To not feel guilty for marrying an older guy.

[Nafgdok]

Just need to rant to my fellow MN'ers after having words with my DH tonight 😤. Name changed just in case.
Bit of back story and it's a bit of a long one, sorry...

My ex was 19 years older than me. We met when I was 22 (he was my boss). He'd been divorced for about 10 years when we met. He had 2 teenage DC that I had a good relationship with. We never had DC together and divorced 6 years ago - it wasn't amicable but that's irrelevant to this post.

My new husband I met 4.5 years ago on ID, married 18 months now (he has 2 grown up DC from his 1st marriage - again I have a good relationship with them). He actually love bombed me when we first met although I didn't realise it was a thing at the time - I guess I was flattered. Anyway he moved in to my house pretty quick and I had a few reservations but kept dismissing them. To be fair 90% of the time we have a great life but every now and again if we discuss our pasts he has to have a knock about me having had an easy life and almost but not quite calling me a gold digger for marrying an older guy.

He's done it again tonight and I'm really upset... We were discussing pensions earlier this evening and i mentioned about the government increasing the age to 57 in 2028 before you can access your private pensions. There was a bit of banter and then I mentioned how hard the younger generation had it these days and that they'll probably be working until they're in their 70's. He said, but I'd had an easy start in life and then started ranting how he's sick of women like me (a couple of his ex girlfriends were childless) who chose not to have DC thinking they're better than every one else. I think he thought I was having a dig at his DC as I mentioned it wouldn't effect them as neither have made any pension provisions anyway. I was furious and again tried explaining that I hadn't had it easy blah blah blah.

It wasn't easy by any means and I've always worked full time so resent him saying this. I've explained this to him but it's really starting to annoy me that he's soo petty minded about it all. It's almost as if he's trying to make me feel like he's morally superior to me because of my past - like it's something I should be ashamed of. I've been brooding on it for hours now. I had to go out to work and he texted he was sorry for snapping. I texted back I'm sorry too but feel like telling him to sling his hook or AIBU?
I know I won't LTB as I said, 90% of the time all's fine but I need him to just stop being a twat - again AIBU?

[quote honeylulu]@CleverCatty

He got the house, his pension and half the savings. I walked away with the equivalent in cash

I don't think that's a bad settlement. If she means she got the cash equivalent to what he kept, that's 50/50 isn't it?[/quote]
I guess. misread it

Why were you love bonbed, rushed into marriage by someone who views you poorly?

Probably because although he is, by the sound of it, a misogynist who has no respect or love for the OP, he rather liked her money.

He's the gold digger, and knows it, and is trying to deflect by accusing the OP of the same thing.

Even if he was (or feels like he was) fleeced by his own ex and it's made him bitter, the OP is not the ex, she has far more than him, and he doesn't get away with his shit if he's somehow trying to make her suffer, to get his own back on some woman, any woman.

I also think he’s projecting. Hmm being homeless and sofa surfing sounds really easy! Why make you feel shit about decisions you made years ago and before you met him?! He’s over sensitive and yeah has an attitude problem lm afraid

Sorry to hear how your first marriage ended up. My first husband tried to pull a similar stunt on me

Just an update...
It took me up until earlier this week to tell him I wanted out of this relationship. Long and short is he apologized massively and I stupidly forgave him putting it down to him being ignoramously sexist and hoping he'll learn from it.
It's obviously been playing on his mind though and he asked me tonight how I feel about us now that a couple of days have passed. I told him I feel better for having got it off my mind and hopefully cleared the air between us. I stupidly thought he was going to say something nice and so obviously asked him how he felt? He answered with a smile, 'well put it like this, I won't be spending any money on the house in the near future'. I was gob smacked... I mean ok, fair enough if he's thinking this (I probably would too in his shoes) but to come out and say it!!! Again, making me feel guilty and almost a punishment for daring to speak my mind. He's not going to change is he? Fuck!!!
Problem is I don't react straight away, questioning myself so didn't pick him up on it until 10 minutes later. He then turns it on me saying I over think things and that he's now frightened of saying anything to me. It's classic gas lighting isn't it? Fuck!!!

