Husband acts like my child

[Hoc1]

Please help me get some perspective here, opinions would be gratefully recieved!

My husband has always been a bit of a loner. At 32 I was his first serious girlfriend. However he was kind, affectionate, caring, romantic and patient. He is socially anxious.

We've now got 2 DC, one 3.5 year old and one 5.5 month old.

I feel like a completely selfish person, bringing another baby into the world as we were still having issues on and off when I got pregnant again.

He see's me as the person responsible for everything.....kids, house etc. I'm currently on mat leave but will go back 3 days a week in March. He'll still see me as the person responsible for everything when I'm back at work too. He even asks my permission on things.

He never goes out, doesnt want to suggest doing anything. He's constantly anxious about getting things 'wrong' this comes from his upbringing. He'd rather not try than get it wrong.

After years of this, he's been seeing a counsellor but nothing really changes. He still says it's his upbringing and he can't help his anxiety. I get tha, but he literally doesnt know if taking DC 1 to park is ok and asks me if it's ok to do it rather than suggesting it. He looks for my permission. I have explained so many times he doesnt need to 'ask' that he's a dad and a partner, not a child at school.

Some of my friends have it much worse. Their husbands go out with friends and leave them to deal with kids alone, aren't there for kids bdays etc.

So, I feel like I should appreciate hubby, he's a bloody good dad.

But I feel like we're not equal, he doesn't ever want to discuss anything and he strops like a toddler when I try to get an opinion. He says he feels put on the spot and he just can't give an opinion.

Is this just what a relationship is like with kids???? Should I stop expecting anything different? Do I just keep going like this? I'm really unhappy.

You also said that he happily played all day with your DC and made lunch. If he can make lunch, he can make tea, and playing with kids is the fun bit....

Your husband needs the right therapy to lower his anxiety before things will improve. The counselling isn't working. Get him to try seeing a solution focused hypnotherapist- many will have a free first session-this will help massively with lowering his anxiety and increasing his confidence sogradually he will have confidence to do more.

@LoeliaPonsonby

Why are we jumping to an armchair diagnosis when the more obvious solution is that his parents completely failed to teach him how to be an adult, and a good dose of laziness and sexism means that he expects his life to be managed by a woman? I find it concerning that so many people are so quick to attribute crap behaviour to being somehow “on the spectrum”.

Does he hold down a job? If he can do that he’s capable of behaving as a functional partner ought to.

Ironically, the sexism on this issue is that if a woman had posted this , we would support her.

Story do you mean that if a woman had posted about anxiety and struggling with decision making etc, that women would have offered support, advice etc, and yet because it’s a man we are pointing out how crap the behaviour is?

Perhaps it’s because whenever I see women posting about being anxious etc, they are a) aware it’s an issue, b) interested in doing something about it and c) generally doing absolutely everything they can to minimise the impact on their family and still managing to cook, clean and run a household? For the vast, vast majority of women, just downing tools and outsourcing all the mental load just isn’t an option.

Rather than micro manage him with lists etc have you tried telling him exactly what you expect? Tell him the result rather than the method. So if you’re out all day, tell him you expect the house to be clean and tidy on your return and let him figure out what that entails.

@LoeliaPonsonby

Story do you mean that if a woman had posted about anxiety and struggling with decision making etc, that women would have offered support, advice etc, and yet because it’s a man we are pointing out how crap the behaviour is?

Perhaps it’s because whenever I see women posting about being anxious etc, they are a) aware it’s an issue, b) interested in doing something about it and c) generally doing absolutely everything they can to minimise the impact on their family and still managing to cook, clean and run a household? For the vast, vast majority of women, just downing tools and outsourcing all the mental load just isn’t an option.

He is aware its an issue , he has accessed counselling and is asking OP for advice and support .

Not true on c), we see many, many posts a day where OP is at the end of her tether and the advise us to get in the car and go and leave DJ to it.

@LoeliaPonsonby DH, sorry.

Speaking as the more useless one, there are some really good programs for this with practical steps (I can suggest one).

I also think anxiety should be better treated in autism. Social inclusion is one of the pillars of life and if you’re constantly missing cues or feeling that you’re wrong socially, you avoid doing activities that would build your self esteem and sense of capability and it feeds the cycle.

