome, they hang out at each others houses, have parties in the garden in the summer. It is low key. *They go to London for the odd weekend for shopping etc maybe six times a year, but are not there all of the time.

Disadvantages:

*There is less to do for teens in coastal and country areas, this helps keep them out of trouble because they need lifts everywhere in our case, and they have good solid local friends they see a lot. We don't mind driving them, but it won't be for everyone.
*Independence is harder until they can drive at seventeen, they will be relying on you
*Street wise - my nieces are far more streetwise and very focused on trends etc, they are 'fashionable' where as my dc tend to wear what they want and don't care so much. I think it is cultural
*They found it easy to get work experience and jobs in London.

In making your decision, you have to imagine that whilst the children are younger there are HUGE upsides, but as they get older it may be less obvious. So if your dc are young, I would say go for it now. If they are just about to hit the teens - I would move to the outskirts of London, Westerham, Sevenoaks etc or Ascot and surrounding areas and stay closer to London.

My nieces have done very well and all getting good jobs, are able to stay at home and have lots of work opportunities. I guess your dc can always move to London if they wish once older. My dc are not quite at that age yet, but are very fit, healthy country loving and are not quite so 'edgy' as they don't have to be.

I would move in a heartbeat, it was the best thing we ever did leaving the rat race. I would strongly urge you to rent for six months or longer (if you can do so over the summer and 'try out' your new life before you buy if you can, and see what the reality is like before you commit. Many London families move here, and some of the parents find it just too quiet for them.

It was by far the best decision we ever made. Dh commutes into London daily or used to.

Oxfordshire villages etc are within reach of London for example.

You DO only have one life, but you need to make an income, so if you are looking at Devon etc be sure there are sound jobs there for you before you go.

The other option is with a small budget you may able to rent a second home and spend time there in the holidays and weekends, possibly renting out to others whilst you are not there?

@ihaveyourback where do you live?! It sounds completely idyllic. I grew up in a rural area and it wasn't like that at all. The schools were not great (although in a different way to the not so good London state schools) and there was plenty of drugs and alcohol, purely because there wasn't much else to do.

Cotswolds

I am not suggesting op should move here, just that you can get in and out of London easily.

The other option is with a small budget you may able to rent a second home and spend time there in the holidays and weekends, possibly renting out to others whilst you are not there?

Do you mean buy a second home? If so, OP please don't do this. It's causing such a headache for locals (especially young people trying to get a home in the place they grew up). There are whole areas of this county that are just dead now, in the winter because nobody lives there.

Have you considered Essex? We have the good schools and easy links to London. Have the sea and countryside as well. I have family in Devon, and while it is beautiful in places, not sure I really rate the employment or educational opportunities there.

No op could rent a second home. Air bnb offer long term rentals for instance, as do other agencies. You don't have to buy to have the option. If my dc were small again I would invest in a decent motorhome or camper van, and spend my holidays and weekends in a different seaside spot!

I consider Essex to be the outskirts of London and always have! It does have (beautiful) countryside and sea, and great sailing clubs but that aspect is largely overlooked for some reason.

It sounds like you are having a reaction and wanting to live in a holiday destination all year around.

I can't think of any teenager who likes to spend their days doing coastal walks and looking at scenery.

@Ihaveyourback sorry, my error!

[quote purplefig]@VanGoghsDog sure, of course, I'm just proving the point that "they offer very little for teenagers" is not true.

Off the top of my head, the seaside town that I live in has sea-based watersports, beaches, a swimming pool (with various clubs), sports centre with various team sports, yoga studios, a cinema, bowling alley, drama and music clubs, teen focused music events/gigs, a high street with shops/coffee shops etc. Surely most teenagers would find something of interest in all that.[/quote]
Well, most seaside towns don't have all that, do they?

Neither where my sister lived at the time (large town on Dorset coast) nor where my mum lives now (Suffolk coast) have even half of that. And what they do have has over inflated prices in summer and is shut in winter.

Mum's town does have a summer theatre but it's not focused around young people at all. It's really for tourists.
Sister's town did have a theatre but I think it shut.

PM’d you OP.

There are whole areas of this county that are just dead now, in the winter because nobody lives there.

Yes, this is the point I was making. Busy in summer, shut in winter. Depressing.

@Dishwashersaurous has a great approach.

I agree with other posters that you can't just demand a move and then expect DH to shoulder the financial burden/uncertainty solely. Being able to quantify how you can also contribute might help him visualise a life outside of london.

Design covers a huge spectrum so it's hard to fully understand the size of his job market but longer term he could always look to freelance remotely. That will be increasingly more popular I believe.

@VanGoghsDog I guess it depends on the size of the town (mine is admittedly quite big) and the demographics of who live there. I wasn't being snarky, probably just trying to convince myself that DD won't want to leave when she's a teenager . Time to start the toddler surf lessons

Yes, this is the point I was making. Busy in summer, shut in winter. Depressing.

It depends which town though. My town has a strong residential population. I moved here a few days after the new year and I'll never forget walking through the town being delighted at all the people out and about, out in the sea surfing (nutters) and then going to a spoken word gig that very night after spotting the advert for it.

Some places though, where they have outpriced most people, are mainly second homes and thus dead in the winter. I'd agree that is very depressing.

I would be careful of what you wish for OP. Without wanting to put a downer on things, I've known several families who have shipped out of London in search of a rural family idyll and found themselves cut off, bored and underemployed.

It can work if you're really clear about what you want to achieve and how you're going to support yourselves. And have really thoroughly researched the area.

The countryside really isn't all its cracked up to be. Yes there's fresh air and more space etc. And this is great for small kids and people who don't have to work. But for teenagers its a total nightmare and in spite of the public reputation there's far more drugs and deprivation there than there is in most large cities. Its a complete myth that kids are happier, safer and more engaged in the countryside.

Also for your DH and for you it will definitely limit the pool of opportunities open to you.

And making friends in rural areas tends to be much much harder: these tend to be more closed, conservative communities where it takes far longer to become integrated and trusted. Everyone's known one another from primary school etc.

I think there are some half-way solutions which would probably give you the best balance between quality of life and access to the modern world: off the top of my head I would say Brighton, Thames Valley and parts of Essex and Hertfordshire. Possibly Suffolk. But these aren't going to be much cheaper.

It's ultimately a trade off. And you have to be really really sure that what you're trading for is going to be worth it. It sounds as if you're unhappy now and you're right to want to change that but I'd be careful about assuming that moving to the sticks will be a silver bullet. Approach with caution and really do your homework.

Theres some lovely seaside towns on the kent coast, only a short rail journey from London, house prices are cheaper too.
You can have the best of both worlds