"You do nothing to attract me"

[FeelingUglyandStupid]

I have name changed through embarrassment.
I'm sorry this is so long.

Recently my partner has said some awful things to me and I don't know what to do about it .
Backstory is,together 5 and a half years,early 30s,neither of us have children.

We are rarely intimate anymore. When I bring it up he always tells me he's lost his libido and doesn't know why but assures me its nothing to do with me.
He tried antidepressants last year for about 4 weeks and says its probably that and is speaking to his counseller about it.
We then make a plan together of what we can do to bring back the affection and help him (he doesn't even think to kiss me anymore until I ask)
But then weeks go by where he doesn't attempt anything so I'll gently bring it up.. he always cries and gets very upset and ashamed which I understand. I usually end up crying because its horrible seeing him so upset.

I am extremely supportive and never shout at him about it or make him feel bad about it. But when I bring it up he'll cry.. then be silent for hours. So I'll leave him to it for a bit.
I'll try to talk again but lately he snaps now..like when he's had time to sit for an hour..he suddenly changes his tune and now seems annoyed at me like I've done something wrong ...when before he was saying sorry for his libido he doesn't know what it is.

I've constantly asked was it me.. was I not sexy anymore, has he fallen out of love with me..what can I do to help. Has he maybe lost his spark with me and is afraid to say? All times he's said no way,it was nothing to do with me,it's all him and he hates that I feel like this.
So two weeks ago we were talking and he was looking irritated and I was frustrated and wanted to be close to him and I got upset..he then snapped and said to me "Stop fucking crying you look very unattractive when you do" (he cries all the time) I felt so stupid and embarrassed,slept in the spare room and avoided him for days. He eventually apologised ..though its still been worrying me.

Last night I brought the subject up again and said I understand about not having a libido but would still love to kiss and cuddle like we had planned...it eventually turned into him getting very angry where he snapped "Do you want to know the truth??It's you,you do nothing to attract me anymore'' I was so confused I asked was he just saying this to hurt me in the moment as he has form for saying nasty things he later says isn't true. He said "when I come home from work you never have your hair and make up done,the state of you" 😳(lost my job coz of covid)wtf?! For 5 years he's been constantly telling me I dont need make up and I'm so pretty without it, I should try to go out without it etc. And when he said this to me last night...I had my hair and make up done!!!?

I can't get my head around it. I'm so confused.

Was he lying before and it really is me and he's not attracted to me...or is it that he said those things in anger?
Wtf do I do now. Is it over? Because i feel so stupid and embarrassed..I suddenly feel so stupid and ugly.
I asked a hundred times was it me. I bought new silky sexy pyjamas and did my hair before bed this week he didn't even look or comment. I dont understand. How is it now me and not being attractive enough?
This may be trivial to some people but I can't stop crying and I feel so ugly and embarrassed by myself now. It's so heavy on me. I've never felt so badly about myself before, I want to crawl under a rock.

Ah, just seen your update about the origin of his depression.

It's still OK to think about what's best your own mental wellbeing though.

Op, you know the saying, the best form of defense is attack. I suspect this is what’s happened here, he snapped and lashed out. Because he felt under attack that doesn’t mean he was under attack, just the constant pressure of it, when he already knows, made him lash out

If he can make it partly your fault then it takes the pressure off him and could be a way to make you stop. It doesn’t make it right, but it could explain it. You were hurting him by raising it again, so he hurt you back.

I very much doubt it’s about you, in terms of your appearance, more likely it’s about you and the pressure he feels on it. This is not a case where he doesn’t know, or he’s forgotten snd needs you to remind him. He knows full well, he hasn’t forgotten, and doesn’t feel he needs telling again.

*best for

Love , your spending your life walking over got coals to please him or eggshells when he's on a downer. Is that the life you'd planned for yourself ? Are you enjoying life with him ?
No need to answer because you ( and us ) know the answer is no. You are not his mother ,and not his housekeeper . What's in this for you ? You will answer , but I love him , and he's a good guy , but really he isn't is he , he has been a sad , boring , sexless , moany shit to you . So what do you want / will you do about it ?

You have a partner who acts like a brother or flatmate. If that's all you want out of a romantic relationship then that's fine, but you reasonably want more and he doesn't (for whatever reason).
Sounds like you're both unhappy and counselling isn't helping him with resolving his sex drive or intimacy. You need to call time and deserve to find someone who is better matched to you and will make you feel happy in your relationship.

Why are you staying with and making excuses for this man? He has said cruel things to you, frequently upsets you and is seemingly uninterested in making an effort to make things better. Don’t you think you’re worth more than that? Surely you think you’re worth a relationship that makes you feel valued.

Oh God this sounds awful. It's time for you to leave this toxic relationship. He doesn't do anything for your self-esteem. You're still young, use this time to ditch him and find someone who genuinely loves and supports you. Don't stay with someone who doesn't care...….and I'm sorry to say it but from your thread it seems like he's checked out.

You can do better than this.

I have to go out in about 30 minutes but wanted to thank you all again. You've helped me stop crying long enough to actually think. You've helped me realise things I was pushing aside.
I dont know how I would have coped without you all. I've been on mumsnet for years. I'm sure some of you would know my real username but thank you. You're a wonderful pack. I will continue reading your comments and will reply when I am home(I'm considering staying out til after hes home)left to his own devices he'd be asleep by 8pm and sleep right through. I'm not sure I have the head to say anything this evening. I may just come home when hes likely to be asleep. Cowardly but I don't want to cry again today

Oh I see. So he comes in from work with fresh breath, fresh feet, like a hunk of stuff. Then goes in the shower and makes him smell like angels, before fully grooming and laying in bed looking oh so irresistible.

