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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband acts like my child

112 replies

Hoc1 · 08/11/2020 08:20

Please help me get some perspective here, opinions would be gratefully recieved!

My husband has always been a bit of a loner. At 32 I was his first serious girlfriend. However he was kind, affectionate, caring, romantic and patient. He is socially anxious.

We've now got 2 DC, one 3.5 year old and one 5.5 month old.

I feel like a completely selfish person, bringing another baby into the world as we were still having issues on and off when I got pregnant again.

He see's me as the person responsible for everything.....kids, house etc. I'm currently on mat leave but will go back 3 days a week in March. He'll still see me as the person responsible for everything when I'm back at work too. He even asks my permission on things.

He never goes out, doesnt want to suggest doing anything. He's constantly anxious about getting things 'wrong' this comes from his upbringing. He'd rather not try than get it wrong.

After years of this, he's been seeing a counsellor but nothing really changes. He still says it's his upbringing and he can't help his anxiety. I get tha, but he literally doesnt know if taking DC 1 to park is ok and asks me if it's ok to do it rather than suggesting it. He looks for my permission. I have explained so many times he doesnt need to 'ask' that he's a dad and a partner, not a child at school.

Some of my friends have it much worse. Their husbands go out with friends and leave them to deal with kids alone, aren't there for kids bdays etc.

So, I feel like I should appreciate hubby, he's a bloody good dad.

But I feel like we're not equal, he doesn't ever want to discuss anything and he strops like a toddler when I try to get an opinion. He says he feels put on the spot and he just can't give an opinion.

Is this just what a relationship is like with kids???? Should I stop expecting anything different? Do I just keep going like this? I'm really unhappy.

OP posts:

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 08/11/2020 08:24

How is he a good dad if he leaves you to deal with everything?
Are you sure it's a lack of confidence rather than the old trick of using " incompetence " as a cop out ? Does he work ? Presumably if he does then he actually can be an adult .

Nottherealslimshady · 08/11/2020 08:26

It's a tough one. Hes not doing it because he doesn't care about his kids, he does it because he lacks confidence, I kinda feel sorry for him.
I dont think you can change him but I dont think you should leave him, you could do alot worse.
Could you sit together to put firm plans in place which include times that he takes the kids to the park, times that you need to discuss something and keep it all on an online calendar so he can be prepared for these things happening.

FippertyGibbett · 08/11/2020 08:31

If you are really unhappy and nothing is changing you need to decide what you want to do.
Do you feel that you would be happier doing it all on your own and without the stress of DH, or would you feel happier staying as you are ?
If he isn’t going to change (and I don’t believe people do) where do you want to be in r, 10, 20 years time, with or without him ?

Juststopit · 08/11/2020 08:33

That sounds tough. You’re carrying the ‘mental
load’. It’s hard to find someone attractive when you end up acting like their mother. The fact he goes to counselling is a positive though, has it helped at all?

Hailtomyteeth · 08/11/2020 08:38

Therapy takes a while. From what you've written, it sounds like he could be a good man if you are both prepared to put the work in and be patient. There is light at the end of the tunnel, but maybe it will take too long. Sounds as if you're already losing faith in the relationship. He hasn't changed from how he was when you met him, though, so why is it different now?

I remember when my dd was born, I had far less patience for my then-h's ways. I needed him to be an adult, and he wasn't. Becoming a parent changed me, but it did not change him.

AlwaysCheddar · 08/11/2020 08:39

Wtf! He’s not a bloody good dad! Wake up... do you want this to be your life? No thanks. Not fair on you or kids.

Marchmarch · 08/11/2020 08:40

Does he have any autistic/asperger traits?

RhiWrites · 08/11/2020 08:41

You shouldn’t have to be his relationship tutor. Is there a dad’s net? Or can he join r/parenting or something and ask his questions there?

ShebaShimmyShake · 08/11/2020 08:43

Some of my friends have it much worse. Their husbands go out with friends and leave them to deal with kids alone, aren't there for kids bdays etc.

This isn't relevant.

I'd struggle with this, OP. To be fair, this isn't a personality type I could ever be attracted to anyway, but there is a difference between being shy and gentle and just not being able to function on basic life and parenting. It certainly sounds as though he's a good person under it all but you do need to step up when you become a parent. Is there a way of communicating to him that what he might see as a desire to please (asking permission all the time etc) is actually very very displeasing and makes things harder? Does he understand that?

ScrapThatThen · 08/11/2020 08:44

Is he working? Is he the same at work? Can you maybe suggest building towards one day a week when you are off duty for decision making and he takes the lead with everything dc related (meal planning, making meals, clothing choices, routine and structure). You will stand back (help, because dc are so little) but not comment or criticise because his view is as valid as yours. He can only learn through making mistakes.

HugeAckmansWife · 08/11/2020 08:46

This isn't a reason not to leave if that's what you ultimately need, but would he have the confidence to have the kids on his own if you did? It might be that it would actually be the making of him.. He'd have to work stuff out himself. You say it's because of his upbringing...was he babied, or made to feel useless or what? My ex was a bit like this and when we split (ow) he turned it on me and said he resented me treating him like a child. In his case it was his over anxious mother not letting him do anything and catastrophising and his dad being very 'alpha male' and him not measuring up to expectations.

GreasyFryUp · 08/11/2020 08:48

Always been a bit of a loner - there's a reason for that and probably the same reason why he behaves as he does in the marriage. I also suspect a diagnosis of some kind.

