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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Are these Christmas plans unreasonable?

124 replies

ChristmasPoster · 08/11/2020 12:30

My boyfriend has proposed that for Christmas because of lock down his younger brother will be by himself and that we should visit him on Christmas day to give him his presents. I didn’t say anything but the more I think about it the more I am annoyed by the idea.

To give a bit of background and context: My boyfriends brother does not have a good track record when it comes to giving us presents - we often buy him expensive things and he gives us nothing back, or something very generic and inexpensive in return (basically something that hasn’t had any thought put into it whatsoever, i.e. not something homemade or had a lot of thought put into it.) I have given up trying to talk to my boyfriend about it as he is seemingly not bothered that I am hurt and angry on his behalf that he buys his brother all these things and doesn’t get any acknowledgement for it but it’s ultimately his decision if he wants to get treated like this. Personally I think one year we should just not buy him anything and watch the look on his face when he realises he hasn’t got anything from us.

My AIBU is that as Christmas is going to be different this year I thought because of lock down we would be spending the day alone with each other. But now he has mentioned the idea of visiting his family on Christmas morning, including his brother. But I don’t see the point of this at all. All we will be doing is driving from place to place, shouting to each other from a socially acceptable distance and exchanging presents by leaving them in a safe spot - and in the brothers case there will either not be a present to pick up, or something that wasn’t worth the journey. I find Christmas very stressful at the best of times and was looking forward to this year being laid back and relaxed and now I feel like it’s been ruined and a problem before it’s even happened. This would also be taking place in the morning which means getting up early. I just wonder why we should be the ones running around and sacrificing our own morning for the sake of his brother? He wouldn’t do the same for us, he would just see us when he sees us which is exactly what I agree with and wonder why my boyfriend won’t have the same attitude when it comes to dealing with him. His parents alive close so that’s not a grumble but his brothers is a two hour drive away and I won’t want to disrupt our plans and have to get dressed and ready just to drive all the way there and give him all of his presents and stand there while we get nothing back and then say goodbye and drive all the way back when we could instead spend the morning in PJs and just have a relaxing morning together and then just see him on Boxing Day or the days after that. AIBU in thinking that this does not need to take place on Christmas morning and a Skype call would be sufficient?

OP posts:
Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 08/11/2020 13:59

Christ it’s way too early to be reading this Grinch fest. YABU and I’m sure the brothers would be very happy to spend time together without you blessing them with your presence.

You’ve basically made it clear that you’re happy to spend time with his family if you’re paid for it. Don’t worry, with that attitude I’m sure they’re not dying to see you either. However they do want to see your DP, who sounds like a lovely person.

You should let him get on with it while you Smaug at home alone in your cave on a pile of treasure. The true meaning of Christmas.

Bluntness100 · 08/11/2020 14:00

I agree with you op, no way I’d see someone alone on Xmas day if I wouldn’t be getting a decent present out of it.

Hmm

Are you the same poster who is always complaining her boyfriend gives his brother money by any chance?

Lavanderrose · 08/11/2020 14:00

Well Christmas is a time for family but I would feel annoyed at travelling 2 hours there and back just to say a quick hello, that’s 4 hours of travelling on Christmas Day. Your husbands relationship with your brother is important to him and you should try and respect this. Suggest that he travels down on Christmas Eve, give him his present and then zoom him on Christmas Day so he can open it then. Also I would try and stop moaning about the brothers Christmas present.

DeciduousPerennial · 08/11/2020 14:01

YANBU. Put them in the bloody post!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 08/11/2020 14:02

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

But it wouldn't bother you if you got a nice gift out of it?

Your boyfriend sounds lovely, kind, thoughtful and generous. You don't sound particularly well matched tbh.

I agree with this entirely. OP, your first post is really awful and it's absolutely not your business.
Justnotme · 08/11/2020 14:07

Some people aren’t into gift-buying, or receiving even. We express love in different ways (and for some people gift-buying has very little to do with love - it’s done out of habit or obligation). Is he a good brother in other ways? Do you understand what your boyf’s relationship with his brother means to him? What does Xmas mean to him?

If he is actually a horrible brother, it might be hard to watch your boyf put energy into the relationship if it’s not reciprocated in any form. But it’s still ultimately up to him. If you really think your boyf is some kind of doormat, it can be helpful to gently express your concern for him. But if we force the issue and insist we become the only priority, we run the risk of treating our partners like our doormats instead.

You’re also entitled to have a say in how you spend your Xmas day. Maybe try and compromise, so that you get a bit of what you need and he gets what he needs too. Good opportunity to reflect on give and take in all relationships. Are things generally in balance between your boyfriend and you? If so, maybe you could see the sacrifice on your part as a Xmas gift to your boyf.

ShoppingBasket · 08/11/2020 14:11

If my 12 year old said this I'd give him a kick in the arse. Yanbu about 4 hour roundtrip, it could be done the following day or some weekend. Alternatively you stay in your pyjamas and let your boyfriend do the trip. I'm glad you don't mind as much about the parents. Jesus. As for the presents HmmConfused what age are you? Maybe the ghosts of Christmas will visit you this year to teach you the true meaning of Christmas.

Di11y · 08/11/2020 14:13

Has his brother not bubbled with anyone to spend Xmas with them?

Tiktaktoe · 08/11/2020 14:14

I find it hard to believe you are not a troll OP. You trot this same post out with some changes on a regular basis.

Mooballs · 08/11/2020 14:19

Lol to your 'not homemade' comment OP. You seem to have very high expectations.

Simplyunacceptable · 08/11/2020 14:22

Yeah it sounds like a naff Christmas to me too. No issue with dropping the presents off on Christmas Eve or slightly before or after Christmas, maybe Boxing Day but on Christmas Day it sounds really crap to me.

