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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not feel guilty for marrying an older guy.

117 replies

Nafgdok · 11/11/2020 00:11

Just need to rant to my fellow MN'ers after having words with my DH tonight 😤. Name changed just in case.
Bit of back story and it's a bit of a long one, sorry...

My ex was 19 years older than me. We met when I was 22 (he was my boss). He'd been divorced for about 10 years when we met. He had 2 teenage DC that I had a good relationship with. We never had DC together and divorced 6 years ago - it wasn't amicable but that's irrelevant to this post.

My new husband I met 4.5 years ago on ID, married 18 months now (he has 2 grown up DC from his 1st marriage - again I have a good relationship with them). He actually love bombed me when we first met although I didn't realise it was a thing at the time - I guess I was flattered. Anyway he moved in to my house pretty quick and I had a few reservations but kept dismissing them. To be fair 90% of the time we have a great life but every now and again if we discuss our pasts he has to have a knock about me having had an easy life and almost but not quite calling me a gold digger for marrying an older guy.

He's done it again tonight and I'm really upset... We were discussing pensions earlier this evening and i mentioned about the government increasing the age to 57 in 2028 before you can access your private pensions. There was a bit of banter and then I mentioned how hard the younger generation had it these days and that they'll probably be working until they're in their 70's. He said, but I'd had an easy start in life and then started ranting how he's sick of women like me (a couple of his ex girlfriends were childless) who chose not to have DC thinking they're better than every one else. I think he thought I was having a dig at his DC as I mentioned it wouldn't effect them as neither have made any pension provisions anyway. I was furious and again tried explaining that I hadn't had it easy blah blah blah.

It wasn't easy by any means and I've always worked full time so resent him saying this. I've explained this to him but it's really starting to annoy me that he's soo petty minded about it all. It's almost as if he's trying to make me feel like he's morally superior to me because of my past - like it's something I should be ashamed of. I've been brooding on it for hours now. I had to go out to work and he texted he was sorry for snapping. I texted back I'm sorry too but feel like telling him to sling his hook or AIBU?
I know I won't LTB as I said, 90% of the time all's fine but I need him to just stop being a twat - again AIBU?

OP posts:
WitchesSpelleas · 11/11/2020 07:17

how he's sick of women like me (a couple of his ex girlfriends were childless) who chose not to have DC thinking they're better than every one else.

What a total prick this man is! As a childfree woman in my late 40s, I thought I'd heard all the insults and assumptions there were, but 'thinking they're better than everyone else' is a new one.

What he's actually saying, OP, is 'how dare my wife not fit into the little box I have chosen to define as 'women'? My wife should be begging me to get her pregnant and now she's denying me the opportunity to assert my manhood.'

THisbackwithavengeance · 11/11/2020 07:23

A lot of posters seem outraged that the DH might be entitled to half the OP's house.

Presumably she took half her XH's assets and didn't earn them herself? Possibly even the house she is living in was funded by the XH?

Not a criticism; that's marriage after all.

But what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander etc.

He sounds bitter? Was he fleeced by his XW and has transferred some of that resentment over to you?

You need to talk. If he get his misguided feelings of resentment out, he may feel better about his own circumstances.

TwylaSands · 11/11/2020 07:27

Why would you not leave him though? He despises you. But youre providing him with what he needs.

MzHz · 11/11/2020 07:38

I think you know what’s going on here

This is the slide into an abuse situation

It’ll never get any better, only worse

He’s showing you how much he despises you already

Get out as quickly and cleanly as you can.

Muzzyarker · 11/11/2020 07:38

OP you should know asking for any advice on MN regarding husband's/ male partners will result in being told to LTB and that you are married In the most vile/ worst man alive. I am deleting MN as this is the second thread I have read this morning with comments that have shocked and disgusted me, I am fed up with sexist and often extreme man hating comments. Also so much unnecessary mean things said. A fair amount of women on this site do not seem like very nice people at all and it's getting worse on here every day.

38weekswithno2 · 11/11/2020 07:41

Sorry op Thanks it doesn't sound like he likes women, or you, very much at all.

Fallsballs · 11/11/2020 07:42

Off you go then Muzzyarker, thanks for the flounce announcement.

Calligraphy572 · 11/11/2020 07:49

He sounds envious of your financial situation, also spiteful, and then lacking in self-awareness about both. He also seems to think that YOU think that you're morally superior to his dc and their lack of private pension arrangements.

So.... counselling. Honestly, if you don't want to ditch the relationship, then you need to save it. Sort out some marriage counselling - I'm sure it can be set up online given current circumstances.

Calligraphy572 · 11/11/2020 07:52

Personally, I'd tell the bastard to get out of my house. But, if you want to keep this relationship going...

dontdisturbmenow · 11/11/2020 07:53

Did you get your house through your divorce?

If so and you were I direct criticizing his kids for not having a pension maybe because they can't afford to co tribute towards a pension and saving towards or paying their mortgage, then I can see why he'd think you had double standards.

