To be FURIOUS neighbour said DH was in a gang

[Mamatolilbear]

I am

last week DS (8) came home from school asking if 'daddy was in a gang'... obvs I said no (DH is security for a big office) but why did he think that. He said his friend from school, who lives below us in our block. Weird I thought but kids make stuff up right?

last night... I found out that the friend thinks my DH is in a gang because his MUM has been telling him that through lockdown and threatening that if he doesn't behave then 'xxx's dad who is in a gang will come and get him'. My DH. I am FURIOUS. Who the hell does she think she is??? Telling her DS that my DH is the kinda man whod hurt kids!!! DH thinks it's kinda funny but I think she's a CF. AIBU????

Also, if my DS heard it from school, who else now thinks his dad is in a gang? there are some problems with gangs and men who do drugs, small crime... here, but its not that bad on this estate.

Sounds like she’s just said it to make her child behave. I’m with you DH, I think it’s funny too 😂

It's lazy parenting, it happens at my work (in a shop) "If you don't behave, the lady will throw you out."

Its a more extreme version of "Don't do that or the shop assistant will shout at you".

Personally I would find it pretty funny, but if you make a huge deal with your kid, they will think its a huge deal.

I would take the petty route and tell your dc that "Xs mum isn't a very good parent because she needs to lie and use your dad to make X behave" and sit back until she comes raging at you.

It really REALLY annoys me when parents use health care professionals as threats (so have some sympathy for the gang thing!) It is so unhelpful when your children are terrified of doctors and nurses because they see them as baddies
For you OP I think a word is reasonable but not a shouty one!

“Come and getting” a child does not imply “beating up” a child, stop projecting.

If the child was 3, they might reasonably interpret it as grabbing you for a tickle or a big bear hug, but an 8yo - and maybe one from a 'difficult' and/or street-wise background? Projecting, really?

I wonder if this is how it starts sometimes, at an early age, when you see some women on MN pretty much taking it as accepted fact that every single adult male out there almost certainly wants to hurt and abuse women and children - except for your own husband, father and brother, of course....

It sounds as though whatever was said has spilled into school. On that basis, I would address it with the school rather than the mother.

My Mum used to tell me if I didn't behave a random stranger she'd point out would come and take me away in van - then wondered why I was always shy and clingy when out in public.

I had to have words with another school mum who kept on to her child in front of us she's swap her child for mine when hers was misbehaving- which was frequent. It was upsetting my eldest who was in same school year but opposite ends ie mine was summer born and very young plus I'd just had a baby so there was a bit of insceurity there. I got distinct impression the mother thought I was being precious - but did stop.

I had a random woman in shop once pick me out and say to her kids if you don't behave she will take you away - I remember becuase she was stood next to DS older than her kids and slightly away from me - he was very vocal and indignant that I wouldn't be as I had him and his sisters and wouldn't want her childen. She hurried away embrassed before I could really do much.

So I can belive this - it's a really poor parenting technique - and if it's causing issues for you or likely to I'd have words with said parent and possible with school so any problems can be nipped in the bud.

This is ridiculous, and could follow your son in school for years.

Have a talk with he stupid, stupid woman. Explain you are surprised that she has falsely told her son your husband engages in criminal activity. Say you have no idea why she would make up such an outrageous lie, but it is now being spread Around the school.

Tell her she needs to correct this immediately with their son.

I worked in a supermarket throughout university. On occasion Mums would to point at me Or a colleague and tell Their children of they didn’t behave the bad lady would kick ten out of the shop/take away their sweets/be very cross. I hated that, this is considerably more extreme.

Also, children have vivid imaginations and can get very anxious trying to piece together all of the information they have in their immature brains. A gang member wants to come and hurt children; so do paedophiles; child gets worried and tells an adult what they think is the whole story; rumours spread; vigilantes come with pitchforks and hound some poor innocent postman or office clerk out of his own home.

Didn't that happen once to a paediatrician - without children's sometimes-fuzzy logic even having to be added into the mix?

There is probably some miscommunication by the children as most mothers would never say "x's dad is in a gang and will come in get you" either because they don't want trouble from this gang family (if they believe it to be true) or because they don't want to hurt another child or family by making up stories and would be embarrassed to be found out.

