"You do nothing to attract me"

[FeelingUglyandStupid]

I have name changed through embarrassment.
I'm sorry this is so long.

Recently my partner has said some awful things to me and I don't know what to do about it .
Backstory is,together 5 and a half years,early 30s,neither of us have children.

We are rarely intimate anymore. When I bring it up he always tells me he's lost his libido and doesn't know why but assures me its nothing to do with me.
He tried antidepressants last year for about 4 weeks and says its probably that and is speaking to his counseller about it.
We then make a plan together of what we can do to bring back the affection and help him (he doesn't even think to kiss me anymore until I ask)
But then weeks go by where he doesn't attempt anything so I'll gently bring it up.. he always cries and gets very upset and ashamed which I understand. I usually end up crying because its horrible seeing him so upset.

I am extremely supportive and never shout at him about it or make him feel bad about it. But when I bring it up he'll cry.. then be silent for hours. So I'll leave him to it for a bit.
I'll try to talk again but lately he snaps now..like when he's had time to sit for an hour..he suddenly changes his tune and now seems annoyed at me like I've done something wrong ...when before he was saying sorry for his libido he doesn't know what it is.

I've constantly asked was it me.. was I not sexy anymore, has he fallen out of love with me..what can I do to help. Has he maybe lost his spark with me and is afraid to say? All times he's said no way,it was nothing to do with me,it's all him and he hates that I feel like this.
So two weeks ago we were talking and he was looking irritated and I was frustrated and wanted to be close to him and I got upset..he then snapped and said to me "Stop fucking crying you look very unattractive when you do" (he cries all the time) I felt so stupid and embarrassed,slept in the spare room and avoided him for days. He eventually apologised ..though its still been worrying me.

Last night I brought the subject up again and said I understand about not having a libido but would still love to kiss and cuddle like we had planned...it eventually turned into him getting very angry where he snapped "Do you want to know the truth??It's you,you do nothing to attract me anymore'' I was so confused I asked was he just saying this to hurt me in the moment as he has form for saying nasty things he later says isn't true. He said "when I come home from work you never have your hair and make up done,the state of you" 😳(lost my job coz of covid)wtf?! For 5 years he's been constantly telling me I dont need make up and I'm so pretty without it, I should try to go out without it etc. And when he said this to me last night...I had my hair and make up done!!!?

I can't get my head around it. I'm so confused.

Was he lying before and it really is me and he's not attracted to me...or is it that he said those things in anger?
Wtf do I do now. Is it over? Because i feel so stupid and embarrassed..I suddenly feel so stupid and ugly.
I asked a hundred times was it me. I bought new silky sexy pyjamas and did my hair before bed this week he didn't even look or comment. I dont understand. How is it now me and not being attractive enough?
This may be trivial to some people but I can't stop crying and I feel so ugly and embarrassed by myself now. It's so heavy on me. I've never felt so badly about myself before, I want to crawl under a rock.

@FeelingUglyandStupid

He said he only said those things to hurt me and didn't mean it. Doesn't want to break up.. but at the same time he sent me a link this morning to an article about ''what to do when you're not sexually attracted to your partner anymore ". He sent other ones too about grief and bereavement and loss of libido in men. This has made me feel pig ugly again and more confused. Can someone please explain how if it's his libido...then how can I suddenly be more attractive to him ?? Surely of its your libido...nobody will get you going. I'm so confused

OP, he sounds like a self-obsessed (and nasty!) bastard. Why you are putting up with his shit, I never know!

Rather than keeping going on about and trying to analyse his behaviour, why not do something about it?! And I don't mean by increasing affection, wearing sexy lingerie, etc., to increase closeness between you and to rev his libido.

Listen to what he is telling by his actions. He doesn't fancy you (for whatever reason) and is with you for the convenience of it.

@LEELULUMPKIN

Is he impotent and maybe his embarrassment has caused him to lash out and blame you?

Agree with above...If he has impotence worries, it could be making him very unfairly take it out on you.

I {unfortunately!} years ago dated an impotent man.
He was always trying to put me down by being nasty about my appearance.

However I spoke to some of his friends who said that he was renowned for being impotent and cruel {He lived in a small country town where everyone knows everyone else}.

His nickname was ''Mr Floppy" in the Town...So it wasn't ''Just Me''.

Flaccido Domingo was let go.

Maybe you should do the same?

Lifeisabeach09yes I think I agree with you. Hes now told me that was the wrong article to send me and its nothing about my attractiveness,its just his loss of libido. I'm really confused.
He's at work and says he wants to talk again when he's home.
I'm so confused and sad I dont know if I even have anything to say today.

2oakleaffy no hes not impotent at all. It still works. He just ignores any erection because he's not interested because he becomes self conscious and is afraid to make the move. he is definitely depressed.

Just wanted to say thank you again to anyone who's taken the time to reply to me. You're lovely people and I appreciate you. You help my loneliness.

He "only said those things to hurt you" - Wait, what the actual...?

It's not OK that he said things to hurt you, OP. He said that as if it was a valid excuse! Hurting you is not a valid excuse! It's not ok.

Also, why is he sending you those articles about "what to do if you're not attracted to your partner"? If he's not attracted to you, it's not on you to read up on it and do something about it. Jeez. He sounds like a child and you need to leave him to sort out his issues.

Honestly OP. If a break up seems to scary, just initiate a break, maybe 2 weeks? He needs to experience being alone and standing on his own without you. You're not his carer.

wildraisins yes he agrees it's not right and he shouldn't have done it. He said hes dealing with so much and is sick of not getting things right that he's lashing out. He said that was the wrong article to send me and has since sent one titled ''drifting apart happens,how to get back on track'' he maintains now that it's about his libido and drifting because of it.

