"You do nothing to attract me"

[FeelingUglyandStupid]

I have name changed through embarrassment.
I'm sorry this is so long.

Recently my partner has said some awful things to me and I don't know what to do about it .
Backstory is,together 5 and a half years,early 30s,neither of us have children.

We are rarely intimate anymore. When I bring it up he always tells me he's lost his libido and doesn't know why but assures me its nothing to do with me.
He tried antidepressants last year for about 4 weeks and says its probably that and is speaking to his counseller about it.
We then make a plan together of what we can do to bring back the affection and help him (he doesn't even think to kiss me anymore until I ask)
But then weeks go by where he doesn't attempt anything so I'll gently bring it up.. he always cries and gets very upset and ashamed which I understand. I usually end up crying because its horrible seeing him so upset.

I am extremely supportive and never shout at him about it or make him feel bad about it. But when I bring it up he'll cry.. then be silent for hours. So I'll leave him to it for a bit.
I'll try to talk again but lately he snaps now..like when he's had time to sit for an hour..he suddenly changes his tune and now seems annoyed at me like I've done something wrong ...when before he was saying sorry for his libido he doesn't know what it is.

I've constantly asked was it me.. was I not sexy anymore, has he fallen out of love with me..what can I do to help. Has he maybe lost his spark with me and is afraid to say? All times he's said no way,it was nothing to do with me,it's all him and he hates that I feel like this.
So two weeks ago we were talking and he was looking irritated and I was frustrated and wanted to be close to him and I got upset..he then snapped and said to me "Stop fucking crying you look very unattractive when you do" (he cries all the time) I felt so stupid and embarrassed,slept in the spare room and avoided him for days. He eventually apologised ..though its still been worrying me.

Last night I brought the subject up again and said I understand about not having a libido but would still love to kiss and cuddle like we had planned...it eventually turned into him getting very angry where he snapped "Do you want to know the truth??It's you,you do nothing to attract me anymore'' I was so confused I asked was he just saying this to hurt me in the moment as he has form for saying nasty things he later says isn't true. He said "when I come home from work you never have your hair and make up done,the state of you" 😳(lost my job coz of covid)wtf?! For 5 years he's been constantly telling me I dont need make up and I'm so pretty without it, I should try to go out without it etc. And when he said this to me last night...I had my hair and make up done!!!?

I can't get my head around it. I'm so confused.

Was he lying before and it really is me and he's not attracted to me...or is it that he said those things in anger?
Wtf do I do now. Is it over? Because i feel so stupid and embarrassed..I suddenly feel so stupid and ugly.
I asked a hundred times was it me. I bought new silky sexy pyjamas and did my hair before bed this week he didn't even look or comment. I dont understand. How is it now me and not being attractive enough?
This may be trivial to some people but I can't stop crying and I feel so ugly and embarrassed by myself now. It's so heavy on me. I've never felt so badly about myself before, I want to crawl under a rock.

You are making excuses for him OP.

It's hard that his friend was in an accident. It really is.

That doesn't mean it's OK for him to treat you the way he does.

Thank you JenniferSantoro appreciate your words. X

You are worth so much more than this treatment. Use the spare room and then make your plans to leave or ask him to leave in a decent time frame.

I am making excuses for him. Hes just such a good person otherwise. I know that's a stupid thing to say. He's never said anything so mean before these two times. So naturally I'm questioning it..more than I should be but it's hard to just walk away. I think I'm going to avoid him for tonight. And figure out exactly what I should say to him tomorrow..

Would it even be worth anything to show him this thread or no ? He does read mumsnet and he really values the opinions here. Hes often looked up threads here on grief and things.

A straight guy would not turn down sex like that.

I fairly regularly turn my partner down for sex, does that mean I’m secretly straight?!

OP, choosing to wear something sexy as a treat is fine, being expected to look a certain way by a partner is far from fine. If my partner expected me to look sexy I’d essentially tell hi exactly where he could stick his opinion, he’d do the same if I asked it of him.

Yes exactly. No one is good or bad really... we are all shades of grey. If you could just put him in the "bad person" category then the break up would be easy.

Break ups usually aren't about who is a good or bad person. Sometimes you have to just say, look, this isn't working for me. Whatever the reason. And walk away. Value yourself xx

He doesn't read it a lot and is not registered so he wouldn't be on it now or anything.