The cheeky sod. Despite being depressed. You are who you are. Why should you be greeting him in sexy knickers with your hair curled and looking like you are going out on the town.

Some days I'm dressed. Makeup on. Hair straightened. Other days I am dossing in my PJ's with no hint of makeup and probably wouldn't answer the door.

Don't feel ugly. You have every right to relax and makeup costs money and things.

It sounds like you've tried and it's time to really consider your future. Somewhere that you will be loved and appreciated as you deserve.

Please don't feel bad. We are not pieces of meat!

If he can make it partly your fault then it takes the pressure off him and could be a way to make you stop. It doesn’t make it right, but it could explain it. You were hurting him by raising it again, so he hurt you back yes i told him last night I thought this was what was going on. But in his anger he wouldn't admit it. I think hes going to come home and say that. Its extremely confusing . But you are all right. it's no excuse for what he said.

OP I think you already know the answer - he's checked out of the relationship.

You aren't getting anything from this relationship at all. It's over - you're young, you can move on from this relationship and find something more meaningful.

Thanks 90sgirl89 thanks to all of you for even taking the time to speak to me. I appreciate it so much.

Hi OP

What a horrible situation for you. My comments would be that unless you are really pressuring him for sex (it doesnt sound like that to me, more that you want some general affection), his behaviour is unacceptable. Plenty of people, myself included, have gone through periods of loss of libido. But people still manage to be affectionate with their partners eg if I have gone off sex I will still want a hug from my partner and still want to hold hands etc. The only exception would be if my partner was one of those people who pressure others into sex then I'd be worried about showing affection in case he took that as a green light that we were going to have sex and then took it out on me when that didn't happen. It doesnt sound like that's the case here.

Also to be honest, I haven't read all the responses so others might have said this but his comment shows horrible indications of misogyny. That women are attractive if they 'make an effort' like some kind of 50s housewife.

Saying you need counselling is a bit of a low blow as well...for what? For wanting your partner actually show that he loves you? That's completely normal.

Have you considered counselling as a couple? I don't think he is gay

Cheaters make up lies to make time to cheat.

He’s telling you he’s with his boss all day. He tells you this.

He has a lunch break and other breaks.

He could leave work early.

His commute could have been “delayed”.

He could be shagging her at work.

Even if he’s not cheating the relationship is ruining your self esteem.

Yes he has asked to do couples counselling. Just with Corona there are waiting lists and I dont feel like having our first session over zoom or something I would find it hard to really talk. But I do need to go

It doesn't sound as if he knows his own mind, and he's just saying whatever pops into his head at that moment. You've tried. You've been kind and understanding. I think you should put yourself first now and make the break. There is someone out there who would snap you up and treat you well.

I know someone who wanted to end it with his gf but didn't have the courage to do it, so he pushed her until she was the one who ended it. Maybe that's it.

MashedSweetSpud sorry but that's one thing i won't question. Hes 100% not cheat.

Cheating *

It doesn't sound as if he knows his own mind, and he's just saying whatever pops into his head at that moment
Yes!!! Its exactly like this!

Sorry this is happening to you OP.

He's being a total arsehole.

He's changing the narrative so that you are 'problem' not him. This is not true. He is the problem. Likely one of the three following things:

1. He's just not that into you anymore. The spark fades. If this is the case, he should be honest, not blame your imaginary failings he's conveniently magicked up .
2. He's had his head turned by someone else.
3. He's got himself a porn addiction. Thousands have. My money is on this because one of the classic messages they give out once the porn-induced erectile dysfunction kicks in is that you're not 'doing enough' for them anymore. Indeed, this is because they are seeing all sorts online and unless you become a sexual performing monkey who's happy to dress like a prostitute, be slapped about, stick objects up yourself or whatever, real life 'vanilla' sex with a real life partner is not enough any longer. Obviously, he doesn't want to admit he's become a porn addled wanker, so he blames it on you not being exciting enough. This is the new hideous pressure on women - to perform to men's direction like women in porn or be told they're not good enough.

You'll be lucky to get the truth out of him though.

Stand up for yourself. Tell him he's being rude and nasty and if you're not good enough as you are, he knows where the door is. Or he needs to sort himself the fuck out. Seriously. It Is Not You.

Just split up already. There's no gold star at the end of your life for tenacity.
You are both regularly crying. WTF?
You have no intimacy and you are in your early 30s with no children.
He regularly says mean, hurtful things and later says they weren't true.
Is there a dire lack of housing stock in your area? Why on earth aren't you away from this man.
He may be gay. It doesn't really matter though. Because he isn't right for you.

As others have said you have no children together, you're still young ,get out while you can .

Antibles obviously I dont know if its porn. I've asked before. hes said he hasn't even watched any in about a year. Should I bring it up one more time and tell him he can tell me anything? Or should I just leave it?

Is there a dire lack of housing stock in your area?
Yes there is a well documented housing crisis here at the moment. Its desperate.

He sounds like he’s horrible to you. You’ve no kids with him. I wouldn’t waste another minute on him. You deserve so much better than this.
Also don’t think you’re stupid; you don’t come across that way at all. I think you are probably suffering from low self esteem, which is completely understandable given how he treats you.