To stop MiL telling SiL she can't have children?

[UnicornAndSparkles]

Long story short, my SiL is 35yo and has had fibromialga for 3yrs meaning she gets exhausted easily, is on pain medication and is often in pain. We are very close. Shes married with no children. Im pregnant with my second child. Shes talked of contemplating children if/when she feels able to come off pain meds and TTC. She's not sure it would be safe to TTC whilst on the meds.

MiL let slip yesterday that she has told SiL that she would never be able to cope with children in her condition. She wasn't trying to be cruel but is very to the point and it can come across very badly. DH and I are utterly shocked that she said that.

SiL is now wondering if she could cope or whether that part of her life is never meant to be. It makes me so sad to think she's unable to have children bc of this condition and MiL persuading her there is "no way" she could, when she always assumed she would, one day.

SiL has asked my advice. I don't know what to say. I started saying its her choice and that there is help out there if she were to choose to have kids - nannies etc - and that really its nothing to do with MiL who lives 100 miles away and cant offer support. But honestly I don't know what to say. I think she would really regret not TTC and she doesn't have long to think about it being 35 and having to come off pain meds slowly to TTC. But, again, I cant offer her practical support to help look after any children as I work, have a toddler and am pregnant and live 50 miles from her.

Has anyone had children whilst suffering from a chronic disability? Is it manageable? Her DH works full time and there is no family nearby for practical support.

Also sometimes something starts fibro as it usually has a trigger (I don't mean Ed's or rheumatoid setting it of) it is usually child abuse, domestic relations, sexual assault, birth, trauma. Again not always but this is very very common. So how do you no she has a good sexual life with her husband ? She may have ptsd? Leave her to it.

I have a friend with fibromyalgia and two children. When she is having attacks she really struggles, when she's well she's fine. Her DH helps out and she has local friends who are happy to help with logistics when she's poorly; she does her share when she's well.
She's one of the best Mums I know and her children are fantastic kids.
If your SIL wants to be a Mum then fibromyalgia doesn't have to stop her, whatever her mother thinks.

I think one of the most important aspects in her decision is her DH. Will HE be willing to change his hours, or take leave, if she has a flare up? Having no family nearby to help would be very challenging. They will definitely have to consider paying for help.

I have fibromyalgia and 2 older children. I have a very supportive husband. My children have never been Carers for me. I’ve also worked through most of my fibromyalgia life with adjustments made for me when required.

Your MiL should keep her nose out and be more of a support to her daughter.

The only comment I would make is the child.
Having worked with children who become young carers it is heart breaking to see them not consider trips or young carers events in fear of leaving the parent alone. The responsibility some children have bestowed on them from birth can be over whelming.

I know a famous artist who had no legs and arms paid for a nanny but how realistic that is for many I don’t know.
If there is a great support network that’s great but it is the child maybe mil is thinking of. However, you can be more tactful.

Thank you for all the comments

Having read every comments, and grateful to those who have replied and have faced similar difficulties or are sadly suffering themselves, I'm inclined to believe SiL is at the less severe end of the scale. She holds down a full time job, is capable of walking and yoga exercise and goes on holiday/out in the evening (when not under covid restrictions). Of course, this could change.

I still think MiL was wrong to say what she did, but take it on board not to offer my opinion and to only offer support.

Thank you all.

Can you punch your MIL? I have fibromyalgia, I have two children! I came off all my meds when I was pregnant with DD, yes it was horrific, I had SPD and GD so had to use crutches, but after I had her all my symptoms went away for approx a year. People don’t stop having and looking after their children just because they’re poorly! I won’t lie, there has been days that my children have had to help me put my socks and trousers on, it’s all a case of managing your pain correctly. I may get run over by a bus tomorrow so should I not have kids just in case? Your MIL is a tool! It is possible that your SIL having kids would give her something to focus on apart from her pain, it won’t go away but I’ve found since being a mum I power through stuff more, before I would just stop or lay in bed, it doesn’t matter how pants you feel kids need feeding etc xx

My friends husband has it and they manage fine, I know they are both close to their families but hers is to far away for daily help but I think his are nearby. Only your SIL knows if her and her other half can manage. I am sure your MIL meant well but at the end of the day it’s not her decision. She needs support, not shooting down.

I was diagnosed with endometriosis, adenomyosis and ME in my 20s. I had to stop working full time as my fatigue and pain were so severe.