I suspect the other child is lying about mother saying anything, or possibly overheard his mother talking and got mixed up.

Speak to your child and give them confidence to speak up about this and let the school know so hopefully they can follow up with some sort of lesson about spreading rumours being unacceptable.

If the other mother is approachable I would inform her so she can tell her child to stop this nonsense.

@IceFrost

Sounds like she’s just said it to make her child behave. I’m with you DH, I think it’s funny too 😂

Yep this.

You and your DH need to explain to your son what your DH actually does at work and make sure he understands as "security" means lots of different things.

Once your son understands he can tell his friend clearly that his dad only checks people entering a building, etc and isn't in a gang so his friend doesn't need to worry.

No need to over react and inform the school. It is always worth telling children what exactly adults do at work.

I'd think I'd be more put out if they had said he was in Kool & the Gang. "Celebration" is the one of lamest tunes of all time.

“ I found out that the friend thinks my DH is in a gang because his mum has been telling him.......”

Found out how? Assume You don’t have the facts, eg just what your DS said that his friend had said.

Would raise it with the school in factual terms: boy X has been saying at school, to your DS and others, that DS’ father/your DH is in a gang/will ‘come and get’ people.

I think this is kind of school issue. The child is spreading a lie about OP's dh, dad of op's son.
But obviously need to check what was actually being said, so I would speak to the teacher to ask for help and find out what the other child is saying.
Going straight to the neighbour may create more problem for dcs at school.

The other mum's poor parenting techniques are her problem, but she can't go round spreading lies about other people, and needs to be told that very clearly before it causes anyone any serious problems. E.g. in the tone of a mature adult who finds her behaviour perplexing and unacceptable.

This is ridiculous, and could follow your son in school for years

I'd address it with the teacher for this reason.

There was a rumour we were splitting up at DC primary school- DH was working away from home and I think our evil next door neigbour was spreading it around.

Children were upset a few times by other children and parents insting we were splitting up - which we reassued them was rubbish- and at least one teacher insisted issues at school were in fact caused by mysterious referces to the situation at home - which we did ask what was meant by that as nothing had changed that year.

(Though even if she did say it, she might well deny it once she realises what a stupid thing it was to say.)

@DickBastardly

Is it possible he could be in a gang but you don’t know about it?

😂😂 brilliant

OP, why are you so outraged? Who cares. Just tell your child it's obviously bollocks, but who is bothered by what the neighbours think

On another note, people shouldn't tell that policemen are nasty people coming to get them if they are bad

surely you want to teach them that policemen are here to help if you need?

It's a bit shitty, but a good opportunity for a lesson for your DS.

Sometimes people will say things that aren't true. And when that happens, it can cause big problems and feelings can get hurt.

I certainly wouldn't talk to the school –but I would have a chat with the mum, explain what's happened, and ask her to rectify the situation. No need to be furious but it does need to be addressed.

Really not funny and I would take it up with the school as well as directly with the neighbour, although make sure your facts are 100% accurate first. Something similar happened in school when I was teaching and I was able to treat it as a racist incident (the parent accused of involvement in organised crime was black) and so come down on the family who said it like a ton of bricks.

@DickBastardly

Is it possible he could be in a gang but you don’t know about it?

😂😂😂😂 anything is possible

You should tell her snitches get stitches and she better not say anything about your husband again.

YANBU OP. I hate it when I'm at work and people say 'that lady will tell you off' I smile at the kid and say 'no I will not, but your mum might'.

I think neighbour has lost control and overstepped the mark.

At times when my pre-school DD was tantrumming wildly during lockdown I would tell her that my next door neighbour had called the police because she was being too noisy. I got the idea from my neighbour who admitted to me she did this with her DDs when they were smaller. We have both laughed at how when the kids were smaller they would eye me up suspiciously....but no harm done now. They’ve forgotten I used to “call the police on them”.

I think your neighbour has been in a similar situation but taken it a bit far and she hasn’t thought through the wider reaching implications of her white lie. Also it’s quite out of order to tell an 8 yr old at the same school as your DC. 8yos aren’t known for discretion.

I suggest you have a calm word with her and explain the repercussions. If she has an ounce of sense she’ll apologise and set things right and you can all move on.

If she minimises it, and her son continues talking about it at school, then have a word with the school about rumour spreading by her son....