AIBU - don’t want to go to Boxing Day birthday party

[joniesparkle]

My nephew’s birthday is on Boxing Day, he’s going to be 6 this year. I’ve been to his birthday party (held on Boxing Day) every year since he was born, but it’s always a bit inconvenient - leaving Boxing Day lunch at in-laws early, cutting short out Boxing Day walk etc. The plan is always very disorganised - my sister doesn’t tell me a time to arrive until Boxing Day morning etc. And it’s never particularly enjoyable when I’m there - it’s clearly a chore for my sister and her husband is difficult, kids going crazy with overwhelming amount of presents etc. How can I gently tell her I don’t want to be there this year? I will of course get my nephew a gift as usual, and visit another day but I just don’t want to feel obliged to go every year? Any advice?? Am I being unreasonable? My sister is fiery and won’t take it well!

@Aquamarine1029 "it's absurd"

lol. It's now absurd to have a child's birthday party on their birthday?!

OP, he's six and your nephew. Sort your priorities. See the in laws on Christmas Eve, go for your walk earlier or later....

My heart goes out to this six year old who can't help the fact that he was born on Boxing Day (and Christmas birthdays are often pretty shit!!)

He has a mum who is doing his party reluctantly, a difficult dad and an auntie who is moaning online because it interferes with her walk.

Could you perhaps be proactive and help your sister to organise something so that you'll know the time, be able to structure your day around it and have a little bit of control to make you feel better?

Or if you don't want to do that, just tell her you can only pop by for an hour at X Tim rand leave it at that.

@HollaHolla
Don’t assume everyone lives under the same restrictions as you.
You seem to have made this assumption too.

Very odd to attend the birthday party of a niece or nephew. I’ve never done it, and nor did my siblings with my children. I can’t imagine a six-year-old would be bothered and wouldn’t want a load of, to him, elderly relatives turning up. I would nip this tradition in the bud now. Surely he would want some school friends instead.

Can you do something with him the day after? Maybe take him out to the zoo or similar?

I feel for him.

However, my family do day about each year to accommodate other family on their dad’s side and the fact that me and their dad are divorced (and DS a very complicated pattern that includes his partner and her family and a year for them to be on their own) and Boxing Day visits just wouldn’t be possible unless it was the year to see that side of the family.

Everyone is too far apart in our case to be able to call in for an hour so that wouldn’t work either.

@HollaHolla you do know it's not Boxing Day at the moment? It's a little thing like being the beginning of November?

The OP hasn't asked for your view on Covid rules, either now or on Boxing Day.

OP, I think you should go. It's tough a Christmas birthday.

It's not rocket science.
"Janet, we are at pils until 4. Hopefully that's not too late for us to be there to cut the cake?"
Presunable this party is just family and cake cutting.

@Charleyhorses

It's not rocket science. "Janet, we are at pils until 4. Hopefully that's not too late for us to be there to cut the cake?" Presunable this party is just family and cake cutting.

We are 90 mins apart.

If I left at 4 I’d be wolfing Christmas lunch and not getting any time with family to relax and enjoy their company. Plus I’d have potentially seen them all the day before.

I’d get there for 5.30, cake at 6 and then stay til 7.30 and not get home til after 9.

And what would you expect me to do with my dog for all that length of time?

All those saying it's shit having a birthday at Christmas means that OP should go....no...it's shit because nobody wants to be there, celebrating a birthday at that time of year so OP's sister should be realistic and make the party a week or so after or before...probably after.

I had my DD's parties weeks in advance because it fell in the middle of the UK summer hols and nobody was ever about! It's fine!

I think it depends on what your family is like. Do they all make a big effort to go to.each other's birthday parties? If so I really think you need to make the effort. If not, I wouldn't bother with it.

FWIW my friend's birthday is Xmas eve and she always has her celebration beforehand or first week of Jan because she knows people will be busy over Xmas week. It was the same when she was a kid.

I also have a birthday Xmas week and much prefer celebrating on a different day, because I like to separate it from Xmas. Otherwise it just feels like your birthday is part of Xmas and not really special which I always hated.

Very odd to attend the birthday party of a niece or nephew

Lol! No it isn't! Plenty of Aunts and Uncles do it. If that's your idea of odd, I'd love to see what you think of other normal events.