It’s the avoidance that I think you should tackle because every time you avoid, you are putting a big fat tick in the I can’t do it box instead of the Its not great but I’ve had a go box or the ive done this before box. It’s not building the muscle of capability. YouTube therapy in a nutshell is good on it.

Not all autistic people obviously! Many are fabulously capable and confident and have groups of friends. I just see this as a vital piece for some.

I think the biggest issue for me with men like this is it's deeply unsexy. No one wants to shag Kevin the teenager. No one wants to shag someone who is effectively a project. It kills it stone dead.

I don't understand how infantile people don't seem to look at role models or characters in films that are fully mature and functioning adults that pay bills, arrange mortgages etc. and not aspire to being some way towards that level of functionality.

How can a man like this watch a program about the harshness of a life of farming or being a fisherman or something equally responsible and yet somehow then retreat into the wendy house of their own mind thinking they are somehow different to those people.

We would all love to have a life of pampering and having a permanent concierge service but no matter what sort of childhood you had, real life should bite you on the arse at some point to force you to make a bit of a spread sheet over finances, when the car needs an MOT and when the chimney will need a sweep.

There seems to be more and more infantile people now though.

As a PP said. Being padly parented might be the reason but it shouldn't remain an excuse.

Hi OP. I can really relate to your post. My DH is quite similar. For him his upbringing was in a multi generational household in a different culture and he never had to take responsibility for things as there was always an older member of the family to do it. It greatly frustrated me to begin with in my marriage. However 3 dc later I came to realise I need to change my focus and use the fact my husband leaves decision making to me to my advantage. Like your husband my dh is great with the kids and always at home when he's not as work. So if I want to go out with a friend at the weekend I can always rely on my dh to be with the dc. Whereas for other couples maybe both want to go out and see friends or take part in a hobby. Also I make decisions about what we do as a family and how we spend our time. There's no arguments or conflicts of interest as he always has no plans ! I get it can be tedious but you married this man and part of marriage is to take on board someone's weak points as well as their strengths. Your dh played with your daughter all day and made her lunch you say. That is an amazing experience for your daughter that no other man you meet will be able to replace. No one will care about your kids as much as your DH, please remember that every time you feel frustrated with his personality.

It sounds like he's trying but it's just the way he's asking you that's irritating you. You need to rise above these feelings and have patience and forgiveness towards him. You can change your perspective and recognise that he's trying to be a good parent and husband. We can always focus on what the ideal man or husband does, but are you the ideal woman or wife ? Or does your husband bear with your weaknesses as well? I suspect it's the latter. Marriage is not all romance and the other person being sexy and attractive, it's bearing with each other's weaknesses and focusing on the other persons positive traits in order to make things work. I also am left with the decisions about the home, but I've come to view myself as the home manager and see it as a positive that I am in charge of the home. Yes making decisions about everything is not that easy but in time everything becomes routine and I find better ways of doing things. I view it that I am the best one to make the decisions so that's why I have that role. My husband is good at other things that I'm not good at and he does those things. We work as a team not by doing everything together and making decisions jointly but my each doing what plays to our strengths. I hope you manage to find contentment in your situation and even one day feel happiness. When you come on these message boards everyone will pick holes in your DH and your dh will never measure up but these people did not commit to your dh in marriage and he's not the father of their children. You can either keep finding fault with him and tear your marriage down and your kids futures or you can work with who he is and focus on your strengths and build your marriage up and give your children a happy childhood. Please don't show him this thread I think it won't do your marriage any favours.

But it's not just the decision he leaves to the wife, it's the work too, the mental load. There's personality flaws and then there's just plain old bugging out of real life and expecting some other poor sod to pick up the slack!

Your dh played with your daughter all day and made her lunch you say. That is an amazing experience for your daughter that no other man you meet will be able to replace.

I played with my daughter this weekend and fed her too. Do I get a medal?

Being a good parent doesn’t warrant any congratulations - it should be a given.

@ShebaShimmyShake

Your dh played with your daughter all day and made her lunch you say. That is an amazing experience for your daughter that no other man you meet will be able to replace.

I played with my daughter this weekend and fed her too. Do I get a medal?

The bar is so low in that post it’s thoroughly depressing.

