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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - don’t want to go to Boxing Day birthday party

147 replies

joniesparkle · 07/11/2020 18:08

My nephew’s birthday is on Boxing Day, he’s going to be 6 this year. I’ve been to his birthday party (held on Boxing Day) every year since he was born, but it’s always a bit inconvenient - leaving Boxing Day lunch at in-laws early, cutting short out Boxing Day walk etc. The plan is always very disorganised - my sister doesn’t tell me a time to arrive until Boxing Day morning etc. And it’s never particularly enjoyable when I’m there - it’s clearly a chore for my sister and her husband is difficult, kids going crazy with overwhelming amount of presents etc. How can I gently tell her I don’t want to be there this year? I will of course get my nephew a gift as usual, and visit another day but I just don’t want to feel obliged to go every year? Any advice?? Am I being unreasonable? My sister is fiery and won’t take it well!

OP posts:
Ihaveyourback · 08/11/2020 08:41

You can go, if restrictions allow, but on your own terms perhaps? You could say we can't make the party this year, but we will pop in at 11am with gifts and celebrate. Stay for an hour, and then you are free to enjoy your boxing day lunch afterwards, and a walk in the hills.

It is hard to have a birthday on that day, as all of his friends will be busy and otherwise unavailable, and christmas will overshadow his special day. I would make an effort but in a way that suits me.

Nacknick · 08/11/2020 08:41

Poor kid is all I can think

Mistletroll · 08/11/2020 08:42

Why does he have to have his party on Boxing Day? Most DC have their birthdays on a weekday and have their party on a weekend, usually on a Sat so people can attend. I'm surprised any DC turn up. I wouldn't send mine.

HaggieMaggie · 08/11/2020 08:43

Why is she having the party on Boxing Day? Millions of kids have their party on a different day to their birthday because in most cases their birthday falls on a school day so they wait until the weekend. On their day they have an immediate family celebration.

She needs to do the same. It’s selfish to assume that Boxing Day is now Archie’’s obligatory birthday party for ever more.

HaggieMaggie · 08/11/2020 08:44

@Mistletroll

Why does he have to have his party on Boxing Day? Most DC have their birthdays on a weekday and have their party on a weekend, usually on a Sat so people can attend. I'm surprised any DC turn up. I wouldn't send mine.
Snap! 😀
NeonGenesis · 08/11/2020 08:45

I think a big part of the problem here that people are glossing over is that you aren't given a time. That is really unfair and would piss me right off. It means your whole day is left hanging in the air, and you have to wait around for the go ahead from your sister. Its extremely rude of her to do this on a day like Boxing Day when she knows everyone will have other plans.

If they live close to you then I would text her and say "hey, we'll pop over at X time with DN's present. Looking forward to seeing you all". Then spend an hour there making a fuss of DN, ask sister how Xmas was, have a brew etc, and then go. Head off to do whatever else it is you wanted to do that day - see ILs etc.

This gives you a bit of control around your day so it isn't all wasted. You arrange a time to do other things based on the time you will go to DN's. Problem solved. If your sister gets arsey because you aren't going to be there during the actual party then tough shit. You can't expect people to block out an entire day/evening on a bank holiday because you want to summon them for an hour at a random time. She needs to be more organised.

Sam1815 · 08/11/2020 08:47

I would tell her you have plans so can only drop by at x time. I’d also drop by early in the day before lunch as this would give you an excuse to leave but it also means you won’t be leaving anywhere to get there for a certain time later in the day and can relax wherever you are.

Coffeepot72 · 08/11/2020 08:57

I think a big part of the problem here that people are glossing over is that you aren't given a time. That is really unfair and would piss me right off. It means your whole day is left hanging in the air, and you have to wait around for the go ahead from your sister. Its extremely rude of her to do this on a day like Boxing Day when she knows everyone will have other plans.

Absolutely - it’s really unfair.

SoloMummy · 08/11/2020 08:58

It's awkward because it's Boxing Day. However, you're his aunt. And at 6,birthdays are so important.
I think that yabu. However, this year it may not be possible. Having a specific time planned and agreed is not unreasonable and this needs discussing.
If you just don't want to go on boxing day then maybe see how she feels about the 27th.but as I said for a 6 yo this wont be the same....

rorosemary · 08/11/2020 09:00

I never understand why kids that have holiday birthdays HAVE to celebrate it on that day. My nieces and nephews all have birthdays on "ordinary" days and we celebrate them the weekend before or after because that is when most people are available.

lazylump72 · 08/11/2020 09:03

I am guessing your sister isnot a stupid person OP so why can;t you just say Hi Jill about the party this year ..I cant sit through that racket again,it drives me bananas and you know paul will have a right gob on him he always does! I will drop Harrys present off then I have to shoot to Daves mums ....
I have the kind of open and honest relationship with my family that means that would be totally acceptable.My DB loves my daughter and has all the time in the world for her when ever she wants and he spoils her rotten given any chnce he gets but ask him to anything with other kids and noise and he says yeah right sod off I am not suffering that! I take not one ounce of umbridge at that at all neither does my dd.She sees him enough and they have a lovely relationship so its just no problem. I appreciate all families arent like ours but surely you can be honest with your sister without her taking offence? Its a kids partypresumably with other kids bet your dn would hardly know if your their or not?

