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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"You do nothing to attract me"

410 replies

FeelingUglyandStupid · 06/11/2020 09:43

I have name changed through embarrassment.
I'm sorry this is so long.

Recently my partner has said some awful things to me and I don't know what to do about it .
Backstory is,together 5 and a half years,early 30s,neither of us have children.

We are rarely intimate anymore. When I bring it up he always tells me he's lost his libido and doesn't know why but assures me its nothing to do with me.
He tried antidepressants last year for about 4 weeks and says its probably that and is speaking to his counseller about it.
We then make a plan together of what we can do to bring back the affection and help him (he doesn't even think to kiss me anymore until I ask)
But then weeks go by where he doesn't attempt anything so I'll gently bring it up.. he always cries and gets very upset and ashamed which I understand. I usually end up crying because its horrible seeing him so upset.

I am extremely supportive and never shout at him about it or make him feel bad about it. But when I bring it up he'll cry.. then be silent for hours. So I'll leave him to it for a bit.
I'll try to talk again but lately he snaps now..like when he's had time to sit for an hour..he suddenly changes his tune and now seems annoyed at me like I've done something wrong ...when before he was saying sorry for his libido he doesn't know what it is.

I've constantly asked was it me.. was I not sexy anymore, has he fallen out of love with me..what can I do to help. Has he maybe lost his spark with me and is afraid to say? All times he's said no way,it was nothing to do with me,it's all him and he hates that I feel like this.
So two weeks ago we were talking and he was looking irritated and I was frustrated and wanted to be close to him and I got upset..he then snapped and said to me "Stop fucking crying you look very unattractive when you do" (he cries all the time) I felt so stupid and embarrassed,slept in the spare room and avoided him for days. He eventually apologised ..though its still been worrying me.

Last night I brought the subject up again and said I understand about not having a libido but would still love to kiss and cuddle like we had planned...it eventually turned into him getting very angry where he snapped "Do you want to know the truth??It's you,you do nothing to attract me anymore'' I was so confused I asked was he just saying this to hurt me in the moment as he has form for saying nasty things he later says isn't true. He said "when I come home from work you never have your hair and make up done,the state of you" 😳(lost my job coz of covid)wtf?! For 5 years he's been constantly telling me I dont need make up and I'm so pretty without it, I should try to go out without it etc. And when he said this to me last night...I had my hair and make up done!!!?

I can't get my head around it. I'm so confused.

Was he lying before and it really is me and he's not attracted to me...or is it that he said those things in anger?
Wtf do I do now. Is it over? Because i feel so stupid and embarrassed..I suddenly feel so stupid and ugly.
I asked a hundred times was it me. I bought new silky sexy pyjamas and did my hair before bed this week he didn't even look or comment. I dont understand. How is it now me and not being attractive enough?
This may be trivial to some people but I can't stop crying and I feel so ugly and embarrassed by myself now. It's so heavy on me. I've never felt so badly about myself before, I want to crawl under a rock.

OP posts:
singeronthestage · 06/11/2020 12:10

Leave him OP, You dont deserve this SadFlowers

Eckhart · 06/11/2020 12:10

The only problem is sex

No, it's not. It's also that he treats you in a way that makes you feel like shit, including, now, insults. And he blames you for problems that are his. And says sorry to manipulate you into letting him off the hook, before repeating the same behaviour.

This is not 'one issue' within the relationship. It's an umbrella issue that, given time, will affect all aspect of the relationship.

ekidmxcl · 06/11/2020 12:11

And it's possible he's had/having an affair. Very possible given what you've written. But regardless, his treatment of you is absolutely unforgiveable. It's actually irrelevant whether he's had an affair, you just need to get away from him and also it will take you time to accept the fact that you cannot and will not have a full explanation/reasoning for what has gone on. It can be covered simply though: he isn't a good person.

Spannwr1971 · 06/11/2020 12:11

It's easy to work out the truth behind this. Leave him. Move out. If he pursues you for months having realised what he's lost, you'll know how he feels. If he lets it fizzle out and you lose contact, you'll know how he feels. I'd stay away for good while though. He sounds like a drama queen.

Original poster
FeelingUglyandStupid · 06/11/2020 12:13

Henrietty you are right. He does a lot. Thats why I feel I am partly to blame.
I'm just getting through all of your messages lovely people. I'm not ignoring anyone x

OP posts:
FabbyChix · 06/11/2020 12:14

When you are depressed the only person you care about is yourself, you sound somewhat selfish do you know anything about depression about how hard it is to wake up every day and carry on breathing, jesus christ the mans barely alive, and you're hounding him to try to make yourself feel better.

MrsMiaWallis · 06/11/2020 12:14

Oh OP. If you were my dd I'd be praying that you left him. You deserve better.

ekidmxcl · 06/11/2020 12:14

OP, my best friend died very suddenly 20 years ago. Yes, the grief is horrible, I had nightmares for more than a decade. But at no point did I treat my husband the way your partner has treated you. It isn't a reason for his behavior. It just isn't. And it does not in any excuse the way he has treated you and reduced you to a shadow of your former self.

Original poster
FeelingUglyandStupid · 06/11/2020 12:15

Just to say hes definitely not having an affair. Hes with his boss all day. And always texting me. Hes straight home from work and goes nowhere else.

OP posts:
yetanothernamitynamechange · 06/11/2020 12:15

At the moment you can still list a lot of his good points. That actually shows you are a decent person and that the relationship has not been wholly miserable. The longer you continue in this current situation, not only will your self esteem plummet, but you will grow to hate him and all of the positive memories will be overlaid by memories of how awfully he treated you as your relationship petered out. Do you want this?

