To not use the name?

[Sexnotgender]

Currently pregnant with a girl.

MIL died very suddenly and quite traumaticly last year. DH and her were very close.

He’s brought up using her name for the baby.

It’s a perfectly nice name, but I don’t want to use it and feel like a total cow saying no😔

I’m absolutely fine using it as a middle name to honour MIL, she was a lovely lady. But I don’t want to use it as a first name.

Am I awful?

@StCharlotte

No you're not being awful at all. Definitely use it as a middle name. How insistent is your DH being?

DH actually suggested using my late mother's name if we had a daughter. I would happily have used it as it's a lovely name.

He’s not being too insistent but I know he’s disappointed I’m not keen.

I think your agreement to use both mums’ names as middle names is very appropriate, OP. You’ve handled it really well.

nope nope nope. A name is for life (generally) and a lot of thought goes into it. It reflects the parents characters and is something you will use multiple times every single day. The choice should be clean and free of influence other than what both parents want

Definitely NBU. Your DD deserves her own identity. Middle name fine, shouldn’t be used as a first name though.

If you don't want to use the name, don't use it, as you will have to say it pretty much every day for the rest of your life and you'll regret it. Using it as a middle name is absolutely a good compromise, and I actually think there's more people using family names as middle names than first names - not least because if family member is still alive it makes things complicated at gatherings to have two people of the same name.

My DF died a few years before I had DS. I liked his name and it's sort of unisex so DH and I decided to use it for a middle name for our DC whatever their sex. I don't think we would ever have considered using it as a first name though because actually instead of a tribute it would be a bit upsetting for my DM in particular to hear it all the time.

I'd go with the significant name rather than the idealised one, assuming there's nothing deeper to your choice other than you like it

It really smacks of emotional blackmail and I don't think that is on! Your child's name is such an important decision to make and both parents need to be 100% in agreement.

I think your dh would be very unreasonable not to accept it as a middle name. And with good grace!

He’s really not emotionally blackmailing me, that’s not his MO at all.

My MIL passed away a few months before DD was born and we used her name as a middle name. It's an old fashioned name but DH wanted to use it somewhere in the name. We also used my mum's middle name.

@Nicolastuffedone

IncludeWomen. Somewhere there is a dead, old person you’ve never met who had your name first........

There really isn't. Not the exact first name/surname combo.

My point is that I would not necessarily be pleased to have been saddled with a slightly 'old lady' type name because of the emotional connection one of my parents had. I myself would have no emotional connection with the person because I'd never met them.

"Lots of people are named after a 'dead old person', there's nothing wrong with that. I think it's rather nice, I wish I had been."

Great for you. The OP doesn't want to, which is really the point of the thread...

@IncludeWomenInTheSequel I’m going off the OPs point of the thread perhaps but I just wanted to say I am named, (first name) after my paternal grandmother who was dying, and died within weeks of my birth.

I have loved this connection. She is not a random old lady, nor someone I feel no connection to at all. I always felt it was special, like I was named after the most precious thing in the world. And I knew it evoked that in my relatives.

My parents divorced some years later. My father died recently and after decades of a rotten Cold War between my parents, he spent his last months saying how much he loved that my mother let him name the baby after his mum without question and how kind my mum was to his mum... powerful memories for him. It was all very emotional for him.

None of that is creepy to me. It’s family and it’s ties. Kids are obsessed with family ties and I am glad my name evokes meaning.

That's lovely for you.

The OP doesn't want to do it 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think in your position I would explain your worries about your child's identity to your DH and see how he reacts.

My DSis died when we were both in our 20s (no DC then) and although her name is very nice it never occurred to me for a moment to use it for my DD's first name. It is her middle name (and that of several of my cousins' children) and that's perfect.

In my experience you get lots of connection talking to your DC about the people they never met, and seeing the physical echoes especially as they get bigger. You don't need the same name too.

Nope. Wouldn't even put my sons dads name as a middle name. It's boring and plain and my kids are individuals 😂