Husband acts like my child

[Hoc1]

Please help me get some perspective here, opinions would be gratefully recieved!

My husband has always been a bit of a loner. At 32 I was his first serious girlfriend. However he was kind, affectionate, caring, romantic and patient. He is socially anxious.

We've now got 2 DC, one 3.5 year old and one 5.5 month old.

I feel like a completely selfish person, bringing another baby into the world as we were still having issues on and off when I got pregnant again.

He see's me as the person responsible for everything.....kids, house etc. I'm currently on mat leave but will go back 3 days a week in March. He'll still see me as the person responsible for everything when I'm back at work too. He even asks my permission on things.

He never goes out, doesnt want to suggest doing anything. He's constantly anxious about getting things 'wrong' this comes from his upbringing. He'd rather not try than get it wrong.

After years of this, he's been seeing a counsellor but nothing really changes. He still says it's his upbringing and he can't help his anxiety. I get tha, but he literally doesnt know if taking DC 1 to park is ok and asks me if it's ok to do it rather than suggesting it. He looks for my permission. I have explained so many times he doesnt need to 'ask' that he's a dad and a partner, not a child at school.

Some of my friends have it much worse. Their husbands go out with friends and leave them to deal with kids alone, aren't there for kids bdays etc.

So, I feel like I should appreciate hubby, he's a bloody good dad.

But I feel like we're not equal, he doesn't ever want to discuss anything and he strops like a toddler when I try to get an opinion. He says he feels put on the spot and he just can't give an opinion.

Is this just what a relationship is like with kids???? Should I stop expecting anything different? Do I just keep going like this? I'm really unhappy.

Is he Autistic?
Sounds like he needs meds for his anxiety if it’s so bad it causing martial problems. He also needs to develop strategies around making decisions. There are organisations within the Autistic community who can help with this type of difficulty if you feel he is on the spectrum.

If he has social anxiety disorder he needs CBT for this rather than counselling. Are you able to encourage him to go back to the GP for a referral for CBT?

I would stand off from making a decision at lot if the time and reflect the questions back at him, using ‘I don’t know what do you think?’ It sounds exhausting to have to do all the thinking.

As part of my job as a manager, I do quite a bit of coaching and building confidence in decision making is a key issue. I do the same with my DC.

When they ask me if its ok to do something, I flip it round and ask them what they think - and get them to talk through the rationale.

Not sure if you want to do this though - he sounds like hard work.

If you did leave him do you think he would be able to step up and live alone, look after a home, care for your DC alone etc? I guess I am asking if this behaviour is something you think k he could overcome and chooses not to or if it will always be insurmountable? What was it about his childhood that makes him think this is responsible for the way he is?

Pursuing a diagnosis for autism might help OP. You DH will understand himself better and be able to develop appropriate coping techniques. CBT could really help too.

@GreasyFryUp

Always been a bit of a loner - there's a reason for that and probably the same reason why he behaves as he does in the marriage. I also suspect a diagnosis of some kind.

What his relationship with his parents like? In what way is his upbringing a problem?

Yes. Socially anxious, loner......trouble with executive functioning....

Does he have to make decisions in his job?

I hate to armchair diagnose but as others have said he sounds like he’s on the spectrum.

Here's what I'd do. I'd make a list of all the things that have to be done - itemise every one of them to keep the household running physically and another list of all the things that need thinking about, deciding on, remembering, coping with, planning - the invisible mental load.
Very kindly explain to him that this is too much for you. that having to be responsible for all of it is making you feel overwhelmed and you don;t want to end up resentful. Explain that you understand his upbringing has made him timid but (and this is the essential bit) you have complete faith that he is a loving capable man who can handle some of the load without needing your support or approval.

Ask him to tick off half the items on the list to be responsible for and tell him you will trust him to do them, to sometimes make mistakes or forget, like any normal human, but to generally cope with them.

In a loving way, ask him to practise making statements rather than asking permission, and reiterate that you know he is ready to grow and wants to feel more confident. Get him to say stuff like: 'I'm taking DC to the park' or 'I'm just going to get some milk and bread.' I know it might sound ridiculous to people who haven't been overly controlled in childhood, but he has, and you know this, so it's fine for you, between you to devise loving ways for him to overcome this.

Also, recommend that he looks online for tips on household stuff as there are youtube videos and online hacks for almost everything these days.

It is a tough one.
It sounds like the marriage is worth fighting for.
I'd make him responsible for a few small things first to give him confidence.
He really needs to focus it'll improve his anxiety.
Is he on medication if not he should be.

You have all of the mental load, so he needs to take on a greater share of the other chores to equalise it.

Which chores is he able to do? Delegate clearly and firmly. Give him tasks which will always be his, so there's never a question.

Laundry could be a good one:

• All washing in the washing basket on Friday needs to be washed, dried, folded and returned to appropriate drawers/cupboards by Sunday evening.
• All bedding needs to be washed once a X (week / month).
• All hand towels and bath towels need to be washed once a X (week / month).
• Suggest his first action is to write it on a calendar so there'll never be a question of which weekends he needs to do things.

My nephew is like this. His DMum (my SIL) and my bro to a degree overparented him and his sister to the most ridiculous degree. Neither of the kids had to make any decisions or think about anything in their lives. The mother used to answer for them, formulate opinions for them and helicoptered to the Nth degree. The daughter is now dead as she was incapable of looking after herself and made a stubpid decision and the son is married to someone amazing but she treats him like he is her child which has ground her down over the years.
Overparenting is not doing the kids a favour. Maybe this is what happened to him although this doesn't solve the problem at all.

