"You do nothing to attract me"

[FeelingUglyandStupid]

I have name changed through embarrassment.
I'm sorry this is so long.

Recently my partner has said some awful things to me and I don't know what to do about it .
Backstory is,together 5 and a half years,early 30s,neither of us have children.

We are rarely intimate anymore. When I bring it up he always tells me he's lost his libido and doesn't know why but assures me its nothing to do with me.
He tried antidepressants last year for about 4 weeks and says its probably that and is speaking to his counseller about it.
We then make a plan together of what we can do to bring back the affection and help him (he doesn't even think to kiss me anymore until I ask)
But then weeks go by where he doesn't attempt anything so I'll gently bring it up.. he always cries and gets very upset and ashamed which I understand. I usually end up crying because its horrible seeing him so upset.

I am extremely supportive and never shout at him about it or make him feel bad about it. But when I bring it up he'll cry.. then be silent for hours. So I'll leave him to it for a bit.
I'll try to talk again but lately he snaps now..like when he's had time to sit for an hour..he suddenly changes his tune and now seems annoyed at me like I've done something wrong ...when before he was saying sorry for his libido he doesn't know what it is.

I've constantly asked was it me.. was I not sexy anymore, has he fallen out of love with me..what can I do to help. Has he maybe lost his spark with me and is afraid to say? All times he's said no way,it was nothing to do with me,it's all him and he hates that I feel like this.
So two weeks ago we were talking and he was looking irritated and I was frustrated and wanted to be close to him and I got upset..he then snapped and said to me "Stop fucking crying you look very unattractive when you do" (he cries all the time) I felt so stupid and embarrassed,slept in the spare room and avoided him for days. He eventually apologised ..though its still been worrying me.

Last night I brought the subject up again and said I understand about not having a libido but would still love to kiss and cuddle like we had planned...it eventually turned into him getting very angry where he snapped "Do you want to know the truth??It's you,you do nothing to attract me anymore'' I was so confused I asked was he just saying this to hurt me in the moment as he has form for saying nasty things he later says isn't true. He said "when I come home from work you never have your hair and make up done,the state of you" 😳(lost my job coz of covid)wtf?! For 5 years he's been constantly telling me I dont need make up and I'm so pretty without it, I should try to go out without it etc. And when he said this to me last night...I had my hair and make up done!!!?

I can't get my head around it. I'm so confused.

Was he lying before and it really is me and he's not attracted to me...or is it that he said those things in anger?
Wtf do I do now. Is it over? Because i feel so stupid and embarrassed..I suddenly feel so stupid and ugly.
I asked a hundred times was it me. I bought new silky sexy pyjamas and did my hair before bed this week he didn't even look or comment. I dont understand. How is it now me and not being attractive enough?
This may be trivial to some people but I can't stop crying and I feel so ugly and embarrassed by myself now. It's so heavy on me. I've never felt so badly about myself before, I want to crawl under a rock.

Shut me up *

Honestly op is still put my money on porn. The 'you're not making an effort to attract me' is probably from watching a lot of fake sex and drawing unfair and unreasonable and unrealistic comparisons.

But if that's his hill to die on I think you're right that it's over. This is no life for you. So sorry

Tie your hair back and hold your head high. However you choose to move forward you have NOTHING to be ashamed of. Life is short, don’t waste time cringing and beating yourself up, you are lovely as you are.

Oh OP that’s absolute shit, it honestly sounds like mentally he’s checked himself out of the relationship.

This - I think your both wanting the other to end it - though it does sound like there are problems ending it now due to covid but the conversation is still hoovering there in the background.

No.i completely get what yiure all saying I'm taking it in. So unless he watches porn at work worh his boss I canr see where hes watching it. He literally comes home and is here with me all night in the same room. But yes anything is a possibility here as he's used so many excuses.

I agree its pointless trying to mull over the reasons why.
Well you've all definitely helped me realise why I haven't broken up with him. I'm at least clearer on that

As a woman married to a man on antidepressants I say walk away, get your own life and be yourself.
Don’t waste your fertile years on him.
Where do you want to be in 5, 10, 20 years time ?

Sorry for typos

You need to get out of this relationship and fast, it won’t improve.
It’s not your fault. Cut your losses and run

Sorry OP, missed your last couple of posts. Yes it’s v confusing and only you can know if there are good parts worth fighting for to keep the relationship alive.

