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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - don’t want to go to Boxing Day birthday party

147 replies

joniesparkle · 07/11/2020 18:08

My nephew’s birthday is on Boxing Day, he’s going to be 6 this year. I’ve been to his birthday party (held on Boxing Day) every year since he was born, but it’s always a bit inconvenient - leaving Boxing Day lunch at in-laws early, cutting short out Boxing Day walk etc. The plan is always very disorganised - my sister doesn’t tell me a time to arrive until Boxing Day morning etc. And it’s never particularly enjoyable when I’m there - it’s clearly a chore for my sister and her husband is difficult, kids going crazy with overwhelming amount of presents etc. How can I gently tell her I don’t want to be there this year? I will of course get my nephew a gift as usual, and visit another day but I just don’t want to feel obliged to go every year? Any advice?? Am I being unreasonable? My sister is fiery and won’t take it well!

OP posts:

TildaTurnip · 08/11/2020 07:49

Can’t you switch who you see on each day so see your family on Boxing Day and you IL on Christmas Day (if that is a switch of the way you do it)? If you’re seeing a lot of your family on Boxing Day that would be a way of less rushing around.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/11/2020 07:49

YANBU to be pissed off. This won’t go on forever. Your dn will grow up a bit and not care about your going. Seeing as this is a recurrent issue, I would organise to see your inlaws on Christmas Eve this year. If you don’t have plans on the day, I imagine you will find this less of a chore.

ukgift2016 · 08/11/2020 07:51

It's not fair and honestly, your DN won't care if your there or not.

I wouldn't want my boxing day dictated by a birthday.

Nikhedonia · 08/11/2020 07:51

Yeah, not a chance I would be doing that year in year out.

She needs to be clearer about the timings much further in advance. It isn't fair on PIL, either.

His birthday party doesn't have to be on Boxing Day, he could easily have a celebration with his immediate family and then a party with everyone else a few days later.

Kcar · 08/11/2020 07:54

In my case I have three children. One of those has a partner.

My ex is remarried and has his wife’s family to consider.

There are divorced people in my ex’s family and in mine.

We do year about Boxing Day Christmas Day.

Dd works in retail so is back at work the day after Boxing Day and working right up on Christmas Eve. She only gets Boxing Day off because of her parents being divorced.

If we start fucking about with the rota it ripples out and affects loads of other people.

My kids are part of a blended family with 5 siblings on their dads side (his wife had 3 kids when they met and they have 2 together) plus my 3 is 8 plus all the partners of the older step siblings and divorced or split up people going on in the various families.

A rigid year about being messed with would balls the whole thing up and cause resentment and ripples to other families.

Thecobwebsarewinning · 08/11/2020 07:57

I love my nieces and nephews but never ever went to any of their children’s parties. Kids parties are hell, It was bad enough going to my own DC’s without attending additional ones. We would send a card/present and often meet up with them for an outing or meal over the nearest weekend but didn’t actually attend their dos. To be fair, we were never invited and it never crossed my mind to invite my adult siblings or inlaws to my kids parties either.

Just say no OP. If you want to see them / him arrange it for another day.

divafever99 · 08/11/2020 07:58

Think it depends on your relationship with your nephew. Mine is 12 and I've been to every birthday party, wouldn't dream of missing it even if it was Boxing Day, but we are very close.

ShipOfTheseus · 08/11/2020 08:03

@FortunesFave

Very odd to attend the birthday party of a niece or nephew

Lol! No it isn't! Plenty of Aunts and Uncles do it. If that's your idea of odd, I'd love to see what you think of other normal events.

It is odd. I live 200 miles away from my nearest nephews and nieces. Most live abroad. I don’t know anyone who lives close to their siblings. Birthday parties are normal. It not normal to have aunts or uncles or grandparents be at those parties. Parties are made up of the child’s parents and the child’s friends, not their aunts, uncles, grandparents etc.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 08/11/2020 08:05

FGS only on MN is someone a bad person if they, as an adult, don't want to attend a child's birthday party 😂😂 I doubt he'll even care if you're not there - no offence made from that but what I mean is he'll just be happy as long as he has his presents!

Coffeepot72 · 08/11/2020 08:06

Thank god his birthday isn’t on Christmas Day!

rebecca102 · 08/11/2020 08:08

I hate this. Because we have the same problem. Every year we are expected to be at every kids birthday party on partners side of the family. It is so inconvenient because some of their birthdays are a week in between one another so we go weeks without having a weekend to ourselves. We aren't doing it next year

Sheknowsaboutme · 08/11/2020 08:10

I wouldn’t go. Its your day. You’re a grown up, so old enough to dictate your own day,

PurpleHoodie · 08/11/2020 08:11

What Glummy said.