Inastatus · 08/11/2020 09:09

YANBU.
As others have said, most kids don’t get to celebrate on their actual birthday as it usually falls on a school day so parties have to be either the weekend before or weekend after. So the fact that he’s had that for the last 6 years is unusual I think.

It’s my son’s birthday tomorrow and the most he’ll be able to do is meet one friend for a walk!

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 08/11/2020 09:11

my sister doesn’t tell me a time to arrive until Boxing Day morning etc.

Then that's easy. Decide what time is least inconvenient for you and a week before tell your sister what time you are going to arrive and what time you will leave. Keep to your plan and don't react to any "fiery" nonsense.

Mistletroll · 08/11/2020 09:11

leaving Boxing Day lunch at in-laws early

Do you go to your parents on Christmas Day and then your in-laws on Boxing Day? Is your sister and nephew at your parents on Christmas Day? I'm jumping the gun but I hope the answer is no because that wouldn't be fair.

DuzzyFuck · 08/11/2020 09:12

Of course YABU. If his birthday fell on the 6th of July would you be there for his party each year?

It's not his fault it's at Christmas, but the fact that it is means he probably needs his family around to celebrate more than most, as I expect he has less attendance from school friends at his parties because people are away visiting family etc (my colleague's sons birthday is Christmas Eve and same problem).

I have 3 family birthdays in Christmas week and wouldn't dream of telling them 'oh no I can't make it to your celebration because Christmas' Hmm Staggered by how many posters here would!!

Angelina82 · 08/11/2020 09:16

Bloody hell I thought you were going to say it was inconvenient because Boxing Day was busy for you, but you don’t want to go because you’ll miss out on a walk! YABU and selfish.

Nikhedonia · 08/11/2020 09:24

Of course YABU

She really isn't. Her sister is being totally unreasonable expecting everyone to wait around on Boxing Day for her to decide what time she is ready to start the party at. Fuck that.

Inastatus · 08/11/2020 09:25

@DuzzyFuck - but what’s wrong with having just an immediate family celebration on his actual birthday and then a party on another day when people are more likely to be able to make? It’s what most other kids do!

I think the sister has gone down the wrong path insisting that he has to have his party on his actual birthday knowing that people will be wanting to spend that day doing other things.

Witchcraftandhokum · 08/11/2020 09:27

My birthday is around that time too. His birthdays are always going to full of disappointment because they're just so damn inconvenient for other people. Don't be that aunt.

Kcar · 08/11/2020 09:29

Like it or not, a Boxing Day birthday is different to another day.

People have set other plans those days.

trappedsincesundaymorn · 08/11/2020 09:31

Do you only have a walk once a year on Boxing Day? You want to do something you can do any day of the year over something that happens once a year for your nephew? As someone whose birthday falls on Christmas Day, let me tell you that the feeling, as a child, that your birthday isn't important enough for people to want to celebrate it with you is horrible. As for those saying he can have a party another day, that's easier said than done when most families are busy with other things around then.

Kcar · 08/11/2020 09:32

@Witchcraftandhokum

My birthday is around that time too. His birthdays are always going to full of disappointment because they're just so damn inconvenient for other people. Don't be that aunt.
So why can’t she see him the Saturday after?

Once my kids were old enough to be at school, that is what happened for them.

He’s 6. He’s at school. Why isn’t seeing him the weekend after good enough?

I don’t think I should have to fuck up a routine that impacts on loads of others. When there’s an easy solution of seeing him the Saturday or Sunday after.

Kcar · 08/11/2020 09:33

@trappedsincesundaymorn

Do you only have a walk once a year on Boxing Day? You want to do something you can do any day of the year over something that happens once a year for your nephew? As someone whose birthday falls on Christmas Day, let me tell you that the feeling, as a child, that your birthday isn't important enough for people to want to celebrate it with you is horrible. As for those saying he can have a party another day, that's easier said than done when most families are busy with other things around then.
Easier said than done because people are busy but you expect them to completely ignore the other side of their family unit?
Inastatus · 08/11/2020 09:34

@Witchcraftandhokum - so didn’t you have a party on another day? Was it so disappointing because you couldn’t have a party on your actual birthday? If so I fear I may have damaged my kids in the same way as they hardly ever have a party on their birthday (nor do most of their friends). However they seem to enjoy having 2 celebrations - just the 4 of us on the day and then a party with friends on a weekend.

Positivevibesonlyplease · 08/11/2020 09:35

Don’t go. You are taking precautions about mixing re. Covid. Remember, it’s not what we are told to do, it’s what we feel is right. Regardless of the possible restrictions, I wouldn’t want to mix.