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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not feel guilty for marrying an older guy.

117 replies

Nafgdok · 11/11/2020 00:11

Just need to rant to my fellow MN'ers after having words with my DH tonight 😤. Name changed just in case.
Bit of back story and it's a bit of a long one, sorry...

My ex was 19 years older than me. We met when I was 22 (he was my boss). He'd been divorced for about 10 years when we met. He had 2 teenage DC that I had a good relationship with. We never had DC together and divorced 6 years ago - it wasn't amicable but that's irrelevant to this post.

My new husband I met 4.5 years ago on ID, married 18 months now (he has 2 grown up DC from his 1st marriage - again I have a good relationship with them). He actually love bombed me when we first met although I didn't realise it was a thing at the time - I guess I was flattered. Anyway he moved in to my house pretty quick and I had a few reservations but kept dismissing them. To be fair 90% of the time we have a great life but every now and again if we discuss our pasts he has to have a knock about me having had an easy life and almost but not quite calling me a gold digger for marrying an older guy.

He's done it again tonight and I'm really upset... We were discussing pensions earlier this evening and i mentioned about the government increasing the age to 57 in 2028 before you can access your private pensions. There was a bit of banter and then I mentioned how hard the younger generation had it these days and that they'll probably be working until they're in their 70's. He said, but I'd had an easy start in life and then started ranting how he's sick of women like me (a couple of his ex girlfriends were childless) who chose not to have DC thinking they're better than every one else. I think he thought I was having a dig at his DC as I mentioned it wouldn't effect them as neither have made any pension provisions anyway. I was furious and again tried explaining that I hadn't had it easy blah blah blah.

It wasn't easy by any means and I've always worked full time so resent him saying this. I've explained this to him but it's really starting to annoy me that he's soo petty minded about it all. It's almost as if he's trying to make me feel like he's morally superior to me because of my past - like it's something I should be ashamed of. I've been brooding on it for hours now. I had to go out to work and he texted he was sorry for snapping. I texted back I'm sorry too but feel like telling him to sling his hook or AIBU?
I know I won't LTB as I said, 90% of the time all's fine but I need him to just stop being a twat - again AIBU?

OP posts:

Zenithbear · 11/11/2020 08:54

He sounds really angry with you.
He is judging your choices and is trying to put you down by making you feel ashamed of them.
He's threatened by you because you've worked full time and he knows you don't 'need' him.
He's insecure and wants you to be too.
I wouldn't put up with that.

MzHz · 11/11/2020 09:00

The person who love bombed you was fake. That’s who he wanted you to think he was, the speed of it all is designed to wrong foot you. He knows what he’s doing.

Fakers can’t keep that up forever, so now you’re seeing what you’re saddled with. Now you’re married he thinks he’s caught you and you will put up with it all and he can get off in gradually pulling you to pieces, wearing you to nothing.

It will never get better. Ever. Because who you thought you were with never ever existed.

You’ve no doubt lied to yourself, making things look better than they really were, to yourself first and foremost and to others.

You cast aside those reservations that your poor little instincts were trying to warn you about and here you are. Rapidly realising that something isn’t right

I know this because everyone in a relationship like yours goes through exactly the same thing

Getting out is hard, but it has to be done. As I’ve said, the sooner the better as you’ll do better out of it than you would do

You deserve to be loved, valued and cherished.

You’re not going to get any of that with this bloke.

pinkearedcow · 11/11/2020 09:05

started ranting how he's sick of women like me (a couple of his ex girlfriends were childless) who chose not to have DC thinking they're better than every one else

I mean, wtf?

If this is real I would get rid of him asap, he is showing you who he really is. Does he have any assets or is he, as TheShepherdsCrown suggests, cocklodging?

aSofaNearYou · 11/11/2020 09:07

Not only does he sound misogynistic and hypocritical (he's moved into your house, easy life anyone?), he also sounds highly defensive of anything to do with his children. I could not be arsed with someone with that attitude.

Buddytheelf85 · 11/11/2020 09:16

What is his problem with women not having children?

My guess is that it’s because when women get to (gasp!) choose whether or not to have children, they have too much power.

It’s so much easier to subjugate women when they don’t have a choice in the matter. See the abortion debate in the US, the Catholic Church’s ban on contraception, etc.

Also, once a woman’s had your child, it’s much easier to keep her in her place, because she’s less desirable to other men and she’s more likely to be financially dependant on you. And she has an irrevocable tie to you. That’s why so many abusive men conceal their abusive tendencies until they’ve got a woman pregnant.

RedMarauder · 11/11/2020 09:21

@MzHz

The person who love bombed you was fake. That’s who he wanted you to think he was, the speed of it all is designed to wrong foot you. He knows what he’s doing.

It will never get better. Ever. Because who you thought you were with never ever existed.

You’ve no doubt lied to yourself, making things look better than they really were, to yourself first and foremost and to others.

You cast aside those reservations that your poor little instincts were trying to warn you about and here you are. Rapidly realising that something isn’t right

I know this because everyone in a relationship like yours goes through exactly the same thing

Getting out is hard, but it has to be done. As I’ve said, the sooner the better as you’ll do better out of it than you would do

You deserve to be loved, valued and cherished.

You’re not going to get any of that with this bloke.

This.

And once you divorce this one get some counselling to see why you make shit choices on who you marry and don't get married again until you do.

Brainwave89 · 11/11/2020 09:21

I think I would be upset if this was my DP. I am ten years older than my husband, I have never heard him described as a "gold digger" toy boy yes which is quite tiresome at times. Serious conversation with him required, as this sounds quite passive aggressive. If he cannot cope with your past (some men struggle to understand a partner has a past), then think carefully.