It does sounds like he is not attracted to you anymore and is trying to use this "loss of libido" because he is too scared of hurting your feelings to say it directly. It's a really hard thing to tell someone. But it is cowardly and wrong of him to put it on you to read between the lines.

I dont know where he could go except a hotel? And we're on lockdown.

Thing is OP, why is he sending you any articles at all? It's not on you to deal with it. He should be reading those articles himself and making a decision on what to do. You don't have to be involved with that - it's as if you were his carer. You deserve so much better xx

@FeelingUglyandStupid

You are being incredibly passive in this, OP. Why are you letting this selfish prick make all the decisions about the relationship?
Break ups are very hard especially after 5 years together but you will be happier in the longrun.

My partner (well , now ex partner) has no libido, I guess he's asexual. He's said cruel things to although not always directly re my appearance, it's him. I 'm younger, I look fine,(told often that I'm beautiful, by others, but because of his damage I'd never believe it); he's an angry ugly man. Ugly in personality too, abusive. He has said for years he doesn't fancy me in the slightest or find me attractive. We've not had sex for years.
We split up a few days ago. Unfortunately we still have to live together because of lockdown and money but he says he's leaving soon.
It's harsh but I know a breakup is the only answer. He's not going to change.
And nor is your abusive DP.
Im very scared and no support at all but I can do this.
I'm far lonelier being with him than will be without him. I reckon you will be the same
Good luck..please don't try any more, as I assure you it's NOT you
but for years I went into a complete downward spiral of self loathing.
When in fact he should have been happy to have a younger woman on his arm. He withdrew all affection too..and i can't live with that. And it killed the love I had for him

It does sounds like he is not attracted to you anymore and is trying to use this "loss of libido" because he is too scared of hurting your feelings to say it directly. It's a really hard thing to tell someone. But it is cowardly and wrong of him to put it on you to read between the lines

Yes that's why I felt I was going crazy. I gave him ample opportunity to tell me it was that. I said I could handle it and would still be supportive and be his friend. It's not nice but it happens and falling out of love cant really be someone's 'fault' it just happens. So he knows I wouldn't be horrible to him. He always maintained it was him.

Then out of anger he said those things to me(according to him) So now I'm being told the opposite and I cant make out which one is true.
No need to drag me along and tell me different things if he knows I can handle being told the truth. And I can.

He sent me the articles because they were the ones he was reading to make a start on sorting things and wanted to show me what he was reading.

You don’t have kids yet, OP I implore you to break up with him!!!! It will NOT get better, you WILL get over any sadness. This is your life, no one deserves to be spoken to like that. Planning a wedding and kids would be a nail in the coffin, why wait for that when you can escape now. Sending hugs!!!!

alltoomuchrightnow I'm sorry you've had to deal with that thank you for your advice . I really hope you have everything you've ever wanted in life after you get away from him completely.
I wish you the best of luck and admire your strength.

I've have screenshot your post along with others to make sure I keep reading them over the day.
I'm still completely stuck on whether this will work or not which is very frustrating but I'm going to keep reading anything I get, to at least try to feed my brain what it needs if that makes any sense at all because I know I'm not being good to myself.

I won't be getting married or having children with anyone sontheres no pressure there. But I understand what you are saying.

Thank you for the responses x

OP realistically you can’t stay in a relationship where some one finds it irritating to even hug you regardless what the reasons are.

Could be depression
Could be that he doesn’t fancy you anymore

Could be that he has no sexual drive.

Could be anything.

But if your honest with yourself you know he’d quite happily go with out even having a cuddle.

Your two ‘friends’ living together.

You will not be left on the shelf at your age. Also being single isn’t that bad!

You deserve better.

You are not responsible for the happiness of this man.

He has major problems that he needs to sort out. It is not your job to hold his hand and suffer his insults while he does this.

Your current plan seems to be: wait and suffer in the hope that things will get better. They will not get better.

He does do cuddles. He hugs me a lot throughout the day. And pecks. Just no sensual kissing or sex. He says hes afraid to cuddle too much in bed in case it leads to sex and he feels stressed and worried then(which I get ,I was in a similar position years ago with a previous partner) So I understand it can be a mental thing that blocks you.
I just dont know what to think, my mind keeps going back and forward because of the confusion hes planted.

And even if he did just say those things in anger and is still attracted to me,I fear the damage has been done to me and I just wont have any self esteem.

We spoke briefly last night and I was crying but in the middle of it I internally panicked and realised my face probably looked ugly and I should turn away. How sad is it to not even be able to concentrate on crying for fear of looking ugly. I realised that in the moment and know how seriously wrong that is.

Leave before your self esteem gets more and more eroded away
Mine stopped the sex. I put up with it. Then he moved rooms so he sleeps on sofa. Then the cuddles stopped. A peck on the cheek. Holding hands. I thought it was me and felt fat and ugly but he is an unattractive man and people have often commented on us being an odd couple.
Then I started getting brushed away if even went to give a hug.
I have to keep reminding myself I'm certain he did the same with his ex. He has no libido and has never told the doctor. He also has Peyronies now, it hurts him , he's had for about 5 yrs and never told doctor! so i have no respect. But he's just so so cuttingly cruel.
So he's leaving. Trouble is, it's his house he's leaving me in. It's not mine. So it's worrying. I face homelessness
But one thing at a time, can't go on like this. and nor can you

There are loving tactile men out there somewhere who hopefully will want to share a life with us!

Jesusalltoomuchrightnow that's a lot. I'm really sorry he's done that to you. I really hope things work out for you and you are safe and secure. I am taking everyone's advice in. X