To stop MiL telling SiL she can't have children?

[UnicornAndSparkles]

Long story short, my SiL is 35yo and has had fibromialga for 3yrs meaning she gets exhausted easily, is on pain medication and is often in pain. We are very close. Shes married with no children. Im pregnant with my second child. Shes talked of contemplating children if/when she feels able to come off pain meds and TTC. She's not sure it would be safe to TTC whilst on the meds.

MiL let slip yesterday that she has told SiL that she would never be able to cope with children in her condition. She wasn't trying to be cruel but is very to the point and it can come across very badly. DH and I are utterly shocked that she said that.

SiL is now wondering if she could cope or whether that part of her life is never meant to be. It makes me so sad to think she's unable to have children bc of this condition and MiL persuading her there is "no way" she could, when she always assumed she would, one day.

SiL has asked my advice. I don't know what to say. I started saying its her choice and that there is help out there if she were to choose to have kids - nannies etc - and that really its nothing to do with MiL who lives 100 miles away and cant offer support. But honestly I don't know what to say. I think she would really regret not TTC and she doesn't have long to think about it being 35 and having to come off pain meds slowly to TTC. But, again, I cant offer her practical support to help look after any children as I work, have a toddler and am pregnant and live 50 miles from her.

Has anyone had children whilst suffering from a chronic disability? Is it manageable? Her DH works full time and there is no family nearby for practical support.

@MitziK. Well said and very true.

It’s really hard being a disabled mother in pain and experiencing severe fatigue (not just new mum sleep deprivation) - it’s not necessarily something she can overcome through love of her child. My dad says crap like that and doesn’t understand that if you can’t lift a cup of tea the chances of lifting and carrying a child are nil.

It’s bloody hard being a disabled parent in chronic pain, especially if there’s limited support from family.

I have long term spinal damage, and there were significant risks of paralysis during pregnancy. I was on bed rest for almost the whole pregnancy both times, and chose to have both our children in relatively quick succession to get it (as bad as it sounds) ‘over with.’ Pregnancy was one of the most difficult, painful things I’ve ever gone through. The exhaustion was so bad, there were times I couldn’t breathe as it was too much physical effort.

Being a parent is easier, for me, than being pregnant. However - I work away, so my DH does day to day childcare. With hindsight, if we lived in a country where adoption was possible, that would have been the better decision in terms of my health. Nothing prepared me, though, for how worthwhile every second of pain and frustration would be.

People with chronic health conditions tend to be very organised around their needs. Our nursery and playroom were done before I got pregnant; money set aside for a nanny; timed pregnancy with my workplace as we all knew I’d likely be on bed rest; doctors put together a strategy to get my spine in peak possible condition prior to conception so I could wait out the year for another surgery and minimise the pain. Having children is possible, because you can’t ‘not’ take care of them. However, it is a personal choice - and one your SIL needs to make for herself.

MIL needs to wind her neck in. You sound nice and supportive, sometimes a WhatsApp text is all it takes to make it a little easier.

One of my dearest friends has fibromyalgia and cfs. She has raised a beautiful DD who is now late teens. She spent two thirds of that time as a single parent. She had a very understanding DH who remained very supportive even after divorce. Every situation is different and only your DSIL will know how much she can cope with. Your MIL needs to learn some tact.

MIL may have been a bit blunt or it may have been how it was received or a bit of both, but it doesn’t seem as if she had considered the practicalities beyond conceiving. At least now she can confront the realistic view you have shared with her and make an informed choice. She is already tired and in pain, pregnancy, birth & being
a parent will be challenging physically and emotionally and not only in the early years. I saw a thread where 1/3 women regret having children, possibly due to not thinking ahead or a romantic view. If she chooses to go ahead, better this is based on a more realistic view and considering what she will need to put in place. I developed health issues during pregnancy and it has been extremely difficult. I am really grateful to have my DD, however my health has affected her in all sorts of ways and being at the experience of how hard it has been at times, is clear she herself doesn’t want children. I’m not the first to say the main effect is on the child and the gap between how you would like to parent and dragging yourself up exhausted and in pain to put in a load of washing so they will have clean clothes the next day. OP she is lucky to have you. Some of the most invaluable and practical support I received was over the phone from friends and family. Just because you live far away, don’t discount yourself as a critical part of her support system.

I agree with others that the decision to have children is up to your SIL and her DH. I have a disability and my mother was like the MIL in this thread, but not because she was worried I wouldn’t manage or that she’d have to help (which she doesn’t anyway), but she didn’t want her own idea of what I should be doing for her to get affected. I also think I it’s unfair for the MIL to influence whether your SILs DH gets to be a parent.

MIL is bang out of order!
My daughter has fibromyalgia and is pregnant, yes she’s tired but I bet everyone who is almost 6 months pregnant gets tired. While pregnant she’s not complained once about her fibromyalgia and looks healthy and blossoming. I’m led to the assumption her fibro is giving her a break at the moment.
If your SIL wants children, then hopefully her fibro is under control for a while.
Stress adds to the symptoms, maybe that’s why my daughter is feeling so well in her pregnancy as she’s relaxed and happy.