EwwSprouts · 08/11/2020 14:25

Your boyfriend is being thoughtful and you can join in and have a fun journey singing xmas songs or stay at home and have a quiet morning. Neither has to be stressful.

iluvgab · 08/11/2020 14:27

Wow - the spirit of Christmas just radiates out from your post.

If this post is genuine then you need to take a good, long hard look at yourself. So unbelievably mean and grabby.
The "not homemade" comment is hilarious - you excelled yourself there. I've never given anyone anything homemade because it would be utter shit if I'd made it.
Your entire post is all about the quality and otherwise of BIL's gifts. Awful.

Having said that, 2 hours there and back is a long way to drive on Christmas day. There must be a better solution to that - eg. going on Boxing Day and making it into a day out or inviting BIL to spend Christmas Day with you.

You have no idea what it is like to spend Christmas on your own which I have had to do for the last few years due to personal circumstances. It's not nice at all.

confusedx3 · 08/11/2020 14:27

I dont agree with you about the present scenario because I dont give gifts expecting to receive but truthfully, I dont think I would want to be driving for four hours on christmas day either.

shesgonebatshitagain · 08/11/2020 14:28

I hope he goes there and leaves you alone with your presents.
I am not into all the crap about Christmas or the schmaltz about it being a time to appreciate what you have and love others. I just don’t like cold hearted, spoiled selfish materialistic people al year round

Thisisnotnormal69 · 08/11/2020 14:28

I really don't get all the responses to all of this. So all of you telling OP how selfish and horrible she is would genuinely would be happy to:

Drive minimum FOUR HOURS on Christmas morning + however long they are there and also stopping off at in laws (which may not be very long if they are close).

or

if they are spending it just as a couple, spend around 5 hours of Christmas Day alone at home if she doesn't go?

Regardless of anything else, everyone else would be totally fine and happy with this arrangement? Yeah bloody right.

All for someone who can't be bothered to make an effort to buy a nice present or even anything which shows any effort, which doesn't have to cost much? OP has said the brother's present is always generic and he doesn't put any effort into it - which is OP's point.

OP personally I would not be happy with this at all, and neither would most people on here, despite what they say. It's obvious you're not bothered about receiving some fancy present yourself but are both upset for your partner and don't want to spend your Christmas Day this way (Don't blame you).

However.... we are due to come out of this lockdown/restrictions by 2nd December and it's very likely there will be relaxation of the other restrictions by Christmas. If his brother lives by himself he can already join another household as support bubble so there's no reason for him to spend the day by himself unless he actually wants to. And if he chooses this rather than going to parents for example there's no need for you to be travelling hours on Christmas morning just to give a present, this can be done beforehand.

However if his parents are nearby then maybe it would be nice to see them on Christmas morning if rules allow? Would you want to be seeing any of your family (Reckon he would be happy spending all of the afternoon visiting your family in theory?!)

SugarCoatIt · 08/11/2020 14:32

You don't give a gift based on expectation, or for reciprocation, you sound really shallow and materialistic harping on about the gift side of things, and Its not even what Christmas is all about.

None of us know how long we are here, if he wants to see his brother, who would otherwise be by himself, then suck it up.

I think you're being very self centred about all this, and don't sound like you've much empathy.

iluvgab · 08/11/2020 14:39

It's obvious you're not bothered about receiving some fancy present yourself but are both upset for your partner and don't want to spend your Christmas Day this way (Don't blame you).

It's not obvious at all that the OP is not bothered about a fancy present. Most of the post is about the present eg.
and in the brothers case there will either not be a present to pick up, or something that wasn’t worth the journey.
I won’t want to disrupt our plans and have to get dressed and ready just to drive all the way there and give him all of his presents and stand there while we get nothing back

It comes across extremely grabby and unfortunately the issue of having to drive a total of 4 hours on Christmas Day has been lost among all of that stuff about the presents. It's too far to drive and they need to think of alternative arrangements which would make Christmas nice for everyone but OP also needs to think about how she expresses her wishes so she comes across better in real life than she does in her post...

Ellmau · 08/11/2020 14:44
  1. You shouldn't give presents based on what you might or might not get back.
  1. Let your BF go and see his DB. You don't have to go.
Thisisnotnormal69 · 08/11/2020 14:45

@iluvgab I agree the focus at the beginning is the presents but I think that's because it's because of giving presents that her DP wants to drive all the way to brothers and the impact this has on the day?

I don't think anything in the OP suggested she wanted something nice for herself, just that as she says, she is upset on DP's behalf (As I would be).

besides the presents situation OP all the driving is ridiculous as is being left alone all morning, I would make that the focus of your conversation with him and ignore the present issue for now. And besides he may not be by himself on the day anyway.

CorvusPurpureus · 08/11/2020 14:45

Oh, you're the 'frequent flyer' poster who took umbrage at a box of Roses your boyfriend had been given by his brother & chucked them in the bin, aren't you?

SingANewSongChickenTikka · 08/11/2020 14:52

Oh, you’re back! This has been going on a long time. You need to accept that your boyfriend thinks a lot more of his brother than you do and either make your peace with it or move on.

Fridgeandkitchen · 08/11/2020 14:58

Yeah, stopped reading just about here My boyfriends brother does not have a good track record when it comes to giving us presents

MadameMinimes · 08/11/2020 14:59

If the OP is who I think he is then this is a recurring theme. His boyfriend is clearly perfectly happy with his relationship with his brother and the OP needs to call it a day if he’s not able to let go of this. If it’s bothering you this much then you just aren’t compatible in the longer term.

Ponoka7 · 08/11/2020 15:00

"and I won’t want to disrupt our plans and have to get dressed and ready just to drive"

They are your plans, not yours and your bf's plans. You are entitled to make your plans for the day and he's entitled to make his.

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