To not use the name?

[Sexnotgender]

Currently pregnant with a girl.

MIL died very suddenly and quite traumaticly last year. DH and her were very close.

He’s brought up using her name for the baby.

It’s a perfectly nice name, but I don’t want to use it and feel like a total cow saying no😔

I’m absolutely fine using it as a middle name to honour MIL, she was a lovely lady. But I don’t want to use it as a first name.

Am I awful?

Not awful at all! I wouldn't in your circumstances.

Of course not! I refused to use my FILs name, there's already been one (example) John Smith, I wanted my child to have their own name!

And I'd hate to be named after a dead old person I'd never even met.

Second name is your friend here!
DH lost his Mum shortly before we married. We had a girl a few years later and named her - Our chosen name, DH's mums name, Surname.

Personally I'd use it. I couldn't say no in those circumstances.

How badly do you not want to use it? Is it ‘not your dream name’ or ‘Meh’ or ‘God, I hate that name’?

Examples for me (for a girl):

Bethany - I like it but probably wouldn’t pick it
Lauren - meh
Tigris - no way, not ever

No. Way. On. This. Earth.

A possible compromise would be to use it as a middle name (perhaps a third one).

Not unreasonable at all. My grandfather was very keen one of us name our kids after late aunt and I'd like to have honoured her, but she also has a name that just didn't appeal and didn't really have variants that worked.

Are there any variants on MILs name or similar ones that you might prefer?

Otherwise going for middle name is fine.

Could you perhaps say using the same name would be too difficult emotionally to mix such a sad event with such a happy one. And you want to keep their identities special and separate?

@flaviaritt

How badly do you not want to use it? Is it ‘not your dream name’ or ‘Meh’ or ‘God, I hate that name’?

Examples for me (for a girl):

Bethany - I like it but probably wouldn’t pick it
Lauren - meh
Tigris - no way, not ever

It’s a fine name. I don’t object to the name itself.

I would struggle that the baby wouldn’t have their own identity and I would particularly struggle hearing FIL use it as he’s an abusive arse.

Middle name so child has its own identity

Or, possibly, a derivative of the name - e.g. Nico/Nicholas or Jack/John.

There aren’t any real derivatives unfortunately that we could use. I did think about that.

Middle name is fine

It also depends on how dated the name is nowadays, I think.
So, no one is called Susan or Erica, but some names are timeless.

Wanting to keep their identities special and separate is the best argument I reckon. I wouldn't want to name my child after such a close family member either OP

You are not a cow for suggesting the name be used as a middle name. I think that's a perfectly reasonable compromise. I would do the same

@IncludeWomenInTheSequel

Of course not! I refused to use my FILs name, there's already been one (example) John Smith, I wanted my child to have their own name!

And I'd hate to be named after a dead old person I'd never even met.

Ugh. It’s not some random dead person you never met. It’s her granny and kids love these connections.

My dh had lost his dm so we used her name as our dd middle name. It's a good compromise.

I would use it as a middle name too.

Middle name. She will have her own identity and then MILs name as a nice family link

Stick to your guns

Middle name is a fitting tribute to MIL

Use it as a middle name.

@CallmeAngelina

It also depends on how dated the name is nowadays, I think. So, no one is called Susan or Erica, but some names are timeless.

I wouldn’t say it’s dated. It’s quite classic but old fashioned.

The name itself is perfectly fine.

I was named after my grandmother, exactly the same names, first and middle names, and I hated it. I grew up terrified of granny, she was an alcoholic and prone to rages where she shrieked and threw things.

I think it's difficult, my DS is named after my DH's grandfather and that's fine, I never met him so it's just my son's name with a nice origin. My husband called his grandad grandad, my mother in law called him dad etc. so my son's name is his name.

Your DH however probably called his mum mum, rather than her actual name, which I assume is what you called her by? So it would feel less like your child's own identity. Maybe explaining it like that and suggesting it as a middle name would help your DH understand?

I'm not explaining myself well but I hope you know what I mean!