To not feel guilty for marrying an older guy.

[Nafgdok]

Just need to rant to my fellow MN'ers after having words with my DH tonight 😤. Name changed just in case.
Bit of back story and it's a bit of a long one, sorry...

My ex was 19 years older than me. We met when I was 22 (he was my boss). He'd been divorced for about 10 years when we met. He had 2 teenage DC that I had a good relationship with. We never had DC together and divorced 6 years ago - it wasn't amicable but that's irrelevant to this post.

My new husband I met 4.5 years ago on ID, married 18 months now (he has 2 grown up DC from his 1st marriage - again I have a good relationship with them). He actually love bombed me when we first met although I didn't realise it was a thing at the time - I guess I was flattered. Anyway he moved in to my house pretty quick and I had a few reservations but kept dismissing them. To be fair 90% of the time we have a great life but every now and again if we discuss our pasts he has to have a knock about me having had an easy life and almost but not quite calling me a gold digger for marrying an older guy.

He's done it again tonight and I'm really upset... We were discussing pensions earlier this evening and i mentioned about the government increasing the age to 57 in 2028 before you can access your private pensions. There was a bit of banter and then I mentioned how hard the younger generation had it these days and that they'll probably be working until they're in their 70's. He said, but I'd had an easy start in life and then started ranting how he's sick of women like me (a couple of his ex girlfriends were childless) who chose not to have DC thinking they're better than every one else. I think he thought I was having a dig at his DC as I mentioned it wouldn't effect them as neither have made any pension provisions anyway. I was furious and again tried explaining that I hadn't had it easy blah blah blah.

It wasn't easy by any means and I've always worked full time so resent him saying this. I've explained this to him but it's really starting to annoy me that he's soo petty minded about it all. It's almost as if he's trying to make me feel like he's morally superior to me because of my past - like it's something I should be ashamed of. I've been brooding on it for hours now. I had to go out to work and he texted he was sorry for snapping. I texted back I'm sorry too but feel like telling him to sling his hook or AIBU?
I know I won't LTB as I said, 90% of the time all's fine but I need him to just stop being a twat - again AIBU?

Wow he is a massive sexist twat. How dare he use your first marriage as a stick to beat you with and imply you are lazy and childless just for money. You said you wont LTB but i would be wary of someone who has such a low opinion of you as a person.

YANBU
He married you knowing this, so I don't understand his problem.

Is he judging you for marrying your older boss and perhaps thinks you got a good settlement out of the divorce?

Tell him you don't want to hear him saying anything about you marrying an older man again.

Your husband is a vile, misogynistic arsehole. Is he really someone you want to spend your life with? He has been crystal clear as to how he feels about "women like you." He sees you as nothing more than a gold digging hanger-on.

Raise your standards.

Well he doesnt like you, so that's hard.to come back from. Are you sure he's fine 90% of the time? I'd say theres a whole lot more simmering resentment behind that. No way did that come.out of the blue from nowhere

He doesn’t like women very much, does he?

I don’t know what’s fixable about that.

@Shaniac

Wow he is a massive sexist twat. How dare he use your first marriage as a stick to beat you with and imply you are lazy and childless just for money. You said you wont LTB but i would be wary of someone who has such a low opinion of you as a person.

This

If he is so sick of women like you....
tell him to get lost and get the fuck out of your house.

He love bombed you, you had reservations and he is living in your house that you presumably have cos you paid for it by working full time. Does he pay his fair share?
What’s so good 90% of the time?

Do you want children?

If so, dont do it with him

If he is so sick of women like you....
tell him to get lost and get the fuck out of your house.

This!

Sexist idiot who looks down on you. He'll bring this up throughout your marriage. Depends on whether you can take this or not, as to whether your marriage will last.

He doesn't like women very much, does he? Even if you did have an easy life it's none of his business, neither is it a stick to beat you with. He also lacks manners. He's 'sick of women like you', bet he didn't tell you this before you married him.

This man is an ill-mannered oaf, saying he's good 90% of the time means nothing. You can't break life down into percentages like that. He is who he is. If someone is being offensive in a way that upsets you, it isn't cancelled out just because they're ok sometimes.

Does he even like you as a person or want the marriage to last? How spiteful to keep bringing up your ex.

Good luck.

How old are you? Do you want children?
No wait, it doesn't matter. Tell him to get out of your house. You deserve so much more than this loser, what a knob.

Personally I’d get legal advice and look to LTB.

So he’s accusing you of being a gold digger for marrying an older man previously... aaand he’s moved into your house.

Does he contribute equally to all expenses?

He sounds like he’s projecting. He’s living in your house, married you superfast so looking to stake a claim on your assets.

I’d be getting a shot hot lawyer and kicking him out, before the marriage becomes long term and you’ve spent years being told you’re a gold digger.

"I want to be clear on me saying 'I'm sorry' earlier. What I mean is that I am sorry I married someone who is so cruel and sexist. Who, on the one hand, implies that I am a gold digger and on the other, conveniently forgets that they moved into my home as soon as they could without acknowledging the work and money I have put into it. Who saw me as an opportunity and not a true, equal and respectful partner. Without women like me, who you freely admit that you hate, you would have nowhere to live. I am sorry. Very sorry, for ever giving you the time of day"

"Anyway he moved in to my house pretty quick and I had a few reservations but kept dismissing them. ... and almost but not quite calling me a gold digger for marrying an older guy. ... and then started ranting how he's sick of women like me (a couple of his ex girlfriends were childless) who chose not to have DC thinking they're better than every one else."

This is what you've said about him, I've just dropped out some of the other details. Side by side, it makes his attitude to women pretty fucking clear. He despises us. He thinks we are only good for having men's children, women who don't are uppity bitches. When he says "thinking they're better than every one else" I suspect what he really means is "thinking they're better than every other woman and equal to men".

