Having to be 'on-call' for a shop visit

[IliveonCoffee]

Is it just me?

My partner seems incapable of going round the shop without a virtual hand hold. Even equipped with a list.

He's just gone round to subway for lunch. Equipped with what I want. 'Keep your phone on you' he says as he departs...

He always has to call, to check something is the right one, to check he has got everything. To ask for substitutes. Somehow he still manages to get the wrong stuff half the time.

I'd get it if he wasn't sure occasionally. But it is every.single.time.

Aibu to expect a grown man to go to the shop alone both physically and virtually? Or is it me...and I should write more comprehensive and intricate list (possibly with pictures), or be ready to escort him verbally through his phone.

Please do not attribute this to 'menhood' in general. Many women just seem to have useless partners
This.
I need to be on call when my DH kindly goes to the shops for me. He needs a list because he doesn't concentrate and will have forgotten by the time he gets to the shop. He is totally puddled and tends to not read the food labels properly. He grabs the first thing on the shelf that looks about right
Easily solved by knowing he is forgetful and deciding to make a list and read the labels.

He doesn't do it on purpose - he's just not a details man
Does he put wrong orders in at work? Or prepare PowerPoints on the wrong topic for meetings? When he is out with his mates would he totally ignore what his mates are drinking in a round because he isn't a details man and if it's the right sort of colour in a pint glass then that's good enough?
I doubt it.

Most of these men who 'don't notice mess' / 'don't notice laundry'/ 'aren't details men' seem to only have this issue regarding childcare and domestic tasks.

My DH is disabled so couldn't do the shopping but back in the day when he could I always tried to do the shopping and if possible do it alone. We'd be bankrupt if he did the shopping every week. He's like a kid in a sweet shop when let lose.

He doesn't do it on purpose - he's just not a details man. TBH it's quite endearing.

Jesus. Raise your standards!

@SpaceOP

Often behaviour like this is the result of having been criticised or told off in the past for getting the "wrong" thing. Have you ever kicked off at him because he bought you a packet of strawberry jelly when you asked for raspberry instead?

Are you the type to moan at him if he comes back with the wrong salad on your subway? Or if something is not in stock at the supermarket, he picks a substitute and it's not one he likes?

Except, why is making this kind of mistake okay? If they had no strawberry jam so he chose raspberry as a replacement when you would have chosen blueberry, then yes, the person complaining is the problem. But if strawberry jam is on the list and he returns with raspberry jam, then I think that's a problem (unless, secretly, DH prefers raspberry and you usually refuse to buy it).

Ditto with an order. If I order a blue cheese burger and DH orders me a regular cheese burger I would maintain the right to be annoyed that I didn't get what I asked for. If they had no blue cheese and so he decided regular cheese would do when actually I'd have probably swapped for a mushroom burger, then I have no right to be cross as clearly he's not a mind reader.

And that applies for pretty much everything. I could accept DH not being sure exactly which sanpro to buy because he doesn't ever use them, they're not in the kitchen 24/7 etc, but chopped tomatoes are not the same as whole plum tomatoes and I'd expect him to buy chopped tomatoes. On things we use a lot as a family, eg peanut butter, I'd also expect him to get the brands right eg not buy peanut butter with added sugar as that's not something we've bought in 10 years.

Frankly OP, your husband is applying a very sneaky approach here. He is making it YOUR fault that he is incompetent

I agree with you, but not everything thinks the same way! My DM for instance - my stepdad can't do right for doing wrong when it comes to gifts, shopping etc. The amount of times she exchanges gifts, which whilst are in the right ball park are not the exact one she wanted, or moans about some day to day item being the wrong one or not her favourite.

Regardless, would like to hear from OP as to whether they are the type to complain if something is wrong.

@notangelinajolie

I need to be on call when my DH kindly goes to the shops for me. He needs a list because he doesn't concentrate and will have forgotten by the time he gets to the shop. He is totally puddled and tends to not read the food labels properly. He grabs the first thing on the shelf that looks about right. If the colour is right then that will do as far as he is concerned. Our 11 year old cat will often end up with kitten food. Ribena is often substituted with Vimto 😑 strawberry jam will become raspberry jam etc. He's been sending me WhatsApp photos of the shopping for me to vet before he pays which has helped a great deal. He doesn't do it on purpose - he's just not a details man. TBH it's quite endearing. Me and our DDs have bets on what he will come home with. Apart from that he's lovely

I would really really not want to be in a queue behind him, especially in the current climate.

Does he hold down a job?

I'm with @Chocolatepanettone. DH has always done some, but since march he has been the main shopper at the local shops, even at the start of Lockdown1 when it was a case of thinking on the fly to put a meal together from what was on the shelves.

OP is it because if he gets it wrong you'll shout at him, so he feels that he has to check and double-check?

I prefer Vimto to Ribena

Watch Jeanne Roberson. This woman explains it perfectly.

