To not use the name?

[Sexnotgender]

Currently pregnant with a girl.

MIL died very suddenly and quite traumaticly last year. DH and her were very close.

He’s brought up using her name for the baby.

It’s a perfectly nice name, but I don’t want to use it and feel like a total cow saying no😔

I’m absolutely fine using it as a middle name to honour MIL, she was a lovely lady. But I don’t want to use it as a first name.

Am I awful?

Rather than shortening it, go for a longer version?
Susan > Susanna
or did MIL have a middle name that you could use?

My grandmother died when my Mum was very young, but my sister and I each have one of her middle names.

Only use the name if you love it and would have considered it anyway. I know it's a sensitive situation as your MIL has died, but you aren't under any obligation. We called my youngest after my dad who had died quite recently. We both felt very connected to the name and it was one of those names which was having a resurgence, which made a difference too.

You sound just lovely @IncludeWomenInTheSequel. This is the child's grandmother's name, not just some dead old woman, as you so tactfully put it.

I have the middle name of one of my parents nieces who died the year before I was born. I’ve always been proud of carrying on the special name but my surname isn’t the same as the nieces and also it’s only my middle name. I think even being (for example) Most Jane Jones when the niece was Jane Jones would be weird but as it is I’m Most Jane Smith. I definitely would have been freaked our by being named Jane Jones exactly like the dead niece.

Yes, middle name.

My DD has my Mum‘a name as her middle name. It’s a nice tribute. She knows where the name comes from and we talk about it. I don’t think it would be mean to say no to first name.

You’re not awful. I can see why your DH really wants to - but it’s not a nice reason to give your baby a name, so I wouldn’t.

I’d absolutely give it to her as a middle name though, no question.

In my extended family I have two cousins who are named first name (after a deceased relative) and middle name (which they use on everything including school/college/medical etc).I think the only exception is the electors roll. We were told when they were born that they would use their second name day by day.

I have to ask why this man is going to be anywhere near your baby?

He lives very far away thankfully. The chances of him seeing her in person are slim to none. Unfortunately due to the wonders of technology he will see her though.

I had a paternal aunt who died in a car crash 6 years before I was born. When my parents were expecting me there was a lot of pressure for them to use her name as my name. They said no not for a first name the child need their own firstname. So I have my aunts name for my middle name. I have always loved having her name despite it being a VERY old-fashioned name. I like the link it gave me to an aunt I never met.

when dh and I had children they al got a middle name from a family member. they all like this link However, also like having their own name.

@IncludeWomenInTheSequel WORK!
Anyway, I agree with you. The child (sadly) isn't going to know grandma, so grandma is just another old dead lady to them. Middle name OP!

We would have done it if DD would have been born as a boy. It wasn't my late dad's actual name but a variation of it.

Saying that, we didn't even think about that connection until my mum later asked what our choice for a boy's name would have been and she pointed it out. Interestingly, FIL also has this name as a middle name.

In general I think no child should bear a name for memory/rememberance purposes. Middle name works for this but as the acutal first name a child should have its own name.

@IncludeWomenInTheSequel

Of course not! I refused to use my FILs name, there's already been one (example) John Smith, I wanted my child to have their own name!

And I'd hate to be named after a dead old person I'd never even met.

Lots of people are named after a 'dead old person', there's nothing wrong with that. I think it's rather nice, I wish I had been.

You have to choose what you believe to be the most beautiful name in the world.
Then go with MILs name as a middle name.

My MIL died a month before our first baby was born. We went down the middle name route. No way would I have sacrificed the huge and intense joy of choosing a name I truly loved for my baby. I think it’s too much to ask of you. In the name of diplomacy, it’s probably best to agree to using it as a middle name, and point out it will allow your daughter her own identity, etc. I am named after a dead great grandmother I never met, and always feel a little disappointed that my parents didn’t think up something special just for me.

I think having it as a middle name is a perfect compromise....it's a 'nod' (not meant in a flippant way) to MIL, but it's important your dd has her own identity and equality importantly, a name you both like.

This, definitely. Middle name is a nice honour, but aside from your own considerations and choices for your DD and yourselves as parents, I always think that giving the deceased's name to a new baby has overtones of replacing the distinct memory of the person who has now gone.

Instead of 'Gladys' clearly referring to your late MIL when speaking to people who knew and loved her, you now have to specify 'Little Gladys' or 'Gladys - Steve's Mum' - almost like using an ersatz surname for somebody in your own family - and, as time goes by, Little Gladys, being the one who is still alive, will naturally 'take over' the name within the family and it will largely cease to refer to late MIL at all.

It gets confusing enough when people give their children the same first name as their mum or dad's first name - I never understand why people who do this wouldn't want both to retain their own individual personality within the family, personally - but at least they both still equally 'own' the name whilst they are still alive (albeit often requiring clarification as to which one is intended).

Would your DH really want to hear somebody saying "Gladys has just been sick on the sofa" or "Gladys, have you done a poo-poo?" - perfectly normal everyday reference points for a baby or toddler - when he associates the name with his dear, distinguished late mother?

No, use it as a middle name .

And dont be afraid to have two middle names so you get to pick first and a middle name.

no way on this planet

middle name or nothing!

If you have your DH surname just explain you want the baby to have it’s own unique name and that baby will have your MIL name as middle name to honour and remember her. If he is rational he should be fine with this.

I am in the same situation (although no pregnant) and have explained this to DH and he is fine with it.

Middle name. My DC have several, to keep the familial peace. Their first names are brilliant, and have no family connections at all.

I find it odd that your DH wants to use his mothers name. We have a tradition in our family to use grandparents names as middles names but never as first names.

Your DH is grieving but it is not fair on your DD to be used for him to deal with his own grief by naming her after his mother. Let him deal with his grief and you stay strong at using the name as a middle only. I have no doubt he will come round.

Oh an no your not awful....I had many arguments with my other half about naming the DC.

Middle name definantly.

Just a thought, how would your mum react? Maybe worth having a conversation informing her that you were thinking of using mil’s name (or use her name as a second middle name so she’s not left out, or say you’re going to use her name for second daughter etc).

I agree middle name .

DD has the same name as my Mum ( who was still around when she was born )
Never been an issue , the difference is DH and I both liked it , and it was one that had many ways of using it
Think Alison , Mum was Al or Ally , DD is Alison or Alf. Personally , I think you're being a bit mean not to use the name if it means a lot to your DH