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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not feel guilty for marrying an older guy.

117 replies

Nafgdok · 11/11/2020 00:11

Just need to rant to my fellow MN'ers after having words with my DH tonight 😤. Name changed just in case.
Bit of back story and it's a bit of a long one, sorry...

My ex was 19 years older than me. We met when I was 22 (he was my boss). He'd been divorced for about 10 years when we met. He had 2 teenage DC that I had a good relationship with. We never had DC together and divorced 6 years ago - it wasn't amicable but that's irrelevant to this post.

My new husband I met 4.5 years ago on ID, married 18 months now (he has 2 grown up DC from his 1st marriage - again I have a good relationship with them). He actually love bombed me when we first met although I didn't realise it was a thing at the time - I guess I was flattered. Anyway he moved in to my house pretty quick and I had a few reservations but kept dismissing them. To be fair 90% of the time we have a great life but every now and again if we discuss our pasts he has to have a knock about me having had an easy life and almost but not quite calling me a gold digger for marrying an older guy.

He's done it again tonight and I'm really upset... We were discussing pensions earlier this evening and i mentioned about the government increasing the age to 57 in 2028 before you can access your private pensions. There was a bit of banter and then I mentioned how hard the younger generation had it these days and that they'll probably be working until they're in their 70's. He said, but I'd had an easy start in life and then started ranting how he's sick of women like me (a couple of his ex girlfriends were childless) who chose not to have DC thinking they're better than every one else. I think he thought I was having a dig at his DC as I mentioned it wouldn't effect them as neither have made any pension provisions anyway. I was furious and again tried explaining that I hadn't had it easy blah blah blah.

It wasn't easy by any means and I've always worked full time so resent him saying this. I've explained this to him but it's really starting to annoy me that he's soo petty minded about it all. It's almost as if he's trying to make me feel like he's morally superior to me because of my past - like it's something I should be ashamed of. I've been brooding on it for hours now. I had to go out to work and he texted he was sorry for snapping. I texted back I'm sorry too but feel like telling him to sling his hook or AIBU?
I know I won't LTB as I said, 90% of the time all's fine but I need him to just stop being a twat - again AIBU?

OP posts:

PilatesPeach · 11/11/2020 10:23

He's is a knobhead - but you know that already OP.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 11/11/2020 10:27

He's a bellend. I married a man who was 22 years older than me - I married him because I loved him (he was as skint as I was!) and we never had any unpleasant conversations about our motivations for marriage. He had as much agency as you in choosing to get married so if he felt like that, why did he bother? And if the better off financial situation was yours, he makes even less sense. His age is no excuse for his twatty behaviour.

RealBecca · 11/11/2020 10:27

Sounds like he's insecure as well that your ex earned more than him

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 11/11/2020 10:32

Sorry OP i misread the original post (distracted by Tesco delivery!) - but my point still stands with regard to agency. Marrying an older man is not always about money, and your DH is being a twat if he is attaching any judgment to you not having children or for marrying someone older.

AryaStarkWolf · 11/11/2020 10:32

He actually said "women like you" wtaf?? I would be livid, how fucking dare he

formerbabe · 11/11/2020 10:37

I really hate the term 'gold digger'. I've noticed more and more men seem to be using it nowadays as a stick to beat women with. They have changed the meaning so it now essentially translates to a man saying that if a,woman expects a single thing from them, she's a gold digger and unless she's prepared to provide everything they need, then she's unreasonable.

TuesdaysWell · 11/11/2020 10:43

Your former husband (and his age) aren’t the issue, OP, as you’re entirely aware. Your current husband is. And it sounds to me as if it’s about his own insecurities around the financial side of divorce with children. But also, he’s a misogynistic pig.

CleverCatty · 11/11/2020 10:47

@formerbabe

This is interesting as a few years ago I had a close friend who was referred to by a friend of her boyfriend at the time as a 'gold digger'. I think this woman liked men who had a certain income and she certainly expected a certain lifestyle, she told me this and even her current SO whom she has a DC with told her she was a 'gold digger'. Still they've been together about 15 years now so can't be that bad eh?!

OP - you won't leave this man but he is emotionally abusive and I think you're kidding yourself that 90% life is perfect with him.

Sadly it will only get worse and he will use this as a stick to beat you with more and more.

If you're brave enough to walk away from an 18 month old marriage then honestly this would be best but you're sticking with him so good luck with that!

LilyLongJohn · 11/11/2020 10:51

Be very careful here op. Give it a few years and he'll be able to claim 50% if your house AND your pension. I'm presuming you were discussing pensions and he's figured out yours is a good one and he's got fuck all (I'm presuming this), abs this is what triggered his comments.

I'd say it's him that's the gold digger here op.

toconclude · 11/11/2020 10:56

@Muzzyarkerso you think this man is ok saying what he did? You have the problem here, mate

Original poster

Nafgdok · 11/11/2020 11:00

I've hardly slept all night. You're all absolutely right I can't get past his rant. He's got to go hasn't he!
I didn't want to explain all this but just to clarify... My first marriage lasted 28 years. He got the house, his pension and half the savings. I walked away with the equivalent in cash although I had to fight to get it as he initially transferred all our joint savings to his own account and locked me out of our house with just the clothes on my back. I had to borrow clothes of a mate. I was sofa surfing and then renting for 12 months before the divorce was finalized.
I'm too old for DC now but actually no regrets about that.

