"You do nothing to attract me"

[FeelingUglyandStupid]

I have name changed through embarrassment.
I'm sorry this is so long.

Recently my partner has said some awful things to me and I don't know what to do about it .
Backstory is,together 5 and a half years,early 30s,neither of us have children.

We are rarely intimate anymore. When I bring it up he always tells me he's lost his libido and doesn't know why but assures me its nothing to do with me.
He tried antidepressants last year for about 4 weeks and says its probably that and is speaking to his counseller about it.
We then make a plan together of what we can do to bring back the affection and help him (he doesn't even think to kiss me anymore until I ask)
But then weeks go by where he doesn't attempt anything so I'll gently bring it up.. he always cries and gets very upset and ashamed which I understand. I usually end up crying because its horrible seeing him so upset.

I am extremely supportive and never shout at him about it or make him feel bad about it. But when I bring it up he'll cry.. then be silent for hours. So I'll leave him to it for a bit.
I'll try to talk again but lately he snaps now..like when he's had time to sit for an hour..he suddenly changes his tune and now seems annoyed at me like I've done something wrong ...when before he was saying sorry for his libido he doesn't know what it is.

I've constantly asked was it me.. was I not sexy anymore, has he fallen out of love with me..what can I do to help. Has he maybe lost his spark with me and is afraid to say? All times he's said no way,it was nothing to do with me,it's all him and he hates that I feel like this.
So two weeks ago we were talking and he was looking irritated and I was frustrated and wanted to be close to him and I got upset..he then snapped and said to me "Stop fucking crying you look very unattractive when you do" (he cries all the time) I felt so stupid and embarrassed,slept in the spare room and avoided him for days. He eventually apologised ..though its still been worrying me.

Last night I brought the subject up again and said I understand about not having a libido but would still love to kiss and cuddle like we had planned...it eventually turned into him getting very angry where he snapped "Do you want to know the truth??It's you,you do nothing to attract me anymore'' I was so confused I asked was he just saying this to hurt me in the moment as he has form for saying nasty things he later says isn't true. He said "when I come home from work you never have your hair and make up done,the state of you" 😳(lost my job coz of covid)wtf?! For 5 years he's been constantly telling me I dont need make up and I'm so pretty without it, I should try to go out without it etc. And when he said this to me last night...I had my hair and make up done!!!?

I can't get my head around it. I'm so confused.

Was he lying before and it really is me and he's not attracted to me...or is it that he said those things in anger?
Wtf do I do now. Is it over? Because i feel so stupid and embarrassed..I suddenly feel so stupid and ugly.
I asked a hundred times was it me. I bought new silky sexy pyjamas and did my hair before bed this week he didn't even look or comment. I dont understand. How is it now me and not being attractive enough?
This may be trivial to some people but I can't stop crying and I feel so ugly and embarrassed by myself now. It's so heavy on me. I've never felt so badly about myself before, I want to crawl under a rock.

He’s obviously having issues and tried to put the blame on you. I’d make plans and leave him, good luck 💐

@flaviaritt

“You’re unattractive” is just the cry of the insecure man terrified his partner will leave. He doesn’t want you to go (you probably make life easier for him), so he wants to convince you you can’t do better. Don’t let him.

100% agree with this

There is so much to consider here. He tragically lost his best friend and he's 'stuck' in a country and can't go home.
I am not saying you are a burden on him OP, but he is out at work all day, is the sole earner and keeping the roof over your heads. He's also coming home to do the housework and the cooking. Then you have the intimacy issues, which he may feel a failure for. Can you not see that all of the above may simply be too much for him?
People react differently to things, and some people lash out. He may mean what he said, he may not - but that doesn't negate how hurtful it was for you, and I would be upset too.
It is easy for people on here to say LTB, he's gay or whatever, but there is clearly so much going on with him right now. Is this worth writing him off and throwing away your otherwise good relationship? Maybe he's reached rock bottom?

There is a reason behind this. Either porn or he’s a survivor of CSA. From what you’ve said I reckon it’s CSA, and he’s told you your unattractive to throw you off the scent iykwim.
Unless he’s willing to do major and extensive therapy the future isn’t great I’m afraid.

Throw this guy in the bins furthest away from your house. Do not waste a second more wondering if there is anything you could do to seem more attractive to him. His attitude is vile. Anti depressants do not turn you into a dickhead imo.

Any chance he is gay?
He is ruining your self confidence. Life and love doesn't have to be that hard

I could have written this. My DH has depression related to ongoing health problems. This has made him very selfish it's been a very hard few years but he is becoming more affectionate like he used to be. We have had many difficulties and it's had a massive impact on my confidence. I still feel ugly and unloved at times. We have a family together and he is committed to getting help, otherwise I would have left.

Don't try to help him anymore, don't stay with him, don't go to couple's counselling. Just leave. This pandemic has shown us that life is too short to be miserable. You have one life only. Please, please leave and be happy. In a good relationship you will feel safe, respected and cherished. Enjoy some time on your own and with friends to build up your confidence again. You will never regret taking control of your own happiness OP. Good luck xx

This is definitely not you causing anything.Hes just lashing out at you and thats very cruel.He needs to work on his mental health else LTB..