Why don't you offer to host the party at yours this time.

There's always one! Why should OP do that when she's made it clear she wants to go to her inlaws and celebrate Boxing Day!

The trouble is that everyone is being too rigid that all these things 'have' to happen on the same day and you end up with more events than time available.

You could go for a walk on a different day for a start and then you can see ILs your nephew on his birthday.

If you could get your sister to give more notice about the time of your nephew's party, you can work round it with inlaws and have brunch or dinner instead. Or if your sister won't give notice, just have your normal lunch with inlaws and go see your nephew at tea time. You can still say happy birthday, have tea and cake etc, even if its not his main party time.

Of course, covid restrictions could mean that none of this may be able to happen. If the numbers are not going the right way in early December, the current lockdown could well be extended. Although its likely that everyone will just do as they like at Christmas and deal with the fall out in January.

FortunesFaves parties are obviously planned at other times (my DS' party this year is the first week of December, weeks away from his actual birthday!) but on Boxing Day itself, there's very little that can be done to make it special for the child as nothing is open - that's probably why the OP's sister has a family party every year, because that's the only option and she probably hopes that family would make the effort.

I think also consider what relationship you want in the future. My Sister, now she's in her 60's and my children have children expects to be fitted in. That's been the case for ten years. She's tried to rely on them during lock down. But the relationship was never built from them being children and they keep her at arms length. She is lonely because she's retired and a few of her friends moved away. But when she didn't go out of her way to make time for anyone, then they aren't going to for her.

@tempnamechange98765

FortunesFaves parties are obviously planned at other times (my DS' party this year is the first week of December, weeks away from his actual birthday!) but on Boxing Day itself, there's very little that can be done to make it special for the child as nothing is open - that's probably why the OP's sister has a family party every year, because that's the only option and she probably hopes that family would make the effort.

But that means that she’s imposing a certain way of Christmas.

I do year about with my kids. Christmas Day me, Boxing Day their dad and then the other way round.

This is done to accommodate all the family on both sides - so my ex brother-in-law and his partner do the same with her family.

As I said, we all live far apart and calling in for an hour isn’t really possible.

What doing a set event on Boxing Day every year would do is mean that I couldn’t see my kids every other year at Christmas.

Very odd to attend the birthday party of a niece or nephew

Always attended my nieces and nephews parties, all their aunts and uncles even without children attended my children's.

How odd that your family don't do that?

Surely he would want some school friends instead

Not sure you'd get many school friends attending a Boxing Day party, do you?

Temp I disagree...there could be birthday cake, singing, presents...everything other kids get. It's so indulgent to say "Oh it has to be MORE special because it's at Christmas!

He's only 6
I think it would be reasonable to ask for a confirmed time sooner. Or even say "I'll be coming over at 11. But you're unreasonable not to go at all.

Why on earth not have the party the day after? Most kids have the party at the weekend nearest the birthday if it’s on a Tuesday or something they could have a family day on Boxing Day party on 27th job done.

I would hate this I love Boxing Day and it does not involve shouty chaotic children’s parties. Also surely he wants his pals there my now not aunts?

Personally, I would suck it up for 1 more year and go. The kids have had a shit year this year. And having a birthday in the middle of a second wave, with few opportunities to see friends is probably miserable. I wouldn't want to rain on my nephews parade. Make next 2021 the year you bow out.

If I was going to be there for 11 I’d have to leave my house at 9.30. So I’d need to be up by 7/7.30 to get showered and dressed and ready and the dog walked before I leave.

On Boxing Day.

And not see my own children that year over Christmas at all.

Would not be doing that.

Poor boy, he’s only 6. There won’t be many years when he cares if you visit. Assuming Covid allows I would go with his present. However, I would also want a more organised plan, and expect to be told the time before that morning.

I very much doubt we'll be out of lockdown at Christmas so that might solve your problem but assuming the virus disappears why can't you see your ILs another day, maybe Christmas Day if Boxing Day is with your family? I think it's important to go to your nieces and nephews parties if you can. He's only little and as others say so many people treat Christmas birthdays as somehow less important than others. Why can't your Boxing Day tradition be spending time with your sister and her family instead of the ILs?

Why can't your Boxing Day tradition be spending time with your sister and her family instead of the ILs

Because that ripples out through the families that are connected?