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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be FURIOUS neighbour said DH was in a gang

132 replies

Mamatolilbear · 12/11/2020 08:51

I am Angry Angry Angry

last week DS (8) came home from school asking if 'daddy was in a gang'... obvs I said no (DH is security for a big office) but why did he think that. He said his friend from school, who lives below us in our block. Weird I thought but kids make stuff up right?

last night... I found out that the friend thinks my DH is in a gang because his MUM has been telling him that through lockdown and threatening that if he doesn't behave then 'xxx's dad who is in a gang will come and get him'. My DH. I am FURIOUS. Who the hell does she think she is??? Telling her DS that my DH is the kinda man whod hurt kids!!! DH thinks it's kinda funny but I think she's a CF. AIBU????

Also, if my DS heard it from school, who else now thinks his dad is in a gang? there are some problems with gangs and men who do drugs, small crime... here, but its not that bad on this estate.

OP posts:
Sunisshining12 · 12/11/2020 11:19

I think you need to take a breather, think this through and react rationally.

You need to hear it from the horses mouth first. You can't rely on an 8 year old to relay the facts. You know what kids are like.

It may be that your DH is 'the police' who gets the gangs..or he could be the man who gets the naughty gang members (seens as he's in security?)

BUT, if it turns out that she has been saying that, that's completely out of order and you should ask her to think carefully before saying things like to such impressional young minds.

Do you have her number or friends on facebook?Just message her or knock on and ask.

TheNewLook · 12/11/2020 11:20

Is it possible he could be in a gang but you don’t know about it?

😂 This has really amused me. Anyone else now making themselves laugh imagining their own DH in a secret gang of menacing dads?

TuesdaysWell · 12/11/2020 11:22

Every time I read this thread, I think of the OP's husband as being in Just William's gang, the Outlaws, with Ginger, Henry, Douglas and Jumble the dog, playing pirates or putting on a circus or annoying Violet Elizabeth Bott.

TheNewLook · 12/11/2020 11:22

If not, I would email the school. Right now

How is it any of the school’s business? Christ, I can’t even imagine the look on our head teacher’s face if I emailed her to say someone has accused my DH of being in a gang. 😂

Sunisshining12 · 12/11/2020 11:25

Years ago, one of my siblings told staff that Daddy beats Mummy up, and that Grandad is in prison. They notified social services who then contacted my Mum to see if she was safe (rightly so). BUT my Parents were horrified and so mortified. It was completely untrue and they had no idea where it came from. Just that he loved police and 'bad men' games. So just bear in mind kids say all sorts of things.

Have a conversation with her first. Establish the facts. And then decide on your reaction

LadyOfTheImprovisedBath · 12/11/2020 11:26

I'd talk calmly to the other mother - say her child seems to be under impression your DH is in a gang and obviously he isn't so could she make sure he understood that - all done niciely with a smile.

Then have a word with the teacher - DS has been upset by other children saying his Dads in a gang - may have been started by other parent as a control tecnhque may be an misundertanding but it's upset your DS so could they keep an eye on situation.

I don't think it need more than that.

YoungScrappyHungry · 12/11/2020 11:28

I'm a copper so get this quite a lot, mainly from shit lazy parents who don't know how.to.parent their kids without the threat of law enforcement. Lost count the amount of times I've walked down the street and some parent (usually dads) have dragged their kid away from me, saying 'if you carry on being naughty the police and all their friends will come and get you, look they're here now'. Kids looking fucking shit scared. We want them to come to us in times of need, not think we're some gestapo gang overseeing their every transgression. I've even had someone telling their kid I'm going to 'hit them with their big police sticks' if they didn't go to bed on time tonight. Hmm

Anyway I digress. YANBU OP. She sounds a bit odd.

justicedanceson · 12/11/2020 11:30

It’s kinda an escalation from “Ill call a policeman who will arrest you” type of empty threat! Not the best parenting and probably an act of desperation.

Probably literally reflects nothing on your DH other than he looks like an authority figure of some type because he is a man. At most I would drop a note round and say I realise you probably said it not expecting your child to repeat it, but please could you clarify he is not in a gang.

I can see why you are annoyed but don’t get too het up. I feel a bit sorry for the mum honestly.

Feedingthebirds1 · 12/11/2020 11:30

I can believe she's said it. You may have seen something similar - a child misbehaving in town/the supermarket/whatever, and the mum says 'if you don't stop being naughty that man/lady will come and get you'. 'That man/lady' being whichever innocent passer by happens to be around.

The mum in this case may well be using the same tactic. But as there isn't 'that man' actually in sight, she's using OP's DH as her 'man' and because he isn't there she's adding in the (fictional) gang to give her threat more weight and scare factor.

I hate it when parents use others as a form of discipline, but usually it's only for a minute while the passer by is there and then there's a parting of the ways. She's taking this to a whole new level and needs to be stopped. She finds another way to deal with her child.

