Husband acts like my child

[Hoc1]

Please help me get some perspective here, opinions would be gratefully recieved!

My husband has always been a bit of a loner. At 32 I was his first serious girlfriend. However he was kind, affectionate, caring, romantic and patient. He is socially anxious.

We've now got 2 DC, one 3.5 year old and one 5.5 month old.

I feel like a completely selfish person, bringing another baby into the world as we were still having issues on and off when I got pregnant again.

He see's me as the person responsible for everything.....kids, house etc. I'm currently on mat leave but will go back 3 days a week in March. He'll still see me as the person responsible for everything when I'm back at work too. He even asks my permission on things.

He never goes out, doesnt want to suggest doing anything. He's constantly anxious about getting things 'wrong' this comes from his upbringing. He'd rather not try than get it wrong.

After years of this, he's been seeing a counsellor but nothing really changes. He still says it's his upbringing and he can't help his anxiety. I get tha, but he literally doesnt know if taking DC 1 to park is ok and asks me if it's ok to do it rather than suggesting it. He looks for my permission. I have explained so many times he doesnt need to 'ask' that he's a dad and a partner, not a child at school.

Some of my friends have it much worse. Their husbands go out with friends and leave them to deal with kids alone, aren't there for kids bdays etc.

So, I feel like I should appreciate hubby, he's a bloody good dad.

But I feel like we're not equal, he doesn't ever want to discuss anything and he strops like a toddler when I try to get an opinion. He says he feels put on the spot and he just can't give an opinion.

Is this just what a relationship is like with kids???? Should I stop expecting anything different? Do I just keep going like this? I'm really unhappy.

@LoeliaPonsonby

I do wonder if some of the differences in rates of diagnosis between males and females for ASD, and other disorders with a social interaction aspect is simply because society does not give women the option to opt out of caring or social responsibilities. Far less pressure on boys to learn social skills by “playing nicely” in the same fashion little girls are expected to prioritise friendship.

That sounds very possible.

I can think of someone I know who had long suspected he was on the autistic spectrum and finally sought a diagnosis after marriage counselling in his late 40s, but he had 'hidden' behind a supposedly demanding job, which, his wife believed, required him to leave the house shortly after seven in the morning and not get back till seven or seven thirty at night, and often go in all day at weekends.

However, I met him through work, and do exactly the same job at the same level of seniority at the same institution, working from 9 to 5 and from home two days a week, with minimal weekend work fitted in around family time.

Also, miraculously, when he got divorced and the children stayed with their mother, he suddenly worked much shorter days, often worked from home and never went in at weekends. He had been using his job as an excuse to avoid parenting and household responsibility. His wife didn't have that luxury.

@LoeliaPonsonby

I do wonder if some of the differences in rates of diagnosis between males and females for ASD, and other disorders with a social interaction aspect is simply because society does not give women the option to opt out of caring or social responsibilities. Far less pressure on boys to learn social skills by “playing nicely” in the same fashion little girls are expected to prioritise friendship.

The diagnosis is less for women because they learn to 'mask' at an early age which means ASD goes unnoticed until it is too late to intervene. Nothing to do with societal caring responsibilities.

Not sure I understand your second point.

@TuesdaysWell, this just isnt true. There are daily threads from women unable to cope.

Has anyone considered that part of the reason women manage to struggle on more than men is the social pressure on men?

For what it's worth I really feel.for.tne OP. But I get fed up with the immediate labelling of men as lazy and useless. If OP was the one with the anxiety and ASD and DH called her that your be telling her to LTB and skating him. So why is it OK for others ?

He sounds like a more extreme version of my ex. Who isn't on the spectrum. I am and can run life bloody well. I had to as ex wasn't doing it. It's only after we split that he even bought DCs clothes and presents for the first time. He even admitted he became my child rather than my partner. It's because it was convenient for him to do the basics, work, pay his set bills, dishes, shopping and everything else was down to me, down to deciding what we ate, where we went and when etc etc. It grinds you down and made him unattractive to me.

[quote Storyoftonight]@TuesdaysWell, this just isnt true. There are daily threads from women unable to cope.

Has anyone considered that part of the reason women manage to struggle on more than men is the social pressure on men?

