AIBU - don’t want to go to Boxing Day birthday party

[joniesparkle]

My nephew’s birthday is on Boxing Day, he’s going to be 6 this year. I’ve been to his birthday party (held on Boxing Day) every year since he was born, but it’s always a bit inconvenient - leaving Boxing Day lunch at in-laws early, cutting short out Boxing Day walk etc. The plan is always very disorganised - my sister doesn’t tell me a time to arrive until Boxing Day morning etc. And it’s never particularly enjoyable when I’m there - it’s clearly a chore for my sister and her husband is difficult, kids going crazy with overwhelming amount of presents etc. How can I gently tell her I don’t want to be there this year? I will of course get my nephew a gift as usual, and visit another day but I just don’t want to feel obliged to go every year? Any advice?? Am I being unreasonable? My sister is fiery and won’t take it well!

Not sure a party with lots of people will happen this year anyway.

Rather than going to the party tell her you will pop in at a convenient time for you. You are not
Obliged to go the party. Just drop a gift over. It’s important to spend time with the in laws too.

My family are big in Boxing Day. After seeing them on Christmas they always expected us to go one On Boxing Day too. We only live 20 minutes away but still a pain. I just want to spend Boxing Day at home. So I had to put my foot down. Sometimes I prefer Boxing Day to Christmas Day.

Feel a bit sorry for the kid. Even his own mum makes it obvious she can't be bothered. It's not his fault that his birthday is on boxing day.

Not enough information-
are family birthdays always celebrated in your family (Eg visiting other nephews/nieces/your sister).
How far away and what travelling times between the different locations?
How flexible could visit to in laws be, are they working/far away/elderly/just as happy to see you on Christmas Eve if you’d be ok with it?
Does nephew have other family to make the day special?
How often do you your nephew other times?

This year obviously Covid and where you are so local restrictions /vulnerability factor in but only you know if you it is a true reason
No personal experience but other on the thread have made clear that Christmas birthdays are important and more difficult to make special.

Once you look at all that then decide what you can do to make this 6year olds actual birthday special this year and other years.

@Inastatus From experience there's no date within the entire Christmas holidays that mean his school friends will come to his party, so he may as well have it on his actual birthday 🤷🏼‍♀️

Inaststus it's difficult to explain and part of a bigger picture and matters a lot when you're a kid. Any day around 'the season' is difficult, people have other plans, go away to visit relatives etc. You get joint Christmas and birthday presents. Your birthday isn't the same as your siblings because people are... busy. I know I'm going to get called spoiled for this but talking to other people with birthdays at the same time they felt the same.

It's a pain as sn adult too, it's a nightmare trying to get a restaurant booked.

Covid would be a good excuse to put a stop to this expectation. It would actually seem like more of an expectation for you to go to theirs for Boxing Day when you already have a commitment to your in-laws. I doubt if your nephew is bothered - children’s parties are for children. He’d be much more interested in his little friends going.

I've never been to my nephew or nieces birthday parties, we don't live close by so it wasn't possible.

However, I really don't think a 6 year old would care less if an aunt wasn't there. Surely he'd much rather have his friends there? As long as you make sure his present is there for him I don't see any need for you to go.

I suppose it depends on the type of party it is. I know of a family that don't invite any of their child's friends for their birthday party, they just have their own friends for dinner and the desert is a birthday cake for their child. It is the most bizarre celebration I've ever seen.

I had no adults at my birthday parties as a child, just my parents and my friends. Surely children just want their friends at their party not a load of adults standing around?

If you don't want to go, don't go.

@DuzzyFuck - that’s a shame. Most people I know are keen to fill the time after Christmas before the kids go back to school. If noone is around during that period however then if he was my child, I’d arrange a party on the nearest possible date after. It’s about managing expectations and making it exciting to have something else to look forward to rather than creating disappointment.

@Witchcraftandhokum oh I get the whole joint Christmas/birthday thing - that is shit! Even more important I think then to have the party slightly separate to the actual date. Be like the Queen and have 2 birthdays - an official and an unofficial

6 year olds really don't care if their birthday party is on their actual birthday or a couple of days later...I'd be hoping covid restrictions put a stop to the party!

Your nephew won’t care, your sister doesn’t care (if she would, she would plan a bit better), so don’t go!

..I'd be hoping covid restrictions put a stop to the party!

How very kind of you.....not!

If OP doesn't want to go, then that's up to her to have the balls to say. But to hope the kids party is cancelled, what a horrible person you sound.

Honestly, the things people are using COVID to deal with, that they pathetically can't deal with themselves.