The bar is so low in that post it’s thoroughly depressing.

Yeah. I picked out the thing that annoyed me most but there was competition.

Great post chicken arm

We have so many influences around us we can find new ways

Great response OP x good luck

By saying he's a good dad, I mean he gives his all to our dc1. Today he's played all day with her today and made her her lunch

Woohoo, dad of the year! Does he make her doctors appts, know if her vaccinations are up to date, arrange nursery, take time to teach her about the world etc?

He sounds a lot like my last ex, completely unable to think for himself, everything i suggested doing he immediately agreed with, never suggested anything himself, i lost so much respect for him as i realised he drifted through life, i got zero input into the relationship from him, it was like being on my own but worse because i had to think for him too. I ended it as it became too frustrating, he was diagnosed with Aspergers while i was with him too.

How many sessions has he had with the counsellor? If things aren't improving they may not be the right fit or he could have a not very good one. I imagine it's taken longer for him to get to the nub of things but six months? I'd look for a different person.

Your dh played with your daughter all day and made her lunch you say. That is an amazing experience for your daughter that no other man you meet will be able to replace.

Oh, I saw this quoted and thought it was sarcastic. I see it was sincere. Blimey!

My DC has grandfathers, uncles and male family friends, any of whom could and would do this. Playing with a child and making them lunch is not remarkable. It's nice and it's normal.

Sure, no-one else is her father. In terms of ensuring she has some positive memories of time spent with her father, no other man can compete. But that is true of any tiny little nice thing he does. Surely though, we expect most people to be nice, most of the time? This should not be remarkable.

It sounds like he's trying but it's just the way he's asking you that's irritating you.

Well no. It sounds like he's a deeply lazy, complacent person who is not trying at all.

I'm all for partners complementing each other and playing to their strengths. What are his strengths?

Going back to the OP, I find this bit really interesting and unexpected, in the context of everything else: he strops like a toddler when I try to get an opinion. He says he feels put on the spot and he just can't give an opinion.

I can understand that as he struggles with decision-making, he might feel put on the spot and say 'sorry I can't decide right now, I need a bit of time to think it through, can we talk again tomorrow?'.

But stropping like a toddler? That has nothing to do with anything else OP has said. The sort of strict, over-directed, judgemental parenting OP/her DP seem to be claiming he experienced, would not have tolerated tantrums and strops.

I would suggest that he is using these strops as a tool to control OP. He thinks that if he makes it difficult enough for her to ask him to engage with family life and take responsibility for anything, eventually she'll give up and he won't have to do it.

@LoeliaPonsonby

Story do you mean that if a woman had posted about anxiety and struggling with decision making etc, that women would have offered support, advice etc, and yet because it’s a man we are pointing out how crap the behaviour is?

Perhaps it’s because whenever I see women posting about being anxious etc, they are a) aware it’s an issue, b) interested in doing something about it and c) generally doing absolutely everything they can to minimise the impact on their family and still managing to cook, clean and run a household? For the vast, vast majority of women, just downing tools and outsourcing all the mental load just isn’t an option.

Exactly. Female anxiety, curiously enough, is internalised, and tends not to manifest as ‘Well, I’m too worried about getting it wrong to ever feed, clothe or otherwise look after our children, so you do it, DH, because I’ll only screw up and feel bad. Actually, why don’t you take on the entire mental load of the children and household, because it’s too much for me, and just delegate specific minor tasks with detailed instructions, and give me plenty of praise if I get it right?’

The OP’s husband’s presentation looks oddly like strategic incompetence from where I’m sitting, whether conscious or unconscious. And desperately exhausting to deal with.

It ended the long marriage of a couple I know, and, outrageously, it wasn’t the exhausted wife who said ‘enough’, it was the incompetent, anxious husband who decided the demands of family life were not for him!

@ShebaShimmyShake

The bar is so low in that post it’s thoroughly depressing.

Yeah. I picked out the thing that annoyed me most but there was competition.

Agreed.

I do wonder if some of the differences in rates of diagnosis between males and females for ASD, and other disorders with a social interaction aspect is simply because society does not give women the option to opt out of caring or social responsibilities. Far less pressure on boys to learn social skills by “playing nicely” in the same fashion little girls are expected to prioritise friendship.