Absolute madness in some of these answers.

babyguffingtonstrikesagain · 08/11/2020 08:11

If I were you I would just suck it up and go. It will only be a few more years until he won't want a birthday party with his aunty!

GlummyMcGlummerson · 08/11/2020 08:13

@ShipOfTheseus I agree, why can't people on MN realise that because they say "I love my nephew and would NEVER miss his party" not everyone is in the same situation?!

On niece loves locally, I see her as often as I can and love her to bits. I don't go to her birthday parties, they're usually in a skate rink/trampoline park and are for her mates not family.

My nephew lives 250 miles away, haven't seen him in years and DB seems to not give a shit about his siblings so never makes the effort with us. I wouldn't know my nephew if I passed him in the street.

BlueJava · 08/11/2020 08:14

"Sorry we won't be able to come over on the day, we'll pop in x day if that's convenient for you". If she wants to make a drama let her, but don't engage and distance yourself from it. Ridiculous you feel you have to turn up to a birthday when you are elsewhere.

Hahaha88 · 08/11/2020 08:18

It's hardly your nephew's fault he was born on boxing day is it!? Fair enough to be annoyed that your sister is a bit of a twit about organising it, have a word with her on that matter, but definitely go!

pictish · 08/11/2020 08:21

@GlummyMcGlummerson

My son has a Christmas time birthday and I agree with this. He gets presents and fuss and cake and a meal out of his own choosing and he’s happy. He knows I’ll put out for a celebration at a later date.

Another thing we do is make our kids’ birthdays the ‘wow factor present’ event while Christmas is more low key for all. This is because we simply can’t afford the wow factor x3 PLUS birthday all in the same week.

My son looks forward to his birthday because he knows he’ll be getting something he really wants. That is very exciting.
Christmas is more about time off work and school, food, games, films than it is about presents.
It works for us.

All these posters telling you to go aren’t having to go. Don’t worry about it...just tell her you’re seeing dh’s family that day and pop in to your nephew another time.

Polyxena · 08/11/2020 08:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

forrestgreen · 08/11/2020 08:26

I think you need to see him on his birthday but I wouldn't say oh need to stand there at the party.
Tell her you're excited to see him and will pop in at x o'clock. Don't wait to be invited.
Go on the way out or in the way back from your day. Either is fine. Surely the point of a party is playing with friends. This year that will be different but I'd make the change this year.

Cam2020 · 08/11/2020 08:28

Give her plenty of warning (like now and a couple of reminders) that you need to know timings etc in advance because you have other family commitments too. Then you could plan to go for an hour? I'm sure having a birthday on Boxing Day us pretty inconvenient for your nephew and your sister too with hyped up kids, an already messy house, present overload and your nephew probably already feels he's missing out on a special day a bit.

Kcar · 08/11/2020 08:29

@forrestgreen

I think you need to see him on his birthday but I wouldn't say oh need to stand there at the party. Tell her you're excited to see him and will pop in at x o'clock. Don't wait to be invited. Go on the way out or in the way back from your day. Either is fine. Surely the point of a party is playing with friends. This year that will be different but I'd make the change this year.

What if it’s a 3 hour round trip that takes you in the wrong direction from where you need to be?

Bouncebacker · 08/11/2020 08:30

It obviously depends on what you family does, but I’ve only ever been to nieces and nephews parties when they are a similar age to my children. Children’s parties are for children - take him out on another day for a birthday treat when you can (zoo, museum, theme park etc)- actually spend time with him rather than loitering at the back trying to chat to random parents that you don’t know whilst children shriek loudly in the background. My child’s birthday is Christmas Eve but I wouldn’t dream of having a party then as people have their own family occasions and his friends would be unlikely to come. We have a party to weekend before, and then go out for a family lunch on the day - sometimes just us but if we are staying with relatives for Christmas or vice versa then they come too if that suits them. Aunts and uncles wouldn’t come to my daughters party in April so why should they come to my sons in December - it’s a bit weird and YANBU not to go.

RedWine123 · 08/11/2020 08:31

It’s not his fault his birthday is at an inconvenient time... I would at least make an effort to show my face at some point in the day.

CeibaTree · 08/11/2020 08:31

I don't blame you for not wanting to go. But at the same time it's not the kids fault when his birthday is and I'm guessing his friends can never come either due to the date. I have a friend whose son's birthday is 27th December and they always do the birthday party a couple of weeks earlier or later so he can have a 'normal' birthday party with friends. Would your sister consider doing something like that?

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