When I was doing a little better we decided to try for a baby. We have no family to help so we came up with a plan of how we would manage. DH works from home with flexible hours, we agreed we would use childcare as needed etc.

But things didn’t really go to plan - we ended Up with twins, one was very sick from birth and then they were both diagnosed with disabilities. DH has to work, the twins need constant care and don’t really sleep (they are 4 now), and since they were born my pain went crazy - I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia when they were about 1.

It’s bloody hard, but I manage because I don’t really have a choice - I do far more now than I ever did before I had them. Some days I’m changing their bums or making their meals in tears because it’s a struggle to move. But I could not do it without the support of my DH. He takes over as much as he can, he makes our meals most nights and we share the load as much as we can.

You really need support - a supportive spouse or family or friends. I guess obviously if I only had one or my twins weren’t disabled then some things would be much easier by now, but that’s always a risk when having kids.

If she had milder form then she may be manage to have one child. You get some strength you didn't know you had to get by! I was warned by a couple of medical professionals that I shouldn't have children due to chronic illness but it made me upset, angry and more determined to not let the illness get in my way. I'm glad I ignored them but because of their warnings I was prepared for the intense physical struggle of the early years. I won't have any more because I know my physical limits.

MIL knows nothing and is talking bollocks. I fell pregnant at 39, I also have fibro and chronic fatigue. To be fair, pregnancy was horrendous, but due to bad luck rather than fibro. However, my fibro improved during my pregnancy. I had to come off my medication, but I haven't really needed to go back on the strong stuff and he is 16 months! Motherhood is hard, no matter what your health is like.

Well I have Crohns, had it for years, around 11 before I had C. x 4. I have been diagnosed with Fibro when they were around 6-10. Didn't even know there were drugs for it, never been offered any. But then I didn't take any after the first lot with the Crohns either, refused operations too. Used to be badly anemic now I am fine, I get tired with the fibro though, especially after a day out. Pain from tips of fingers to soles of feet. I go to bed. My lot grown now but I don't think anyone should let a chronic illness put them off, you will manage, you are probably stronger than you think and don't let other people's attitudes make an invalid out of you. That's what you should tell her, Go for it and enjoy. I got pregnant 7 times in my 30s without any issue 30-39 so its not true its harder for everyone.

PS no real support from their D and my family is 100s of miles away. Yes sometimes it is hard but you can do it!

I have fibro and have 2 children, now 18 and 16. I had no family support to speak of when they were younger and my DH was away for months at a time (actually once for 18months) so I was pretty much alone, plus I had a stressful job (part time but it crept into my days off, so even more stressful).
Yes it was hard, yes I was tired (I am still tired!) and tbh I got used to aching from head to toe and dont notice it anymore.
But I would do it all again, my children are my life and without them my life would have been sad and empty.
Tell her to follow her heart and she will manage, she will just have to make accomodations, which she will work out as she goes along. Get a cleaner, things like that.

If she’s managing to work full time then I’m sure she can manage although I’d be aware that she may not be able to do so once she has kids - maybe she will, but the lack of sleep can really exacerbate pain and fatigue.

I was made to believe I was just lazy, and everything was all in my head.

Since having children I've been diagnosed with Fibro, ME/CFS, Endometriosis, Reynauds, ADHD and Autism. I'm being assessed for Ehlers Danlos Syndrome which would explain the hundreds of issues I have.

I'm not the mother my children deserve. I cope because I have to. But I'm now in a wheelchair. I have a genetic defect in my spine which they only picked up this year, they can see I broke it a few years ago, I wish I could run round a field with a ball with my kids before they're too old to want to.

I'd never send my kids back. I love them. But if I'd known I really was ill, and had an idea of the extent of it, I wouldn't have had children. I've also passed on my neurodivergencies and one of my children appears to have hEDS.

We've had issues over the years with outside agencies (IE social services) trying to involve themselves because we don't present like a regular family.

It's demoralising.

On the plus side, I have these two utterly amazing human beings who I made, who it's hard to believe I made, because they amaze me a little bit more every day.

It is your SILs choice what she does. Despite what I've said above, I'd never try to tell someone not to do it. I just think people need to know the reality, it's not a walk in the park if you're healthy. When you're not healthy, it's so hard.

It's so sad your MIL is speaking to her like that. She must feel so low. There's so many of us with fibro online, if she wants to join a facebook group.

You sounds like a lovely, supportive family member. She’s lucky to have you.

