"You do nothing to attract me"

[FeelingUglyandStupid]

I have name changed through embarrassment.
I'm sorry this is so long.

Recently my partner has said some awful things to me and I don't know what to do about it .
Backstory is,together 5 and a half years,early 30s,neither of us have children.

We are rarely intimate anymore. When I bring it up he always tells me he's lost his libido and doesn't know why but assures me its nothing to do with me.
He tried antidepressants last year for about 4 weeks and says its probably that and is speaking to his counseller about it.
We then make a plan together of what we can do to bring back the affection and help him (he doesn't even think to kiss me anymore until I ask)
But then weeks go by where he doesn't attempt anything so I'll gently bring it up.. he always cries and gets very upset and ashamed which I understand. I usually end up crying because its horrible seeing him so upset.

I am extremely supportive and never shout at him about it or make him feel bad about it. But when I bring it up he'll cry.. then be silent for hours. So I'll leave him to it for a bit.
I'll try to talk again but lately he snaps now..like when he's had time to sit for an hour..he suddenly changes his tune and now seems annoyed at me like I've done something wrong ...when before he was saying sorry for his libido he doesn't know what it is.

I've constantly asked was it me.. was I not sexy anymore, has he fallen out of love with me..what can I do to help. Has he maybe lost his spark with me and is afraid to say? All times he's said no way,it was nothing to do with me,it's all him and he hates that I feel like this.
So two weeks ago we were talking and he was looking irritated and I was frustrated and wanted to be close to him and I got upset..he then snapped and said to me "Stop fucking crying you look very unattractive when you do" (he cries all the time) I felt so stupid and embarrassed,slept in the spare room and avoided him for days. He eventually apologised ..though its still been worrying me.

Last night I brought the subject up again and said I understand about not having a libido but would still love to kiss and cuddle like we had planned...it eventually turned into him getting very angry where he snapped "Do you want to know the truth??It's you,you do nothing to attract me anymore'' I was so confused I asked was he just saying this to hurt me in the moment as he has form for saying nasty things he later says isn't true. He said "when I come home from work you never have your hair and make up done,the state of you" 😳(lost my job coz of covid)wtf?! For 5 years he's been constantly telling me I dont need make up and I'm so pretty without it, I should try to go out without it etc. And when he said this to me last night...I had my hair and make up done!!!?

I can't get my head around it. I'm so confused.

Was he lying before and it really is me and he's not attracted to me...or is it that he said those things in anger?
Wtf do I do now. Is it over? Because i feel so stupid and embarrassed..I suddenly feel so stupid and ugly.
I asked a hundred times was it me. I bought new silky sexy pyjamas and did my hair before bed this week he didn't even look or comment. I dont understand. How is it now me and not being attractive enough?
This may be trivial to some people but I can't stop crying and I feel so ugly and embarrassed by myself now. It's so heavy on me. I've never felt so badly about myself before, I want to crawl under a rock.

@FeelingUglyandStupid

FortunesFavour I'm getting really upset thinking about this. I think I haven't broken up with him for a few reasons. I love him and can see he's depressed which makes me feel like he needs me to stand by him and I'd love to do that. It's just getting to hurtful.

Hes not from this country. We lived in his for 3 years now we've been in mine for 2. He cant fly home now and wouldn't have the money to rent his own place here.

And aside from whats going on he's lovely to me. He works so hard,he does so much at home. We're great friends but that's it ..its like were just friends now. All is ok until intimacy is brought up. 9 times out of 10 hes just ashamed and upset. Apologises and speaks to his counseller etc. Its just lately hes been saying such mean things so I'm worrying if its just the depression and I should help him through. Its very confusing.

'Hes not from this country.... He cant fly home now and wouldn't have the money to rent his own place here.'

This is why he hasn't left you yet.

@FeelingUglyandStupid

I don't want children it's a decision I made very early on. So theres no pressure on that. I just want to have a life with him . When the world is normal get back to travelling and working like we did. I dont want to have to go back out and look for somebody else. My heart would be broken without him. But its starting to break now so what's the difference I suppose.

I think the difference will be the amount of damage done to your self esteem and self worth by staying and being one to put all the effort in by the sounds of it.

