Having to be 'on-call' for a shop visit

[IliveonCoffee]

Is it just me?

My partner seems incapable of going round the shop without a virtual hand hold. Even equipped with a list.

He's just gone round to subway for lunch. Equipped with what I want. 'Keep your phone on you' he says as he departs...

He always has to call, to check something is the right one, to check he has got everything. To ask for substitutes. Somehow he still manages to get the wrong stuff half the time.

I'd get it if he wasn't sure occasionally. But it is every.single.time.

Aibu to expect a grown man to go to the shop alone both physically and virtually? Or is it me...and I should write more comprehensive and intricate list (possibly with pictures), or be ready to escort him verbally through his phone.

Oh sure its usually the woman's fault for being a nag.

@Milkshake7489

How often do you fail to buy what's on a list? Surely it isn't that difficult.

He always has to call, to check something is the right one, to check he has got everything. To ask for substitutes.

To check on substitutes is fair. The rest, if he has been clearly told and there is in reality absolutely no room for error, no. He's just making a passive aggressive point.

I've lived with a couple people like this.

One was because of trauma, their parents used to beat them when they got things wrong so they would always check and double check and triple check because of their in built fear

The other had ADHD and they tried their best and really wanted to get it right but it was just so hard for them. However everything at work was systematic, structured, and concrete so they did great

I wouldn't be answering my phone.

Stop enabling him!

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I do this to my husband, he gives me a list, I’ll phone him to ensure I’ve picked up the correct item

Does the item in your hand match what is on the list? Then it's the right one. If it doesn't match then either look for the right thing or pick an alternative.

He’ll ask for ham. I’ll go to the ham aisle and there’s 16 variations of ham. I’ll phone go check the one he wants as I don’t eat it so don’t know. Same with coffee. I don’t know what he drinks. That good enough for you snippy?

@Oxyiz

Oh sure its usually the woman's fault for being a nag.

Not for being a "nag", no.

But if you want a job done to your exact specifications you do it yourself. If you want someone else to do it then you need to be "on call" or get what you're given.

@2bazookas

why are you colluding with and enabling his pathetic uselessness?

This, for me.

This is the same as the Dairy Milk thread from a few days ago.

Why are men so afraid to make an executive decision?

I have the same, DH is wonderful at doing ‘his share’ of housework, but he has to be told exactly what needs to be done. “I’ll help, just tell me what to do” seems so weird when he runs an entire department for a European bank.

Dh manages well but his problem is impulsive buys. I send him with list of three items he comes back with bag full of food.

Often behaviour like this is the result of having been criticised or told off in the past for getting the "wrong" thing. Have you ever kicked off at him because he bought you a packet of strawberry jelly when you asked for raspberry instead?

Are you the type to moan at him if he comes back with the wrong salad on your subway? Or if something is not in stock at the supermarket, he picks a substitute and it's not one he likes?

I bet the majority of these men know they'll get moaned at if it's not perfect.

Some nice victim blaming on this thread. Based entirely on assumptions about the OP.

How kind. Or maybe not.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks
It's incompetence if a man can't (won't) look at a shopping list, buy the correct items and apply common sense if the exact item isn't there.

For example, shopping list says curry sauce, if a guy comes back with a korma and gets nagged at because he should have realised they always have the branded version tikka masala then I have sympathy for him. Same if he substitutes the branded cereal for a different brand or supermarket own because the usual one isn't in and then gets his ear chewed off for it not being right. If women do this then it's hardly surprising some men give up or ring to check.

However, many of them are just man children. They see curry sauce on the shopping list and instead of buying one they'll call their wives to ask which one, which brand and then two minutes later call up because the list says pasta but which one, does she want shells or tubes, or it will say baby wipes and he'll call again asking which ones. That's deliberately being incompetent and a man child.

@YesItsMeIDontCare getting some shopping or some sandwiches is not brain surgery, the ‘exact specifications’ are easy for anyone not trying to be intentionally incompetent so they never have to do their fair share of chores ever again. Are of that ilk?

I do this when DH wants to cook something specific - I don't cook, hate it and I'm bad at it.
So off I go with a list - and yes, you either have 16 different varieties of the same bloody thing, or they don't have exactly what you want so I have to call because I don't cook therefore have no clue what to use as an alternative.

Or DH shops with a list and will not deviate from the list even if he knows deep down that we need something. If it's not on the list it's not being bought.

We are a right treat

@DryRoastPeanut

This is the same as the Dairy Milk thread from a few days ago.

Why are men so afraid to make an executive decision?

I have the same, DH is wonderful at doing ‘his share’ of housework, but he has to be told exactly what needs to be done. “I’ll help, just tell me what to do” seems so weird when he runs an entire department for a European bank.

What a load of rubbish - I would imagine many men (the majority?) aren't "afraid to make an executive decision". My DH goes shopping, we both write on the list, he makes decisions, adds things, can perfectly well do substitutions and he does most of the cooking at home too.

Please do not attribute this to 'menhood' in general. Many women just seem to have useless partners.