OP posts:

SlipperTripper · 11/11/2020 11:08

My husband is 19 years older than me, and this argument has always pissed me off.

We earn the same (I actually earn slightly more), pay the same into our home, and whilst his pension is larger than mine (obviously), I have considerably more savings. I also don't have two children who would inherit.

If someone were to marry me, they would come away considerably better off in the case of a divorce than I would if I were to divorce him.

They also wouldn't have the costs of two children to bear (I pay for half the children's outgoings, they live with us and we have full custody), and they wouldn't have a pain in the arse ex-wife sticking her nose in left, right and centre.

I had the accusation of gold digger from a couple of individuals when we met. Nothing gave me greater pleasure than breaking down our situation and watching the backtrack. Your husband is being a dickhead.

formerbabe · 11/11/2020 11:10

There's a brilliant meme about this I saw once, says something like...

Stop calling women gold diggers
You ain't got shit

DontCryForMeNextdoorNeighbour · 11/11/2020 11:11

I would struggle to stay with a partner who apparently has zero respect for me.

grapewine · 11/11/2020 11:22

You've been through the wringer once. Get him out. No more sleepless nights on account of his sexist rants.

curiouslypacific · 11/11/2020 11:39

He's projecting. He can't fathom that other people don't have the same world view and motivations as him and that they might marry for reasons other than money. I'd be very wary of this one OP, especially if you brought more assets to the table, particularly now you recognise he lovebombed you and overrode your boundaries early on.

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 11/11/2020 12:04

@curiouslypacific

I think the same as this poster. The fact he got his feet under the your table so quickly despite your reservations would worry me.

Feedingthebirds1 · 11/11/2020 12:10

So he moved into your house (and pretty darned quick), but you're the gold digger....

Hmmm.

DeeCeeCherry · 11/11/2020 12:33

My sister bought her own home aged 30. Got married at 36, sold her house and moved away with her husband. He didn't own a house. They bought a home jointly. She's always had savings and she's a very shrewd businesswoman.

2 of her husband's friends sat him down seriously to ask 'What has your wife brought to the table?'.

Stupid, misogynistic dickheads.

What is this with gold-less men who think every woman is out to get a man's money and can't function for themselves? 'Gold-digger' is such a disrespectful term I think I'd be shrivel and be drier than the Sahara if the man I'm with called me that. I just can't get past that a woman would sleep with a man who holds her in contempt but is 'ok sometimes' because it benefits him conveniently and financially

ShebaShimmyShake · 11/11/2020 12:37

@formerbabe

There's a brilliant meme about this I saw once, says something like...

Stop calling women gold diggers
You ain't got shit

I like that.

Sloth66 · 11/11/2020 12:49

So basically, he doesn’t like women. How dare he talk to you like that.
And far from you being a gold digger, he sounds like a cocklodger.
Honestly, this sounds bad.

CleverCatty · 11/11/2020 14:18

@Nafgdok

I've hardly slept all night. You're all absolutely right I can't get past his rant. He's got to go hasn't he! I didn't want to explain all this but just to clarify... My first marriage lasted 28 years. He got the house, his pension and half the savings. I walked away with the equivalent in cash although I had to fight to get it as he initially transferred all our joint savings to his own account and locked me out of our house with just the clothes on my back. I had to borrow clothes of a mate. I was sofa surfing and then renting for 12 months before the divorce was finalized. I'm too old for DC now but actually no regrets about that.

That's not a great divorce settlement - but hey - no DC - so there you go.

It isn't too late to adopt DC or have them via donor eggs depending on your age.

I can quite understand with the nightmare of your first divorce why you wouldn't like to do it again but please please do. This man sounds like an utter scumbag and I don't say these things lightly. I also worked in a legal office where we dealt with matrimony cases.

CleverCatty · 11/11/2020 14:22

I'm not quite sure how you could do this but could you transfer anything into your own name?

Please, please though get cracking on a divorce ASAP - the longer you leave it - the more this cock lodger/gold-digger will be entitled to something. Is the house in your name? Joint tenants/tenants in common? in this scenario I'd have opted for a pre-nup before you got married although there's sometimes not great cases for these being valid in law.

honeylulu · 11/11/2020 14:26

@CleverCatty

He got the house, his pension and half the savings. I walked away with the equivalent in cash

I don't think that's a bad settlement. If she means she got the cash equivalent to what he kept, that's 50/50 isn't it?

billy1966 · 11/11/2020 14:40

OP,

He's a nasty piece of work who has shown you EXACTLY what he thinks of you and EXACTLY who he is.

Please listen.

I would not trust a man like this.

I don't think you know him at ALL.

Be careful.
Check out your position quietly.

He doesn't like you.
He certainly doesn't love you.
He couldn't love you and come out with that shit.
Be very careful.

I think you have been played.

Why were you love bonbed, rushed into marriage by someone who views you poorly?

He's not a good man.

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