To not use the name?

[Sexnotgender]

Currently pregnant with a girl.

MIL died very suddenly and quite traumaticly last year. DH and her were very close.

He’s brought up using her name for the baby.

It’s a perfectly nice name, but I don’t want to use it and feel like a total cow saying no😔

I’m absolutely fine using it as a middle name to honour MIL, she was a lovely lady. But I don’t want to use it as a first name.

Am I awful?

StamfordHill eh the woman carrying the DC who also has a say in what her DD is called.

Its sad the MIL died but many of us have mothers who are dead before having DC it doesnt mean we have the right to give there name to our DC and ignore the partners wishes.

Another one for middle name. That’s what I did, I think it’s a fair compromise.

@Standrewsschool

Middle name definantly.

Just a thought, how would your mum react? Maybe worth having a conversation informing her that you were thinking of using mil’s name (or use her name as a second middle name so she’s not left out, or say you’re going to use her name for second daughter etc).

We’re planning 2 middle names. One from each side of family.

YANBU, my MIL died quite suddenly a month before DD was born, she has her middle name. It’s not what I would have chosen but I’m happy it means something, I wouldn’t have had it as a first name.

Use it as one of the middle names.

Pick a name you love, her own name, for her first name.

Definitely not first name. I dont like kids having the first name from a relative at all though, like sons having dads first name. They're their own unique person and not an extension or replacement of somebody else

Meant to say she has her name as a middle name.

Just another perspective: I am named after a relative that died around when I was born. As a child I always loved the link with this woman who had such an interesting life, and who was important to my family. I never felt like I didn’t have my own identity because I shared a name. I just think of the name as mine. It’s pretty uncommon and old fashioned and all mine.

That being said, I think using the name as a second name is a really good option. I know people who found it really painful saying their child’s bent after naming them for an important family member.

I don’t think it’s a compromise to go with the middle name. It is traditional, prolly more so than having a relative’s name first up. At least in the English-speaking cultures I’m part of.

Sell it to everyone as going with a firm tradition (everyone else you know does it this way, etc). Make it sound like having it as a first name is slightly weird, and not honouring MIL enough. You just need to get a bit strategic about this.

Personally, I’d start publicly favouring some outrageous first & middle name combination. Sound really keen. After a few months of this, they’ll happily accept ‘yourchoice + MIL’ as a name.

DH & I had a deal whereby a girl baby would have his mother’s name as middle, and a boy would get my dad’s name as middle. Mind you, our mum’s names are only one letter different so no one felt hard done by.

If I’d had any nonsense from family, I’d have employed all manner of sneaky strategies. With all the work mothers do between pregnancy, childbirth and raising- we certainly deserve first dibs on names! It’s the single word we’ll use most for the rest of our lives, after all.

Of use it only as a middle name.

My brother and my dads cousin are both named after my dads brother who died at a few days old. Whilst my gran does see it as a tribute of sorts, she’s obviously clearly pained by having to use that name. Either use it as a middle name or modify it eg Elizabeth becomes Beth, Eliza, Liza, Alyssa etc.

I agree re middle name. Maybe make it the only middle name and refer to it? Eg if she’s Sarah, middle name Jane, put Sarah Jane on the christening/1st birthday cake, that sort of thing. But agree re the baby having her own identity.

Funnily enough, I was in your husband’s position- I wanted to give my DD a family name and my DH said no, but that he was fine with it as her middle name. I’m so glad we did it that way now.

My DD has the name of my paternal great grandmother, but only because I liked the name. It suits her, and the time difference is great enough that there's no overlap, great grandmother had died around 80-90 years before.

She has the name of my grandmother as a middle name, but that was a deliberate choice to honour her.

I would also go for the middle name. I don’t think that’s unreasonable at all.

Besides if you name the baby after your MIL, would your FIL or your own parents want a look in on any future child you have?

My sister deliberately kept all family names out of my niece’s names for this reason. Our mum, both grandmas, great aunts who were practically extra grandparents.....too many names and some of them not particularly appealing meaning some would automatically be excluded.

My mum has passed away but I won’t be using her name if I have a daughter. Possibly as a middle name and even then it would be an additional middle name rather than the only one.

I don’t think it’s at all disrespectful to use the MIL name as a middle name, I still think it’s a special thing and an honour because at the end of the day we don’t get that many opportunities to choose names!

Using it as a middle name is more than enough. Pick something you love for the 1st.

I know someone who has 2 daughters. She used her mum and and DH mum names as middle names are they are just awful. Both of the mums are still alive btw. The names are frumpy and old fashioned and just go with the first names at all. The poor little girls have to live with the names for ever 😱

You say to your husband, that is an interesting idea, we will have to see if it suits the baby when she is born... it just might not.

Bit of a dripfeed OP!

I wouldn't. I think middle name is a fair compromise.

I said “Our baby is brand new and I want his names to be new so they’re totally his. He already has your surname, that is enough for family names, the other ones I don’t want to be from either side of the family. No history.”

YANBU. The first name of your baby should be something you both love, not chosen because a bereavement has occurred recently.

No you're not being awful at all. Definitely use it as a middle name. How insistent is your DH being?

DH actually suggested using my late mother's name if we had a daughter. I would happily have used it as it's a lovely name.

This is exactly what middle names are for! I used my Dad's name for my DS middle name. A child needs to be their own person first and in honour of a dececed grandparent etc must be 2nd.

My dad died a decade before I even met my husband. When I was pregnant, I decided that I wanted to honor him in a way. If we would have had a boy, it was going to be the middle name. I let my husband choose the first name. We ended up having a girl and used the feminine version as her first name. It's different enough to have her own identity. (Turned out the middle name I suggested was a variant of my husband's deceased grandmother's name, so we honored both sides of the family in a way.)

I wouldnt. I would want my child to have their own identity and think this would be a bit much. Second name yes.

We’re planning 2 middle names. One from each side of family.

I did that with my Ds so there were no arguments.