Bluetrews25 · 12/11/2020 11:32

So DH has become the convenient, visible bogeyman.
Is she a single parent? No other male authority figure? So she can never say 'wait until your dad gets home!'. Not saying that would excuse it, as it's awful parenting, but it does make it understandable. Presuming he isn't in a gang!
Get revenge. Tell everyone she's a grass / fence / hooker / MLM bot / whatever

Jroseforever · 12/11/2020 11:34

@DickBastardly

Surely when you reread this you can appreciate how silly

A doctor vs a gang member

A father treating you if you hurt yourself vs a father coming to “get you” if you’re naughty

I did actually say it was a much more extreme version.

But both are used as threats:

Stop doing that or this will happen to you by an adult with authority.

it's worlds apart from implying that an adult might actually beat your child up if they misbehave.

“Come and getting” a child does not imply “beating up” a child, stop projecting.

Seriously

Someone coming to treat you is seen as a threat in your eyes?

How peculiar

keeprocking · 12/11/2020 11:41

@Kerberos

Why is this a school thing? Your neighbour is the one who is out of line here but why is it the schools problem to sort for you?
Because schools have nothing better to do than act as judge, jury and executioner in out of school petty disputes. School seems to be the first port of call these days for everything that parents can't be bothered to sort themselves.
Polyxena · 12/11/2020 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

loobyloo1234 · 12/11/2020 11:50

Hmm. YANBU but my parents used to use all kinds of these type of lines. 'Don't misbehave or the nasty men will knock on the door to take you away' - that kind of thing. Extreme that she's used your DH in this manner but I definitely wouldn't involve the school. Its not their problem. Just speak to your neighbour - or her DS and tell them what he does for work just to clear it all up

VulvaPerson · 12/11/2020 11:50

YANBU, thats shocking

I doubt there was malice as such behind it though. Itspossibly more..'behave or that policeman will arrest you'. Bad parenting style though, and of course very hurtful and confusing for your child hearing stuff like that.

When I worked in resturants, a LOT of parents would try to calm hyper children by saying 'if you dont sit still and quiet, that lady will take you out the back and throw you in the bin' and stuff like that. It always pissed me off.

DodgeRainClouds · 12/11/2020 11:53

All the people who are questioning if it’s a school issue seem to have missed the point that her son heard about it at school.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/11/2020 11:57

Oh that's another threat along the style of "If you don't do what you're told, that lady over there is going to be very angry with you and call!he police" (or similar) - pointing at some random shop worker who absolutely wants nothing to do with it.

What an utterly stupid thing for her to have done. To say nothing of the damage it could do to your DH's reputation generally, if it got around!

Ugh.

JeffreyJefferson · 12/11/2020 12:00

I didn’t think that kids that age associate gangs with being bad. Just a group of people? That’s what the kids i’ve known have thought anyway

PeggyPorschen · 12/11/2020 12:03

@DodgeRainClouds

All the people who are questioning if it’s a school issue seem to have missed the point that her son heard about it at school.
so what would you say to the school?

Hi, just wanted to confirm my husband is not a gang member, please update your records accordingly, thank you? Grin

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 12/11/2020 12:15

She is using your DH as 'the bogeyman' and that really is not acceptable.

It's possible that the child has misunderstood something of the situation. Does your DH go out in uniform? And she has said your DH will patrol and catch him, or something and somehow he has interpreted this as being in a gang.

Do you have any contact with her? I would calmly say "There seems to be some mad rumour going around the kids, with your Ds saying that my DH is in a gang and is coming to get him! Any idea as to how this came about? I am not keen on my DH being known as the bogeyman who will beat up kids!"

equuscaballus · 12/11/2020 12:21

@DickBastardly

"coming and getting" can be incredibly scary for a child - its an unknown and is open to interpretation each kids own worst fears.

It could easily mean a threat of violence.

BadLad · 12/11/2020 12:22

@TheNewLook

Is it possible he could be in a gang but you don’t know about it?

😂 This has really amused me. Anyone else now making themselves laugh imagining their own DH in a secret gang of menacing dads?

I'm imagining Homer in the Stonecutters.
To be FURIOUS neighbour said DH was in a gang
MrsGrindah · 12/11/2020 12:22

@CristinaYangsBrain brilliant!

OP but you don’t actually KNOW what the Mum said? I’m not saying her kid is deliberately lying, but as others have said, kids hear , twist all sorts of things.

Fluffybutter · 12/11/2020 12:25

Stuff like this sticks ..
A ‘friend’ of mine in high school came to my house for a lift to a birthday party and then the following Monday told everyone in class that my dad was a racist (she was black if that matters) even though he literally drove us to the party and then home again and only really said hello , how was the party and goodbye .
I was shunned for weeks,lost friends and they then said I was racist too because of my dad . Years 7 and 8 were just brilliant ...
Nip it in the bud , speak to the mum and the school and find out what’s going on .

DickBastardly · 12/11/2020 12:26

This reply has been deleted

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