Break ups usually aren't about who is a good or bad person. Sometimes you have to just say, look, this isn't working for me. Whatever the reason. And walk away. Value yourselfxx
Thanks. Really. I definitely dont value myself at a lot lately.

I wouldn't show him the thread. It might upset him that you have been spending so much time talking about him when he isn't there and he's bound to feel slighted by all the people on here saying bad things about him.

Also, what people on the internet think isn't really the point.

You need to be able to stand up and say, look, this is what I think. Me. Myself. What I think matters and it doesn't need backing up by people on the internet.

You need to be self assured and confident, and know your worth. Using a forum to back up what you say just shows you are not really sure.

Think about what you want from him, and tell him in no uncertain terms what the deal is if he wants to keep you. Then stick to it. That is how you get him to listen.

@WankPuffins

It’s porn.

I had the same thing. I could have written your post.

I posted here for advice and I got the “maybe he’s gay” responses too.

He was finally honest.

It was a porn issue.

Just to add, I also had the same thing and could have written the OP's post.

Turns out my now-ex was/is gay (closet): it was gay hookups, gay porn, gay chat sites etc. Still to this day long after we've split up, he denies being gay despite actively seeking and having sex with men.

I now, with the benefit of hindsight, see that he was a cocklodger living with / using me whilst seeking sex with men. All the same issues as the OP .... low libido, me losing confidence, depression etc., crying, lashing out verbally. I also found out after we split that the exact same thing happened with his ex-wife and him shagging men was the reason for their divorce!

Incidentally he is currently on dating websites looking for a relationship with woman (presumably one who has her own home for him to cocklodge with again) whilst he shags men behind her back. I guess he's ashamed of being gay, even though there's nothing to be ashamed about, and will spend the rest of his life in the closet and hurting people.

My confidence was rock bottom, I started to doubt my own sanity at some points, but once I've seen the light and kicked him out I've never felt better!!!

OP - you need to look after yourself and your own happiness and let him look after his. As previous posters have said - it doesn't really matter what the reason is; this relationship is dragging you down and you need to get out of it

You question yourself a lot, OP. You say you feel stupid and you feel you're to blame and you think you're cowardly if you want to take some time to yourself. Have a read about self validation. Your feelings are valid. If you want time to yourself, that's valid. If you think something and are mistaken, that doesn't mean you're stupid. You're not giving yourself any permission to be a human - you're treating yourself as if your sole purpose is to be his perfect partner, and now you're wrecked because he's told you you're screwing it up.

Is there a voice inside you, saying 'Hang on a minute, DH, you're bang out of order there..' or something similar? Can you hear it? Even if you don't want to take any notice of it?

oh sweetheart this is not a minor issue, you're not being unreasonable, this is your life and you only get one. don't trivialise what you want out of it. There's a lot going wrong in the world right now but that's always the case, your happiness still matters.

he sounds depressed but you've done everything to support him by the sound of it, but where's his support of you. it goes both ways. and he may want to end it but either through laziness or not wanting to be the 'bad guy' wants you to say the words so is pushing you to deal with it. at least he has apologised for what he's said, but something is still going on that runs deeper and has been for a while..

yeah he does housework, laundry, cooking but where's the fun, the joy, the intimacy? these are the things that make it worth sticking around, not how well he makes dinner. you seem to be in a 'friends who live together' set up which is fine if that's all you want, but you're back and forth to counselling so its clearly not. And if he's saying things like this to you and making you increasingly uncomfortable with your appearance then he's massively crossed a line. I'd say you've given it a fair chance but this has gone on long enough and you're flogging a dead horse. As long as you carry on like this your confidence will continue to be eroded, and you could be missing out on someone who can also cook & do laundry but will make you truly happy.

Yup! What @supportivemyarse said!

Anyone can do a bit of cooking and cleaning. Not saying you shouldn't appreciate those things, but it's not hard! My partner does that and it is just expected that we both contribute to it. Really no big deal.

What you need is validation, respect and love! Cooking and cleaning is nothing if the person doesn't appreciate and value you. He should also be giving you emotional support and if he's not in a position to give you that - for WHATEVER reason (may or may not be his "fault") - then he isn't fufilling your needs in the relationship.

You are NOT being unreasonable. It is soul destroying when you want intimacy with your partner and they can't or won't but the way he is being is downright cruel.