I’m projecting because I empathise with your situation a lot. In my case there was nothing good worth saving, but was hard for me to recognise that at the time. Might not be the same for you.

Re lack of sex and affection - I asked myself whether I was prepared to give up on those things for the rest of my life by staying with him. Answer was no and this is the question that really helped me make the tough decision.

So, do you honestly think things will change? And if they don’t, how do you feel about living like this for the next 5 years, 10 years, forever? x

And I agree- you’re early 30s. If you want children you need to leave him and find somebody else. This isn’t your problem

Its just lately hes been saying such mean things so I'm worrying if its just the depression and I should help him through. Its very confusing.

Depression does not give anyone the right to repeatedly say mean things to someone who loves them and they are supposed to love. If he can't stop himself being mean to you then he needs to be alone while he sorts out his own depression.

I love him and can see he's depressed which makes me feel like he needs me to stand by him and I'd love to do that.

"standing by him" does not mean letting him insult you. That is not helping him and it is actively harming you.

He cant fly home now and wouldn't have the money to rent his own place here.

If he is mean to you then his accommodation is his problem to solve not yours. If he can't afford to rent his own place then he can rent a room somewhere.

Are you getting any support yourself? By now you might have some co-dependency issues which are making it hard for you.

I don't want children it's a decision I made very early on. So theres no pressure on that. I just want to have a life with him . When the world is normal get back to travelling and working like we did. I dont want to have to go back out and look for somebody else. My heart would be broken without him. But its starting to break now so what's the difference I suppose.

So he is stuck in the relationship? Is that also for immogration reasons?
If he wants to be flatmate he better start paying you rent.

He's using your appearance as a weapon. He could have said anything but he chose that because he knew it would really hurt you.

Please don't waste your precious life with someone like this. You deserve someone who owns his problems and doesn't try to turn them into your problems. You deserve someone who's kind and caring - this isn't the man.

@FippertyGibbett

As a woman married to a man on antidepressants I say walk away, get your own life and be yourself. Don’t waste your fertile years on him. Where do you want to be in 5, 10, 20 years time ?

Completely agree. Don't waste your best years on someone that doesn't respect and value you.

He cant fly home now and wouldn't have the money to rent his own place here

And there it is, the reason he doesn't want to end the relationship yet. He is treating you in this manner and won't call it a day because for now you are convenient. Once you stop being convenient to him, if he finds someone else or can get back home, or increases earnings to live alone you are out.

FortunesFavour and AmaryllisNightAndDay thank you. No.. I cant give up on sex and affection,I need it. I know I need to break up with him just cant believe I'm here.
I'm honestly so grateful for you keeping me company and helping me sort my head out. I really would have been lost the last few months without mumsnet.

Tittiana no no hes from the EU so no immigration issues.

You deserve better than this. If you have a nice housemate who pulls their weight on the domestic front, is that good enough?

He is a cocklodger.

We have our answer.

You are being well and truly used op. fgs open your eyes, he is playing you for an absolute idiot. Of course he can afford to live somewhere else, he just doesn't want to.

It’s not about children...or fertility... or whether he’s gay or watches porn.
It’s about happiness... your happiness. Because you deserve to be happy. Life is short and while you are young grab the opportunity to be happy (whether that’s alone or with someone else). It’s

It’s porn.

I had the same thing. I could have written your post.

I posted here for advice and I got the “maybe he’s gay” responses too.

He was finally honest.

It was a porn issue.

I don't know if I could come back from my partner saying that to me, regardless of why they're saying it –the words were intended to hurt you, when all you were asking for was a cuddle. You're living like housemates at the moment; not even friends, as a friend would never speak to you like that either. He's massively projecting onto you and to be honest the source of that is unimportant. He doesn't get to hack away at your self-esteem because of his own issues. It's ironic that he's asking you to 'make an effort' when he's making zero effort with you.

I agree with a PP that he's emotionally checked out but you're comforting to him. He probably likes the set-up you have, but it's not working for you.

I have had one too, from Italy, and it turns out he liked living with me in the UK, a mother of sorts, so he did not need to bother being an adult himself.

You are being hung out to dry, without even your most basic needs being met. Not even a shred of respect for you. Op what are you doing? He is never going to finish it! He will just carry on making you utterly miserable.

I really never thought about the fact he could be just using me. I mean he makes good money and could easily fly home and start again(when flights resume)I just assumed it was depression and hes not coping...but I suppose anything is a possibility as I'm very confused. So it could be anything.