What bastard.

Well you know now for sure. Get your ducks in a row, play the slightly longer game and initiate divorce when you're ready.

@Nafgdok - OP, please for your sake, listen to the good advice from practically everyone who's replied here. Your husband isn't going to change. He's shown you how cruel and contemptuous he's prepared to be. That's who he is. He'll deploy that whenever it suits him - and the longer you're married to him, the more emotional power he'll develop over you, and the more claim on your assets.

He's found he can manipulate you - love bombing, then withdrawing; insulting, then apologising ; undermining, and destabilising you again. It sounds like coercive control. Don't fall for it.

Please see a lawyer and plan how to get him out. Be polite and calm and don't let him know what you're doing until you're ready. But do not fall for the fiction that there is a decent trustworthy man inside him. There isn't. It was a deception from the start.

Please start to plan his exit from your home and your life. As @cloudrunner says don't yet let him know what you are doing. I'm sure others on here can advise on what you'll need but collect all the details you may require such as pension details, assets etc. Book an appointment with a solicitor - if you can give your location I am sure mumsnetters will be able to give you names of legal companies that they can recommend. Proper legal advice will not only give you a good idea of what to expect but also confidence. Get everything ready then tell him to sling his hook, and if you feel it would help get a friend to be there while you evict this cocklodging arsewipe. You can do this.

OP,

This is who he is.

Could he be any clearer.

I wouldn't trust him.

He's leaking his distaste for you.

I would be very nervous of staying married to someone who clearly doesn't love you, but has married you out of convenience.

I'd be sleeping with one eye open! (Only half joking)

Get legal advice or accept this is your lot.
The longer you leave it, the more of your assets are at risk.

Mind yourself.

So a millisecond after his apology he's back telling you he won't spend any of his money on house improvements.because obviously you can afford it as your milked your previous husband
Is it your house? I would be telling him that obviously you understand the moral issue --chip on his shoulder- proscribes him from sponging off you.... so he can Fuck the fuck off

So he resents that you had an 'easy life' but he moved into YOUR house?

He seems to be utterly projecting, the only gold digger is him...

Bet he was keen to marry to have a legal stake in your property without having contributed a penny towards it!

Ugh. Get rid.

We'll it's taken 6 months but I finally told him 3 days ago our marriage is over. I know it sounds absolutely ridiculous but my heart is breaking for this guy and at the same time I loath him for what he's done to me. I really thought we were perfect for each other - so many boxes ticked at the beginning only to find it's all fake.

I've been living in limbo for the last 6 months knowing I need to end this and your comments on this thread have been acting like my conscience, screaming at me to do the right thing. I'll update as the split progresses as it's a bit complicated. My property you see is a narrowboat that we live on. He has a small flat that he rents out. He's given his tenant notice so can't move into it until the middle of next month. Meanwhile we're bringing my boat back to nearer my family for support but this will take about a week.
To be honest it was all quite amicable once he'd realised I wasn't going to change my mind and it's mutually beneficial if somewhat awkward to stick it out for this last week together to get the boat back. Unbelievably he threw a bit of a wobble when I told him once we're back he has to leave the boat. He actually thought he could stay until his flat is vacant (he's sleeping on the bed settee) - I've stuck to my guns with this one and told him no way. I thought he might have just left at this point and to be honest I could manage the boat on my own but it would be difficult single handing through locks etc. Anyway, for once he seems to be doing the right thing and helping me out and as I said it's mutually beneficial. Time will tell although as soon as we get back I'll be starting divorce proceedings.
Wish me luck. 🙄

Buffer, name change fail!

Bugger!!! God it's late 💤

Wishing you all the best OP. You can do this. You deserve freedom and respect and love.

Good to hear the update, seems like absolutely the best thing for you.