I wish your SIL all the best xxxx

Your MIL is thinking of your SIL and that in itself is a positive so let's not demonise her.

I have 4 underlying conditions, 3 of them pain related and I still had 3 children of my own and raised 6 BUT these developed post child birth and I had LOTS of help and that's the issue here.

Only she can know what her pain levels are like and she must be able to cope on her own even on her worst days: if she has days where she absolutely cannot function then no, it's probably not a good idea sadly and you have to remember that sleep deprivation makes chronic pain worse and harder to manage.

It's all well and good one poster saying "my kids are the reason I get out of bed" but that's because you actually can get out of bed, what happens when you can't and your child not only becomes your carer but has to spend their entire lives looking at your pain? It really does affect them emotionally and anyone who says otherwise is deluded.

Sometimes the question is not only CAN you do it, but SHOULD you?

It's a tough one that only she can know the answer to.

This is addressed to pps' I have fibro, CFS, and multiple other conditions that cause exhaustion, and pain. Thankfully my DC were mainly adults when I became increasingly unwell.
I know many mumsnetters cannot stand any MiLs, even though many will become so themselves one day. The MiL in this case is the woman's own mother, we don't know how she worded her advice to her DD but it was almost certainly done out of love, and by the person who probably knows her DD better than anyone else, also, her advice might mave been requested. So to those of you who said it is none of her business, if she loves her DD, probably loves her DSiL, and ls concerned for any possible DGC then it is right for her to tell her DD of her misgivings. However it would be wrong of her not to accept her DD's and DSiL's decision.
As for advice given here, I know that my illnesses leave me mainly bedridden, and wheelchair bound when I do go out, I know others with Fibro who do manage to keep a full-time job going. I know some who when pregnant felt better, and others who felt worse. Post DC being born some coped well, most needed a lot of extra help. If the DSil of the OP knows that she can always have lots of support available to her (which I think would mean having to know that she could afford paid help in the future, it may become necessary), then if she and her DH want it, they should go ahead, if they can't afford it, then it may turn out to be a very heartbreaking and/or selfish decision to have made. For those saying just go for it, I think that you are being totally irresponsible, and cruel. I wish the Dsil's and her DH, all the best, in whatever decision they make.

She must discuss with her GP only then will she be able to make a good decision

No one knows what’s around the next corner. I have fibromyalgia and hyper mobility syndrome, pain is my normal. I did have extra mobility problems in pregnancy but actually some of my symptoms have improved since having my kids, starting at age 36. I couldn’t be happier that they’re here and would have been devastated if anyone had dared to tell me I couldn’t or shouldn’t. MIL needs to consider she may not be as all knowing as she believes!

My daughter has fibromyalgia, she has 3 children and needs to work part-time for financial reasons, yes she does have good and bad days but would not have chosen to not have children .It is up to the individual and not the M I L .A child may give her another focus and great happiness however tiring

Im mid-30s, long term health issues including chronic pain which makes me fatigued. Currently TTC. I’m under no illusions that it’ll be tough but my husband & I are ready for the challenge. If your SIL and husband think they can manage it then they should go for it. Nothing and nobody is perfect.

Is MIL her MIL also? (Not her Mum?) Is MIL generally known to be a Negative Nelly/Opinionated Ophelia type of person? I would assume that she probably also has opinions about the validity of the ME diagnosis as well. Along the “In my day, we just got on with things....” kind of line. (Not that I think you should share this with SIL, of course!!!) I suspect it is very much just how some women of that age are.... The Pursed Lips Brigade. You sound like the perfect foil for MIL’s confidence-sapping personality just by listening to SIL, caring to learn as much as you can about her illness and trusting that she’s intelligent enough to have educated herself about it as well, and supporting her decision no matter which way she chooses to go.
Another thing that has occurred to me is that perhaps MIL has a vested interest in keeping SIL childless - she knows that in the future her need for cares will increase, and if you have kids, other SIL ttc, might be more convenient to keep one in the pocket just in case.

I had Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis but had learned to cope with the pain and tiredness that goes with it over several years. When I got pregnant with my first I was lucky that it went into remission after I'd given birth. My second was an unexpected surprise 22 months later, and my remission held for another 10 years.

Having children is hard work, and some conditions can be improved or worsened by pregnancy.

When my RA flared up just as my DDs were moving to secondary school, my biggest worries was that they would end up my carers. Fortunately, treatments had moved on significantly and after a couple of years, it brought under control again.

Having children with a chronic condition has helped me to focus on staying as healthy as possible, managing my medications, ensuring diet and exercise is as good as possible, and at times accepting that I'll never be able to do some activities with my children, and now my grandchildren. It's influenced my financial planning for old age too, so that I have a back up plan for if/when I can no longer work full-time.

I would have been very cross if I'd had uninformed relatives telling me not to have children, as it was very much my decision. If your SIL wants to start a family, it's her decision - not your MILs - to make. She will know better than anyone else what she can handle.