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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Are these Christmas plans unreasonable?

124 replies

ChristmasPoster · 08/11/2020 12:30

My boyfriend has proposed that for Christmas because of lock down his younger brother will be by himself and that we should visit him on Christmas day to give him his presents. I didn’t say anything but the more I think about it the more I am annoyed by the idea.

To give a bit of background and context: My boyfriends brother does not have a good track record when it comes to giving us presents - we often buy him expensive things and he gives us nothing back, or something very generic and inexpensive in return (basically something that hasn’t had any thought put into it whatsoever, i.e. not something homemade or had a lot of thought put into it.) I have given up trying to talk to my boyfriend about it as he is seemingly not bothered that I am hurt and angry on his behalf that he buys his brother all these things and doesn’t get any acknowledgement for it but it’s ultimately his decision if he wants to get treated like this. Personally I think one year we should just not buy him anything and watch the look on his face when he realises he hasn’t got anything from us.

My AIBU is that as Christmas is going to be different this year I thought because of lock down we would be spending the day alone with each other. But now he has mentioned the idea of visiting his family on Christmas morning, including his brother. But I don’t see the point of this at all. All we will be doing is driving from place to place, shouting to each other from a socially acceptable distance and exchanging presents by leaving them in a safe spot - and in the brothers case there will either not be a present to pick up, or something that wasn’t worth the journey. I find Christmas very stressful at the best of times and was looking forward to this year being laid back and relaxed and now I feel like it’s been ruined and a problem before it’s even happened. This would also be taking place in the morning which means getting up early. I just wonder why we should be the ones running around and sacrificing our own morning for the sake of his brother? He wouldn’t do the same for us, he would just see us when he sees us which is exactly what I agree with and wonder why my boyfriend won’t have the same attitude when it comes to dealing with him. His parents alive close so that’s not a grumble but his brothers is a two hour drive away and I won’t want to disrupt our plans and have to get dressed and ready just to drive all the way there and give him all of his presents and stand there while we get nothing back and then say goodbye and drive all the way back when we could instead spend the morning in PJs and just have a relaxing morning together and then just see him on Boxing Day or the days after that. AIBU in thinking that this does not need to take place on Christmas morning and a Skype call would be sufficient?

OP posts:
OverTheRainbow88 · 08/11/2020 12:35

Your BF want to see his brother who lives alone on Christmas Day, either go with him or stay at home, but don’t dictate who he can see and when.

If your BF is happy getting his bro presents and receiving little back then good on him, none of your business.

Maybe you could invite brother to spend Christmas Day at yours if rules allow so you don’t have to travel.

You sound bitter towards your BIL because of material presents

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 08/11/2020 12:41

But it wouldn't bother you if you got a nice gift out of it?

Your boyfriend sounds lovely, kind, thoughtful and generous. You don't sound particularly well matched tbh.

BendingSpoons · 08/11/2020 12:46

I would not want to drive 4 hours just to drop off a present. I think your discussion about the brother not buying good presents is clouding the issue. It sounds like your bf always gives more, but that possibly is a bit two way (he doesn't have to buy expensive presents or go out his way). But that journey doesn't seem worth it if you can't have a proper visit.

LizzieMacQueen · 08/11/2020 12:46

Take the gift giving (and lack of reciprocation) out of your decision making, it's not what Christmas should be about.

Snipples · 08/11/2020 12:46

I'd just let him go alone and you stay at home and have a nice chilled Christmas morning. If the brother is that bad and pandered to my guess is that he will slope back to him mums for Christmas Day anyway as he won't want to sort cooking etc.

You're going to get a hard time here because of the focus on presents but even if he gave you amazing presents I still wouldn't drive two hours there and back to exchange on Xmas day.

Just as an aside, if you're not massively into his family and he has a habit of prioritizing them over you, then be mindful of the future or you're in for years of this.

rocketspin · 08/11/2020 12:47

So you don't want to go because the presents you will get mean you think the journey is not worth it ? Nice.

ivfbeenbusy · 08/11/2020 12:47

You don't give to receive and you sound too hung up on the quality or lack of present you get back? Presumably if he spent a fortune on you you'd be more than happy to jump in the car and see him.......

gobbynorthernbird · 08/11/2020 12:48

Are you the poster who binned the chocolates from their BF's brother?

FourTeaFallOut · 08/11/2020 12:51

Grin So, you would go if he didn't give shit presents?

I remember you from last year. Can you imagine being so uncharitable that a complete stranger can remember who you are because your selfishness is so remarkable?

Furrybootsyecomfy · 08/11/2020 12:52

How long have you been together?
Does your boyfriend and his brother have a similar income?

