Having to be 'on-call' for a shop visit

[IliveonCoffee]

Is it just me?

My partner seems incapable of going round the shop without a virtual hand hold. Even equipped with a list.

He's just gone round to subway for lunch. Equipped with what I want. 'Keep your phone on you' he says as he departs...

He always has to call, to check something is the right one, to check he has got everything. To ask for substitutes. Somehow he still manages to get the wrong stuff half the time.

I'd get it if he wasn't sure occasionally. But it is every.single.time.

Aibu to expect a grown man to go to the shop alone both physically and virtually? Or is it me...and I should write more comprehensive and intricate list (possibly with pictures), or be ready to escort him verbally through his phone.

Is he this incompetent at work as well?

Mine does this too. I send DS with him now. It's pathetic.

Is this inspired by the millions of posters on the supermarket thread who claim they absolute have to have DH with them on a family outing to the supermarket because he can't possibly watch his own children and is too incompetent to follow a shopping list?

YANBU OP. It's a frankly ridiculous set of behaviour that some men have. He will have managed before you and he is perfectly capable of managing. He's just being a man child who hopes that being incompetent means you'll take over.

DP is in this gang. He checks his mental list with me about four times accompanied each time with " .. anything else?"

"Just fuck off to the shops and use your initiative man!" I don't say.

Nope, my DH does all the food shopping in this household that is done in a physical shop and most of the cooking. It's usually me ringing him to add to the list. He's a very good shopper.

@Shoxfordian

No...he manages his job just fine! He knows he can be forgetful but manages this at work...somehow though the thought to implement calendars, reminders and notes in his home life is too far a stretch.

Thing is, if it was just forgetfulness, well that's what a list is for. I'll often drop him a text as he leaves. It's the subsequent phone calls (after he's ignored the text)

@LolaSmiles there is definitely an element of him thinking I should just go on my own...and therefore I should still have to be involved as I made him go in my place....

why are you colluding with and enabling his pathetic uselessness?

Just be unavailable. He’ll cope. Don’t collude in this ridiculousness.

Mine does our food shop. Of course YANBU to expect him to know how to shop, he's not a child

Put your phone on silent as he leaves. Tell him you'll be uncontactable and that he can make any decisions that might crop up. He's over reliant on you and you're enabling him by answering his calls.

I'd normally agree with you on things like this op , but for some reason Subway makes me anxious , I'm fine in other shops!

If he's like this with everything you have my sympathy.

Often behaviour like this is the result of having been criticised or told off in the past for getting the "wrong" thing. Have you ever kicked off at him because he bought you a packet of strawberry jelly when you asked for raspberry instead?

My DH does this.

I'd rather he called tbh.

Sounds incredibly annoying
Stop answering the phone and if he gets it wrong then send him back

Context is important here.

Are you the type to moan at him if he comes back with the wrong salad on your subway? Or if something is not in stock at the supermarket, he picks a substitute and it's not one he likes?

My DM is like this, so I've learnt to never take risks with her. I ask her what she wants for christmas/birthday as its not worth the obvious disappointment if I get the wrong thing. If I was getting fast food for her and it wasn't in stock I'd definitely be ringing her to figure what she wanted instead.

*he picks a substitute and its the one you like

**he picks a substitute and its NOT the one you like

Wow I seriously cannot type today.

I do this to my husband, he gives me a list, I’ll phone him to ensure I’ve picked up the correct item. I don’t find it a big deal, neither does he 🤷🏻‍♀️

Once DW rang to ask where the cream was (as in which aisle). She was in the supermarket, I was at home.

I'm afraid I'm like your husband .

Even with a list I often forget things and have been known to call from the shop if a substitute is needed (but then again, I'd want someone to call me to check which sandwich/drink/etc. I wanted if my first choice wasn't available...).

@LolaSmiles there is definitely an element of him thinking I should just go on my own...and therefore I should still have to be involved as I made him go in my place....
Leave him be then. He can use his common sense.

I highly doubt he emails his colleagues every 5 seconds or tells his manager to have his phone ready in case he can't fulfill a simple task at work.

Often behaviour like this is the result of having been criticised or told off in the past for getting the "wrong" thing. Have you ever kicked off at him because he bought you a packet of strawberry jelly when you asked for raspberry instead?
For some it is due to this. This happens more on housework though (eg complaining that he loaded the dishwasher wrong when it was perfectly acceptable just different).

For many others they've seen their mum do everything, they manage on their own but really do think it's the role of women to pick up after them and so will be deliberately incompetent so that their partners eventually decide they've had enough and do it because it's more work directed a man child than to do the shop.
As women we've got a duty to stop enabling this and stop accepting this stupid behaviour.

I do this to my husband, he gives me a list, I’ll phone him to ensure I’ve picked up the correct item

Does the item in your hand match what is on the list? Then it's the right one. If it doesn't match then either look for the right thing or pick an alternative.

Totally agree with PizzaForOne.

I bet the majority of these men know they'll get moaned at if it's not perfect.

I'm learning this with my teenage son. I ask him to do something, like hang the washing out. He does it, but not how I'd like it done and that's OK. If he goes shopping and gets something off list that's OK. It's not incompetence just because it's not exactly how you would do it yourself.

@shoxfordian

If my husband turned his phone off and tried to send me back to the shop he'd be sorely disappointed

Are you a big scary ogre? maybe he's afraid to get it wrong.