To not use the name?

[Sexnotgender]

Currently pregnant with a girl.

MIL died very suddenly and quite traumaticly last year. DH and her were very close.

He’s brought up using her name for the baby.

It’s a perfectly nice name, but I don’t want to use it and feel like a total cow saying no😔

I’m absolutely fine using it as a middle name to honour MIL, she was a lovely lady. But I don’t want to use it as a first name.

Am I awful?

I would struggle that the baby wouldn’t have their own identity and I would particularly struggle hearing FIL use it as he’s an abusive arse.
Tell your DH this. He will surely understand about their own identity. He, presumably, also knows how you feel about his father.

I think having it as a middle name is a perfect compromise....it's a 'nod' (not meant in a flippant way) to MIL, but it's important your dd has her own identity and equality importantly, a name you both like. I speak from experience....my dad's sister died when she was only 21, my dad was 14. He wanted to name me after her but as she was born in 1930, by the time I came along in the late 60s, it was a really old fashioned name (it would probably be quite trendy now!!) So mum put her foot down and refused....but was happy to have it as my middle name. I am glad I wasn't given her name.....not only was it horribly old fashioned, but I think I would have felt a kind of comparison complex and almost like I had someone else's identity!

What's the name op? Could you double barrel it with something, eg Sophie-Rose, with Sophie being your choice and Rose being Mil's name? You could then just tend to drop the second half of it and refer to her as Sophie...

I had similar circumstances but we used MIL middle name name as middle name instead. I preferred the middle name.

I would struggle that the baby wouldn’t have their own identity and I would particularly struggle hearing FIL use it as he’s an abusive arse.

I’m from a family where names are passed down and this has never been an issue. It’s the nature of things for the young to eclipse the old (and the dead). Soon it wouldn’t seem like anyone else’s name, in my opinion.

But it really is up to you. I don’t know the detail of your FIL but you are not being at all unreasonable if it makes you uncomfortable rather than just isn’t your favourite name.

No way, the baby is her own person not an echo of MIL. Yes as a middle name no as a first.

We considered this as DHs brother and uncle had died recently before our boy was born - but he said it would be weird calling his their names all the time and would actually made him feel sad - so safely relegated to middle name territory

YANBU. I do think that carrying the name of a recently deceased family member is too much on a new life, especially where emotions/ties where very strong. The child needs to be their own person rather than be compared to/a pole bearer to the deceased.

Middle name a good compromise.

especially where emotions/ties were very strong.

I am going to go to the garden and eat worms now. This is where bad spellers go.

But it really is up to you. I don’t know the detail of your FIL but you are not being at all unreasonable if it makes you uncomfortable rather than just isn’t your favourite name

Horribly physically and emotionally abusive to his wife and children. The thought of hearing him cooing the name to my beautiful new baby makes my skin crawl.

You seem nicer than I'd be about it. If you don't mind it too much, use it as a middle name. I personally wouldn't even do that but I'm a bit mean.

DD has DH's late mum's name as her only middle name, this is enough of a tribute I think.

@cardswapping

especially where emotions/ties were very strong.

I am going to go to the garden and eat worms now. This is where bad spellers go.

I’ll come too, I’ve spelt traumatically appallingly badly in my opening post! I’m blaming the hormones 😂

You don't like the name enough & that's fine.

There's a tradition of a particular middle names in my husband's family.

Wouldn't have used it even for a middle name if I didn't like it!

@SnoozyBoozy

What's the name op? Could you double barrel it with something, eg Sophie-Rose, with Sophie being your choice and Rose being Mil's name? You could then just tend to drop the second half of it and refer to her as Sophie...

I don’t really want to say the name.

I’m not a fan of double barrelled names.

Unless i disliked the name i would use it, i think it's a really nice thing to do. But i would make sure dc2's name is 100% my choice. (Assuming another dc is on the cards)

IncludeWomen. Somewhere there is a dead, old person you’ve never met who had your name first........

"I personally wouldn't even do that but I'm a bit mean."

Why? Your husband loses his mum and wants to give his daughter her name and you would refuse to have it even as a middle name just to be "mean"?

God help your DH

The thought of hearing him cooing the name to my beautiful new baby makes my skin crawl.

Not sure why this would be happening with a violent and emotionally abusive man? You don’t have to have him round the baby. Perhaps that could be the compromise - yes, DH, we’ll use the name, out of respect for your mum, and out of respect for our kids we won’t be seeing your violent father?

Horribly physically and emotionally abusive to his wife and children. The thought of hearing him cooing the name to my beautiful new baby makes my skin crawl.

I have to ask why this man is going to be anywhere near your baby?

Just use it as a middle name.

I'm named after my mum's sister who died 9 years before I was born, and my middle name is my dad's first wife's name, who died the same year.

I love my name and the connections. I have no inferiority complex. In fact, I named my DD after my dad's first wife's mum - she was a wonderful lady.

Use whatever name you want.

Wouldn't it make your skin crawl for him to be cooing over your baby regardless of the name?

She will have her identity regardless of her name, because it is just a name and it's one you seem to quite like. Personally, in those circumstances I'd do it

YANBU just stick with "I absolutely want it as her middle name to honour your Mum but we need to choose something else as her first name"

If Fil is as awful as you say i wouldn't be going anywhere near him, and neither would my baby.