Having to be 'on-call' for a shop visit

[IliveonCoffee]

Is it just me?

My partner seems incapable of going round the shop without a virtual hand hold. Even equipped with a list.

He's just gone round to subway for lunch. Equipped with what I want. 'Keep your phone on you' he says as he departs...

He always has to call, to check something is the right one, to check he has got everything. To ask for substitutes. Somehow he still manages to get the wrong stuff half the time.

I'd get it if he wasn't sure occasionally. But it is every.single.time.

Aibu to expect a grown man to go to the shop alone both physically and virtually? Or is it me...and I should write more comprehensive and intricate list (possibly with pictures), or be ready to escort him verbally through his phone.

@HallieKnight

I've lived with a couple people like this.

One was because of trauma, their parents used to beat them when they got things wrong so they would always check and double check and triple check because of their in built fear

The other had ADHD and they tried their best and really wanted to get it right but it was just so hard for them. However everything at work was systematic, structured, and concrete so they did great

Likely both examples were built in fear.

With ADHD you get criticised ALOT.

Same output normal brain vs ADHD brain

@LolaSmiles

MilkTwoSugarsThanks It's incompetence if a man can't (won't) look at a shopping list, buy the correct items and apply common sense if the exact item isn't there.

For example, shopping list says curry sauce, if a guy comes back with a korma and gets nagged at because he should have realised they always have the branded version tikka masala then I have sympathy for him. Same if he substitutes the branded cereal for a different brand or supermarket own because the usual one isn't in and then gets his ear chewed off for it not being right. If women do this then it's hardly surprising some men give up or ring to check.

However, many of them are just man children. They see curry sauce on the shopping list and instead of buying one they'll call their wives to ask which one, which brand and then two minutes later call up because the list says pasta but which one, does she want shells or tubes, or it will say baby wipes and he'll call again asking which ones. That's deliberately being incompetent and a man child.

I agree with this but, tbh, when I send dh with a list I don't, say, write laundry detergent, I save ink and write daz!

@Sparticle I’m unsure whether you meant to come across as rude or was just clumsy with your “what a load of rubbish” comment. My opinion and my experience are not rubbish thank you.

My husband manages perfectly well for most of the time and is incredibly successful but the point I was making was clearly missed by you.

I was with my dying Dad in hospital and DH texted me to ask what time to collect the DC from school. I ignored it because a) I knew he had a decent idea of the time and wouldn't go far wrong, b) he could find out by calling school or texting any of our friends, c) if he got it wrong and it was a problem he'd learn from it and remember next time, and d) mainly because I couldn't believe he was contacting me in my circumstances to ask such a basic question - it made me so angry. It was never referred to afterwards which just confirms that he was quite capable, just being lazy. I have since tried to adopt this attitude of non helpfulness when it's called for, but nothing has quite matched that day.

What about letting him in charge of the food shop AND the food planning?

It's not the same to buy what you know you need, and to shop for someone who has already made the decisions and won't be happy if the "correct" products don't turn up.

Just let him meal plan, shop and cook on alternate weeks.

When you see comments like
peanut butter, I'd also expect him to get the brands right eg not buy peanut butter with added sugar as that's not something we've bought in 10 years you can see where the problems are.

If you are that fussy, go shopping yourself or order online.

You see them all the time. CV19 rules or not. Clogging up the supermarket talking on their phone, getting in the way...

Perhaps online shopping would be a better option.

However, many of them are just man children. They see curry sauce on the shopping list and instead of buying one they'll call their wives to ask which one, which brand and then two minutes later call up because the list says pasta but which one, does she want shells or tubes, or it will say baby wipes and he'll call again asking which ones. That's deliberately being incompetent and a man child.

For me this is also a sign of disrespect that a previous poster mentioned. It means the man is so clueless and pays so little attention that he hasn't noticed that they always eat the same type of curry or that baby wipes are always the sensitive ones. If I sent DH to buy fish sauce, I could understand that he might not know exactly what brand I buy or even where in the supermarket it might be because it's something that's quite specific to the person who does the cooking (me) and it's certainly not something we'd all be using regularly.

But if I ask him to buy bacon or washing powder or apples I expect him to come back with the ones we as a family use all the time because he should be paying enough attention to what's going on in the house that he knows these things. Having said that, DH and I have been known to argue because, for example, him and the kids eat the peanut butter, not me, but it doesn't occur to him to put it on the shopping list when it's getting low. And it drives me CRAZY when he's then alls surprised that we've run out and I didn't buy any the day before while doing the shopping.

