"You do nothing to attract me"

[FeelingUglyandStupid]

I have name changed through embarrassment.
I'm sorry this is so long.

Recently my partner has said some awful things to me and I don't know what to do about it .
Backstory is,together 5 and a half years,early 30s,neither of us have children.

We are rarely intimate anymore. When I bring it up he always tells me he's lost his libido and doesn't know why but assures me its nothing to do with me.
He tried antidepressants last year for about 4 weeks and says its probably that and is speaking to his counseller about it.
We then make a plan together of what we can do to bring back the affection and help him (he doesn't even think to kiss me anymore until I ask)
But then weeks go by where he doesn't attempt anything so I'll gently bring it up.. he always cries and gets very upset and ashamed which I understand. I usually end up crying because its horrible seeing him so upset.

I am extremely supportive and never shout at him about it or make him feel bad about it. But when I bring it up he'll cry.. then be silent for hours. So I'll leave him to it for a bit.
I'll try to talk again but lately he snaps now..like when he's had time to sit for an hour..he suddenly changes his tune and now seems annoyed at me like I've done something wrong ...when before he was saying sorry for his libido he doesn't know what it is.

I've constantly asked was it me.. was I not sexy anymore, has he fallen out of love with me..what can I do to help. Has he maybe lost his spark with me and is afraid to say? All times he's said no way,it was nothing to do with me,it's all him and he hates that I feel like this.
So two weeks ago we were talking and he was looking irritated and I was frustrated and wanted to be close to him and I got upset..he then snapped and said to me "Stop fucking crying you look very unattractive when you do" (he cries all the time) I felt so stupid and embarrassed,slept in the spare room and avoided him for days. He eventually apologised ..though its still been worrying me.

Last night I brought the subject up again and said I understand about not having a libido but would still love to kiss and cuddle like we had planned...it eventually turned into him getting very angry where he snapped "Do you want to know the truth??It's you,you do nothing to attract me anymore'' I was so confused I asked was he just saying this to hurt me in the moment as he has form for saying nasty things he later says isn't true. He said "when I come home from work you never have your hair and make up done,the state of you" 😳(lost my job coz of covid)wtf?! For 5 years he's been constantly telling me I dont need make up and I'm so pretty without it, I should try to go out without it etc. And when he said this to me last night...I had my hair and make up done!!!?

I can't get my head around it. I'm so confused.

Was he lying before and it really is me and he's not attracted to me...or is it that he said those things in anger?
Wtf do I do now. Is it over? Because i feel so stupid and embarrassed..I suddenly feel so stupid and ugly.
I asked a hundred times was it me. I bought new silky sexy pyjamas and did my hair before bed this week he didn't even look or comment. I dont understand. How is it now me and not being attractive enough?
This may be trivial to some people but I can't stop crying and I feel so ugly and embarrassed by myself now. It's so heavy on me. I've never felt so badly about myself before, I want to crawl under a rock.

@FeelingUglyandStupid

Right now it sounds like the 2 of you spend your time trying to interpret/understand him. What about you? Wheres his support for you? this is exactly it. You are correct. Obviously I love him a lot and feel like I would be abandoning him when he was having a horrible time. But now that I'm being told it's me....theres not much else I can do. There is nothing more I can do in fact.

Why do you love him?

What about him is loveable?

Would you consider setting yourself a secret deadline? You could try one last time talking about it but let him know that things need to change or it will be over. Last chance. Then give it 3 months to see if he cares enough to change. If not, you have your answer, you know you’ve given it every chance but it hasn’t worked. This might help you decide. (I completely understand the confusion you describe)

You sound lovely, and you feel affection and responsibility towards him because you’re a good egg. Yes it’s tough for him if he is depressed, money might be tight. But everybody has problems that they have to deal with and he’s an adult who needs to take responsibility for himself.

