Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Are these Christmas plans unreasonable?

124 replies

ChristmasPoster · 08/11/2020 12:30

My boyfriend has proposed that for Christmas because of lock down his younger brother will be by himself and that we should visit him on Christmas day to give him his presents. I didn’t say anything but the more I think about it the more I am annoyed by the idea.

To give a bit of background and context: My boyfriends brother does not have a good track record when it comes to giving us presents - we often buy him expensive things and he gives us nothing back, or something very generic and inexpensive in return (basically something that hasn’t had any thought put into it whatsoever, i.e. not something homemade or had a lot of thought put into it.) I have given up trying to talk to my boyfriend about it as he is seemingly not bothered that I am hurt and angry on his behalf that he buys his brother all these things and doesn’t get any acknowledgement for it but it’s ultimately his decision if he wants to get treated like this. Personally I think one year we should just not buy him anything and watch the look on his face when he realises he hasn’t got anything from us.

My AIBU is that as Christmas is going to be different this year I thought because of lock down we would be spending the day alone with each other. But now he has mentioned the idea of visiting his family on Christmas morning, including his brother. But I don’t see the point of this at all. All we will be doing is driving from place to place, shouting to each other from a socially acceptable distance and exchanging presents by leaving them in a safe spot - and in the brothers case there will either not be a present to pick up, or something that wasn’t worth the journey. I find Christmas very stressful at the best of times and was looking forward to this year being laid back and relaxed and now I feel like it’s been ruined and a problem before it’s even happened. This would also be taking place in the morning which means getting up early. I just wonder why we should be the ones running around and sacrificing our own morning for the sake of his brother? He wouldn’t do the same for us, he would just see us when he sees us which is exactly what I agree with and wonder why my boyfriend won’t have the same attitude when it comes to dealing with him. His parents alive close so that’s not a grumble but his brothers is a two hour drive away and I won’t want to disrupt our plans and have to get dressed and ready just to drive all the way there and give him all of his presents and stand there while we get nothing back and then say goodbye and drive all the way back when we could instead spend the morning in PJs and just have a relaxing morning together and then just see him on Boxing Day or the days after that. AIBU in thinking that this does not need to take place on Christmas morning and a Skype call would be sufficient?

OP posts:
ohidoliketobe · 08/11/2020 13:40

in the brothers case there will either not be a present to pick up, or something that wasn’t worth the journey

Essentially, it's all about your perceived value of a girt you may receive 8n tryurn for the making the journey.

If I had no young children, I'd make a 4 hour journey to see someone I loved who would otherwise be on their own on Christmas day, gift or no gift.

ohidoliketobe · 08/11/2020 13:41

*gift you may receive in return

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/11/2020 13:42

No way would I want to drive for 2 hours on Christmas Day to just drop a present, have a quick chat and run. On another thread today, I think more than half of posters said the op would be ok to not attend her dn’s party on Boxing Day.

As for the present buying. Your bf is getting something out of this. Not for you to judge. Maybe his brother is a good brother in other ways.

Candyfloss99 · 08/11/2020 13:43

Can his brother not come to your house and spend Christmas day with you, have his dinner at yours etc.

HoppingPavlova · 08/11/2020 13:43

My boyfriends brother does not have a good track record when it comes to giving us presents - we often buy him expensive things and he gives us nothing back, or something very generic and inexpensive in return

Wow. Hard to believe a functioning adult could think like this yet alone write it.

I think you should leave your boyfriend so he can end up with a more suitable partner as, from what you wrote, he sounds a decent person.

Thehop · 08/11/2020 13:45

Your boyfriend can do better from the sound of your mismatched personalities

But on this single point I wouldn’t drive 4 hours to drop a gift off. I’d meet half way or wait.

JulesM73 · 08/11/2020 13:45

You sound very grabby and to be honest if I was your boyfriend I would be pretty disgusted at you for only wanting to visit if it’s ‘worth’ your while.

If he’s happy with it the it has nothing to do with you. Maybe the brother realises that you’re a money grabbing, entitled cow and therefore doesn’t give a shit what you think.....

dreamingofsun · 08/11/2020 13:45

if its any consolation, we may have to drive for 3 hours each way to swap presents from the road with my IL's. And every Christmas she buys me horrid tops that are totally unwearable, and the kids things they wouldnt use in a million years.

Lilybet1980 · 08/11/2020 13:45

Let me get this right. You don’t want to go because 1) it’s far to drive on Christmas Day; 2) you won’t get a decent present and 3) you don’t want to get dressed?

Now imagine a 15 year old child told their parents they didn’t want to go visit their grandparents, or aunt, or any relative really for the same reasons.

I imagine your BFs brother has no interest in seeing you either so why don’t you do everyone a favour and stay home in your PJs?