I'm sure for some of these people it's a case of not wanting to be complained at for getting it 'wrong' if they use their initiative. However, a lot of the time I suspect it's that they are in the habit of expecting their partner to take the mental load of domestic chores/shopping. So they'll physically go to the shop but rely on detailed instructions of what to buy/where from etc. This means that a) the responsibility for getting suitable shopping stays firmly with their partner; b) no need to apply any thought to what is needed/what it might be used for etc; c) more likely that their partner will decide that if they have to put in all the thought behind the task and be 'on call' whilst the task is done then they might as well just do it all themselves.

This also applies to other tasks eg. present buying, child care, medical appointments etc- they will look after the children/buy their family presents/take DC to the doctors but their partner needs to tell them what to dress the DC in, what to feed them, where they need to be, remind them that a present is needed and think about what to buy book all appointments, remind everyone when it is and where they need to go etc.

This is something I've become increasingly aware of in my own life and am trying to address.

@PeggyPorschen DH and DS consume 95% of the peanut butter. DH and I agreed many many years ago that we would no longer buy sugar added peanut butter. If DH turned up having bought "regular" peanut butter without a good reason, I feel perfectly justified in being annoyed.

DH asked me to buy batteries the other day. I have a complete mental block when it comes to batteries so he explained the one he wanted. I bought the one he wanted. He would have had every right to be annoyed if I'd turned up with different batteries.

But then, I think the world is split into people who think that if someone is doing you a favour you have no right to complain no matter how badly it is done, and people who think that if someone offers to do something they should do it properly or not bother. I am definitely in the latter camp.

It means the man is so clueless and pays so little attention that he hasn't noticed that they always eat the same type of curry or that baby wipes are always the sensitive ones.

or it just means being NORMAL and not being that bothered about unnecessary details

I don't have the 1st clue what kind of apples or sausages or peanuts DH buy, I don't buy the same ones every week anyway, so it's hardly something I would remember, or care to remember.

@PeggyPorschen

What about letting him in charge of the food shop AND the food planning?

It's not the same to buy what you know you need, and to shop for someone who has already made the decisions and won't be happy if the "correct" products don't turn up.

Just let him meal plan, shop and cook on alternate weeks.

When you see comments like
peanut butter, I'd also expect him to get the brands right eg not buy peanut butter with added sugar as that's not something we've bought in 10 years you can see where the problems are.

If you are that fussy, go shopping yourself or order online.

I get what you are saying, but my OH does not cook, does not meal plan, does not change beds, does not do washing etc. There is plenty he does do! He will fold washing, Hoover, tidy, sweep, cut the lawn etc plus He will willingly shop!

If he eats peanut butter or would willingly shop, then I would expect him to know the jar/brand/make from getting it out of the cupboard

We don’t all live in perfect households with perfect people.

I’d recommend trying ignoring phone calls, so next time the list is created he’s possibly more participant in making it perhaps. The list maker therefore knows the list in their head not questioning the paper in front of them urging them to check by phoning every 2 mins!

[quote SpaceOP]@PeggyPorschen DH and DS consume 95% of the peanut butter. DH and I agreed many many years ago that we would no longer buy sugar added peanut butter. If DH turned up having bought "regular" peanut butter without a good reason, I feel perfectly justified in being annoyed.

DH asked me to buy batteries the other day. I have a complete mental block when it comes to batteries so he explained the one he wanted. I bought the one he wanted. He would have had every right to be annoyed if I'd turned up with different batteries.

But then, I think the world is split into people who think that if someone is doing you a favour you have no right to complain no matter how badly it is done, and people who think that if someone offers to do something they should do it properly or not bother. I am definitely in the latter camp.[/quote]
Either you precisely write down the brand and type you want
(same with batteries)

or you are just being silly

If I ask DH for chocolate spread, he would buy the chocolate spread he fancies buying. If I want Nutella, I write down Nutella.

Your DH is not doing you a favour by shopping, he's doing a normal chore. There's nothing to be grateful about

We don’t all live in perfect households with perfect people.

people who don't care about petty details? (or are very clear about them if it's that important)
I agree with you on that one

My fiance just writes everything down. He has pretty sever dyslexia (dyslexia doesn't just affect reading and writing but also verbal memory and many other things). He struggles to remember information said outloud to him such as instructions and names so hes learnt to always write a list. Maybe your husband should do that?

Your DH is not doing you a favour by shopping, he's doing a normal chore. There's nothing to be grateful about

Completely agree. But the attitude is, "But I did the shopping so why are you complaining that I bought self raising flour when the list said plain flour? You should be GRATEFUL I'm dong the shopping."