God knows how long the world will be abnormal for and once it is back to normal can you really get past all this negative behaviour towards you - life can always throw curved balls do you really want to be with someone who isn't supportive when life goes through dips and even turns on you when things aren't as planned.

Maybe you should stop worrying about what's good for him and start thinking about what works for you. You probably don't want to say "what's in it for me?" but give it a go and see what you come up with. You are not just a security blanket for someone who has issues that he is not willing to address and work on with you. Don't stay and let him shake your confidence...

So sorry for you OP - it all sounds difficult and entrenched and you clearly want to do the right thing by him because you're a nice person.

My take is that I would stop trying to work out what's going on for him and focus on what the relationship looks like for you. Regardless of what he is thinking you need to let him know what you need. This then makes things very clear for both of you. If he isn't able to give you this then you won't be happy and will maybe find it easier to leave. You may be able to still support him as a friend but you are important in this relationship and what you need is equally important to what he needs.

Big hugs

He is a cocklodger
How can he be a cocklodger if he's payin for most of our living at the moment as I lost my job ? Can he be some sort of 'emotional' cocklodger?

if he's feeling trapped not able to leave plus also not being able or unwiling to change himself to give you what you need he may now have turned to blaming you / lashing out at you because hes frustrated he can't change. if he makes it about you and you become too upset/too embarrassed to ask then he doesn't have to change. but this is about him not you. and you need what you need. it's not fair on you to put up with this. try and get over the emotion of feeling embarrassed. it's obv nothing to do with you. calmly tell (don't ask) what you need. he can then think about whether he can give you that and ask for what he needs. (this might all take days or weeks to play out). but if he can't he needs to move out and get his head straight. you deserve better than this. i know it's hard.

He sounds like a right pleb.

I'm sure a bloke constantly crying isn't that attractive either.

Your confidence is at an all time low, this should be your priority and main concern. You keep refocusing on HIS pain, rather than yours. You've been more than human, kind and accepting. Stop doubting yourself. You're not going mad.

A few unhelpful replies are making you clearly go back to thinking IT'S YOUR FAULT and you need to be kinder, try harder, be more flexible, try again, work it out, work out the mystery and make everything make sense, try to see it his way, make excuses for his words as him being hurt/having mental health issues etc. No, no, no, no, no. He's had time. It's time to STOP. It's a horrible cycle of putting someone else's feelings and needs before your own and you need to see it, and stop.

you are desperately trying to seek answers and sense and work things out, to make sense of it all. You don't need to. And you likely won't make sense of it because you have someone who refuses to communicate properly with you, or ever take action when you have talked about things. ACTIONS. things will never make sense when someone says one thing and does another. Realise there is no value in trying to work it all out. You know all you need to know: he is happy to continue to let you suffer, in pain, with no confidence.

Thats not a partner! That's not love or anything worthwhile 'saving' or working on. There's not even a foundation to build on.

He can't give you basic love and respect. That's all you need to know. He's willing to make you feel ugly and worthless when there is nothing wrong with your appearance. He's willing to talk for years about taking steps and never doing them, knowing it hurts you.

Stop circling back to HIS pain and what you feel you're 'lacking'. Focus on you. It's so hard, but every time you feel yourself thinking 'but maybe it's me I haven't been supportive enough, maybe it's xyz part of his mental health problems that make him do this to me (again, big NO! MH is not an excuse to treat people poorly!!!) literally shout STOP in your brain and refocus your thoughts to yourself. Find books or YouTube videos on self esteem, attachment styles, learn about yourself and ultimately, don't waste any more time on someone who is willing to make you feel worthless!

Thank you Jayinthetub x

Hello
I am so sorry to read how you are feeling - it must be hitting right at the heart of you.
But - please hold on tothe reality - this is not you.
His anger and nastiness is coming from something to do with him.
You mentioned hehas cried when youhave spoken about sex/lack of...is it possible that he is confused about his sexuality?
This could be causing the anger, denial, tears etc.