I apologise for being blunt OP, I mean this in the gentlest way - but WHY stay in a relationship (and I use that word very generously) with someone who clearly doesn't love you, doesn't respect you, isn't attracted to you, doesn't have sex with you, isn't affectionate towards you, isn't nice to you, and doesn't even seem to like you?

OP I know it will be difficult and painful. But I hope that one day soon the fog will lift and you will see with clear eyes: that this is NOT a relationship, that you are deeply unhappy, that things will never get better with this man.... You deserve happiness, and I can't see it ever happening with this man.

None of this is about you, lashing out and reversing the problem is something people do when they have a problem and want you to stop bothering them.
You could look like a supermodel everyday and it wouldn't matter.
Something is up with him and the least he could do is let you know what the problem is so you can decide to move on with your life or not.
He owes you that. I'd be thinking about ultimatums at this stage or asking him straight if he wants to split because you can't go on like this.

I was married to a man like this. He kept me dangling on, looking after his (emotional and physical) needs, denying my need for support, affection and intimacy until he met someone at work that he wanted more. He fixated on her as being the solution to why he felt shit and me as the problem. I eventually cottoned on and ended our 15 year marriage, though with the added burden of two small children.

Thing is he will keep doing this, grinding you down, denying you what you need, making you feel shit about yourself until a better option comes up and even then he may not have the guts to pull the trigger.

You are unhappy now.
You are unloved now.
Just end it, now.

I had no income and two children. It was still better to be free of his incessant weeping, rejection and excuses.

it will hurt like nothing else, it will, but the freedom will be transformational.

@chloworm is right.

It might be depression. He might have the ick. There might be someone else. Whatever.

He is cruel to you. He is undermining your self confidence. Leave.

As @LumpyPillow said:

Stop circling back to HIS pain and what you feel you're 'lacking'. Focus on you. It's so hard, but every time you feel yourself thinking 'but maybe it's me I haven't been supportive enough, maybe it's xyz part of his mental health problems that make him do this to me (again, big NO! MH is not an excuse to treat people poorly!!!) literally shout STOP in your brain and refocus your thoughts to yourself. Find books or YouTube videos on self esteem, attachment styles, learn about yourself and ultimately, don't waste any more time on someone who is willing to make you feel worthless!

Who is looking after your pain and misery? Please stop helping with his and turn that attention to yourself.

Can you at least try separate rooms? You have a spare room, would he go there or would he be difficult about it? I suspect that actually if you present it to him as a way to (temporarily) take the performance pressure off you both, then he may not make any fuss about it.

That gives you both a bit of space - literally and figuratively - to breathe, look inside your own heads calmly and quietly. No pressure for a great and irrevocable change as yet. Just a space (again, literally and figuratively) where there's no pressure on either of you to do anything.

@LonelyFromCorona

It sounds like he has MH issues. Posters on here should remember to be kind. Don't forget about Caroline

He does have MH issues.

That does not mean that the OP has to martyr herself and put her own feelings to one side whilst bending over backwards pandering to his.

eugh get rid, OP, he is not a kind or decent man.

Your partner is having a tuff time it seems .Either he is having some serious medical issues or he has a mental health issue .
if he cries , it obviously means something is seriously very wrong with him .
Has he trying getting diagnosed in both cases either a mental health issue or health issue . if not he should do it .
As I can see you both cannot carry one like this .
In either case , as for now separate for sometime even temporary .You will not get anything good out for him at the moment .He is saying all these rude stuff in anger because either he doesnt want to address the underline issue or he himself is afraid of separating with u .So bottom line is Separate for the moment .give some space

It's not you, OP, it's him.
That being said, he sounds in pain.
But am not convinced you can help him.
It's tough. He should probably get professional help.

I was married to someone like this as well. His MH issues ruled the whole relationship until one day, he met someone else and suddenly his MH was much better. Don't waste your time. Get out while you are young

LonelyFromCorona
It sounds like he has MH issues. Posters on here should remember to be kind. Don't forget about Caroline
well he does have MH issues, the OP has clearly said so. But the OP does not have to sacrifice herself at the altar of that. this is why women always get the shitty end of the stick, we're expected to 'be kind' and understanding. Is there a time limit on that? a year? five? 20?
just how unattractive and crap does the OP have to be made to feel about herself, for the sake of being kind to others?

It does sound like he has real problems OP . You can’t fix that though , that’s down to him getting the help he needs . At the moment he risks damaging your mental health too - only you can decide how long that can go on . You only have one go at life - don’t waste it being unhappy - can you seek counselling as a couple ?

Hi lovely people.
I am just home. I'm going to sit down with a cuppa now and read up on all the posts I've missed.

He was coming downstairs as I walked in the door he asked me was I alright I ignored him. Thanks for all the replies will get to them now.

The flowers should indeed be in the compost.

As much for the children as anything else.

They do not need to see evidence of further confusion in their lives.

They do not need more uncertainty.

Apologies, wrong thread.