And yes, he does think you're a gold digger, there's no 'almost' about it. Which is why he has no qualms about cocklodging you (the male equivalent to gold digging) because he sees anything you own as really belonging to another man, your first husband, and so he's happy to annexe it to his own use. What reservations did you have, the ones you kept dismissing?

"I know I won't LTB as I said, 90% of the time all's fine but I need him to just stop being a twat - again AIBU?"
If your health was 90% fine but you were in pain 10% of the time, would you dismiss the idea of going to the doctor to find out what was causing the pain and having it treated? Because that's how you're treating your marriage. It's a pretty low bar you're setting. And what if that 90% drops to 80%? 70%? 60%? What's your threshold of how much open contempt you're willing to accept?

He won't stop being a twat - this is who he is. The 'honeymoon period' where people can pretend to be better/nicer etc. than they really are is over, you are now seeing the real him. Even if he managed to not say this shit, he'd still be thinking it. Is that acceptable to you - covert contempt rather than open contempt?

I really think you need to have a good long think about those reservations you had a the start. I'd bet money those reservations were valid then, and still are. And also, have a think about why you're willing to put up with this. Maybe your first divorce was so bruising you don't think you could face another one, but it could just as easily be easier second time around.

Did he lose his house in the divorce?
Did you get your house out of your divorce?
Is he bitter as a result?
Not saying that is any excuse.

I have read this thread a few times and come to the conclusion that he is jealous of you. I suppose he feels that it should be him with the house and not you. So he's not only jealous but he's a misogynist as well.
He's not a keeper

He sounds like he’s projecting. He’s living in your house, married you superfast so looking to stake a claim on your assets

I’d be getting a shit hot lawyer and kicking him out, before the marriage becomes long term and you’ve spent years being told you’re a gold digger

What frazzle said

OP it's up to you to take this advice or not, of course. But 100% certain - He will stake a claim on your assets as your husband. Anger, jealousy and 'Im The Man' will come into play. The longer he's there, the stronger his claim. He isn't even hiding his contempt of you. So it's something to bear in mind; how you'll feel if this uncouth man, who lovebombed you for gain, benefits from you.

You won't die for lack of him.

It doesn't sound good. Not something that's likely to get better with time. What is his problem with women not having children?

@DeeCeeCherry

He sounds like he’s projecting. He’s living in your house, married you superfast so looking to stake a claim on your assets

I’d be getting a shit hot lawyer and kicking him out, before the marriage becomes long term and you’ve spent years being told you’re a gold digger

What frazzle said

OP it's up to you to take this advice or not, of course. But 100% certain - He will stake a claim on your assets as your husband. Anger, jealousy and 'Im The Man' will come into play. The longer he's there, the stronger his claim. He isn't even hiding his contempt of you. So it's something to bear in mind; how you'll feel if this uncouth man, who lovebombed you for gain, benefits from you.

You won't die for lack of him.

This. I know you said you won’t do it. But he is verbally abusive all while feathering his nest for retirement and will leave you in a far worse position financially. Taking half of what is yours. Those kids he loves so much and don’t have a pension... they won’t need it. They’ll be inheriting half your house after all.

@WhereYouLeftIt

"Anyway he moved in to my house pretty quick and I had a few reservations but kept dismissing them. ... and almost but not quite calling me a gold digger for marrying an older guy. ... and then started ranting how he's sick of women like me (a couple of his ex girlfriends were childless) who chose not to have DC thinking they're better than every one else."

This is what you've said about him, I've just dropped out some of the other details. Side by side, it makes his attitude to women pretty fucking clear. He despises us. He thinks we are only good for having men's children, women who don't are uppity bitches. When he says "thinking they're better than every one else" I suspect what he really means is "thinking they're better than every other woman and equal to men".

And yes, he does think you're a gold digger, there's no 'almost' about it. Which is why he has no qualms about cocklodging you (the male equivalent to gold digging) because he sees anything you own as really belonging to another man, your first husband, and so he's happy to annexe it to his own use. What reservations did you have, the ones you kept dismissing?

"I know I won't LTB as I said, 90% of the time all's fine but I need him to just stop being a twat - again AIBU?"
If your health was 90% fine but you were in pain 10% of the time, would you dismiss the idea of going to the doctor to find out what was causing the pain and having it treated? Because that's how you're treating your marriage. It's a pretty low bar you're setting. And what if that 90% drops to 80%? 70%? 60%? What's your threshold of how much open contempt you're willing to accept?

He won't stop being a twat - this is who he is. The 'honeymoon period' where people can pretend to be better/nicer etc. than they really are is over, you are now seeing the real him. Even if he managed to not say this shit, he'd still be thinking it. Is that acceptable to you - covert contempt rather than open contempt?

I really think you need to have a good long think about those reservations you had a the start. I'd bet money those reservations were valid then, and still are. And also, have a think about why you're willing to put up with this. Maybe your first divorce was so bruising you don't think you could face another one, but it could just as easily be easier second time around.

I’m quoting the above post and I am sorry it is so long. I can’t edit it because every paragraph is important.

And absolutely spot on.

You’re choosing to stay with him so you put up with it. No one changes.

It’s only good 90% of the time?

It's your house, so you're right - you won't LTB.
You do have the right to kick the cheeky fucker out of your house.
If anyone is a gold-digger it's him.

The love bombing at the beginning makes me think he thought he was onto a good thing with you, the childless divorcee with a good settlement who's the gold digger here? so he got his claws in quickly and married you.

Now he cannot keep up the pretence any longer, so his true attitudes are coming out.

I'd divorce him. He sounds awful. You don't need him.