You are supporting him emotionally and worry about his issues because you’re kind. But in doing so you are sacrificing your own happiness and that’s not fair. It’s a cliche but you only have one life and you deserve happiness too. He will survive and manage if you split, so try not to let those fears influence your decision too much (easier said than done unfortunately).

Here, have some cake my lovely, everything is better when there’s cake

wildraisins I have told him I would leave he was distraught. Also ther were a few days he wouldn't talk to me . I said I'd help him with moving home it would be for the best to break up and he was devastated. Went to talk his counseller and all.
I'm realising now that we're both probably in the same situation,neither one of us wants it to be over yet we're not happy

OP, you are describing what my ex husband did to me. Please walk away before this man destroys you completely, you deserve so much better.

Good post lumpy

It sounds like he has mental health problems op and needs some help.

@Lelophants

It sounds like he has mental health problems op and needs some help.

He's already having counselling...

Don't let him waste any more of your life. He has treated your terribly, you've gave him all the support he needs and he still thinks its acceptable to be spiteful to you and hurt your feelings. Don't waste a second more of your life being with him, you sound like a lovely supportive person and there will be someone else out there who will appreciate and love you.

@FeelingUglyandStupid

wildraisins I have told him I would leave he was distraught. Also ther were a few days he wouldn't talk to me . I said I'd help him with moving home it would be for the best to break up and he was devastated. Went to talk his counseller and all. I'm realising now that we're both probably in the same situation,neither one of us wants it to be over yet we're not happy

Jeez... Not talking to you after you said that is so childish. Like he was punishing you for it?

It sounds like he will pull out all the stops to get you to stay including making you feel guilty about it. It's good that he was distraught. He should be. You will be upset as well. That doesn't mean you shouldn't go through with it. He's treated you badly and you deserve more.

Has he apologised for all the horrible things he said to you? Has he said what he's going to do to put things right?

If not then imo you should initiate the break up or at least have a no-contact break from the relationship so that he can reflect on how he is treating you and whether he's going to make the changes you need to get the relationship back on track.

If he doesn't, then you have your answer.

What about him is loveable?
He works very hard. He's always doing things for me. Cooking,making cuppas, he's wonderful to my family and friends. He would always tell me how funny/caring/beautiful I am(Until these recent events) we genuinely have a laugh together. Hes generous and intelligent . I feel awful for how he feels sometmes. But then I go back to thinking its not worth it. Then I think he is worth it. If you get me.

Almost this exact situation happened to me. Neither of us was happy. Neither of us wanted to end it. He didn't want to be the bad guy or take any blame, so it was all my fault. I spent so much time thinking about him and how to help him, what I needed to do to fix it. In the end, I just realised that there was a better life out there waiting for me. I didn't want to waste the rest of my life with someone in that situation. I owed it to us both to do the right thing. We loved each other, and I thought that plus wanting it to work was enough to make it work, but it was a heartbreaking realisation that it takes more than that to make it work.

I have told him I would leave he was distraught. Also ther were a few days he wouldn't talk to me . I said I'd help him with moving home it would be for the best to break up and he was devastated. Went to talk his counseller and all.

Well yes. He treats you as his security blanket. And you threatened to take that away from him. Of course he was distraught and devastated and tried to punish you with silence. That's him being manipulative to keep you in your place.

Have you considered some support or counselling for yourself? It could help you work out more clearly why you are still with him even after you said you would leave him, why you are so eager to save him, why you love someone who behaves so unlovingly to you. And it could help you decide what to do next and how.

@Tittiana

A straight guy would not turn down sex like that. And his comments are not something a straight guy would say

Unrealistic, sweeping generalisations. You must have known a succession of unpleasant men to think this is true. It isn't.

Has he apologised for all the horrible things he said to you? yes hevtext me immediately last night to say sorry. I went out for a walk. Hes been texting me again from work to apologise. He generally texts me in the day every day anyway ...saying funny things coz he knows I'm home alone and trying to cheer me up. The only problem is sex.