What his relationship with his parents like? In what way is his upbringing a problem?

FippertyGibbett · 08/11/2020 08:50

@Marchmarch

Does he have any autistic/asperger traits?

I didn’t like to be the one to say this, but if he has it could help you with how to handle/help him.

FusionChefGeoff · 08/11/2020 08:51

DH has his moments like this (no where near the level you are dealing with) and after reading lots and lots of threads I've started to use the 'I don't know' reply every time he's looking to me to 'wife work'.

'Oh isn't it so and so's birthday soon' - I don't know, text them and ask
'Where is xxxx' - no idea sorry
'What shall I take for a snack' - don't know, you decide
'What shall we do tomorrow' - don't mind, you decide

Admittedly this leaves a big problem still with the lack of pro activity etc but if you can at least pull back from getting involved in the 'asking permission' questions he might learn to stop asking?

Queenoftheashes · 08/11/2020 08:52

Do you think he’s seeing the right counsellor? He may need to look into some different types of therapy if he’s not getting strategies together to deal with anxiety?

Coffeecak3 · 08/11/2020 08:57

It sounds like anxiety to me. Is he on medication?

When he asks to do something turn it into
That’s a great idea.

Or if there is a task.
The car insurance needs renewing, I’ve left the information next to the phone for you.

PerseverancePays · 08/11/2020 09:00

It does sound like he needs a diagnosis. Also maybe a change of counsellor. If he’s had the same one for a long time it might have all got too comfortable and be a pleasant place for a chat rather than working through uncomfortable/painful stuff. Maybe someone a bit more goal oriented with some life coaching training and less hashing over the traumatic childhood. He needs coping strategies not babying.

MotherOfUnicorns4 · 08/11/2020 09:02

I was also going to ask about autistic/aspergers traits. My OH has just been diagnosed and has similarities.

HarleyQuinn33 · 08/11/2020 09:03

I completely see how frustrating this must be for you. It must be really tiring to be the more responsible party in the house. I would say this is not such a black and white issue to agree or disagree with. You are certainly justified to feel upset that he is not helping you. All mother's deserve an equal partner. However, I also think you knowingly had children with a socially anxious man. Social anxiety is a mental health problem and one he cannot be blamed for. Becoming a father would never have suddenly cured him of his anxiety and you should acknowledge this. If anything, it is very stressful and can exacerbate things. He probably needs reassurance that he does not need to ask permission to do things with the kids and for you to let him know when you need more help. That might mean you have to explicitly ask him to do something for you e.g plan an activity with the children. He can't help feeling like he is going to do things wrong as this is what socially anxious people often feel, he will need more support and encouragement than most.

Perhaps he could try CBT instead of counselling as it is designed to help change thought patterns and gives people self awareness and strategies.

Movinghouse2015 · 08/11/2020 09:05

I would get a whiteboard and each day list the jobs that need to be done. He can go to the board and look at what needs to be done and encourage him to complete one or two tasks per day without seeking reassurance. I know this sounds like you are treating him like a child, but he needs to develop confidence he can make choices. I'd keep it simple to start with.

At weekends or days off. I'd list suggested activities and again encourage him to select one/two per weekend and take the lead.

I'd hope over time that the whiteboard can go and he will start to take initiative as he will have more confidence.

NetflixWatcher · 08/11/2020 09:11

Couldn't deal with that he sounds like an 8 year old not a man.

Aosdana · 08/11/2020 09:13

@ShebaShimmyShake

Some of my friends have it much worse. Their husbands go out with friends and leave them to deal with kids alone, aren't there for kids bdays etc.

This isn't relevant.

This. I know someone like this, with much older children, and despite being in his early 50s, he is his exhausted wife’s eldest child — he takes zero actual responsibility for anything to do with the children (childcare drop offs or pick ups, clothes purchases, sports, supervising homework, bedtimes, organising play dates, dealing with problems at school), household stuff, finances.

He is a completely helpless person. I was once a last-minute replacement on a work trip with him in another country, in a city he knew well and I didn’t, and when he got us lost on public transport, he actually messaged his wife — who was at work on another continent — because that was normal for him. He treated his wife as an eight year old might view mummy.

He’s now divorced, unsurprisingly, and, equally unsurprisingly, the children spend very little time with him, by his wish, because he has no clue how to look after them. And has had bailiffs in because with his finances his own now, he keeps forgetting to make payments.

It’s a mess.

Winterwoollies · 08/11/2020 09:13

@Movinghouse2015 it may be a good idea but how depressing is it that OP might have to do what sounds like a reward chart for her adult husband, just to get him to take some responsibility for his own and his family’s life.

BreatheAndFocus · 08/11/2020 09:15

It depends if your reassurance and direction is helping him improve or not. When he asks your opinion of, for example, a park visit, if you reply Yes does that increase his confidence in his decision-making?

I don’t think he sounds awful - just hugely lacking in confidence. If he could improve that, would that work for you even if the anxiety/lower confidence remained underneath?

Re the household jobs side, I suspect it’s again a lack of confidence - he’s scared he’ll mess it up somehow. I get it must be annoying, so the question is how much you’re prepared to invest in his improvement.

I’d be interested in hearing more about his upbringing. The fact you said he won’t discuss opinions, suggests he was always shouted down or told he was wrong possibly.

Trisolaris · 08/11/2020 09:18

I used closed choices a lot with my partner as he finds too many options make him anxious and he can’t decide. This might help when you are trying to get an opinion?

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