Nottherealslimshady · 11/11/2020 07:55

Well he's an absolute tosser isn't he!
It's not about your first husband at all, it's about his hatred of women having anything at all, you've no right to a pension, you're a woman. There he is having to raise kids and fucking women that have gone against everything they're meant to be and are childless have more money than him. It's disgusting.

Redwinestillfine · 11/11/2020 08:13

He doesn't see you as a team.

Mistletroll · 11/11/2020 08:22

How old are you OP? You say you were 22 when you met your older ex and you got divorced 6 years ago. You have been married to your new DH for 18 months. Is your new DH much older than you?

I agree with a lot of the advice above but just want to add that someone 20 years older than you (like your first DH) is from a different generation and will have different ideas about women. Is this the case with your DH now? Often, men who go out with younger women do so as they are easier to control and manipulate and maybe this is what you are witnessing now.

One of the things I took away from this thread is why you feel the need to go out with someone much older than you. I know a lot of unhappy women who have major issues with partners 15 years older and more.

GreenlandTheMovie · 11/11/2020 08:22

So he's the one with 2 grown up children from another relationship, but is criticising you for a previous relationship?

His comments are pretty bad, I'd feel it impossible to live with someone so belittling and critical.

You were 22 when you met the much older guy, and quite naiave I should imagine. You worked full time and you have kids with him - hardly the signs of a golddgger.

Is your current DH also older? He's got some wierd attitudes, doesn't sound very great to be around tbh. Sounds like his mask slips 10% of the time.

Mix56 · 11/11/2020 08:26

He had no qualms about moving into your house did he ? Hasn't he profited from you also?
Life just happens,
You chose not to have children as much as he chose to have them.
sanctimonious prat.
tell him to piss off.

notacooldad · 11/11/2020 08:29

I think everything that needs to be said has been said.
Your husband is nasty to you and I'm glad he's not mine.
Why do you want to be with someone that tries to make themselves morally superior over you. That's not an equal relationship.
But you don't want to leave him and I'm guessing he's bitter so he's not going to change either.
It's your life but I wouldn't put up with someone sneering at me even if it is only 10% of the time.

ReallySpicyCurry · 11/11/2020 08:32

Let me guess - if you divorce him, he'll walk away with more than he brought into the marriage, am I right?

TatianaBis · 11/11/2020 08:40

It’s that 10% that defines the relationship.

He saw you coming didn’t he? I can’t believe you walked straight into this.

BlindAssassin1 · 11/11/2020 08:42

criticizing his kids for not having a pension maybe because they can't afford to co tribute towards a pension and saving towards or paying their mortgage, then I can see why he'd think you had double standards.

What dontdisturbmenow says. You do tuck the line about his DC and pensions away in the text, but it probably got his back up. Its quite judgmental and snotty sounding whichever way you gloss it.

Obviously though he doesn't realize his own BS hypocrisy - you've given him an 'easy' life providing him a house.

honeylulu · 11/11/2020 08:44

Ugh. He sounds awful. A misogynist who is enraged that a woman doesn't know her place. The poster who said he thinks women are "uppity bitches" if they want a life that doesn't involve bearing the children of men-gods is spot on.

He might be ok 90% of the time but can you really bear knowing what he really thinks of you??

ShebaShimmyShake · 11/11/2020 08:46

He is horrible and misogynistic. Women ought to have kids, it's wrong for women to marry older men (I'm guessing he didn't criticise your ex?), he married you as you are but now your past mars you?

He isn't going to change. Bear that in mind.

Hailtomyteeth · 11/11/2020 08:47

'Sick of women like you'.
Says it all.
Time to go.

MzHz · 11/11/2020 08:49

It’s a short marriage, I reckon going into a divorce under that banner, she shouldn’t lose too much to this man who brings so little.

@Nafgdok think about this... if I made your very favourite meal, pudding or cake and told you there was 10% shit in it... would you tuck in?

No. You know you would not.

The trouble is, experience tells us all that the 10% will grow. He hates women, he’s showing you this clearly. He resents you and is showing you how he sees you.

This isn’t going to magically go away, it will only grow

The sooner you bring this to a close, the less you will lose.

Italiangreyhound · 11/11/2020 08:51

There is a middle ground between saying you are sorry too and for him t sling his hook. You could instigate a sensible discussing about how 10% of the time he is an ass hat and you don't like it.

You could also stop speaking about your past. I mean he should know that that can upset you so unless it really is relevant, it isn't here, that he shouldn't go there.

I agree with Rain's question...

Did he lose his house in the divorce?
Did you get your house out of your divorce?
Is he bitter as a result?

TheShepherdsCrown · 11/11/2020 08:53

Please get rid of him sooner rather than later. He is a misogynistic cock lodger. He sees you as a nurse with a purse. The sooner your boot his mangy arse out if the door the sooner you can get on with enjoying 100% of your life rather than 90%. Also the sooner you ditch this parasitic sleezeball the less you’ll lose in a divorce. An 18 month marriage is fairly short and you’re likely to retain more of your assets. If you wait you’ll be losing more and 90% happy will be long gone you’ll be 100% unhappy. Make your plans. Get a SHL. Dump the creep.