3letsmaketea I completely understand you.

I personally think he was just lashing out and doesn't really mean what he says. The reason I think this, is because you keep bringing it up and he kept not wanting to talk about it, so he ended up saying something he knew would really hurt you so you wouldn't touch the subject again, well in his mind anyway.

There's no way it's the anti depressants from a year ago, but the fact he says he is discussing the possibility with his counselor means he does know it's a problem and is at least discussing it with someone, even though it's not you.

I can't suggest where you go from here but I wish you the best of luck.

I feel awful for how he feels sometmes

OP - you are too kind. Honestly. When you leave him and look back, you will realise this. He's the one that should feel awful for how he is treating you. It isn't love when he makes you feel like shit. Like you're not worthy of him. Dont give him the time to come crawling back with excuses

You deserve to be happy and feel loved, leave him.

Well, I don't know the answer to all of this, but I do know that 9 times out of 10, both on MN threads and in RL, when a woman is concerned that a man who's treating her badly is only doing it because he's depressed, she's wrong.

for you, OP.

Well you have put it out there for our opinions so here is mine. No long convoluted spiel just this:
He is having an affair and the tears initially were guilt.
He is now feeling trapped and shame is turning to anger and he wants out.
Men are cowards and usually want you to do the walking so they don't have to take the blame. So, do it. Don't waste any more time on him it sounds unsalvageable.

OK I see that you are both finding ending this relationship difficult, as would anyone after this length of time.

However there is a major difference. You have been kind and decent, tried to find the problem in order to solve it. He's behaved appallingly, he has belittled you to the extent that you've changed your user name, you're humiliated and embarassed. He has chipped away at your confidence and personality over and over and over and the net result is he has taken massive chunks of your obviously lovely nature away.

I know it's horrible, but you must free yourself. You don't need to be treated like this by this awful person. I get that he may have become unhappy but he has been dishonest and nasty about it. You owe him absolutely nothing and should get away from him. I'd be so upset if my daughter was with a man who'd chipped away at her like this. Please please leave him ASAP.

... And if there are good things in the relationship a counsellor would help you weigh them up against the bad and decide what to do. The counsellor wouldn't decide for you or tell you what to do but would help you think more clearly about what you want and why.

@FeelingUglyandStupid

Has he apologised for all the horrible things he said to you? yes hevtext me immediately last night to say sorry. I went out for a walk. Hes been texting me again from work to apologise. He generally texts me in the day every day anyway ...saying funny things coz he knows I'm home alone and trying to cheer me up. The only problem is sex.

That's good, but do you think he means it? Or is he just panicking because he wants his security blanket?

Sex isn't the only problem, hun. Look at the username you've chosen for yourself :( That's a screaming red-light-alarm problem right there, which is caused by him. That is self esteem, confidence, the way he makes you feel. That's not just sex. That's your whole self.

If you don't make a change here then you will still feel this way in years to come. Take a step and be brave. At least have a break from him. He needs a proper wake up call to realise your value and what he is risking here.

I agree he’s depressed and has lost his libido. You’re also stuck in a rut.

Just a thought, you mention that you’ve lost your job so he’s the sole breadwinner and he also does most of the housework. If a woman came on here saying she was working all day, and her dh was home, and she still had to come home and cook, clean and put the washing on, people would be going mad! You mention you forget to put the washing on sometimes so he does it after work. This would annoy me. If I was at work all day and came home to dh having not done anything, I would be unimpressed and definitely wouldn’t be in the mood for sex.

I forgot to mention one big thing.. I was afraid it would be outing but at this stage I dont care.. his best friend was killed in a horrific accident a few years ago which is where his depression stems from. Its a 'functional depression' if that's the correct term meaning he goes to work and takes care of himself at the same time. Hes been in counselling for years for his grief. I think this also makes me not want to leave him. It's been horrendous for him in that sense. I'm.sorry to drip feed that i.was just worried about giving too much info.