Op you can’t live in a sexless and affectionless relationship. That’s not a relationship.. it’s a friendship.
I know you don’t want to go out and find somebody else but you are young. You deserve SO much better than this.
Even if you help him fix his depression, it won’t improve the fact he doesn’t want sex with you

I don't think he's gay OP. It is likely the depression. If you really want to give this another chance, I think lay off the sex / affection begging at once. Get on with your activities and life, and set a time in your mind - how long will you give it, a few months? Six? See if intimacy returns naturally. Asking for it JUST DOESN'T WORK. You would be given empty fake affection which just feels horrible.
Also tell him you are angry (not upset, angry) about his nasty comments and never want to hear that crap again. if he is rude to you like that again, leave.
Or do what you like, just my advice

@FeelingUglyandStupid

He is a cocklodger How can he be a cocklodger if he's payin for most of our living at the moment as I lost my job ? Can he be some sort of 'emotional' cocklodger?

Is he trying to "be nice" by waiting for you to get a job before breaking up with you and finding it a strain and slipping up?

Though if you've tried talking to him and he's not being forth coming - not sure how you'd get to bottom - so focus on what you want to do - what's best for you going forward.

There are an infinite number of men who would jump at the chance to be in bed with, whether your hair is straightened or not.

Life is too short to deal with this, if he is being mean and making no effort.

Jesus 3LumpyPillow I think you are completely right. Your message knocked me and I'm in tears but that's because its sounds so true.

OP, he knows he went too far and is being nice so you don't make any plans to desperate. Stop
Analysing so much. He's being awful to you. Will a simple apology resolve that? I hope not.

Separate not desperate. Bloody Mumsnet auto correct is rubbish

You need to remind this guy (and yourself) that YOU have power in this relationship, not just him. Threaten to leave. See how he responds. It's probably not even occured to him that YOU could be the one to end this.

You need to tell him what you need and be prepared to leave if you don't get it. Respect yourself enough to put your needs at the forefront here - you deserve so much better than what he is giving you.

This is going to be pretty dark but is there a chance he could be into young girls only saying as I was in a similar relationship and 7 years later saw him being caught by a pedophile vigilante group. No one would of believed it as he was young and really good looking but your post sent shivers down my spine. He would cry and cry over the matter and was so ashamed.

I know that seems bat shit btw I'm still in shock now. Just everyone jumps to gay but if he has lots gay friends don't see why he be ashamed about his sexuality

TipperarygirlinLondon
Oly4
firesong
LadyOfTheImprovisedBath
LH1987
I think you are all right. This is a horribly sad realisation to come to. I'm devastated

A similar thing happened to me in a previous relationship. Our sex life plummeted and my DP assured me it was nothing to do with me. A few months later he dumped me. Together 3 years.

If my OH said anything like that to me he would be trying to pick his teeth up off the floor with his two broken arms 😁 joking, kinda😉
You need to leave him to it, he's vicious and spiteful.
You deserve so much better than man who can't articulate his issue so blames it on you.
Your post was horrifying to read, please get out, don't let him cause you anymore damage

Also people who are speculating about whether he is gay and the above person suggesting he is into young girls??! There is nowhere near enough information on this thread to discuss those things, adn the OP isn't asking you to speculate on that either.

Stop normalising man not interested in sex = must be gay/paedophile.

That's such a ridiculously simplistic view.

Cocklodger without the sex part if you like op. Which makes it even worse to me! He is not even delivering on the sex front.

He is just using you until he can find something/someone else, he can't fly home so he is keeping you on side, by lodging with you until he can leave. You no longer do it for him, he is no longer in love with you - and I suspect he wants you just to leave him alone and let him live his life in your house without pestering him for 'affection'

You are serving some kind of use -

Not the one you should be mind, but a use of some kind - whether that is mothering, offering your home, a safe harbour for his MH fallout - you are many things possibly to him but you are not his lover, girlfriend of partner any longer. You are an unpaid therapist/landlord/mother figure. He no longer sees you as his lover, and hasn't for some time.

You can continue of course, until he disappears, or you can pick up your dignity and show him the door.

It is HIS problem where he stays and lives until he can fly back,not yours. He lost his right to a goodwill from you when he told you there is nothing about you that attracts him.

Can he be some sort of 'emotional' cocklodger?

I think you have hit the nail on the head! He is draining a ton of emotional support from you and giving no emotional support back. That's not fair. And even that is not enough for him - now he is being positively unkind to you.

I do think this needs to stop, and that you will be happier when it does. Even if the only way to stop it is to end the relationship.