Eckhart · 06/11/2020 12:16

That sounds horrible for him. But having a reason for doing something doesn't make it ok to do it.

If a child is raised in a household where their parents were violent to each other, it's all they know, so it's perfectly understandable that they, too, would be violent towards their partner as an adult. Does it make it ok for them to do that, or does that mean they have to take responsibility for learning to treat people differently?

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 06/11/2020 12:16

I personally think he was just lashing out and doesn't really mean what he says. The reason I think this, is because you keep bringing it up and he kept not wanting to talk about it, so he ended up saying something he knew would really hurt you so you wouldn't touch the subject again, well in his mind anyway.

And how is that a mature response from the kind of man a woman would want to stay with? Surely a decent man would say, this is too painful for me, I don't want to go there. Not lash out at the OP.

Poppingnostopping · 06/11/2020 12:16

OP absolutely everything in this is about his needs and how you aren't living up to them/not sensitive enough/not attractive enough.

What about your needs?

What about your need for sex? Is he turning himself inside out to try to fix that (answer no).

You are stuck on trying to please him, help him, be his rescuer.

It's really not working and he's lashing out at you.

You aren't his counsellor and you have needs in this situation which are really going unmet, even worse he's actually made you feel terrible about yourself.

This is a destructive dynamic- he feels terrible, you feel shit, it isn't working, it's not necessarily anyone's fault, but it isn't.

Original poster
FeelingUglyandStupid · 06/11/2020 12:17

When you are depressed the only person you care about is yourself, you sound somewhat selfish do you know anything about depression about how hard it is to wake up every day and carry on breathing, jesus christ the mans barely alive, and you're hounding him to try to make yourself feel better yes I understand. In fact he keeps telling me to get up and take better care of myself. He does more for himself than i do for me. As ive had no job to go to. I dont do much.

OP posts:
TipperarygirlinLondon · 06/11/2020 12:18

@wildraisins
I am not saying it is the case - simply posing the question of whether he may be struggling with his sexuality.
Which is the point of posting on a thread - no?

I totally agree however that suggesting paedophilia is stretching too far, in my view.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 06/11/2020 12:19

It's not easy to break up with someone you still love & want the best for.

But you need to see that YOU deserve to look after yourself & he's not making you happy.

He is, in fact, lashing out & hurting you.

Do you want to stay in the house/flat or do you want to move out?

As hard as this is, it is over, what you NEED to do now is face up to it, or you're just going to have months/years more pain fit you both & end up hating each other.

Don't let yourself be talked around when he gets home!

Nanny0gg · 06/11/2020 12:20

@FeelingUglyandStupid

When you are depressed the only person you care about is yourself, you sound somewhat selfish do you know anything about depression about how hard it is to wake up every day and carry on breathing, jesus christ the mans barely alive, and you're hounding him to try to make yourself feel better yes I understand. In fact he keeps telling me to get up and take better care of myself. He does more for himself than i do for me. As ive had no job to go to. I dont do much.
So maybe he's right and you should speak to a counsellor?

You're clearly in a bad place anyway.

Original poster
FeelingUglyandStupid · 06/11/2020 12:20

I can't thank you all enough for being so honest and kind.

OP posts:
RuffleCrow · 06/11/2020 12:21

It's over, OP.

Can you move out?

NoisyBrain · 06/11/2020 12:21

OP, have my first ever LTB.

As PPs have said, it's all about HIM at the moment; how HE feels, what HE wants (or doesn't). You are exhausting yourself focusing on all of that - focus on what YOU want. I say this with kindness as I have been in exactly the same position and it was awful.

I wasted so much energy over many months trying to help my 'poor' exH through his depression. Turned out he'd been shagging someone at work and the depression was guilt-induced. Before I found out I had also worried that me ending things would devastate him. He was also terrible at discussing his feelings and would go silent or get tearful, making it very hard to resolve anything meaningfully.

It may not be done consciously, but this is how people like this retain all the control/power in the situation, through their emotional manipulation.

Set yourself free. Flowers

Original poster
FeelingUglyandStupid · 06/11/2020 12:23

So maybe he's right and you should speak to a counsellor?

He is right. I've gone a number of times through my adult life and always found it helpful. I will send an email today and hopefully I wont be on the list too long and can get a phone appointment.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingUglyandStupid · 06/11/2020 12:23

I cant move out. He will have to.

OP posts:
LifesNotEnidBlyton · 06/11/2020 12:24

Haven't read everything but read a bit of your updates OP.... Any possibility he was sexually abused? Just another idea to add in. I'd give him an ultimatum because, unless there is a very good reason and even that doesn't make it OK, if he wont even talk about something so important as refusing you intimacy and instead insults you he isn't worth it.

ekidmxcl · 06/11/2020 12:24

Counselling is fine and this will most likely help you with your own life, but it will not fix the underlying problem here, which is him being nasty.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 06/11/2020 12:25

his best friend was killed in a horrific accident a few years ago which is where his depression stems from. Its a 'functional depression' if that's the correct term meaning he goes to work and takes care of himself at the same time. Hes been in counselling for years for his grief. I think this also makes me not want to leave him.

It makes you not want to leave him, rather than making you wonder if he might be gay? To have no libido and so much grief over the loss of a friend?

Or if he is not gay and it is just depression then it doesn't make any difference what event triggered it. Most people have grief in their lives, very few people get to live long as an adult without loss. And they may get depressed but that doesn't justify them mistreating other people. You seem to be searching for explanations that allow you to think well of his bad bheaviour. That is not healthy for you.