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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Are these Christmas plans unreasonable?

124 replies

ChristmasPoster · 08/11/2020 12:30

My boyfriend has proposed that for Christmas because of lock down his younger brother will be by himself and that we should visit him on Christmas day to give him his presents. I didn’t say anything but the more I think about it the more I am annoyed by the idea.

To give a bit of background and context: My boyfriends brother does not have a good track record when it comes to giving us presents - we often buy him expensive things and he gives us nothing back, or something very generic and inexpensive in return (basically something that hasn’t had any thought put into it whatsoever, i.e. not something homemade or had a lot of thought put into it.) I have given up trying to talk to my boyfriend about it as he is seemingly not bothered that I am hurt and angry on his behalf that he buys his brother all these things and doesn’t get any acknowledgement for it but it’s ultimately his decision if he wants to get treated like this. Personally I think one year we should just not buy him anything and watch the look on his face when he realises he hasn’t got anything from us.

My AIBU is that as Christmas is going to be different this year I thought because of lock down we would be spending the day alone with each other. But now he has mentioned the idea of visiting his family on Christmas morning, including his brother. But I don’t see the point of this at all. All we will be doing is driving from place to place, shouting to each other from a socially acceptable distance and exchanging presents by leaving them in a safe spot - and in the brothers case there will either not be a present to pick up, or something that wasn’t worth the journey. I find Christmas very stressful at the best of times and was looking forward to this year being laid back and relaxed and now I feel like it’s been ruined and a problem before it’s even happened. This would also be taking place in the morning which means getting up early. I just wonder why we should be the ones running around and sacrificing our own morning for the sake of his brother? He wouldn’t do the same for us, he would just see us when he sees us which is exactly what I agree with and wonder why my boyfriend won’t have the same attitude when it comes to dealing with him. His parents alive close so that’s not a grumble but his brothers is a two hour drive away and I won’t want to disrupt our plans and have to get dressed and ready just to drive all the way there and give him all of his presents and stand there while we get nothing back and then say goodbye and drive all the way back when we could instead spend the morning in PJs and just have a relaxing morning together and then just see him on Boxing Day or the days after that. AIBU in thinking that this does not need to take place on Christmas morning and a Skype call would be sufficient?

OP posts:
Leflic · 08/11/2020 15:00

It’s not about the presents - Op mentions them to demonstrate the lack of a reciprocal relationship. However you don’t say if it’s the whole presents things he finds a chore or if he’s just a bit anti social in general.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable given the drive. Why doesn’t the brother come to visit you if his parents are close as well?

Shitonthebloodything · 08/11/2020 15:08

All present giving aside, a 4 hr round trip on Xmas day would be a no from me. Can you compromise and do it on Xmas Eve?

Iwonder08 · 08/11/2020 15:11

OP, it is none of your business what your boyfriend buys for Xmas for his own brother, however you absolutely shouldn't go anywhere on Xmas if you don't want to. He can go alone, you have a nice relaxing morning

KiposWonderbeasts · 08/11/2020 15:14

Your BF wants to see his brother on Christmas Day because otherwise his bro will be alone. That's a generous impulse.

The gift giving is irrelevant. The reciprocity is irrelevant.

You don't like his brother and want to stay home and chill out in PJs, he prioritises family. You don't sound compatible.

lemmywinks84 · 08/11/2020 15:21

Is this the same OP that always bitches about her DPs brother re money/presents?

Bluntness100 · 08/11/2020 15:35

@lemmywinks84

Is this the same OP that always bitches about her DPs brother re money/presents?
Yes that’s what I’m thinking,

Op do you live with him and share accounts?

LolaButt · 08/11/2020 15:35

I guess you only give to receive.

No wonder the bf wants to see his brother. Perhaps he was brought up to believe that people are more important than possessions.

PlanDeRaccordement · 08/11/2020 15:41

It’s not your decision what your boyfriend does with his family on Christmas (so long as not breaking any Covid rules). But you don’t have to go along on the drives. I personally, would wave boyfriend off to deliver and pick up pressies and stay home with the excuse of cooking the Christmas food. Put my feet up with a cup of tea and a mince pie.

1forAll74 · 08/11/2020 15:53

Your BF should go to visit by himself. If your idea of visiting a person who is alone at Christmas, is all about gifts, and not for company,then best that you stay away.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 08/11/2020 15:55

Dear Lord, it is only the 8th of November and yet here you are, back again with your annual whingefest about your BIL. It's like the annual sulphurous Round Robin of Doom.