It isn’t the OPs job to teach/train/encourage her husband. She has enough to do!

OP if you have the energy to do whiteboards etc then go for it but really he’s a grown man. You could go to therapy and discuss this all but he needs to find the solutions surely? It’s not easy sorry you are in this situation.

Life with small children is always tough and stressful IME, especially if both parents are working. My suggestions for you to think about:
Perhaps try to establish responsibility for different household jobs (eg cooking/washing up/cleaning bathroom) and for activities with the DC eg he always take them out to park on a Sunday morning, he always does their bedtime stories etc.
Give him positive feedback on everything possible and try not to criticise.
Accept that you are in a position of responsibility for the household and be proud of your ability to manage well.
Get time to yourself to exercise when he has DC to improve wellbeing and escape the frustration.
Personally I would not consider separating in your position, Your DH sounds like a kind and decent man albeit with a serious lack of confidence. Life as a single parent would probably be much tougher.

Sounds a bit like my fil. Definitely on the spectrum. When my mil was alive, she would constantly tell him what to do. I mean she didn’t stop talking - think she may have been on the spectrum as well but idk. He coped fine when she died but I think that was the decades of training.

My DH is/was similar.

I handed over the role of food shopping and cooking and stood back and let him sink them swim. I was vocal about vegetables being a part of each evening meal but beyond that (and telling him a couple of times food was not cooked sufficiently!) I appreciated his cooking and he's better than me now 😂

When I went back full time he also took over laundry responsibilities.

He now carries the mental load for loads of the household and DC stuff and I no longer feel like he isn't my equal. I also know if I drop dead he can run the house and look after the DC.

If he struggles to make decisions, formally divide up tasks. Examples - this weekend he catches up on the laundry and gives the DC’s wardrobes a tidy up. Next, (when Covid lockdown isn’t in place) he takes DC’s to get new shoes, organises a day out with friends or family.

Well no, this is not what most relationships are like, with DC, because most men are not like your DH.

Two main things jump out to me:

1. Thinking everything domestic and childcare-related is your responsibility isn't anxiety, it's sexism. It's a belief, not a behaviour. Beliefs underlie behaviours and, unless the belief changes, attempts to amend behaviours are always superficial.

He could believe he is responsible for half of all cooking, cleaning, organising childcare and family activites, feel anxious about fulfilling those obligations and struggle to do so. That would not manifest itself as an assumption that you would do it all. It might result in him struggling, faffing and asking for help.

2. Having children was never going to 'cure' him and give him abilities and experience that he didn't previously possess. He has plainly not had the normal young adult experiences of growing up, gaining life exprience and confidence and is now quite socially and emotionally stunted. You can't expect him to leapfrog that void.

But, he isn't practically and physically stunted. He's perfectly capable of cleaning, changing nappies, looking after household admin etc. He must have looked after himself and his home before you got together.

So he could take on more of the boring, regular, prediictable suff, like keeping the house clean, keeping track of finances etc, to free you up to do more of the more creative, pro-active stuff.

Then, I'd suggest passing responsibility for some of that less predictable stuff to him, bit by bit. Make a specific area 'his responsibility' e.g.bath times, or meal planning and shopping. Give him time to work out how to do it, seek advice, try it, grow into it. once he's competent at one thing, he could move on to another. Eventually he might share enough competence that you could split things more flexibly and work more as a team, picking up and passing to each other.

As with everything that seems overwhelming, the answer is to break it down into bite-sized pieces.

There has to be a willingness to try though. If he fundamentally believes everything is your responsibility, as a woman, while he goes to work then puts his feet up, then deeply entrenched sexism, not anxiety, is the problem.

People who don't have to carry the mental load can often really underestimate what it's like or lack a full understanding of it...

I've found this comic strip to be quite useful in explaining the mental load to people. I know that not all of it will be relevant to you and your husband, but maybe you could show some of the mental load bits to your husband to explain how it makes you feel when you have to keep track of everything and make all the decisions.

english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

Your hubby is not a good dad. A good dad works on a relationship with his kid, a good dad helps out and a good dad is a grown up.

It sounds like your hubby has anxiety, this is a horrible problem, he is also an adult and he needs to look after his mental health. Suggest he gets therapy and takes it seriously.

Imagine your hubby was so obese he couldn’t run around after his kids? A good dad would lose some weight so he could function as a dad, well
you have to look after your mental health I’m the same way to be a good parent.

If your hubby doesn’t want to help himself show him the door.

Thats just too much for you OP. I had a friend in a similar situation .I was very suprised she was literally doing all things by herself .You should tell your hubby what needs to be done in the house and the help you need .Make a list and then separate work .My friends hubby was a home maker but he was clue less what to do so he made a list and told her everything .Some sort of counselling is also needed here but don't make it a burden .I think once your hubby will start doing tasks independently he would regain his lost confidence as I can see here .
Also for social anxiety , you cannot control it but instead help him get out of it .
Dont make your hubby to just put his head behind his anxiety and just dont do anything about it .

Hope this helps u

Undiagnosed ASD possibly?

So sad seeing so many people suggest to the OP that she take on more responsibility for her husband by writing him lists so he does basic things the whole point of the thread is that OP does not want to be responsible for this man's daily functions (and who the heck would?!)

YANBU at all OP. People cannot hide behind a rough childhood as an excuse to never grow or take responsibility for their own life and their children. Why on earth does having anxiety translate into you doing all the housework? No I'm not impressed by most of these responses at all, a lot of apologists for this irresponsible, lazy man. When you are a parent you have to step up, regardless of how your own childhood was.