To stop MiL telling SiL she can't have children?

[UnicornAndSparkles]

Long story short, my SiL is 35yo and has had fibromialga for 3yrs meaning she gets exhausted easily, is on pain medication and is often in pain. We are very close. Shes married with no children. Im pregnant with my second child. Shes talked of contemplating children if/when she feels able to come off pain meds and TTC. She's not sure it would be safe to TTC whilst on the meds.

MiL let slip yesterday that she has told SiL that she would never be able to cope with children in her condition. She wasn't trying to be cruel but is very to the point and it can come across very badly. DH and I are utterly shocked that she said that.

SiL is now wondering if she could cope or whether that part of her life is never meant to be. It makes me so sad to think she's unable to have children bc of this condition and MiL persuading her there is "no way" she could, when she always assumed she would, one day.

SiL has asked my advice. I don't know what to say. I started saying its her choice and that there is help out there if she were to choose to have kids - nannies etc - and that really its nothing to do with MiL who lives 100 miles away and cant offer support. But honestly I don't know what to say. I think she would really regret not TTC and she doesn't have long to think about it being 35 and having to come off pain meds slowly to TTC. But, again, I cant offer her practical support to help look after any children as I work, have a toddler and am pregnant and live 50 miles from her.

Has anyone had children whilst suffering from a chronic disability? Is it manageable? Her DH works full time and there is no family nearby for practical support.

That was cruel and thoughtless of your MIL. As someone with ME/fibromyalgia, I'd be surprised if your SIL hasn't ever thought about it and how she would cope but it's a very personal thought process. Only she knows the the level of day to day pain she is in and how it affects her functioning. First thing to do, if she wants to TTC is to come off the pain meds for a while and see how she copes. If she wants to get through a pregnancy and potentially breast feeding she needs to find out if she can function without the pain meds.
I was on Gabapentin for so long, I actually forgot what my normal pain levels were like. I still experienced pain whilst on the medication but could really remember what it was like without it. I came off it, not because I was TTC (though I was conscious of that being in the future) but because I realised I wanted more connection with my body again, and I hated the side effects. I was on it for about 6 years. I've now been off it for two. I have good days and bad days. We haven't had a child yet or TTC but hoping to soon (bloody pandemic). The thought of having a child whilst suffering through the exhaustion and pain scares me witless. But I know I can cope well enough that my child won't be a carer for me. I'm lucky enough my Illness isn't debilitating. I always said if when I came off the pain meds I struggled to function then I wouldn't have children, but that's a personal choice. I also don't have anyone but my DH around and he works long hours.

Only she can know whether she thinks she's capable. I'd suggest chatting with her Dr as other drugs might be available, they might have recommendations for pregnancy and children for suffers of Fibro. Certainly there will be forums for sufferers to discuss.

Thank you. It really helps to have an insight. Her medical apts have all been postponed due to covid and she doesn't know anyone else with the condition so has little support in that regard.

I've shared the realities of having a child with her - the usual exhaustion, lack of sleep etc (even when you're fit and well), and also the absolute joy they bring - but I have no insight into how she physically feels. She seems to be wanting reassurance more than anything but MiL will think I'm ignorant and foolish for giving it (not that I'm sure I should care what MiL thinks!)

It's such a wide spectrum and everyone is different so it's hard to know if she'll cope. I have fibromyalgia and 2 kids, but wasn't diagnosed until older and it isn't constant, if she's on daily strong pain killers she's not the same as me. Her partner makes a huge difference as well plus she can buy in help if money isn't an issue

You are projecting. The reality is that her condition might indeed prevent her from being the mother she wishes she was.

I do agree that MIL might have been to direct, but at the same time, making her believe that it will be somehow ok is not helping either.

She may be able to cope - she may not but she does need to think very carefully. Her and her husband need to have some very open and honest conversations about the future, what support they can afford to put in place etc. They also need to consider the nature of her condition and the impact it could have on a child.
I don't think MIL is totally out of order in making sure SIL is thinking it through.

As someone who has multiple conditions inc fibromyalgia all of which cause fatigue I chose to have a family. My kids are my world, the reason I get up in the morning (however hard it is). The younger years are tough especially if you get a non sleeper but they are also physically hard with all the lifting etc but it is do-able and if its something your SIL wants to do then do it. Don't let the illness dictate her life. I had to choose between a career and kids and chose family and don't regret it at all. Now they are at school I have managed a little part time job which stretches my grey matter.
There is always help out there. If you need any advice then PM me.