Have you learned nothing from all the excellent advice you were given last year? More to the point (and frighteningly) has your BF learned nothing? Why is he still with you and your nasty, bitter, controlling, transactional view of the world in general and his brother at Christmas in particular? Does being mean about his brother make you feel good, does it endear you to your BF?

Just tell your BF to post his present and then butt out.

In this particular instance I have no more hoots to give. Go back and reread your old thread and stop bothering all the nice ladies and gentlemen.

As you were.

Imapotato · 08/11/2020 16:02

Could you send him his present by post and then Skype him on Christmas morning? So you could ‘open presents together‘ virtually.

I wouldn’t be keen on a 4 hour round trip to drop off a present.

Even better if rules allow could he spend the day with you at yours? I’d hate to think of a family member completely alone at Christmas.

flaviaritt · 08/11/2020 16:05

I remember this one, too.

AgentProvocateur · 08/11/2020 16:06

Are you the poster who’s always complaining about your boyfriend’s brother and what your boyfriend chooses to give him? If so, I’m surprised you’ve not been dumped by now. You are a controlling and unreasonable boyfriend.

Didntgetmydiamondring · 08/11/2020 16:15

To give a bit of background and context: My boyfriends brother does not have a good track record when it comes to giving us presents - we often buy him expensive things and he gives us nothing back, or something very generic and inexpensive in return (basically something that hasn’t had any thought put into it whatsoever, i.e. not something homemade or had a lot of thought put into it.) I have given up trying to talk to my boyfriend about it as he is seemingly not bothered that I am hurt and angry on his behalf that he buys his brother all these things and doesn’t get any acknowledgement for it but it’s ultimately his decision if he wants to get treated like this. Personally I think one year we should just not buy him anything and watch the look on his face when he realises he hasn’t got anything from us

Is it you again? The ‘my boyfriend gives his brother money........ spent loads on Christmas......he got us a box of chocolates’ ?
YABU
Always.

Fcuk38 · 08/11/2020 16:17

Wow how old are you op? Basic rule you don’t give to get and you sound lovely not wanting to visit as your present will be shit.

DappledThings · 08/11/2020 16:27

@AgentProvocateur

Are you the poster who’s always complaining about your boyfriend’s brother and what your boyfriend chooses to give him? If so, I’m surprised you’ve not been dumped by now. You are a controlling and unreasonable boyfriend.
I'm sure the most recent thread from that poster said they had got married so it would be husband now not boyfriend. But then he also used the fact they were married now as justification for controlling the finances so it may have been untrue and just a way to try and get more sympathy that he has now forgotten he previously claimed.
Ragwort · 08/11/2020 16:32

This is all incredibly familiar, I can't understand why your boyfriend/husband stays with you - you are always complaining about the brother.

2bazookas · 08/11/2020 17:12

Why no0t deliver BILs presents to his parents and he can pick them up there?

WildfirePonie · 08/11/2020 17:57

I'm sure i've read about this before...

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 08/11/2020 21:03

@MadameMinimes

If the OP is who I think he is then this is a recurring theme. His boyfriend is clearly perfectly happy with his relationship with his brother and the OP needs to call it a day if he’s not able to let go of this. If it’s bothering you this much then you just aren’t compatible in the longer term.
I knew I'd read about this poster... it was ringing bells loudly but I couldn't think of who it was. Thank you!
bluegreygreen · 08/11/2020 21:19

@Leflic

It’s not about the presents

On the contrary - it's all about the presents (or at least mostly)

OP regularly complains about his BF lending / giving money to his younger brother. He complains if his BF gives his brother a present which is not reciprocated - and if there is a reciprocal present bins it if it isn't good enough (Roses, anyone?).

gah2teenagers · 08/11/2020 22:03

I’m sure Tesco’s is a lot closer if you fancy a tin of roses. Fuck travelling 4 hours on Xmas day. Your BF sounds lovely but just no. And it doesn’t matter if you have posted before it’s clearly an ongoing annoyance. The brother sounds like he’s growing into a fab DH in future for some poor girl. Any of you lot knocking the OP fancy him? Don’t think so. Inconsiderate dick.

jessstan1 · 08/11/2020 22:21

I cannot imagine telling a 'boyfriend' who he can or cannot see and when.

lyralalala · 08/11/2020 22:28

OP you've been told numerous times on your constant threads that your BF's relationship with his brother is his business.

It's his money he spends, not joint money so it's none of your business.

He has made it quite clear to you time and time again that he has no interest in changing his relationship with his brother to suit you. Either accept it or walk away.

Your constant interferance in his relationship with his family is controlling. You don't get to choose his interactions with his family and you don't get to control his money.

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