Wait, what's wrong with a normal loaf of bread as a sub for baguettes? It's still bread! I was with you until you gave that example. If I went shopping and there were no baguettes and my goal was to make sausage sandwiches, I'd buy a loaf of bread too, and if my DH got annoyed with me over that he'd get an earful!

Except, why is making this kind of mistake okay?

People make mistakes sometimes?
If someone was having a go because I brought plum tomatoes instead of chopped they can do their own shopping

Mine does this too. He asks me what we need then calls when he gets there to ask again. It's incredibly frustrating having to repeat myself. Whatsmore, if i remember something else we need he doesnt answer his phone...This post has made me realise he needs to write a list.

We'd be bankrupt if he did the shopping every week. He's like a kid in a sweet shop when let lose

Yep, with £35 I can buy loads from Aldi, lasts over a week. Send him off and he goes to Waitrose and picks up 2 pieces of fish at £9.00 each plus other expensive unnecessary shite that last less than two days.

Stop answering the phone! It's not difficult. You're enabling his incompetence!

@Yippeeforme it's more the inability to be aware of the current bread situation...so if there's plentiful bread in the house, you'd just come back without anything, explaining, they had no baguettesit works both ways though...inevitably the time we have no bread he comes back empty handed saying they didn't have one and he didn't know what to get.

.... its not the greatest example I suppose...unfortunately for the purposes of those thread there hasn't been any particularly memorable substitutes, ive always tried to make do and adapt, rather than declare the offerings as inadequate...unless you count elmlea as double cream but that's could be a whole other thread as to if there is/isnt a difference!

Yes. He'd call and rustle a packet next to the phone, not with the camera on, just speaking. "Are these the right ones?" One of ten million tiny reasons I'm happy he's now my ex.

But the "check which type of ham/coffee" example doesn't need to be dealt with over the phone from the store. If the list writer wants a specific type of ham, then that should be put on the list. Otherwise, anything goes as far as I'm concerned.

@Spiderbaby8

Except, why is making this kind of mistake okay?

People make mistakes sometimes?
If someone was having a go because I brought plum tomatoes instead of chopped they can do their own shopping

Sure, as a once off. I once accidentally bought 3 bottles of olive oil over the space of a week. But someone who consistently can't get the family's shopping right is annoying.

""He always has to call ... Somehow he still manages to get the wrong stuff half the time ... it is every.single.time.

I would be so pissed off with that. There's a name for it, isn't there? "Strategic Incompetence". It's a passive-aggressive way of manipulating you to not ask his to do any shopping.

Because what SHOULD happen is he does the shopping and as soon as he's out the door, you forget about it and get on with something else. But what DOES happen is you are still carrying the mental load of the task, being phoned and checked with and queried, and thinking you "should write more comprehensive and intricate list''. It would be easier to just do it yourself, right? You even said it in a later post - "there is definitely an element of him thinking I should just go on my own...and therefore I should still have to be involved as I made him go in my place...."

Honestly, I would rip him a new one for being so fucking DISRESPECTFUL of me to pull this shit. At the very least, I would tell him that I recognise his behaviour as Strategic Incompetence and knowing that he is doing this to me makes me respect him a little bit less and I think you're an arsehole.

GeorgiaGirl52

Thank you for that

Laughed so hard !!! Particularly the bit where he realised and carried on anyway

Exdh used to do this. I lost my rag with him once when he was still by the magazines at the beginning of tesco and had phoned to see what beans we had. I screamed at him to stop being a dick and hung up. He knows what beans we have. Drives me bonkers when you just want 5 mins peace.

Mine knows he'll be in trouble if he comes back with the wrong thing, so better he checks

Wait, what's wrong with a normal loaf of bread as a sub for baguettes? It's still bread! I was with you until you gave that example. If I went shopping and there were no baguettes and my goal was to make sausage sandwiches, I'd buy a loaf of bread too, and if my DH got annoyed with me over that he'd get an earful!
See to me swapping a baguette for a loaf of bread is not using common sense.
A baguette would be swapped for some other form of crusty roll (either round or long).

I'd not give an earful, but thankfully my DH is capable of doing a weekly food shop and even manages something unheard of on mumsnet: when he does the shop, he opens the cupboards himself, makes a list, asks if there's anything specific I want adding and then does the shopping all by himself.

I've lived with dp only six months and I know exactly what coffee he'd want, he knows what bacon to buy me.

But if I fancy maple bacon I'll tell him in advance of him going to shops. If they don't have it he won't ring me he'll use his judgement and come home and say 'no maple bacon but got you this bacon instead' and I'll say 'excellent thanks'.

How are these men so incompetent?!

@contrmary

Often behaviour like this is the result of having been criticised or told off in the past for getting the "wrong" thing. Have you ever kicked off at him because he bought you a packet of strawberry jelly when you asked for raspberry instead?

^this.

It is often a sign of severe anxiety too - and a serious lack of self esteem. Instead of slagging him off think about why he might do it. If you are this pissy with him IRL no wonder he is wary of getting stuff wrong.