@UnicornAndSparkles, I have ME, which imo is in the scale with fibromyalgia (you get more exhaustion with ME and more pain with fibromyalgia but they are pretty similar).

I developed ME after having my second.
The answer is: it’s hard work. There are many times when I haven’t been able to be the parent I wanted to be. I still arent and often breaks my heart not to be able to share social times with my dcs because I simply can’t physically follow.
Would I have taken the decision to have children if I had ME before o got pg? Tbh I’m not sure. The wish to be a mother was very very strong at the time. But when you are already struggling with everyday life, it makes you think. There has been times when wo DH I would not have been able to care for my dcs. Simply because cooking dinner was too much, let alone doing anything else in the house (incl washing, cleaning etc....). At that stage, there is no way I would have chose to bring a child into that.

Having said all that, I think your answer is the right one. Your SIL will know better than anyone else if she has some reserves left or not. Whether it’s about dealing with the pain or the tiredness etc...
She will also know how bad this can be. Everyone is different with that illness and she is the only one who knows who things are for her. That also means she is the only one who can decide (And plan for the worse scenario)

I DO think MIL is bang out of order.

I have a chronic illness (autoimmune disease) and my own mother began telling me in my early 20s that it was probably best I didn’t have children as I’d “never cope”. Despite the fact I was teaching hundreds of kids each week! She was still saying it 4 years ago when I was working 14 hour days in SEN boarding schools with 800 kids that I had responsibility for. At the back of my mind though I’m haunted by the “unfair to bring kids into the world because you aren’t well”
brainwashing which has added to an already deep and long lasting depression.

My cousin had fibromyalgia and had two children who were the light of her life. My friend is unsure whether she has ME or Fibro but she is badly affected (terrible pain) yet manages to live in an orphanage as a teacher and carer in Vietnam. Deliciously Ella is a famous ME sufferer and mother. There are support groups for mothers with Fibro/ME/CFS.

Having worked in SEN settings for so many years I’ve seen parents with disabilities (profoundly visually impaired or hearing impaired, in wheelchairs, autistic etc) who do an incredible job and who do manage better than a lot of perfectly healthy people.

I think you will find a very exclusive mindset on MN (as opposed to Inclusive), were you can only be deemed as worthy of being a parent if you meet a very narrow set of criteria. However, in the real world, it’s incredibly damaging to judge other people based on health as not being fit to be parents... where do we draw the line? Should epileptics or diabetics not become parents?

Support your SIL as much as possible. NO ONE has the right to dictate to her whether or not she can become a mother. It’s fine for her own mother isn’t it? She’s had her children!

A friend has fibromyalgia and hypermobility. She did struggle in her pregnancy and with her very active son (since diagnosed with pdas and autism) to the point she decided not to again. She did find some things more difficult than I did, but she also got by.

My own SIL has decided against children, also fibromyalgia. Personally I think she'd be OK, particularly as my own brother is very practical. But it's entirely not my choice, or place to comment.
As she'd asked I'd probably take the: it would be harder, what have you both talked about handling the extra difficulties. Probably wise to add that any child would be lucky to have a parent who stopped to think first!

Thank you for all the responses.

One thing that I know is on her mind is her age; her sister is a nurse and is constantly telling her time is running out as she herself is TTC and is having difficulty, she thinks bc she is 33 and has "left it too late". SiL is worried she will leave it too late and this may not be a lifelong condition. Plus we both have older parents so she knows the realities of having an 80yo mother when she is just 35.

I'm torn between giving her the confidence she needs to go for it and dragging her down with all the difficulties she may face. Of course she needs to he realistic, but none of us know how we are going to cope with children, even those who are able bodied. We don't know if PND will occur and render us unable to get up in the morning or whether we'll adapt to motherhood with ease. Her DH is supportive but is largely leaving the decision to her. They would have to afford help; they both work and earn a decent amount, but would have to just go without the luxuries they currently had pre-covid; holidays etc. Childcare is expensive whether you have a nanny or nursery.