My friend has fibromyalgia and has 4 healthy boys. She lost her mum and struggles but she is amazing. She has a huge heart. Its up to your SIL x

I have fibromyalgia and have four kids. I'm probably on the lesser end of the scale but still manage ok. I take the kids out for exercise and we don't walk fast anyway as they are all off exploring, so that makes the walks ok for me, or we go to the local parks where they can climb trees et . We do lots of craft things and activities at home. We have a great garden with a mud kitchen so they can play. I never feel they are missing out and if I'm having a bad day I stick a film and lie down with them all sat around me so it's a cosy pile on. In fact I would say having two or more kids is easier than just one as they play together a lot. If she thinks she can manage then no one should tell her otherwise.

I have fibromyalgia, although I wasn't diagnosed until a couple of years after I had my youngest. As some people have already said, it's a widely varying condition that affects people differently. I was medically retired at the start of this year, at the grand age of 46, and I have okay days, bad days and terrible days. I have a very supportive husband and family, and we muddle along as best we can.

My advice to your SIL is this: don't let anybody tell you what you can and cannot do. MIL's thoughts on the subject are just her personal opinion, they're not fact. Your SIL is the only person who knows what she is and isn't capable of. Does she have a pain management specialist, or could she ask her GP for a referral to one? My specialist has been absolutely amazing, I thought it would simply be about what pain meds I could take, etc, but they've been hugely supportive in other areas too.

I rarely use social media, but I did join a great Fibro support group on Facebook. Would your SIL consider joining a group is she hasn't already? I have personally found it hugely helpful - a lot of advice and support from people who completely understand what it's like living with fibro.

I developed fibromyalgia from having children I believe. Everybody is different and I think everybody has a different experience with chronic illness. The only one who can decide is your SIL and DH.

You see I don’t think anyone can manage a family and an illness like fibro/ME/RA etc...
Yes some will do and will do a great job of being a parent.
I was a crap parent when they were little. I’m more like a ghost parent now because there is so much I can’t join in.

I have fibromyalgia and an autoimmune disease and have 4 children. I used to be on a ridiculous amount of pain killers, but stopped them all and started listening to my body instead. My youngest is 4 now and my pregnancy hormones helped ease a lot of my aches and pains while carrying her. I have bad days, but my kids give me a reason to get up and keep going. Having a baby is exhausting for any mum. Back in my healthy days when I had my others, I was tired out and traumatised and always said I'd never have any more!!

I have fibromyalgia and ME. I’m in a wheelchair because I also have osteoporosis. I’m on 22 different medications Mostly pain meds or nerve blockers for pain. All of which I have taken when conceiving and pregnant. I had a great GP and obstetrician.
It may be hard, I won't deny that. I have help with housework but the childcare us all mine to do. The children gave a full and enjoyable life with many hobbies and interests. They fully understand mommy can't play football in the park but would love to. I still help them with bike riding, roller skates etc and do my best for them.
Some days I'm completely exhausted and can't get out if bed- the older ones come in, tell me about their day, read their books to me, chat about all sorts even if I'm asleep for some of it. Dad steps in when I'm this poorly or my mom/brother or sister in law.

If you or your sil want to, you're very welcome to pm me any time and I'm happy to talk more about it. I had my third baby this year at 40. I've bf him as I did the other two. She will need help and support. It will be really difficult done days as all you need to do us sleep or you're in so much pain you don't know what to do with yourself. As long as she's determined and dies have a good support network she and the children can have a fantastic full and varied life.

It's absolutely nothing to do with mil.

[quote BoggledBudgie]@Mummyoflittledragon your situation is completely different I think, you didn’t go into parenthood disabled or with chronic ill health and it sounds as though you have a good grasp on how best to help your DD have a good life. I don’t at all mean that disabled people should not have children, there are many disabled parents who can give their children a good life and cope perfectly fine with parenting. But for those who are disabled (before children) to the point that they cannot actively be a parent to their child, it does have a massive impact on said child’s life and that should be what is focused on by any parent considering having one. I really do hope that life gets better for you, it sounds like you’ve had an incredibly rough time [/quote]
There is also the consideration that somebody who is already disabled/has a long term health condition is already aware of what works for them, what doesn't, what adaptations have been needed and the restrictions it can put upon life, so they are better able to cope with the demands of pregnancy, babies and children than somebody who becomes ill afterwards or just finds it all much harder than they expected.