I need to be on call when my DH kindly goes to the shops for me. He needs a list because he doesn't concentrate and will have forgotten by the time he gets to the shop. He is totally puddled and tends to not read the food labels properly. He grabs the first thing on the shelf that looks about right. If the colour is right then that will do as far as he is concerned. Our 11 year old cat will often end up with kitten food. Ribena is often substituted with Vimto 😑 strawberry jam will become raspberry jam etc.
He's been sending me WhatsApp photos of the shopping for me to vet before he pays which has helped a great deal.
He doesn't do it on purpose - he's just not a details man. TBH it's quite endearing. Me and our DDs have bets on what he will come home with. Apart from that he's lovely

I do this. And it’s usually because I want to know I’ve got the correct item or a substitute the person will like. Something simple as getting lunch, if they say they want ready salted I’ll also ask for back up choices in case they don’t have it. But if I’ve been told pick up x y z and the shop has those items
Then I don’t ring to check as I know they’re correct. I think it’s a little quirk of mine but also relates to my anxiety and fear of disappointing people. Have you ever thought your partner is the same? Hardly fair to label someone useless as many have on this thread.

Before Covid when shopping after work it often used to amuse me to overhear men talking to their partners about what to get. “ They don’t have that bread what shall I get?” Etc. I sometimes imagined the wife/ partner on the other end with a baby, toddlers maybe school kids trying to get homework, fed, bathed and bed getting stupid questions from men that looked like might manage going to work, maybe management( smart suits) etc.

This was one thing that evolved with mobile phones before that they just bought the nearest, similar thing!

Mine is the same, but I think he simply doesn’t want to get anything wrong

Often behaviour like this is the result of having been criticised or told off in the past for getting the "wrong" thing. Have you ever kicked off at him because he bought you a packet of strawberry jelly when you asked for raspberry instead?

Are you the type to moan at him if he comes back with the wrong salad on your subway? Or if something is not in stock at the supermarket, he picks a substitute and it's not one he likes?

Except, why is making this kind of mistake okay? If they had no strawberry jam so he chose raspberry as a replacement when you would have chosen blueberry, then yes, the person complaining is the problem. But if strawberry jam is on the list and he returns with raspberry jam, then I think that's a problem (unless, secretly, DH prefers raspberry and you usually refuse to buy it).

Ditto with an order. If I order a blue cheese burger and DH orders me a regular cheese burger I would maintain the right to be annoyed that I didn't get what I asked for. If they had no blue cheese and so he decided regular cheese would do when actually I'd have probably swapped for a mushroom burger, then I have no right to be cross as clearly he's not a mind reader.

And that applies for pretty much everything. I could accept DH not being sure exactly which sanpro to buy because he doesn't ever use them, they're not in the kitchen 24/7 etc, but chopped tomatoes are not the same as whole plum tomatoes and I'd expect him to buy chopped tomatoes. On things we use a lot as a family, eg peanut butter, I'd also expect him to get the brands right eg not buy peanut butter with added sugar as that's not something we've bought in 10 years.

Frankly OP, your husband is applying a very sneaky approach here. He is making it YOUR fault that he is incompetent

When you say he gets the wrong stuff half the time, do you mean sugar was on the list and he got sweetener, or he got sugar but the not the brand you like?

I’m thinking he’s either a bit useless and you need to let him get on without you so he can stop relying on you, or you are overly picky and he has learnt to double check everything with you to avoid being criticised.

I need to be on call when my DH kindly goes to the shops for me. He needs a list because he doesn't concentrate and will have forgotten by the time he gets to the shop. He is totally puddled and tends to not read the food labels properly. He grabs the first thing on the shelf that looks about right. If the colour is right then that will do as far as he is concerned. Our 11 year old cat will often end up with kitten food. Ribena is often substituted with Vimto 😑 strawberry jam will become raspberry jam etc.

@notangelinajolie That would drive me mad. It's not being 'not a details man' it's being lazy and inconsiderate. I bet he never comes back with Red Stripe instead of Stella, or Echo Falls red instead of his Argentinian Malbec.

Not being a details person is not an excuse to refuse to take care, or read labels, or care about what other people need/ want.

I’ll help, just tell me what to do
He needs to get out of that mindset. 'Helping' no just doing his fair share. A bit like when people talk about babysitting their own children.

OP, yanbu. I do wonder how some people coped before the era of mobile phones. Did they nip out to the nearest telephone box to check if they should buy one pint of milk or two?

It's even more annoying at present, when we are supposed to be try not to dawdle in shops, to see someone having to have a full blown discussion (either as a couple, in the shop, or on the phone) about something earth shattering like what bread to buy.

My husband's the opposite, he confidently heads off to do the shopping and loves it....unfortunately he seems to have forgotten that our kids have moved out and it's just the two of us. He comes back with mountains of fresh fruit and veg coupled with huge cuts of meat, all of which only have a few days to be consumed. Shan't grumble though - saves me going shopping...usually for a few months with the amount he buys!

I try not to complain if it's not quite the right brand or type, but I do get frustrated when common sense isn't applied to substitutes.

He doesn't try and remember what I want it for, or what's in the house. So if I say, get a nice baguette for sausage rolls for lunch, then if they don't have any...he'll pick up a loaf of (normal) bread.

I suppose I probably encourage it in some ways... as when I do answer, inevitably I end up almost dictating what I want as if I was there. Eg. Curry sauce - if he just picked one any would be fine. But as he's called, I'll confirm what's on offer, discuss what one we fancy. And then, once he's called I'm accompanying him round the shop, so I get a running commentary of the cheeses, the milks, the chocolate.

But then he gets annoyed if I say 'just pick one!!'