Mo81 · 08/11/2020 13:46

I understand you wouldnt want too drive 4 hours but how would you feel if one of your family members were alone ?
As for the presents you dont give to recieve and your post sounds very materialistic.

UniversalAunt · 08/11/2020 13:46

Save time, energy & money on Christmas Day - do not make a non-essential journey on Christmas Day if there is an iota of doubt or resistance as it’s an empty gesture driven by FOMO & FOG. Channel the energies into pre-booked Zoom/Skypes in the earlier part of the day, then everyone can get on with their own Christmas as they best please.

If your DH is feeling generous, then send a small perfectly formed food hamper to his brother. Most supermarkets cater to a range of budgets & will offer click/collect or delivery to the brother.

Seriously, a four hour journey...

Petitmum · 08/11/2020 13:47

You sound incredibly selfish and very materialistic!!!

UniversalAunt · 08/11/2020 13:48

Obvs, visiting closer loved ones is another matter as the FOMO & FOG are not driving (!) factors.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 08/11/2020 13:48

Can you let him.go by himself in the morning then be back together for lunch and present opening? Best of both worlds?

Are there reasons why you helmet crap gifts. So lots of people have jumped on this but l understand where you are coming from. Part of DH fam ask for specific things then give us a tin of Roses every year 🙄 it's not about gift giving it's the thought that counts and if someone has put no thought into it that's pretty annoying. However l don't think cost comes in to it, as you alluded to your purchase of expensive gifts. Perhaps he cannot afford it. Perhaps he doesn't care about giving or receiving gifts. If it bothers you that much tell him you aren't exchanging gifts this year.

bluebeck · 08/11/2020 13:50

I don't understand. Why do you have to go?

If you want to stay home in your PJs then do it.

rottiemum88 · 08/11/2020 13:50

Are you the same poster who writes under different guises all the time about your boyfriend choosing to spend his money on his brother and never getting anything back? I recognise the writing style too well.

Either way, YABU. Let your boyfriend do what he wants, stop trying to control his actions. If you don't want to go with him then don't. You can be the one to spend Christmas morning alone instead of his brother this year 🤷🏼‍♀️

nosswith · 08/11/2020 13:50

Aside from being influenced by the type of present, which is awful.

Does the journey have to be in the morning? If you are going to be there for only a few minutes, it could be later in the day, whether you go with your boyfriend or not.

The other thing that comes out of reading your post, OP, is why a Christmas seemingly with no children or elderly parents is stressful. Unless it reminds you of bereavement or some other bad event in your life, I think you need to consider why it does and try to address it. Not take it out on someone who will otherwise be without a visitor on Christmas Day.

Eviebeans · 08/11/2020 13:51

If you only ever give a gift with the thought of what you'll receive in return in mind you're almost always going to be disappointed

Quirrelsotherface · 08/11/2020 13:53

Regarding the present thing, you are being petty. If that's all you've got to take up so much brain space I would count yourself lucky. If you bf wants to treat his brother that's really not your problem, unless he's taking joint money to do this.

GarlicSoup · 08/11/2020 13:54

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

But it wouldn't bother you if you got a nice gift out of it?

Your boyfriend sounds lovely, kind, thoughtful and generous. You don't sound particularly well matched tbh.

^ Absolutely this. Just let your boyfriend go alone don’t suppose his brother will be bothered about seeing you either Hmm
Thegreymethod · 08/11/2020 13:54

Sorry to pile on but your post makes you sound really selfish and controlling. If your boyfriend wants to see his brother who lives alone at Christmas he can do what he wants, its not even like he's saying he wants to spend the day with him and not see you. Maybe he's not bothered about what he receives but he wants his brother to have a nice Christmas. If your so concerned about having a relaxing Christmas morning in your pjs then do it and let him see his brother.

supadupapupascupa · 08/11/2020 13:56

Swap presents before Christmas with EVERYONE

Arrange a family Zoom call with drinks in the evening so everyone can be together and chit chat.

If I was alone, I would rather that than family turning up for 5 mins, dropping off a gift and then not seeing them after that. A good couple of hours on zoom is far better

Coffeeandaride · 08/11/2020 13:57

Gift giving obviously completely lost on you.

I wouldn’t really want to drive 4 hrs on Christmas Day, but I wouldn’t want a family member to be alone, unless they wanted that, so I’d go to keep boyfriend company but if you are just going to sit in the car and ruin the drive.
Maybe Christmas Eve?
Visit closer family Christmas Day?

Or maybe he goes on his own.

FizzyDizzy121 · 08/11/2020 13:57

You clearly don't like your partner's brother and are being extremely unreasonable because of it.

HillaryWhitney · 08/11/2020 13:58

Is this for real?

Swipe left for the next trending thread