ClementineWoolysocks · 11/11/2020 09:27

started ranting how he's sick of women like me (a couple of his ex girlfriends were childless) who chose not to have DC thinking they're better than every one else

If my other half told me he's sick of women 'like me' I'd be out of here. That's not a comment I could get past or forgive.
I'm saying that any marriage/long term relationship is perfect but that crosses a line for me.

Thehop · 11/11/2020 09:27

@pussgorl said exactly what I was thinking

PussGirl

The love bombing at the beginning makes me think he thought he was onto a good thing with you, the childless divorcee with a good settlement who's the gold digger here? so he got his claws in quickly and married you.

Now he cannot keep up the pretence any longer, so his true attitudes are coming out.

I'd divorce him. He sounds awful. You don't need him.

Bluetrews25 · 11/11/2020 09:34

Ugh. Isn't this always how emotional abuse begins?
Love bombing at the start
Relationship progressing too rapidly for comfort
Move in together fast
Then starts eroding the partner's value and being nasty

He clearly wants more DCs, by telling you childless women are terrible. If you get pregnant, that's when he will have you really well trapped and the emotional abuse will ramp up.
How far are you going to progress down this road before you suddenly realise your life is awful?

notalwaysalondoner · 11/11/2020 09:37

That is ridiculous! Why did you have an easier life because you married an older man? Is it because you got way more assets on divorce than if you married someone your own age? But if you were together more than a few years it’s hard to say that, as some young people wind up making a lot of money very quickly too. Plus presumably your first husband had already split his previous assets with his ex wife. So it doesn’t make any sense...

I don’t know what to advise except it seems really petty your DH keeps raising this and that he knows it winds you up so he’ll keep doing it. I know everyone here is saying LTB but I would say either ignore it completely as he’s doing it to get a rise out of you and might stop if you don’t react any more, or else force him to explain exactly how it was an easier life based on the points I made above. I don’t think the second option is likely to work though.

Buggedandconfused · 11/11/2020 09:38

Sounds like my ex. Hated women for ‘rinsing’ men but was happy to rinse me for every penny he could. I hate men like this. You can’t win.

dontdisturbmenow · 11/11/2020 09:43

If OP got a house all paid for my marrying her older X whilst he maybe lost his to his wife upon divorced, especially if it was her decision to go and thought for all she could, I could see how he would react to you daring making comments about his kids who are struggling and didn't indeed have it so easy.

Saying that, if it reached such point of lack of respect for each other, it is indeed not faring well for the future. Does he gave any assets?

RealBecca · 11/11/2020 09:48

I bet 90% of the time you are keeping him happy. Think about how much effort the 90% actually takes. You've told him it upsets him and he says hes sorry and yet he keeps doing it sounds like he's sorry he's having a grumpy few days with you from the row rather than actually feeling sorry enough to change.

GreenlandTheMovie · 11/11/2020 09:52

Is there any suggestion that the OP "got a house all paid for by her older X"? It's far more likely that she got a small settlement, perhaps enough to assist for a deposit and a mortgage because she works full time. Especially if the x had children.

This sort of myth gets perpetuated by men who deliberately seek out non-working or lowly paid women, often because they're easier to control. When the worm turns, these men do tend to have to pay larger settlements to these women than to a woman who has worked and can support herself financially. And it's actually quite common for women to have to pay men settlents too.

TheVanguardSix · 11/11/2020 09:54

I was 22 when someone said to me, "You're responsible for your own happiness." Simple but wise words. And I have lived by them.
You should too, OP.

formerbabe · 11/11/2020 09:59

how he's sick of women like me (a couple of his ex girlfriends were childless) who chose not to have DC thinking they're better than every one else

Fucking hell, he has just told you exactly what he thinks of you and that's not enough to end the relationship. He also sounds quite thick. The brilliant thing about not having kids is that its much easier to walk away from twats like that.

Oh and did you say he lives in your house? Whilst slagging you off? Find your self respect.

formerbabe · 11/11/2020 10:01

Oh and get a good lawyer and protect yourself.

It's almost hilarious he calls you a gold digger considering he moved into your house...

dottiedodah · 11/11/2020 10:05

I think he sounds like many a middle aged man who "hasnt made it"! In other words wants to be a Millionaire, and leave squillions to his DC .Taking it out on you because you were in a more comfortable financial position.He seems to lack any respect for women by the sounds of it! HE is getting a good deal here ,not you! I would think about your options now .You could end up being stuck in this relationship when you are retired!Tell him to jog on with his horrible misogynistic ideas .

grapewine · 11/11/2020 10:06

@Hailtomyteeth

'Sick of women like you'. Says it all. Time to go.

Absolutely. No fucking way should you stand for this. What a sexist twat.

grapewine · 11/11/2020 10:09

Oh and did you say he lives in your house? Whilst slagging you off? Find your self respect.

And this. It won't get better. Why would you want to put up with this? Life is definitely too short. He had plainly said what he thinks of you. Don't ignore it.

frazzledasarock · 11/11/2020 10:10

OP was in a marriage with no DC and she had a good job throughout, it's doubtful her ex paid for her house. More likely assets post marriage were split between them according to need/equally.

So very much not that her ex financed her house and how ironic blah blah.

Goingdooolally · 11/11/2020 10:11

Wow, I couldn’t spend my life with someone who had such a low opinion of me. You need to value yourself more

Dragongirl10 · 11/11/2020 10:16

Op very sadly ...he neither likes or respects you, for no good reason other than his own issues.

Do you want to live like that?

EmeraldShamrock · 11/11/2020 10:21

He is the gold-digger.
Using your choices as a stick to beat you. Feck him.

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