And that is the problem. It's a chore. It needs to be done and it needs to be done properly. And if your DC need sensitive baby wipes, there is no excuse for him not to buy that. If as a family we always buy low fat milk, then that is what should be purchased because how has he missed that we don't buy full fat? IF, however, he prefers full fat and never gets it because the woman usually does the shopping then sure, I have no problem with him then deciding as he's shopping today, he'll buy full fat. But incompetence is very different to making a specific, conscious decision.

@Oxyiz

Oh sure its usually the woman's fault for being a nag.

Well it MIGHT be. We don't know the OP but the vast majority on here are happily annihilating her DH for over checking. Perhaps the OP is terrifying and complains at everything if it is not 'just so'. I've known plenty of people like this-both men and women.Theirpartners/families/colleagues are terrified of getting it wrong and are completely panicked about getting it wrong.Perhaps the OP has emasculated him.

@PeggyPorschen and the other posters who have mentioned this.

I used to be the "annoying daughter". My mum would be the same with me. However if I wasn't cooking (not allowed) I had a poor idea of what was needed, and I also struggled to match my common sense to her common sense.
Whenever I tried to make a sensible decision, there was something wrong with it. I suspect imagine a lot of these "useless husband's" are anxiously in the same boat. Cut them some slack, if you send them to the supermarket and they get the "wrong" product then deal with it, or then do it yourself.
If you think your husband is doing it on purpose, really? Not everyone is that horrible or useless. What awful things to say.

@PeggyPorschen

We don’t all live in perfect households with perfect people.

people who don't care about petty details? (or are very clear about them if it's that important)
I agree with you on that one

I agree with you too if I understand your sentiment correctly!

OH is happy enough to do the shopping (he does a lot of the cooking). If there's something I specifically want or don't want then I have to tell him otherwise he'll decide. Usually he gets whatever is cheapest - own brands - as he doesn't think you can tell most of the time. Unless I say go to Tesco/Sainsburys etc he'll go to whatever is convenient for him. Somethings he is fussy about (eg non-bio washing powder and decent quality meat). It can be a surprise checking to see what muesli or cereal he bought.
On the plus side he does tend to turn up now and again with unrequested chocolate/sweets/cake as a surprise for me.

[quote Apple31419]**@PeggyPorschen and the other posters who have mentioned this.

I used to be the "annoying daughter". My mum would be the same with me. However if I wasn't cooking (not allowed) I had a poor idea of what was needed, and I also struggled to match my common sense to her common sense.
Whenever I tried to make a sensible decision, there was something wrong with it. I suspect imagine a lot of these "useless husband's" are anxiously in the same boat. Cut them some slack, if you send them to the supermarket and they get the "wrong" product then deal with it, or then do it yourself.
If you think your husband is doing it on purpose, really? Not everyone is that horrible or useless. What awful things to say.[/quote]
I think you are reading wrong on poster @PeggyPorschen

I think she/he was saying the opposite!

If he gets the 'wrong' stuff' then why not do it yourself. If you moan at him for doing it wrong then that's why he probably needs to phone you

The original post referred to him going to Subway. If he did have to make substitutions but didn't check would OP be happy to eat whatever he brought?

if you send them to the supermarket and they get the "wrong" product then deal with it, or then do it yourself.

well, no, actually I do agree with that.

Some posters might think the exact milk they buy is a very important detail, I don't and completely understand if someone doesn't care and doesn't notice. I just buy the same one by habit and it's saved in my shopping list.

If he gets the 'wrong' stuff' then why not do it yourself
Well @Strictlysilly I doubt many of the posters on here who are moaning that their DHs are unable to shop properly, are sitting at home with their feet up while he runs around the shop.

The attitude of 'it's better if I just do it' infantilises the perpetrators.

@PeggyPorschen

I'd love for him to meal plan for a week! I don't think that would happen in a month of sundays though. He has a limited repertoire...its not that I mind cooking, it's all the thought that goes into it.

There is progress in the kitchen front though, I complained enough about me having to handhold him through cooking that he rarely summons me to 'check it'. The number of pieces of rice and spaghetti I've had to go through however...

It's so so hard though...I can see now how its self-fulfilling. He calls me...whether its completely out of wilful incompetence or a genuine problem, it doesn't matter, because as soon as I'm on the phone (or in the kitchen) I'm helping and accidentally affirming to him that he was correct, he couldn't have done it without me. So the next time, he calls to make sure...and the time after that...

@bigfatliar as it happens I somehow avoided the call from subway! It was just a salad bowl, crisps and a drink though, and I'm reasonably unfussy. If he did substitute then yes I would (and previously have) accepted without complaint! Previous occasions he has said he's picking up lunch after something and came back with subway after I've neglected the phone, so he is capable of deciding without me!