Generally. I think someone criticising her will have helped clarify her underlying thoughts. Get her to open up about her reaction to her mother's comments

I really want to stress that having fibromyalgia means nothing in itself.
Everyone experience is different and there are many different levels of it. Some people carry in living a pretty normal life and others can do very little and need a carer.

Whether she would be able to be a mum and cope with it depends on where she stands on that spectrum. It also depends on how much support she has and how much money to buy support she has.

She needs to be aware she might not be the mum she envisaged she would be because of her own limitations. How confortable she will be with that depends on how well she has accepted her illness (I know that 15 years in I’m still struggling to come to terms with ME and it’s limitations). Again all depends on on where she is with the illness

I have it. It’s hard, very hard when they’re first born until they go to school full time. But it’s manageable.
Your MIL sounds like she’s cares but if she wants a baby she should go for it. She just needs to be open to the idea that it will make the pain and fatigue worse; and she’ll need a good support network.

I have ME and brought up 2 children with it. I did have help getting the children to and from school and did some of my parenting from flat on the sofa. I couldn’t do outings etc with them. Nevertheless they are now grown up, have done very well for themselves and are happy well rounded people. As for me, I would make the same decision again , they make my life so happy and have now given me grandkids.

You should encourage her to make her own choice. But try to stay out of her relationship with her mum.

I think MIL is being pragmatic. Kids are hard, you dont know what each one will be like until they get here. Saying she would never be able to cope might be ott but I think careful consideration is required. She should think very carefully about her support network and how much help she could get there. She should think about what is best for the child.

It is children of disabled parents you want to speak to in this situation, not disabled parents themselves.

I have a long term condition that makes me very tired. However, I'm nearly 35 and ttc. I'm lucky in that I've had pre conception counselling with a specialist and DH and I have had good conversations about it.
TTC isn't going as smoothly as I had hoped, so I wish we had been able to start sooner.

As an aside, I haven't discussed this at all with family as I don't need anyone's personal opinion on the subject.

Honestly- if I’d been as ill 20 years ago as I am now I wouldn’t have had my kids.
That doesn’t mean I don’t adore them both, but I barely cope as a decent parent to two fab, independent teenagers (multiple auto immune diseases) and there’s no way I or they would have survived if I’d had to cope with my current level of fatigue/pain and babies and toddlers.

MIL needs a slap!

I have several autoimmune conditions, connective tissue and suffer from chronic pain & fatigue and have 8 children under 8. I was 36 when I had my first. Lots of people have children with these conditions and cope. It’s not easy and I would really struggle without my husband. But we manage it just the 2 of us with no help at all from anyone else.

Tell your SIL she can do anything she wants. There are support groups on Facebook which are amazing, there are lots of people who ask thus very question and all get positive responses x

Opps that’s 3 children under 8. I don’t know many gut people who could cope with 8 😂🤦‍♀️😂

Probably MIL is worried she might ultimately be roped into helping raise the child if your sil can’t cope. Although she might live 100 miles away now, it might be a case of if your sil does find she needs a lot of support your mil may feel obliged to move closer to assist with childcare, and doesn’t want that. Mil needs to make it clear to your sil that this is not an option. And I would direct your sil to support groups and forums where parents in a similar position can share their experiences. This is a situation where she shouldn’t be thinking of her wants and needs, but needs to think of the child’s wants and needs and whether, if she is as she is now, she can meet their needs.

My SIL has multiple sclerosis and was diagnosed in her very early 30's. She and her husband decided to try for children when they were told by her specialist that it was effectively a 'now or never' situation in her mid 30's. It takes a lot time to come off meds and time to build back up again after delivery, and coping with small children is hard anyway. They now have a 10yo and a 8yo. They live v close to her parents and have had a lot of help over the years when SIL has had relapses and some very ill periods. Her MS is currently very well managed and she's doing really well but there's no denying its been very hard at times. Would she change anything or does she regret it? No, not that that I know of and we have talked over the years. I think you're right in supporting your friend to make her own decision.

It’s between her and her husband really, they are the team that would have to work together if she was ill. He would need to be hands on and willing to step up, perhaps even change his working pattern. Also money helps if they need to pay for extra help to come in.

MIL probably knows SIL better than you do and she therefore thinks what she says is right. Having children is utterly exhausting at times for everyone. Having said that, SIL knows her limitations and is the only one that can make the decision.