KatieGGGG · 08/11/2020 12:53

You are the author of your own destiny OP...

If you don’t want to drive two hours - simply don’t. Have a lovely chilled few hours to yourself.

If you don’t want to buy someone an expensive gift - simply don’t.

You can’t prevent your partner from doing either.

Qpobb · 08/11/2020 12:55

Unreasonable. Grabby.

CoffeeRunner · 08/11/2020 12:58

How old are you OP?

The true spirit of Christmas seems to be utterly lost on you.

vanillandhoney · 08/11/2020 12:58

Didn't you post this last year? Hmm

Fouroclockonamarblemorning · 08/11/2020 13:02

You sound unkind and materialistic. You don’t give presents to get them.

Newmumatlast · 08/11/2020 13:03

@ChristmasPoster

My boyfriend has proposed that for Christmas because of lock down his younger brother will be by himself and that we should visit him on Christmas day to give him his presents. I didn’t say anything but the more I think about it the more I am annoyed by the idea.

To give a bit of background and context: My boyfriends brother does not have a good track record when it comes to giving us presents - we often buy him expensive things and he gives us nothing back, or something very generic and inexpensive in return (basically something that hasn’t had any thought put into it whatsoever, i.e. not something homemade or had a lot of thought put into it.) I have given up trying to talk to my boyfriend about it as he is seemingly not bothered that I am hurt and angry on his behalf that he buys his brother all these things and doesn’t get any acknowledgement for it but it’s ultimately his decision if he wants to get treated like this. Personally I think one year we should just not buy him anything and watch the look on his face when he realises he hasn’t got anything from us.

My AIBU is that as Christmas is going to be different this year I thought because of lock down we would be spending the day alone with each other. But now he has mentioned the idea of visiting his family on Christmas morning, including his brother. But I don’t see the point of this at all. All we will be doing is driving from place to place, shouting to each other from a socially acceptable distance and exchanging presents by leaving them in a safe spot - and in the brothers case there will either not be a present to pick up, or something that wasn’t worth the journey. I find Christmas very stressful at the best of times and was looking forward to this year being laid back and relaxed and now I feel like it’s been ruined and a problem before it’s even happened. This would also be taking place in the morning which means getting up early. I just wonder why we should be the ones running around and sacrificing our own morning for the sake of his brother? He wouldn’t do the same for us, he would just see us when he sees us which is exactly what I agree with and wonder why my boyfriend won’t have the same attitude when it comes to dealing with him. His parents alive close so that’s not a grumble but his brothers is a two hour drive away and I won’t want to disrupt our plans and have to get dressed and ready just to drive all the way there and give him all of his presents and stand there while we get nothing back and then say goodbye and drive all the way back when we could instead spend the morning in PJs and just have a relaxing morning together and then just see him on Boxing Day or the days after that. AIBU in thinking that this does not need to take place on Christmas morning and a Skype call would be sufficient?

I think you could do with re discovering the meaning of Christmas
Jaxhog · 08/11/2020 13:04

Wow. So you only give presents if you get them back? How old are you? Four?

CakeRequired · 08/11/2020 13:05

Give your boyfriend his present early and break up with him so he can go into 2021 happy and single to look for someone nice.

Then go on the hunt for your imaginary rich boyfriend with a family who are also rich who will spoil you like the princess you think you are.

bekkiblue90 · 08/11/2020 13:06

Christmas isn’t about expensive presents or presents in fact. This year If lockdown continues I can’t see my dad or my brother on Christmas Day. My family aren’t doing presents this year as we are grateful for our health and just want to see our family. Let your bf see his brother and stop being selfish.

Tiredmum100 · 08/11/2020 13:09

I would drive for 4 hours on Christmas day.

Tiredmum100 · 08/11/2020 13:10

Sorry that should say- I wouldn't drive for 4 hours on Christmas day.

emilyfrost · 08/11/2020 13:12

YABU and grabby. Were you never taught that you don’t give to receive?

Mustbe3ormorecharacters · 08/11/2020 13:14

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

But it wouldn't bother you if you got a nice gift out of it?

Your boyfriend sounds lovely, kind, thoughtful and generous. You don't sound particularly well matched tbh.

I agree with this, also he can go by himself.
Twylar · 08/11/2020 13:15

You sound quite controlling. Let him do what he wants, you dont have to go with him

sapnupuas · 08/11/2020 13:16

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

But it wouldn't bother you if you got a nice gift out of it?

Your boyfriend sounds lovely, kind, thoughtful and generous. You don't sound particularly well matched tbh.

Ouch. 🤣🤣🤣
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