Honestly, leave him. He's a bully and whatever is going on, you don't need it in your life.

BTW 4 weeks on antidepressants is ridiculous if you want it to help and truly have depression.

It’s not you. You need to stop waiting for him. This will eat away at your self esteem x

Have only skimmed the thread, but I was in a marriage for years where my ex refused to have any kind if intimacy and insisted on a platonic relationship. Said it was his age, he'd lost interest in the physical side etc. I thought I had to stay in the relationship for the DC, that my unhappiness and loneliness were unimportant and I had to put up with things. It was a very difficult few years.

We actually separated for other reasons, but I still wish that we'd done so years before, when it was clear that the physical relationship was over. If both are happy in a platonic relationship then great, but if not, then for the one who is not happy it's soul destroying. It's not just about the act of penetrative sex, it's the kisses, the cuddles, the knowing that your partner finds you attractive, even when you don't act on it.

As soon as we talked of separating my ex was on lots of dodgy sites (actually being scammed out of money) trying to find women to have sex with. There was a lot of porn as well, probably long before we separated. He just wasn't attracted to me, but wanted the family life and a comfortable home. I was just supposed to put up with it being platonic.

OP, there is nothing more important than your happiness. It's very sad that the relationship has deteriorated, but however nice he is at times, the way you describe him speaking to you at times is emotionally abusive, and you do not have to put up with this. Be grateful for the good times that you have had, but it's time to move on, however painful it will be.

It sounds like he has MH issues. Posters on here should remember to be kind. Don't forget about Caroline

He doesn't love you anymore OP. Why are you valuing yourself so low. Have self respect and call it quits! This is my first LTB.

You have no children, no house together (I presume), you have wasted 5 years on this person (and I suspect he has been like this with you before) why waste any more years. Life is short! Run like the wind and don't look back.

Reading it I wonder if he is gay and perhaps is struggling with it. Hence taking it out on you OP.

Like others on this thread I rarely say LTB but I think you have no choice. He is not willing to work on the relationship or behave like a decent partner. He very likely wants you to end it so he doesn't feel guilty. So that's one last favour you can do him! I feel for you, I would hate to be in this relationship.

Tbh I think he's really angry with himself and lashing out like a child.

I've had times when my contraception has killed my sex drive and it's so awful. You don't want sex but know you should so there's pressure. Personally mine has nothing to do with my partners appearance or my love for him and it's really hard to articulate just not having the need for sex.it's like an empty vacuum where once there was that need and response. At times the thought of sex - any sex with anyone - sickened me.

But, he hasn't said all of that to you. He's made out like it's your fault for not dressing up like a dolly and that, for me, is a sackable offence.

I don't think you can come back from this. I don't think he meant it, but that makes it worse. He's not trustworthy I'm afraid and so I'd be trying to find someone new.

Bless you OP, that must be heartbreaking to feel so rejected from someone you love and have had a relationship for so many years.

Honestly when you get to this level there’s rarely an ability to turn it around, he’s happy to let you feel rejected and sad and full of self loathing.
He is letting you feel those things.

If he was willing to talk openly and honestly and willing to seem ways to improve this then Id say you’ve got a chance. But he isn’t willing to be honest.

So far you’ve got a partner who:
Actively let’s you believe you are unattractive and actively fuels your self doubt and self worth

Will not communicate openly and honestly with you nor seek ways to bring your relationship back on track.

Is this the person you really want? There could be a million reasons why he does not want intimacy with you but I actually think that’s not the primary issue, the primary issue is that he does not care that you are confused and hurting and are spending your days feeing rejected and confused. He could solve this by just opening up honestly.

Personally if I were you I would offer one chance, one real chance of opening up the dialogue. Give him an ultimatum and be prepared to follow through.

Honestly and action or we are finished.

Be prepared to see it through. Life is too precious to spend your life with someone who does not see your beauty and warmth and love and want to return it ten fold.

Good luck

Tell him to go fuck himself.

@Tittiana

A straight guy would not turn down sex like that. And his comments are not something a straight guy would say. Tbh you havent been a good judge of charactet and behavious so far so i wouldnt rush to deny this possibility. Hopefully other posters who think gay too will chime in.

I'm sorry but this is ridiculous. Straight guys can not want to have sex for lots of reasons depression, not being attracted, affair, low self esteem. Saying he's gay is a bit of a strech!!!!