For what it's worth I really feel.for.tne OP. But I get fed up with the immediate labelling of men as lazy and useless. If OP was the one with the anxiety and ASD and DH called her that your be telling her to LTB and skating him. So why is it OK for others ?[/quote]
I’d be interested in seeing links to all the threads in which ‘unable to cope’ means women are not feeding, clothing and generally looking after their babies/small children unless specifically given instructions on how to do so by their husbands.

No one is suggesting men are ‘lazy and useless’— DH has a massively demanding job but it doesn’t prevent him being a fully engaged parent and pulling his weight domestically — they are suggesting that the greater socialisation of women as carers means that women are unable to delegate/opt out of caring responsibilities to the extent that men do.

My husband is similar in some ways although less extreme and although he's never been assessed is also aware he's possibly on the spectrum although high functioning. It can be very challenging. However, I would also add that the mental load issue is not limited to men with similar character traits to your DH - it's a huge social issue to do with cultural conditioning and expectations placed on women and men by our whole society.
So I think there's probably two things going on here - classic mental load crisis, which obviously you need to challenge, plus you finding his difficult personality traits harder to live with now you share care for DH.
I don't have any amazing solution but I hope just knowing that you're not alone helps.
We've just had our second child and I'm also somewhat anxious about what will happen with DH is back at work, but so far the following things have helped me:

• deciding to split the mental and physical load....so I've accepted that I'm going to think of some things first but instead of just saying to myself "ugh, now I've got to do that" I'm allowing myself to do half the job eg booking a dentist appt for the toddler, but the DH takes her, buying food for dinner but DH cooks
• Passing over toddler's mornings to DH entirely while I'm dealing with the new baby. I didn't ask him to do it, just made sure I demonstrated how tied up with the baby I was
• Making sure I never criticise any of DH's choices around the children and their care as in one of our chats he said that I was always correcting him and he felt like he got everything wrong (you May be doing this without realising - I didn't feel like I was criticising, I thought I was helping him, but it was having the opposite effect).

Agree about diving total responsibility for some chores too. EG in our house I handle all the laundry and DH does all the washing up/dishwasher sorting/kitchen tidying - occasionally he might sort some clean laundry or I might some pans in the dishwasher to help out generally and keep the house neat, but we both know we don't HAVE to as it's the other's responsibility

I've been in a relationship like this before - granted without kids. I feel for you as it's tiring to control everything. I remember once he wouldn't even go get basic pasta sauce because he was scared he'd choose the wrong one.

I think you have to be firm with him and try to get through to him why you are unhappy and what you need him to do. It might not work but it might be worth a try. He might think you like being in control of everything. Might also be good to go to counselling if you want to stay in the relationship.

@TuesdaysWell, it's nothing to do with not being specifically told. He has anxiety and ASD. My point is if a woman had that and had asked for help and DH was complaining , we would slaughter him and rightly so.

We spent our lives telling me to open up and ask for help and then they do and we ridicule them.

[quote Storyoftonight]@TuesdaysWell, it's nothing to do with not being specifically told. He has anxiety and ASD. My point is if a woman had that and had asked for help and DH was complaining , we would slaughter him and rightly so.

We spent our lives telling me to open up and ask for help and then they do and we ridicule them.[/quote]
Women have anxiety and ASD too. What people are pointing out, but you seem not to be understanding, is that women are underdiagnosed in part because, however serious their condition, they don't get an opt-out of caring responsibilities if they have children, and no one suggests they are fabulous parents because they have played with their child and fed them lunch. On one day.

The OP's husband is not the one posting on here. If he saw his own situation as a significant problem which impaired him as a parent and had a negative impact on his marriage and his children, and posted on here being upfront about this and looking for advice, he would, I imagine, get useful responses.

But he's not the one posting on here -- his wife, who is picking up the slack is. By her account, he says he can't help it, it's his upbringing, says counselling isn't helping, and he 'strops like a toddler' when asked for an opinion or expected to exercise initiative about looking after his own children. Those are not the actions of someone who recognises his behaviour is having a serious impact on his family and is committed to changing it, however far out of his comfort zone it takes him.

Hence replies on here focusing more on the OP's predicament than on her husband's.

That sounds frustrating. Any processing issues perhaps? ADHD or ASD?

Sadly looks like he may not be able to be an equal partner if he has autism or on the spectrum. Until you know more about a possible diagnosis you are going to have to accept the situation.
Most be very difficult but you knew he was limited and two children are very hard for both of you.