In our family, including 'wider' family such as nieces, nephews etc, we have a number of December birthdays, including Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day and the day after Boxing Day. Apart from one year, when we went out on Christmas Day locally to celebrate a significant birthday, we have never attended birthday celebrations over the Christmas period. Occasionally, like the year dh and I were invited to a 21st birthday, 5 hour drive away, no offer of overnight accommodation and were told our young dcs were not included, we have declined invitations. But more often, the birthday person has chosen to celebrate either a little earlier or a few days later.
OP, I think there are several things that play into your decision this year : distance you have to travel, covid restrictions that may be in place at the time and, frankly, whether you want to go. If you are disinclined to go, given your sister's volatility, I think I'd start laying the groundwork now.

My DS birthday is Christmas Eve. Nobody ever wanted to attend his birthday party because they were all “too busy” with Christmas. We made his birthday special by going to see a pantomime every year. Obviously there are no panto’s this year.

I can understand you not wanting a birthday party to take up your day OP. Can you just let them know you have other plans but will call in to see the Birthday Boy (and give him his birthday present) at a time convenient for you?

Kcar are you actually the OP with a name change? If you are then YANBU as you say a Boxing Day event would stop you seeing your kids that year. Of course own kids at Christmas time trump nephew's birthday.

If you are not the OP, then I don't really understand why you're bringing so much detail into it, as the OP's situation isn't the same as yours...

He is 6 and has his birthday on a shitty day. He will never be able to have a party on his birthday with his friends so if I was his auntie I would want to make it special (disclosure my birthday is xmas day and it is properly shit)

@tempnamechange98765

Kcar are you actually the OP with a name change? If you are then YANBU as you say a Boxing Day event would stop you seeing your kids that year. Of course own kids at Christmas time trump nephew's birthday.

If you are not the OP, then I don't really understand why you're bringing so much detail into it, as the OP's situation isn't the same as yours...

No I’m not.

I was giving a perspective. I thought that was part and parcel of discussion on a forum.

Hi, thanks everyone for all your comments. It’s interesting to hear different perspectives. I don’t have kids myself so it’s good to hear from parents, and those who have birthdays around Christmas etc. Everything is up in the air due to COVID so all of this might not be possible anyway, I’m just anticipating it.

To answer a few questions and give context...

• I live about an hour away from my sister
• The plan (if covid allows) is for just Grandparents and myself and my husband to attend, it’s just cake cutting and singing happy birthday it’s not a kids party
• I said lunch at the IL’s and a walk as an example of what I might do on Boxing Day, it’s not that I MUST go for a walk on Boxing Day, it’s just frustrating not being able to plan our day at all because the birthday visit might be 11am, or 2pm or 4pm...for example last year we were at the IL’s (2 hours away) for xmas, stayed overnight, and I had to leave in the middle of Boxing Day lunch to go to the birthday...it felt rude to the IL’s and their other guests and my husband didn’t join me as he wanted to spend time with his siblings who he doesn’t see often as they live abroad.
• We’re not that close as a family, I haven’t spent xmas with my parents or sister for years
• It all feels very forced, I barely speak to my sister and don’t have a particularly close relationship with my nephew but I’m expected to come to every birthday party

Thanks all, I appreciate all the comments and advice.

@Italiangreyhound

This year I would use Covid. In future I'd just say that Boxing Day is part of Christmas and you are not free for birthday parties.

My kids were not born on special occasions but one is in the holidays. They always have to celebrate birthday at weekend, so only twice every 7 or so years is it on a weekend (e.g. not their actual birthday). And ds usually celebrates after the school hols with friends.

So your sister is wrong to assume you will be free on a Boxing day every year.

It is not his fault he was born on Boxing Day, it is absolute shit having a birthday at Christmas. Why wouldn't you be 'free for birthday parties' when it's his birthday?

If his own family can't even be bothered to make a bit of an effort for him, that's dreadful.

Go and spend time with your husband and In-Laws at Christmas.

Loads of people have to leave their overnight stays in the middle of Boxing Day as they have to work the next day. That sounds like a stretch of an excuse. Plus you make it sound like this is the only time you see IL over Christmas in your OP which is misleading.

It’s a family birthday celebration rather than a big birthday party so your OP is a little misleading in this way too.

It just sounds like you don’t like your sister. Which is fine, your prerogative. If you don’t want to see them then it’s just about how your relationship will be with them in the future. I don’t know if the way you tell it is intentional or not but I think it’s a little telling.

If you don’t want to go, don’t. But other than her disorganised ways, on paper I don’t see a reason not to go. It’s solely about your relationship with your family as a reason not to that I don’t think I could judge.

We have never ever done birthday parties on the actual day. Even when the b-day is at a weekend we've done the party on the other day or a week before/after.